GALAXY QUEST

BY

David Howard

Robert Gordon

Film Transcript

THIS MATERIAL IS THE PROPERTY OF DREAMWORKS PICTURES AND IS INTENDED AND RESTRICTED SOLELY FOR DREAMWORKS PERSONNEL. DISTRIBUTION OR DISCLOSURE OF THIS MATERIAL TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONS IS PROHIBITED. THE SALE, COPYING OR REPROUCTION OF THIS MATERIAL IN ANY FORM IS ALSO PROHIBITED

1 EXT. OUTER SPACE

The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a flash and a SPACESHIP rumbles into view. ON its hull the letters NSEA PROTECTOR. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a budget. We're watching a TV show.

LAREDO (V.0.)

We're exiting the time knot now sir!

2. INT. NSEA PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK - SPACE

5 Members of the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR sit in the large circa - 1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for DR. LAZARUS, a purple reptilian-looking alien. LAREDO is a 9 year old boy. The crewmates exchange relieved smiles.

CHEN

We're alive.

LAREDO

We made it, Commander. We made it!

LAZARUS (THE ALIEN)

By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.

COMPUTER (0.S.)

Systems register functional.

TAWNY

All systems are working, Commander.

They all turn to look at THE COMMANDER, who turns to reveal himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.

COMMANDER

I don't like it. (beat) It was too easy...

LAREDO

Wait. Oh no. Theyíre everywhere!

(Alarm Blaring)

His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then HUNDREDS.

LAREDO

They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.

Suddenly an EXPLOSION rocks the ship.

TAWNY

A trap.

LAZARUS

We're surrounded, Commander.

The actors flop around with the simulated explosions, but it is obvious the ship is not moving. They leap about, but not in time with each other.

CHEN

It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped

Fred runs to a spot just in front of the camera and faces to stage left, posing.

The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.

LAZARUS

Surrender may be our only option.

COMMANDER

No! Never give up ... NEVER surrender.'

LAREDO

Your orders sir? ... Sir, your orders?

The Commander sits in close up; steely determination. Finally, a decision.

COMMANDER

Activate the Omega 13.

FADE TO BLACK

Then suddenly - THE PICTURE GOES WHITE, LEADER, LEADER NUMBERS APPEAR, with a STUDIO COPYRIGHT notice.

PULL BACK TO:

3 INT LARGE AUDITORIUM

ENTHRALLED LEGIONS of mostly spotty faced male adolescent FANS staring into camera. For a moment all is silent. A few are sobbing. Then a BURST OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE... We're at a SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION. The enthusiastic crowd of FANS continue cheering as the master of ceremonies GUY takes the stage.

GUY

Well? ... Huh? ... Well, there ya are. Huh? Yeah!

The crowd cheers as the Galaxy Quest Convention #18 logo comes up.

GUY

Yeah! Yeah! ... Thatís what Iím talking about. (beat) You are the first people to see the lost GALAXY QUEST episode 92 - two parter, since it was originally aired in 1982! Huh? Yeah! All Right!

The audience applauds

GUY (CONTINUED)

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for ... The intrepid crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR!

4 BACKSTAGE

Here we meet the REAL LIFE ACTORS all dressed as their TV alter egos... GWEN DEMARCO, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body suit. ALEXANDER DANE, (DR. LAZARUS) wearing green alien prosthetic makeup. FRED KWAN, doing a logic puzzle.

We close on Alexander, sitting in front of a mirror, softly brushing his face with a makeup brush.

FRED (OS)

... Red Scarf. Black Shoes. Wait. White scarf, black buttons, white shoes.

TOMMY (reading a paper)

Now where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!

GWEN (looks through curtain)

I mean, this is unreal! They're going to start eating each other out there.

TOMMY

Oh, did you hear? He booked another appearance without us?

GWEN

You're kidding.

INT AUDITORIUM

GUY (given the stretch sign again)

Uh. Uh. Oh.

INT Ė DRESSING ROOM

Gwen turns to notice Alexander staring into a makeup mirror, eyes roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features with a mournful expression.

ALEXANDER

Dear God.... How did I come to this?

 

TOMMY

Not again...

ALEXANDER

I played Richard III...

FRED

Five curtain calls...

ALEXANDER

There were Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at me ... LOOK AT ME! I cannot go out there, and I wonít say that stupid line one more time. I canít ... and I wonít.

GWEN

Well, Alex, at least you had a PART. Okay? You had a character people loved! I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit. No one even bothered to ask me what I DO on the show.

FRED

You had the, Wait, wait I'll think of it...

GWEN (RESIGNEDLY)

I repeated the computer, Fred.

Suddenly the rear stage door opens and JASON NESMITH ("The Commander") strolls in, all exuberance and charm.

JASON

Whew! Your Commander is on deck. Ha Ha. Wow, that smog is thick today, huh? Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack? ...

(looks at Alexander, who throws down stuff with a clatter)

Apparently not. You know, you should get that looked at (referring to Alexís head).

  1. CONVENTION STAGE
  2. On the stage, Guy continues to stall...

    GUY (OS)

    Letís take a look at a few more clips.

  3. BACKSTAGE Ė

The others surround JASON, fighting.

JASON

Okay, what did I do? Hmmm?

The audience is chanting in the background "We want the crew, we want the crew."

JASON

What?

6a CUT TO Ė INT THE AUDITORIUM

GUY (OS)

(Over a film clip showing the Commander defending Alex.)

For those four seasons, we developed the same affection for the crew as the crew had for each other.

INT THE DRESSING ROOM

GUY (OS CONTINUING)

These werenít just adventurers exploring space. Friends Ė These were friends.

GWEN

Unbelievable.

TOMMY

You are so full of it, man!

JASON

Itís not a big deal. These guys put a little set in their basement. Iím there about an hour. Itís nothing, Gwen.

(approaching Gwen)

They wanted the Commander.

Suddenly bright light streams in. They all turn to see ALEXANDER skulking out the exit.

TOMMY

There he goes Ė

JASON

Alexander, wait a minute. Grab him! Grab him!

A beat, then they all run to catch Alexander, TACKLING HIM.

 

ONSTAGE Ė

Chanting "We want the crew Ė we want the crew"

Guy gets a "thumbs up" cue from a stagehand.

GUY

Okay!

The fans applaud and whistle.

GUY

Yeah! Here we go!

INT DRESSING ROOM

Jason is coaxing a coat-clad Alexander back into the room.

JASON

Come on, old friend, old friend.

ALEXANDER

You stole all my best lines? You cut me out of episode two entirely?

GUY (OS)

Tawny Madison, my personal favorite.

GWEN (pushing past Jason and Alexander)

Excuse me!

GUY

Gwen DeMarco!

The crowd cheers as Gwen leaps out onto the stage and does a small dance, with a high kick to show she still has it.

CROWD

YEAH!

In the background is a film clip of Gwen, as Tawny Madison, repeating computer commands.

GUY

Yeah, thatís what Iím talking about! Letís hear a warm welcome ... for crack gunner, Laredo, Tommy Webber!

CUT TO Ė DRESSING ROOM

Jason and Alexander are struggling.

JASON

You will ... go out there.

ALEXANDER

I wonít. And nothing you can say will make me.

JASON

The show must go on.

ALEXANDER

Damn You! Damn You! I wonít say that stupid line one more time.

GUY (OS)

Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen... Fred Kwan!

GUY (CONTINUED) (O.S.)

Tev'meck ... Alexander Dane

11 ON STAGE -

Alex bounds up on stage, bowing deep with grace and humility. The stage trained British actor.

GUY

Yeah! All right!

ALEX AS LAZARUS ONSCREEN

"By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged.'"

Alex cringes, desperately unhappy

GUY

Yeah! All right!

CROWD VOICE

That guy can act.

GUY

And finally, my ... my fellow Questarians, the brave Commander of the NSEA PROTECTOR... Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter Quincy Quincy Quincy Quincy Quincy Taggart Taggart Taggart Taggart ... JASON NESMITH.

Jason appears and a SPOTLIGHT follows him.

Jason raises his fist encouraging the FANS to cry out ... A woman screams "We love you, Commander".

JASON/JASON ON SCREEN/EVERYONE

"NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER... DAMN THE RESONANCE CANNONS, FULL SPEED AHEAD.'"

The fans go crazy. The actors exchange glances.

GUY

The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial decks "b" and "c" near the coke machines.

Jason is upset because his microphone has been cut off.

GUY (moving through the fans)

Excuse me, pardon me. Crew member coming through. Fans - right? Hey, Gwen,

TOMMY (TO GUY)

Oh, hey, man. I want to thank you for that nice intro you gave us today. ĖUm-

GUY

Guy. You probably donít remember me, do you? Itís the sunglasses, right? I was on the show in í82 Ė episode 81. Got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial AAAAh!

Listen Ė uh Ė Maybe I could sit in and, oh, sign a couple of autographs?

One of many fans dressed as "Dr. Lazarus" steps up to Alexander and salutes him with crossed fists.

FAN

"By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge you!"

Alexander ignores this, grabs the photo from his hand, signs it, thrusts it back. The next fan steps up.

FAN

"By Grabthar's hammer, by the-"

He signs and thrusts it back before he can even finish.

ALEXANDER

Next!

JASON AT A SEPARATE TABLE

Talking dramatically to a group of fans. A YOUNG BOY watches WIDE EYED.

JASON

Had I moved an inch to the left the beast would have killed me. On the other hand, my crew was in danger...

YOUNG BOY

How did you know what to do?

JASON

Come on! Without my crew, I'm not a Commander, huh.

He pokes the kid in the belly.

JASON

I think we all remember what happened to that beast on Enok 7, right?

The fans make happy nerdy "we sure do" noises.

CASTMEMBERS TABLE

Gwen shakes her head appreciatively.

GWEN

You gotta admit, they really do love him.

TOMMY

Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.

They watch as Jason fields another question from a fan.

CLOSER ANGLE - JASON'S TABLE

Bored with the constant queries of his fans, Jason glances over to see Gwen smiling at him. She quickly looks away, self-conscious. Jason doesn't even take his eyes off Gwen as BRANDON steps forward, his brow knit with serious matters.

BRANDON

Excuse me, Commander, Hey!

Commander, I was wondering if you could help settle a dispute my crew and I seem to be having. Um, if you remember, in "The Quasar Dilemma",

JASON

Excuse me for a minute, fellas.

Jason exits. Brandon turns to his friends, frustrated.

BRANDON

I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum...

THE CAST TABLE Ė

Gwen answers a question from a shy GIRL.

GIRL

Miss Demarco? ... In episode 15, "Mist of Delos 5?" I got the feeling that you and the Commander kind of had a thing. Did you?

GWEN

No. The Commander and I NEVER had a thing.

JASON (over her shoulder)

That's her story.

Gwen looks up to see Jason. The girl giggles and exits. Jason smiles at Gwen.

Rolling her eves Gwen rises and walks off.

JASON

Gwen, Gwen. Gwen.

Undaunted, Jason follows, but runs into the five ALIENS. Their leader MATHASAR bows respectfully then follows along as Jason pursues Gwen.

MATHASAR

Commander,

JASON

Excuse me.

MATHASAR

I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we need your help.

JASON

Oh, oh, oh. Is this about that gig tomorrow? Just hammer out the details with my agent, and make sure thereís a limo at my house. Last time I did one of these gigs they shoved me in the back of a Toyota. Remember, mumís the word.

MATHASAR

I... certainly, but-um Ėmum Ė mum Ė mum -

Jason catches up to Gwen.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Look here and Ė Beautiful.

He takes a picture of all the fans, as Jason catches up to Gwen.

He spins her around dramatically.

JASON

Crewman Madison, The mist of this strange planet is filling my head with such thoughts.

He leans in for a tortured kiss... Some fans gather, delighted by the impromptu show. But Gwen steps aside.

GWEN

It was cute when I didn't know you.

She exits. Jason tries to pretend that doesn't hurt.

CONVENTION FLOOR

But Jason takes refuge in the-

14 MEN'S ROOM

Jason enters to witness the incongruous sight of four MANK'NAR beasts at the urinals taking a MANK'NAR piss. Jason enters a stall and sits on the lid, trying to get a moment to think. But two CYNICAL 20-SOMETHINGS enter, laughing their assess off. He can hear their voices echo from the other side.

CYNICAL GUY 1

What a FREAK SHOW, man. Oh, this is HILARIOUS.

CYNICAL GUY 2

Bunch of losers! Begginí for autographs at 15 bucks a pop. Ė These guys havenít had a real acting job for 20 years. This is all theyíve got. Did you check out Nesmith?

 

CYNICAL GUY 1

He actually gets off on those retards thinking he's a space Commander! Yeah, Oh, and his friends...

CYNICAL GUY 2

I know, they canít stand him. Did you hear them ragging on him in there?!! "Commander furry!..."

CYNICAL GUY 1

Dude. He has no idea he's a laughingstock... Even to his buddies. Heís pathetic.

CYNICAL GUY 2

Ooh, come on. Come on. The Galaxy Quest Dancers are almost on.

CYNICAL GUY 1

Whoo! Full speed ahead, Lieutenant.

They exit, their laughter ringing in Jason's ears.

15 CONVENTION FLOOR - JASON'S TABLE

Jason is back at his table signing autographs in a foul mood. He scribbles his name irritably, avoiding contact with the fans as BRANDON and his group of aficionados approach him.

BRANDON

Hey, Commander, uh. So, as I was saying,

... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b (to Kyle) could you get this ... deck B for Gamma override. The thing is that online blueprints indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering where the error lies?

JASON

It's just a television show. Okay? That's all.

BRANDON

Heh heh Ė ĎCause we were wondering if the quantum flux, now just listen on this

JASON

There IS no quantum flux and there IS no auxiliary... There's no goddamn ship! You got it?

Jason notices that all eyes are turned on him. The hall has become deathly quiet. Jason rises abruptly and exits through the hall. Brandon and the fans do their best not to take this personally.

15A INT. GWEN'S HOUSE

Gwen is cooking something intricate and delicious as she talks to Alex on the phone. Her house is tasteful and bright on a budget.

GWEN

I mean it. I Mean it, Alex. Iíve never seen him lose it like that. Not to a fan. I mean it was just weird.

15B INT. ALEXANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Alexander is walking around the living room, talking on the phone, with his headpiece still attached.

ALEXANDER

Gwen, I have said for years he's mentally unstable.

He stands and moves to the refrigerator. Nothing but a hunk of very rank cheese which he sniffs disdainfully.

GWEN

(a beat, back to Jason...)

I Ė Iím worried. It just was not like him.

16 INT. JASON'S DEN - NIGHT

Jason sits on the edge of the couch, staring at the TV, sipping scotch, flipping channels. He stops at the conclusion of an episode of GALAXY QUEST. As Commander Taggart makes a heroic speech. Jason mouths the words along with his alterego.

COMMANDER TAGGART (ON TV)

As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars ... We'll be there. This fine ship, and this fine crew ... Never give up! Never surrender!

Jason takes another drink and we fade to

17 INT. JASON'S LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING

Jason sleeps, on the floor under the coffee table, hungover, dead to the world. There is a Knocking on the door. He barely moves. Every indication is that he's dead. More knocking. He stirs enough to groan. The knocking continues ... Jason opens his eyes and sees THE ALIENS standing outside his patio door, looking in at him. He groans, gets up from under the table and makes his way wearily to the door.

18 EXT. JASON'S HOUSE

Jason opens the door in his underwear, drooping bloodshot eyes, squint of a headache ... There before him are THE ALIENS dressed in their perfect GALAXY QUEST attire. Jason stares at them, bleary eyed. With earnest respectful faces, the five salute him in the classic "GALAXY QUEST" style.

JASON

Can I help you?!

The leader, MATHASAR, steps forward. Speaks quickly.

MATHASAR

Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach in protocol,

JASON

Right. You shouldnít come to my house.

MATHASAR (CONTINUING)

... but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in this regard have been disastrous.

Please Commander, you are our last hope.

(beat)

We have secured our limousine.

JASON

What? ... Oh, oh, oh, oh, um. Itís the thing for the thing thatís, um Ė (beat) Maybe I should get some pants on. Come on in.

19 INT. JASON'S HOUSE

The four aliens stand on one side of the room. Jason, mostly dressed, hunts under his couch for something.

MATHASAR

Commander, I must say that standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.

Mostly all they can see of Jason at the moment is his butt, as he is on his knees, looking for his shoes.

JASON

Thatís Ė I really appreciate that. Would you guys look for another shoe that looks like this, please?

THE ALIENS look around for the other shoe, mostly by staring at the ceiling.

20 INT. LINCOLN LIMO

Jason sits in back with MATHASAR and the others, half-awake. The three men are seated across from Jason, and a dark-haired female is sitting next to him. Jason, ever the ladiesí man, eyes her appreciatively.

LAHNK

Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, personnel...

JASON

Um Ė a Coca Cola? Do you have one of those?

One of the aliens nods to the other who opens a compartment in the limo and takes out a cola..

TEB

Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our people and the Sarris Dominion in greater detail.

JASON (to LALIARI)

Hey, how ya doiní?

TEB

In the 5 million years following the great nebula burst our people were one...

 

JASON

Whatís your name?

She just smiles and sits there.

JASON

Doesn't she talk?

TEB

Her translator is broken.

LALIARI says something, but it comes out a weird mix of sounds. Like a screaming baby inside a bagpipe.

JASON

Okey dokey... Ya know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so I'm going to just shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to everything you say. Okay? ...

Jason is asleep before Teb gets the next sentence out.

TEB (CONTINUING)

The limousine goes up an alley, stops, and lifts straight up into the air. A dog comes out and, looking upwards, barks.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN

21 INT. RECEIVING QUARTERS - PROTECTOR II

Jason is shaken softly by the shoulders. He opens his eyes to see a young female CREWMAN, LALIARI. We hear a low RUMBLE. This is the same female that was in the limousine, but now, with her translator working, we hear her speak normally.

LALIARI

Commander. Commander. I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck.

Jason tries to reorient himself as she leads him forward.

22 INT. HALLWAY - THE PROTECTOR II

Laliari escorts Jason down the high tech hallway. Jason looks around, still holding his can of Coke.

LALIARI

Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I understand you have been briefed.

JASON

Yeah, I got most of it in the car. Sarris is the bad guy, right?

LALIARI

Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes...

JASON

Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to just wing this?

LALIARI

Iím not sure I understand you...

MATHASAR approaches with other CREWMEMBERS.

MATHASAR

Commander... Welcome to the Protector II.

JASON

Good to see ya.

MATHASAR

Would you like to don your uniform?

JASON

You know what, Iíd like to skip that? I got this gig in Van Nuys in about a quarter of an hour. Is that all right?

MATHASAR

As you wish.

Another ALIEN comes running up out of breath.

EXCITED ALIEN

Sir... It's Sarris. He's here.

EXT Ė SPACE

A ship that looks like a large-mouthed whale sails towards us.

INT Ė THE STRANGE SHIP

SOLDIER

General. I have just received word the Thermians have appointed a new commander to handle the negotiations.

SARRIS

What?

23 INT. COMMAND DECK

A door slides OPEN and Jason and the others enter the COMMAND DECK ... It's straight out of the TV show. Blinking lights, consoles, the cool old tech displays ... But a bit dark. Jason looks around, genuinely impressed, still wearing his glasses.

JASON

This is just great. You know, usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.

They lead him to the Commander's chair. He sits.

TEB

Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are experiencing a hmmm reflective flux field this close to the galactic axis.

JASON

You know what I could use is a cupholder and a couple of Advil.

NAVIGATOR

We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?

Jason looks toward the front window/view screen. Stars move past in a familiar display.

JASON

Um, set it on screen saver two.

(the NAVIGATOR looks confused)

Because, you know, we gotta - Oh, Iím sorry to break the mood here, uh. Slow it down to Mark 2, lieutenant.

Then the VIEWSCREEN fuzzes to life with an image of... SARRIS - He's ugly and green hued. Black sharp teeth. A metal hand... He hisses... There is a beat as the aliens take in the sight, trying to well their courage.

SARRIS

I see fear. That is expected.

(his voice RESONATES)

Ah, they bring a new Commander...

JASON

Itís good.

SARRIS

Here are my demands.

JASON

Itís scary.

SARRIS

And if I do not hear what I like,

JASON

Real.

SARRIS

Then there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine.

Jason takes a sip of coke and checks his watch.

SARRIS

First,

JASON

Backwash.

SARRIS

I require the Omega 13... Second Ė I will require a technician

JASON

(blasé, like a laundry list)

Okey dokey, okey dokey, Let's fire blue particle cannons full ... red particle cannons full. Gannet magnets fire them left and right. And let Ďem run all chutes. And while youíre at it why donít ya toss that at Ďem, killer.

Jason tosses the empty coke can to the gunner.

JASON

That should take care of old Lobster-head, shouldnít it?

He tosses the GUNNER the empty coke can, then before even waiting for the weapons to reach their target... ...he exits!

24 HALLWAY

Jason emerges and looks both ways trying to get his bearings.

Several of the aliens chase after him as he enters the corridor, exchanging stunned glances, trying to absorb the magnitude of what just happened.

MATHASAR

Commander?... Where are you... going?

JASON

Home.

MATHASAR

You... You mean Earth?

JASON

Yeah. "Earth." I need to get back to "Earth," kids.

He turns a corner. Jason is oblivious to the muffled sounds of explosions, traces of the demolition going on outside.

MATHASAR

But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him.

JASON

Yeah. Yeah. Long live... What's the name of your planet, again?

MATHASAR

Thermia.

JASON

Long live Thermia. This way?

MATHASAR

But what if Sarris survives?

JASON

Oh, I doubt it. I gave him both barrels.

MATHASAR

He has a very powerful ship.

JASON

If you got any more problems with the guy, just, you know, give me a call.

Jason bumps his lag on something.

JASON

Ow!

MATHASAR produces a walkie talkie device for Jason.

MATHASAR

An interstellar vox.

JASON

A what? Hey.

MATHASAR looks him in the eye. A TEAR starts down his cheek. He HUGS Jason, then shakes his hand sincerely.

MATHASAR

How can we thank you, Commander? You - You have saved our people.

JASON

Yeah, okay. You know you kids have been great. You really have.

(opens the VOX)

This thing is real-lookiní Hello. Hello.

(chuckles)

The aliens leave and Jason is left all alone in the room as the doors close.

JASON

Hey. Whereís my limo?

FADE TO BLACK

A spot comes on over Jasonís head.

Suddenly a CLEAR PLASTIC rises from the disk and conforms around him, ENCASING HIM IN A FLEXIBLE CONTAINER. There is only an instant to register surprise as the ceiling divides and an AWE INDUCING ROTATING STARFIELD is revealed... The WALLS pull back around him. And Jason finds himself surrounded by THE INFINITE VASTNESS OF SPACE. And his face is a MASK OF HORROR In the split instant as Jason in his pod is ROCKETED FORWARD INTO SPACE.

26 BLACK - JASON'S YARD

We pull back slowly from the iris of Jason's eye. He is now standing on the red disk in the middle of his own back yard. He stands there in shock, TEETH CHATTERING, SHIVERING IN WAVES AND WAVES from the incomprehension of what he's just experienced, unable to move from the spot.

28 EXT. COMPUTER STORE PARKING LIT - MORNING

Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Fred and Guy perform for the store's grand opening. A small crowd is gathered, including Brandon and his gang, inspecting a mock up of the PROTECTOR.

GWEN

Take it from us... We've been all over the universe.

FRED

But we've never seen space age values like we've seen here ..... at

TOMMY

Tech Value electronics superstore

Alexander pauses, deeply ashamed. Gwen nudges him.

ALEXANDER (IN A MONOTONE)

By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings.

A few balloons are released into the air.

GUY

All Right! Yeah, letís hear it for the NSEA Protector.

28A COMPUTER STORE - LATER

The actors hand out pamphlets and sign the occasional autograph. Fred pats Alexander's back, who stares ahead, morose. Around the corner, JASON appears, looking around with a disoriented yet exhilarated twinkle in his eye.. He spots his friends and starts quickly toward the cast table but runs smack into the group of FANS led by Brandon. Brandon and Jason go down, along with an armful of GALAXY QUEST collectables.

BRANDON

Commander!... My apologies.

Brandon is nudged by his friend KYLE.

BRANDON

Evidently we had a miscommunication regarding the voyage, and that you didnít show up.

But Jason, still in a haze, simply gathers his things and walks off. The other nerds look at Brandon.

KYLE

He did it AGAIN!

28B ACTORS' TABLE

The actors look up to see JASON approaching.

ALEXANDER

Do you know what time it is? Why do you even bother to show up at all?

Jason has so much to say he can't get out a word. Gwen notices his wrinkled slept-in clothing, and wild eyes.

JASON

N Ė N Ė Not now, guys. I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the convention? Those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens. They were termites or Dalmatians. I canít really remember because I was kinda hung over. But what they built was extraordinary. It was a huge spaceship. I got to fight this guy named Sarris, and I kicked his ass.

The crew looks at Jason incredulously. They wonder what sort of nightmares he has when heís been drinking.

JASON

I know what youíre thinking, but I can prove it. They gave me this.

He produces the interstellar vox. The thing blinks its little red light. He motions victoriously. The others exchange glances, then produce their own

blinking voxes and set them on the table.

JASON

No, no, no, no, but can you talk to people in SPACE on those? (into Vox:)

Protector this is the Commander. Over!

The others exchange glances. Alexander turns to Gwen.

Tommy rolls up his sleeve ready for a fight.

ALEXANDER

Oh, for Godís sake.

TOMMY

That's it, It's time to go.

Jason notices a label on his VOX that reads "Property of Brandon

Wheeger." He looks around for Brandon.

JASON

This isn't mine. Wait, that kid, where is that kid?...

Jason looks up and sees the young woman we recognize as Thermian

LALIARI. She's flanked by two young crewmen.

LALIARI

Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives.

He was able upon your departure to make an escape.

JASON

Listen. Tell them.

LALIARI

However he has contacted us, and wishes to negotiate a surrender.

JASON

Sarris

LALIARI

We humbly implore you to come and negotiate the terms.

Jason looks at Laliari, then turns back to the others, his

experience twinkling in his eyes.

JASON

Huh?? They want me back ... You want me back? Is this amazing? They want me back and I want you guys to go with me. Please. Donít even think about it. Letís go. Yes?

Alex begins picking up his stuff to leave. The others pick up and start to follow,

JASON

Youíre Ė Youíre going?

Alexander, this is not Ė Iím not kidding here. This isnít some kinda prank. Iím not kidding. No, guys, guys, listen. Come on. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Gwen, stop. Come here. You know me and Iím a lot of things, but am I crazy?

She looks at Jason.

JASON

Gwen, you know me. I'm a lot of things but I'm not crazy.

GWEN

You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but itís another thing to do it to your fans?...

Gwen shakes her head and walks off.

JASON

This is not a fan. This Ė This is a Termite.

The actors enter their Van.

INT VAN

TOMMY

You should have just let me hit him.

 

GWEN

Boy! I didnít know you could get that loaded.

FRED

I think we should have just taken the gig... I mean, who knows the next time he'll ask us.

ALEXANDER

Fred, he was drunk. Do you really think he was talking about a job?

They look at each other, each thinking the same thing Ė they needed work and Jason was the Commander, after all. As one, they exit the van hurriedly.

28E ELECTRONICS STORE

GUY is standing in an aisle, nuzzling a girl.

GIRL

But you live with your mother?

The actors hurry through the aisles to the back of the store.

Gwen shouts to Guy.

GWEN

Did Jason come through here?

Guy points to the back.

GUY

Yeah. Heís in there. Hey. Guys.

29 INT ELECTRONICS STORE WAREHOUSE NEAR DOCK

Gwen, Alex and the others enter, and look around. Laliari is

still in the room, alone. She lights up as they enter.

GWEN

Ah! We are coming too.

LALIARI

All of you wish to go to the ship?

GWEN

Yes. We wish to go to the ship You see, we work together, or not at all.

LALIARI

Wonderful! The Commander had me continue transmission in case you changed your mind. (to Vox) Protector, requesting four Interstellar pods for immediate departure.

GUY

Uh Ė me, too.

LALIARI

Five pods, for immediate departure.

There is a sloshing noise, and Gwen feels the plastic forming at her feet. She canít move her legs, and it continues creeping up her body.

GWEN

Guys... Guys?

Alex tries to step off the disk but It MOVES TO FOLLOW HIM.

ALEXANDER

What in the world...?

LALIARI

I look forward to meeting you all in person when we arrive at the ship. End transmission.

And with that, Laliari blinks and VANISHES. She was simply a

HOLOGRAM TRANSMISSION. Full realization hits Gwen...

GWEN

Oh my God. OH MY GOD.

Fred, at the vending machine, turns.

FRED

Anybody got any change?

Fred turns just in time to see everyone else disappear.

30 INT. NSEA PROTECTOR DOCKING STATION POD BAY- DEEP SPACE

The room LIGHTS BRILLIANTLY with a series of flashes. In rapid

succession the PODS arrive with a flash through a hatch In the

ceiling. They unfold to reveal Gwen, Alexander, Tommy and Guy who

stand paralyzed and teeth chattering. They look like a bunch of

horrified bowling pins all facing toward...

A METAL HATCH - Beyond It they register the SOUND of WET

FOOTSTEPS growing closer... Their eyes widen as they see the

hatch open revealing a group of 3 HORRIBLE TENTACLED DROOLING

SCREECHING ALIEN MONSTERS who surround our visitors, probing them

with jagged devices. Then one of the monsters looks down at a

mechanism on his belt.

The monsters all flip switches on their belts their forms become

HUMAN, uniformed as ship's TECHNICIANS.

TECHNICIAN #1

Our most sincere apologies! We forgot about our appearance

generators.

Then JASON appears in the doorway, wearing a big warm smile.

JASON

Guys! You CAME!...

They stand there, still paralyzed and terrified.

JASON

Who wants the grand tour?

Guy is now relaxed enough to let out the loudest most genuine

SCREAM you've ever heard in your life. A beat.

JASON

Anybody else?

Then another streak of light, and Fred appears along side the

others. He steps off of the disk, unaffected.

FRED

That was a hell of a thing.

(to Jason, motioning to others)

What's wrong with them?

Jason smiles. Nothing gets to Fred.

JASON

I donít know. Come on.

31 INT. PROTECTOR DOCKING STRUCTURE - HALLWAY

Jason leads Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Guy and Fred down the hall.

They shuffle forward like recent hospital releases, looking

around silent and dumbfounded at their surroundings, occasional

involuntary JERKS of their limbs evidence of their horrifying

journey.

JASON

That's right guys ... Just keep shaking it off. It gets better. Here, have some gum, It helps.

TOMMY

Wh... Where are we?

JASON

Twenty third quadrant of the gamma sector. Thereís a map in the forward room. Come on.

Then MATHASAR appears coming down the hall with a small group of

ALIENS. He has a warm smile on his face.

 

MATHASAR

Welcome my friends

JASON

This is MATHASAR. Heís their leader.

MATHASAR

I am MATHASAR. On behalf of all my people I wish to thank you from the deepest place in our hearts.

JASON

MATHASAR, this is, uh, my crew.

The Thermians all stare at the crew, and MATHASAR reaches out to Alexander.

MATHASAR

Dr. Lazarus ...

The Thermians whisper his name with awe.

MATHASAR

Lt. Madison ...

They whisper her name and Gwen is just as much in awe as they are with her. MATHASAR leans down to kiss her hand.

MATHASAR

Young Laredo, how you've grown.

MATHASAR

Tech Sgt. Chen... And....

The Thermians whisper, Tech Sargent Chen ... Tech Sargent Chen.

He looks at Guy quizzically, not sure who he is.

GUY

"Crewman # s..." Guy.

The Thermians, unsure, whisper "Guy".

GWEN

You... know us?

MATHASAR

(soft laugh)

I don't believe there is a man, woman or child on my planet who does not. In the years since we first received transmission of your historical documents, we have studied every facet of your missions and strategies.

TOMMY

Youíve been watching the show ...

JASON

Lieutenant? Historical documents.

TOMMY

... historical documents from out here?

MATHASAR

The past hundred years our society had fallen into disarray. Our goals, our values had become scattered. But since the transmission, we have modeled every aspect of our society from your example, and it has saved us. Your courage and teamwork, and friendship through adversity. In fact, all you see around you has been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.

GWEN

Is this a Ė a spaceship?

JASON

No. This is a starport FOR the ship.

(a twinkle In his eye)

Would you guys like to see the ship?

Fred nods yes, but the others stand there with their mouths open.

A door opens leading to a DOCKING POD.

32 INT. DOCKING POD

They enter and the doors close, and the elevator starts moving. As it clears a wall, we see out the window A MAGNIFICENT AND BREATHTAKING VIEW OF THE ENORMOUS NSEA PROTECTOR DOCKED IN FRONT OF THEM... They all gawk at the amazing

sight, their eyes wide like children. Only Fred calmly looks out the window. The others are in shock.

ALEXANDER

Oh my god.

As the view clears, they can see this beautiful ship docked in a huge spaceport, the numbers on the side reflecting those on the tiny model they had only known before.

ALEXANDER

Itís real.

INT ABOARD THE SHIP, HAVING A SMALL TOUR

MATHASAR

The generator room.

The Beryllium sphere, of course.

The sphere is suspended and slowly rotating.

MATHESOR

(CONTINUED)

And as we continue ...

The medical quarters are to the left.

We went through some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration.

ALEXANDER

Jason, what have you gotten us into?

TOMMY

What in hell is going on?

GWEN

What are we doing here?

FRED

Wow, the floors are so clean.

JASON

We're just here to negotiate this guy Sarris' surrender. Itís no big deal.

MATHASAR

And the organ fabrication chamber is coming along nicely.

GWEN

Itís no big deal? Are you crazy? We have to get out of here.

JASON

Oh, come on, guys.

GWEN

Jason, we are actors, not astronauts.

JASON

You guys want to go home? Fine. Say the word, and we'll all go home, pay our bills, feed our fish, fall asleep in front of the TV Ė and miss out on all of this. Come on. Do you guys wanna do that? Anybody? Gwen, come on, think about ... look at where we are. Weíre in space.

Alexander, this is the role of a lifetime. You guys wanna leave?

MATHASAR

We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.

The crew looks at each other, making one of the most important decisions of their lives.

MATHASAR

The main barracks

Fred, walking beside Lalaini, is smiling. There is something there.

INT THE MAIN BARRACKS

TWO HUNDRED crewmen are lined up along both sides, bowing. Jason walks in between them.

JASON

At ease.

ALEXANDER

(awed)

Itís like throwing gasoline on a flame...

Alex turns to Guy, who is smiling ear to ear.

ALEXANDER

(CONTINUED)

What?

GUY

I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.

INT THE ENTRANCE TO THE COMMAND DECK

They enter and gawk at the familiar hub, waiting for the show to start... not realizing they ARE the show.

MATHASAR

If you would all take your positions...

GWEN

Our what?

JASON

Guys -

THE ACTORS

Oh, right... US! Yes, of course... US!

They take their positions, marveling at the familiar control

panels in front of them. Tommy turns to Guy.

TOMMY

Look .. This thingy ... I remember Ė I remember I had it all worked out. This

was forward, this is back ...

Jason is sitting in the Captainís Chair, familiarizing himself with the palm controls.

MATHASAR

Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this historic event.

JASON

Sure. Bring Ďem in.

MATHASAR motions and screeches, and a few CREWMEN enter, followed by a dozen

More ... followed by FIFTY more. They stand around the periphery

of the room, watching eagerly. Tommy turns to Guy.

TOMMY

No pressure, huh? Glad I ainít the Commander.

COMMANDER

Laredo, take us out.

Everyone in the room turns their attention to Tommy. His

sarcastic smile drops. He looks mortified.

TOMMY

Excuse me?

JASON

They designed those controls after watching you. Take her out.

Tommy stares down at his control panel. It's pretty self explanatory, a throttle and a circular dial for direction. But daunting nonetheless.

TOMMY

Right. Right. Okay. Right. Right. Take her out.

Everyone's eyes are glued to him as he touches the computer screen. The ENGINES COME TO LIFE, a massive exhilarating sound. Tommy giggles nervously. His hand trembles as he pushes the throttle further. The ship starts to move. The actors exchange worried glances.

Tommy is very confident now, being in the element he was trained for as a child. He leans back, confidently grasps the controls and moves them.

42 EXT. SHIP

You can feel the WEIGHT of 'the giant craft as it eases forward, sliding through the sides of the dock.

43 COMMAND DECK

Everyone watches the forward monitor. Tommy turns the NAVIGATION DIAL slowly. Guy whispers to him...

As the ship ponderously passes through the spaceport, the windows are lined with personnel, all witnessing this departure, and all standing at attention. The ship begins to drift to the left. Tommy moves the controls, but itís not enough, and the ship continues to drift.

The actors all lean to the right, trying to use body english.

GUY

Okay.

Guy taps Tommy on the hand.

GUY

You gotta move to the right. More to the right.

TOMMY

Would you sit your ass down?

GUY

Hit parallel

TOMMY

Move! You wanna drive this thing?

44 EXT. STAR DOCK

Indeed, the ship is slightly off course... It's like trying to get out of a tight parking space with concrete walls to either side. And the ship is veering ever so slightly into one of the walls. As the ship approaches the wall, the personnel move back.

Tommy turns the dial to correct ... But it looks like the momentum might carry the ship into the wall anyway ... Tommy PEGS the dial to the right ... The others hold their breath as the bow of the ship moves closer and closer to the wall ... Then ... It TOUCHES. The sound of a soft but high pitched SCRAAAAAAAPE.

All eyes are on Tommy. He doesn't know what to do... Should he continue forward, or back up, and scrape again for sure? The classic parking lot dilemma, magnified by ten thousand. Tommy grasps the throttle and moves it slightly forward... SCRAAAAAAPE. He keeps going, in too deep to back out now... And the ship continues to SCRAAAAAPE for a couple of horrible seconds as it

completes the curve... And then it is free. The beautiful craft glides slowly out to open space... Jason and the others let out a sigh of relief.

48 EXT. SHIP

The ship glides out to space, only a relatively minor scrape of the paint job to show for the incident.

49 INT. DINING HALL

The crew and various aliens sit around the large table, eating an extravagant meal. MATHASAR makes a toast.

JASON

Oh. Mmm.

MATHASAR

How are you enjoying your steak, Commander?

JASON

Iím really enjoying it. This is like corn-fed Iowa beef.

TEB

Yes. We programmed the food synthesizer for each of you based on the regional menu of your birthplace.

JASON

I donít care where you did it. It tastes great!

Alexander is spooning up wriggling insects from his bowl.

TEB

Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks Dr. Lazarus?

Alexander, miserable, toys with the bowl of living insects swimming

in a disgustingly vomit-textured broth.

ALEXANDER

Just like mother used to make.

The insect jumps out of the spoon and lands in the plate.

He pushes the bowl away, nauseated.

ALEXANDER

So, um Ė Tell me, MATHASAR, this Sarris person that weíre flying to meet, what does he want, exactly?

MATHASAR

He Ė uh Ė he heard about the device Ė the Omega 13.

TOMMY

Um Ė What is it? What does it do?

MATHASAR

We donít know.

TEB

We were hoping you could enlighten us.

 

Gwen chuckles nervously and looks aprehensively at Jason.

JASON

Oh, the Omega 13 device. We found that on the alien planet. We donít know what it does, either.

The Thermians all gasp

TOMMY

Well, why donít you just turn it on and see what it does?

The Thermians emit shrill screeches and nervous laughter.

TEB

It has at its heart a reactor capable of unthinkable energy. If we were mistaken in our construction, the device would act as a molecular explosive, causing a chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe.

JASON

Has Sarris ever seen any of the, uh, historical records?

MATHASAR

NO, Thank God he has not.

JASON

Oh. So how does he know about the Omega 13 device?

MATHASAR

Our former Commander was not... Strong.

JASON

Former Commander?

MATHASAR

I'm sorry. You deserve to be shown.

He nods to a Crewman who pushes a button. A wall panel moves aside to reveal a large VIEWSCREEN. An image appears with a lot of static, and the sound cuts in and out...

MATHASAR

The tape was smuggled off of Sarrisí ship. Originally, one of our own tried to lead.

SARRIS (ON MONITOR)

Is that all? After three days of this you still require incentive?

Sarris moves switches on the panel. The device pulls at the alien's limbs, twisting them horribly. Bones crackle.

ALIEN COMMANDER (ON MONITOR)

I have told you all I know. If you have any mercy within you, please, let me die.

SARRIS

When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die...

Sarris toys with his control panel. Mercifully the screen fuzzes up with static and we can only HEAR the bone chilling SCREAMS...

We PAN around the table, past GWEN, ALEXANDER, TOMMY, GUY...Their mouths open in horror as they watch the screen. MATHASAR looks sadky at them all.

50 INT. HALLWAY

The actors walk down the hallway, panicked. Jason is pursuing them.

JASON

Wait a minute, guys. Come on. Hold on a minute. You just canít leave. Give me some time to think.

ALEXANDER

He wants to think.

TOMMY

No, Jason. Thatís a wrap. Thereís nothing to think about.

TOMMY

No, Jason, that's a wrap! There's nothing to think about!

GUY

Listen, I'm not even supposed to BE here. I'm just Crewman #6. I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove that the situation is serious! I gotta get out of here.

MATHASAR comes running up, looking distressed.

MATHASAR

Commander...

JASON

We gotta prepare the pods for my crewís departure.

MATHASAR

Begging your Commander's pardon, sir, but we cannot launch pods at the moment. Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving the ship.

JASON

Sarris?

MATHASAR

Yes sir, he's here now. Your presence is required on the command deck.

Everyone reacts, alarmed, and we CUT TO:

51 INT. COMMAND DECK

The actors enter the empty deck followed by MATHASAR.

GWEN

There's nobody here. Jason...

MATHASAR

While my people are talented scientists our attempts to operate our own technologies under tactical simulation have been disastrous.

He leans over to Gwen's computer station as she sits, and pushes a button.

MATHASAR

I have raised Sarris on zeta frequency.

JASON

Still, MATHASAR,

But he is interrupted by the sight of SARRIS appearing on the large VIEWSCREEN. Sarris now wears a metal eyepatch, and has a long scar across his cheek.

SARRIS

We meet again Commander.

The crew stares at Sarris. A frightening visage.

JASON

Hello Sarris... How are you doing?

SARRIS

Better than my Lieutenant. He failed to activate the ship's neutron armor as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.

He brings into view a stake with the impaled head of his former Lieutenant.

JASON

Yeah. Well, you know, Iíd like to say Iím real sorry about what happened before. The whole thing was just a (heh heh)misunderstanding.

SARRIS (ANGRILY)

Deliver the device to me, or I will destroy your ship.

JASON

You know, um, weíd like to do that, but frankly, Sarris, sir, we donít know what it is or even where it is.

SARRIS

You have ten seconds.

JASON

I donít Ė Ten seconds Ė I donít Ė There Ė You know, okay, gosh darn it! I give up. Itís yours. You can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for you, okay? (beat) Gwen.

Jason motions to Gwen to cut the transmission. Gwen nods.

JASON

Donít panic. I've dealt with this guy before. He's as stupid as he is ugly. Come here.

He grabs Guy and sits him down at the armament console.

GWEN

Jason.

JASON

Not now, Gwen. Sit, sit, sit.

JASON (CONTINUED)

We're going to send everything we can at him, all right?

GWEN

JASON...

JASON

Not now. Gwen Push these red buttons and send everything we have towards him, okay?

GUY

Okay.

JASON

All righgt, Gwen.

(Clears throat)

Put me back on with him.

GWEN

Thatís what Iíve been trying to tell you. You ARE back on with him.

SARRIS

Perhaps Iím not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander.

Jason turns to Gwen horrified.

JASON

I gave you the "kill" gesture.

GWEN

No, you gave me the "weíre dead" signal. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the hold button is.

GUY

Hey, guys?

 

GUY

Guys ... Thereís a Red thingy moving toward the green thingy.

JASON

What?

GUY

Red thingy moving toward the green thingy!

 

Guy motions to the radar screen. The red blip is about to impact.

GUY

I think Ė I think we're the green thingy.

SARRIS

A little present for you, Commander.

JASON

We gotta get out of here. Move the ship. Turn it. Move! Letís go!

The ship is POUNDED BY A TORPEDO BLAST. Now, unlike the "run back and forth" shake-the-camera explosions of the TV show, the result here is jarringly BRUTAL, like side-slamming a Hummer at 70mph. The entire crew goes FLYING from their positions and into the walls. The lights FLICKER.

They exchange glances, for the first time, bona fide FEAR In their eyes. This is REAL. Then ANOTHER blast sends them crumpled against walls and objects like rag dolls. The pain is palpable as they try to get back to their stations.

JASON

Tommy, Tommy! Letís go! Get us out of here!

TOMMY

Jason, what do I do?

JASON

Go! Go! Go!

Tommy looks at the sparkling map of lights on his dash.

TOMMY

WHOO!

Tommy punches the red button. They all hold on for dear life as the ship roars forward, across the path of Sarris' ship.

GWEN

They're turning. They're COMING.

An explosion rocks the ship. Then another, and ANOTHER...

SARRIS

Thrust ahead, full! (beat) Fire at will.

JASON

Go faster, Tommy!

TOMMY

Iím going as fast as I can.

GUY

Sheís still behind us...

JASON

Well, uh, uh, press the turbo. I'm always saying "press the turbos", right?...

TOMMY

Oh, itís right here.

JASON

Press it and hold it down.

He pushes the turbo. The ship begins to VIBRATE. Iy moves at a blinding sspeed.

TOMMY

Whoo!

COMPUTER

The enemy is matching velocity.

GWEN

The enemy is matching velocity.

ALEXANDER

We heard it the first time!

GWEN

Gosh! I'm doing it! I'm repeating the darn computer!

Suddenly an image of Fred down in the generator room appears on the side viewscreen. He's taking it all in stride.

FRED

Hi guys. Listen, they're telling me that the generators won't take it, the ship is breaking apart and all that. Just FYI.

The viewscreen goes black. The ship ROARS forward.

ALEXANDER

We've got to stop!

JASON

We stop we die. Keep holding the thruster down Tommy!

ALEXANDER

You canít hold a turbo down! It's for quick boosts

JASON

Oh! Like YOU know?

The ship GROANS and CREAKS. Then a loud KLAXON sounds.

GWEN

I remember that sound! That's a bad sound!

Jason looks forward. In the distance is an amorphous MASS...

JASON

Wait, wait, wait, wait. We might be able to lose them in this cloud here.

GWEN

I don't think that's a cloud...

As they approach, the "cloud" reveals itself to actually be thousands upon thousands of SLOWLY ROTATING OCTAHEDRONS.

JASON

Mathasar? What is that?

MATHASAR

It's the Tothian mine field left standing from the Great War of 12185.

Their jaws drop as they see the vast array of MINES.

TOMMY

Oh god ... Whoo!

THE FIRST MINE HITS, ROCKING THE SHIP... BOOM! Tommy SWERVES to avoid it, running into another mine. Then another. Tommy couldn't do worse if he were aiming for them.

ALEXANDER

Could you possibly try (BOOM!) not to hit (BOOM!) every (BOOM!) single (BOOM!) one!

TOMMY

Sorry, man. They're drifting toward us... I think they're magnetic!...

52 EXT. PROTECTOR

The ship HURTLES FORWARD through the mine field, taking considerable damage as the mines impact. PIECES of the ship fall off behind it...

52A INT. SARRIS' SHIP

Calm, Sarris watches the PROTECTOR fly into the almost certain death of the mine field. His LIEUTENANT flies ahead eagerly.

LATHE

Continue forward, sir?

SARRIS

Patience, Lieutenant ... Patience.

INT. COMMAND DECK

ALEXANDER

Weíve gotta stop.

 

JASON

We're almost through this.

The ship is now VIBRATING HORRIBLY. It GROANS and CREAKS then ... RIVETS start to POP sending DEADLY PROJECTILES flying.

And then suddenly a LOUD GRINDING noise. Then SILENCE. The vibrating stops. Gwen looks up from her radar screen.

The ship tumbles end over end, and finally drifts to a stop.

JASON

You okay? You all right?

VOICES

Yeah!

JASON

Everybody all right? Whereís Tommy?

55 INT. COMMAND DECK

The deck looks dead and empty. Smoke is in the air. The lights

are dim. The sirens have stopped. It's completely silent. The

crew slowly emerges from behind panels and equipment, bruised and

bloodied. Jason moves to Gwen.

They hear a GROAN. Tommy is crumpled against the wall, his arm

twisted impossibly. He's in agony.

JASON

Tommy! Are you all right?

TOMMY

No, my arm is broke Ė No! Donít touch it. Donít touch it!

MATHASAR

I'll take him to medical quarters.

JASON

Thanks, Mathasar.

Alexander moves toward the door.

GWEN

Alex? Where are you going?

ALEXANDER

To see if there's a pub.

He exits. The others turn to Jason, their faces sooty, their clothing torn and bloody.

56 INT. SHIP STRATEGY ROOM

COMPUTER

...Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage... aft vector guards, 96% damage... Level 5 structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40, 43, 58...

JASON

What about the engines?

COMPUTER

Forward thruster shaft Ė 87% damage.

GWEN

Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?

COMPUTER

The Beryllium Sphere has fractured under stress.

GWEN

It's fractured...

JASON

Can it be repaired?

GWEN

Computer, can it be repaired?

COMPUTER

Negative. Damage to beryllium sphere irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured.

GWEN

We need another one.

ALEXANDER (to Jason)

You broke the ship. You broke the bloody SHIP!

JASON

Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board?

GWEN

Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board?

COMPUTER

Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board.

GWEN

No. We have no extra beryllium sphere on board.

TOMMY

You know, that is really getting annoying.

GWEN (deadly)

Look! I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to DO it. OKAY?

TOMMY (intimidated)

Sure, no problem.

Suddenly the door opens and seven Aliens enter, led by MATHASAR. They look VERY SERIOUS. Guy exchanges an "uh oh" glance with Tommy... But the aliens lower their heads.

MATHASAR

A thousand apologies. We have failed you.

JASON

How have you failed us?

MATHASAR (wracked with sadness)

We have seen you victorious in much more desperate situations. The fault must lie with us, with the ship...

Gwen shoots Jason a glance... TELL THEM.

JASON

No, MATHASAR. It is not your fault and itís not the shipís fault. Itís-itís-itís-itís my fault. We-we screwed Ė

GWEN

We're not the people you think we are.

MATHASAR

I don't understand.

Alexander gets up and walks toward Mathasar.

ALEXANDER

Donít you make any TV shows on your planet? Any theater, films?

MATHASAR

The historical documents of your culture... Yes, in fact we have begun to document our own history, from your example...

GWEN

No not historical documents... They're not all historical documents... I mean... surely you don't think Gilligan's Island is a...

MATHASAR and the others exchange sad glances...

MATHASAR

Those poor people...

TOMMY

Oh, brother...

MATHASAR and the others exchange quizzical looks.

GUY

Weíre screwed.

GWEN

Is there no one on your planet who behaves in a way that is contrary to reality?

MATHASAR

Ah. You speak of...

Unable to bring the words to mind, he confers with his fellows.

MATHASAR

"Deception ..." "Lies."

MATHASAR

We have only recently become aware of these concepts. In our dealings with Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing, and do another. Promise us mercy but deliver destruction... It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost.

(a worried beat)

But if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common with Sarris.

He starts to laugh, and the other aliens join in.

Suddenly a VIEWSCREEN lights and we see Fred on the monitor from down in the generator room.

FRED (ON SCREEN)

Hey Commander. Listen, we found some Beryllium on a nearby planet. We might be able to get there if we re-configure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What do you think?

JASON

Weíll do that!

GUY

All right!

Fred turns to two young TECHS next to him.

FRED

Thatís Ė thatís right, again. Come on, everybody. Group hug.

EXT ORBITING A RED PLANET

The ship lumbers slowly forward. In the distance we see the swirling globe of a colorful and mysterious PLANET.

 

35 INT. HALLWAY

Alex's young escort, QUELLEK, leads him down the hall.

QUELLEK

Dr. Lazarus... I hope that I'm not breaching protocol but.. I am so very humbled to stand in your presence... I have studied your missions extensively... Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar.

ALEXANDER

Well good, that's very... nice.

QUELLEK (emotional)

By Grabthar's Hammer, Dr. Lazarus, I-

ALEXANDER

Don't do that. I'm not kidding.

QUELLEK

I'm sorry, sir, I was only-

ALEXANDER

Just don't.

QUELLEK

...Yes sir.

(they come to a stop)

58 INT. SURFACE POD BAY - LATER

MATHASAR

Never give up. Never surrender.

Jason, Gwen, Tommy, Fred and Guy enter the small surface pod. Quellek, Alexander's protege, steps forward, hands Alex a device.

QUELLEK

Dr. Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programmed it to the coordinates of a Beryllium Sphere of sufficient density.

QUELLEK (emotional)

Good luck on your mission, Sir.

ALEXANDER

Thanks.

 

59 INT. SURFACE POD

Tommy pilots the craft as the pod approaches the beautiful and mysterious planet. Guy looks out the window nervously.

JASON

Youíre doing good, Tommy.

Fred is calmly eating a snack and looking out the window like a tourist.

GUY

I changed my mind. I want to go back.

ALEXANDER

After all the fuss you made about not getting left behind on the ship?

GUY

Yeah, but that's when I thought maybe was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me, but now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet...

JASON

Youíre not gonna die on the planet, Guy.

GUY

Oh, I'm not? I'm not? Then what's my last name?

JASON

It's... I don't know.

GUY

No. Nobody does. Do you know WHY? Because my character isn't IMPORTANT enough for a last name. Because I'm going to DIE five minutes in.

GWEN

Guy, you HAVE a last name.

GUY

Do I? DO I? For all you know I'm just "CREWMAN #6"! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

(hysterical)

ALEXANDER (sighs)

Are we there yet?

60 EXT. SURFACE POD

The pod makes its way toward the surface.

JASON

Tommy!

61 INT. POD

The ship shakes as it lands. Everyone exchanges anxious glances.

ALEXANDER

Pull Out!

The ship swerves around and lands smoothly between two rocks. Everyone is amazed.

Suddenly the HATCH opens with a loud PHHHHT of air decompression. Fred has opened it.

GUY

Donít open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air!? You don't know, do you!

Fred sniffs the air.

FRED

Seems okay.

Guy sighs.

62 EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAY

The six exit the craft tentatively. Guy looks around, apprehensive.

GWEN

Here we go.

JASON

Which way, Alexander?

Alexander looks down at his mapper.

ALEXANDER

This way... Wait, no, that way...

They turn in the opposite direction.

TOMMY

You were holding it upside down weren't you?

ALEXANDER

Shut up.

TOMMY

You know, with the makeup and everything1 I actually thought he was smart for a second.

ALEXANDER

You think you could do better "Laredo?"

TOMMY

Hey, watch that "Laredo" stuff.

GUY

We're screwed... We're so screwed...

JASON

Come on, come on, come on. If we wanna finish this mission we have to use some self-control.

GWEN

Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Moon Princess and Terrakian slave girl on the show!...

JASON

Did it ever occur to you that if you had been a little more supportive you might have been able ...

66 VALLEY BELOW - MINING OUTPOST

Below there is a small ABANDONED MINING FACILITY. Wind WHISTLES through various structures and power stations. In the center of the outpost sits a large shimmering boulder.

JASON

There it is. The Beryllium sphere.

ALEXANDER

Must be some sort of mining facility.

GWEN

Where are the miners?

GUY

Something BAD happened here.

TOMMY

Will you relax?

Jason scans the area with a pair of binoculars and sees a number of rocky spheres.

JASON

There they are Ė beryllium spheres. Letís go.

SuddenlyThey become aware of a SMALL BLUE CREATURE emerging from one of the structures. It's blue and looks somewhat like a human child. It moves to a small pool of water and begins drinking. Its movements are very quiet and tentative. Then a few more BLUE CHILDREN emerge and join the first. The crew ducks behind the rocks.

GWEN (smiling, amazed)

Look at that... Will you LOOK at that... They look like little children...

ALEXANDER

Could they be the miners?

FRED

Sure. They're like, three years old.

ALEXANDER

MINERS, not MINORS.

He pronounces the two words exactly the same. Fred looks at Alex like he's crazy.

FRED

You lost me.

GUY

I don't like this... I don't like this at all...

GWEN

Oh, they're so cute.

GUY

Of course they're cute NOW. But in a second they're going to turn MEAN and UGLY somehow and then there are going to be a million MORE of them!...

Then another blue creature emerges. This one limps, its leg is hurt. It moves forward, DRAGGING its bad foot along the ground, making NOISE.

EVERYONE

Awwww..... It's hurt...

Gwen rises up a little, tentatively waving at Limpy...

GWEN

Hi! ... Hi there little guy...

Guy PUSHES her down behind the rock before the creatures notice.

GUY

Jesus, Did you guys ever WATCH the show!?

The BLUE CHILDREN turn toward Limpy, and begin whispering in an alien tongue...

ALIEN CHILDREN

Gorignak... Gorignak.... Nak nak!

GWEN

Aw, look. They're going to help the little one...

Indeed the others move to the hurt creature, cocking their heads to the side empathetically...

Then suddenly we see the aliens SMILE with SHARP RAZOR TEETH, their mouths SPREADING OUT IMPOSSIBLY ON THEIR FACES. They DESCEND on LIMPY, ripping him apart. We only see a GEYSER OF BLOOD from the center of the blue circle.... Our group is silent, horrified.

GUY

I am SO SICK of being right.

GWEN (stunned horror)

Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy.

JASON

Wait a minute. Weíre not going anywhere without a beryllium sphere. We need a plan.

Reluctantly, they all nod in agreement.

JASON

Fred, we need a diversion to clear those things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Tommy, get up on that ridge, and if you see them come back, give me a signal. All right?

GWEN

Why does this sound so familiar?

TOMMY

"Assault on Voltareck III." Episode 81, I think.

GUY

We're doing episode 81?

TOMMY

Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.

GWEN

How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?

GUY

We're doing episode 81, Jason?

JASON

It's a rough plan, Guy! What does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not?!

GUY

BECAUSE I DIED IN EPISODE 31!

FRED

Shh. Episode 51, right. Weíre doing episode 51, right.

ALEXANDER

(interrupting)

This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this fellow? Must I remind you that he is wearing a costume, not a uniform?... He's no more equipped to lead us than THIS fellow. (motions to Guy) No offense.

Gwen peers around the corner toward the spheres.

GWEN

Look. Theyíre gone.

GUY

Whereíd they go, back inside?

GWEN

I donít know.

ALEXANDER

Nobody was watching?

JASON

All right. All right. Listen up. Hereís the plan. Gwen, Fred, Alex and I will go down and get a sphere.

Fleegman, you set up a perimeter, and Tommy, youíre the lookout. You see anything at all, you give us a signal. All right?

TOMMY

What kind of a signal?

JASON

Any kind of signal.

TOMMY

Okay, Iíll do my hands like this ...

And caw, caw, caw.

JASON

What are you, an infant? Look. We have these. (shows the VOX)

TOMMY (chastened)

That Ė Sorry Ė

JASON

All right. Letís go.

EXT Ė THROUGH THE ROCKY DESERT to the mine

Jason is rolling in the dirt every few feet.

GWEN

Does the rolling help.

JASON

Uh Ė huh. It helps.

GWEN

Whereís your gun?

Jason stops and looks around for his gun. Alex and Gwen keep walking.

ALEX

It helps.

JASON

Shoot!

Tommy looks through the binoculars, watching the group head toward the Beryllium spheres.

TOMMY

Oh!

GUY

What?

They start running forward.

CUT TO: The sphere

They start to roll the heavy sphere.

JASON

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!

GWEN, FRED AND ALEX TOGETHER

Oh, shut up!

Tommy looks through the binoculars, sees something and begins to run down the hillside.

TOMMY

Caw, caw, Jason. Theyíre coming Ė Run, Jason, run.

The people pushing the sphere stop and look around. They see the blue meanies appearing from behind every rock.

TOMMY

Theyíre everywhere. Theyíre everywhere.

JASON

Come on. Letís go. Letís go.

They roll the sphere as fast as they can.

JASON

Hurry!

TOMMY

Theyíre everywhere. Come on.

JASON

Donít look back! Donít look back!

GUY

Weíre not gonna make it.

Gwen stops and looks back, to see the blue babies closing in on them repidly. She screams and rushes to catch up.

GUY

I knew it! I knew it! I knew this was gonna kill me.

JASON

Hurry! Go, go, go. Come on. Push. Letís go. Go.

They shove the ball into the shuttle and Jason yells to go.

TOMMY

I got it. But itís gonna take a few seconds.

GUY (Holding the sphere)

I got it! I got it!

ALEXANDER

Go ahead!

JASON

Thereís no time. Get it. Get in.

ALEXANDER

Of course, I forgot, youíve got to be the hero, havenít you? Heaven forbid anybody else gets the spotlight! Oh, no, Jason Nesmith Ė

Jason punches Alexander out.

GWEN

Oh! Jason, Jason, come on! Hurry.

GWEN

Hurry!

JASON

Tommy, go! Go! Iím in!

Jason falls out of the back of the pod.

GWEN

Help! No, no, no! Jason, please. Tommy, stop the pod. Stop it.

TOMMY

I canít stop it. Itís on autopilot.

GUY

Go, leave him.

GWEN

NO!

EXT VIEW OF THE POD

The pod lifts off the ground, with a number of creatures clinging to it.

INT SHUTTLE POD

Gwen and Alexander look back out the window at Jason amid the creatures.

ALEXANDER

Oh! Right! Of course, itís always about YOU, isnít it!

The ship inexorably flies upwards.

Jason is lying on the ground and the creatures are gathered around him, talking. We see subtitles.

CREATURE 1

Thatís strange ...

CREATURE 2

It looks like a child.

CREATURE 1

What should we do?

CREATURE (OS)

Hit it with a rock ... and weíll eat it.

A creature raises a rock and strikes.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN

We find Jason lying on his back, eyes closed. Heís still unconscious. Our POV shifts to a monster, almost all teeth, looking down at us. Back to a view of Jason, with the monster licking Jasonís face with a huge tongue.

JASON

Oh, hey!

Jason rises quickly, struggling to get away. In the background we hear the constant chanting of the creatures. They are saying "Gorignack, Gorignack."

INT SHIP TRANSPORTATION ROOM

Gwen, Guy, Tommy and Alexander run in.

GWEN (ON THE COMMUNICATOT)

Jason? Jason? Can you hear me?

JASON

Yeah, Gwen. You got me.

GWEN

Thank God! Are you okay?

Yeah. As a matter of fatc Iíve got Gorignak staring me in the face right now. But, you know what? I think I can take him.

GWEN

Jason, weíre going to use the digital conveyor to get you out of there.

JASON

The digital conveyor?

GWEN

Yeah.

JASON

You mean Iím gonna be diced into cubes and sent up there in a million pieces?

FRED

Right.

JASON

Well, you know what? I think Iíll take my chances with Gorignak.

GWEN

Weíre getting you out right now. Itís perfectly safe, isnít it, Teb?

TEB

It has never been successfully tested.

JASON

What did he say?

GWEN

Hold, please.

TEB

Theoretically, the mechanism is fully operational. However, it was built to accomodate your Hm anatomy, not ours. But now that Sergeant Chen is here, he can operate it. It was designed watching his motions from the historical documents.

FRED (STAMMERING)

I Ė I Ė I mean, I canít. I Ė I Ė I can supervise.

ALEXANDER

Jason, weíre gonna test it.

JASON

On what?

TOMMY

How about that pig lizard?

JASON

Hey, Iím doing all right with the pig lizard.

GWEN

Please, Fred. And hurry.

TEB

(High-pitched squeal)

Everyone looks at him for breaking Fredís concentration.

TEB

Iím sorry. Itís very exciting to watch the master at the controls. The operation of the conveyor is more hmmm - hmmm art than science.

GWEN

Stand back, Jason.

Fred adjusts the controls and zeroes in on the pig lizard. He aligns a square over the image of the lizard, twists the controls and we CUT TO:

VIEW OF THE PIG LIZARD, SHUDDERING

Suddenly it sparks, flares and ... disappears.

INT Spaceship transportation room

The lizard suddenly materializes on the platform, but there is something wrong. Its ribs are sticking up in the air. The people in the room scream and groan.

JASON

What? What was that?

ALEXANDER

Uh Ė Nothing.

JASON

I heard some squealing or something.

GWEN

Oh, no. Everythingís fine.

TEB

But the animal is inside out.

JASON

I heard that. It turned inside out?

The animal remains suddenly exploded.

TEB

And it exploded.

JASON

Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then it exploded? Hello?

GWEN

Hold, please.

JASON

Hey, wait a minute. Guys. Guys.

JASON

If the pig lizard is gone, why are they still yelling "Gorignak"?

TOMMY

Teb, hit the translation circuit.

He does, and the chanting changes from "Gorignak" to "Rock".

GWEN

Jason. I donít think the pig lizard was Gorignak.

JASON

What the hell you talking about?

Jason hears a rumbling and slowly turns around to see the rocks gathering into a walking shape.

JASON

Oh, darn.

Jason takes off, with the rock monster hot on his tail.

JASON

Digitize me!

GWEN

Come on, Fred.

FRED

Not me.

GWEN

Come on. They based it on your hand movements.

FRED

Am I the only one who saw that thing inside out? No, no, no, no. I ĖI Ė Iím not that guy. Iím not Tech Sergeant Chen. Iím Fred Kwan and Kwanís not even my middle name.

ALEXANDER

Fredís no good, Jason. Youíre just gonna have to kill it.

JASON

Kill it? Well, Iím open to any suggestions.

TOMMY

Go for the eyes, like in episode 22.

JASON

It doesnít have any eyes, Tommy.

TOMMY

Go for the mouth or the throat, its vulnerable spots!

JASON

Itís a rock. It doesnít have any vulnerable spots.

GUY

I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?

JASON

A lathe? Get off the line, Guy. Alexander, youíre my advisor. Advise me.

ALEXANDER

Well, youíre just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?

JASON

Itís a rock monster. It doesnít have motivation.

ALEXANDER

See, thatís your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.

JASON

Oh! Fred, can you hear me? Fred, are you there?

FRED

Kinda.

JASON

You can do it, Fred. Itís up to you.

FRED

Oh, no, no, no, Jason Iíll just - Iíll just mess it up.

JASON

You did it for four years on the show. Do it now.

FRED

That was on the show. Iím not that guy.

JASON

Fred, you never forgot a line. You never missed a mark.

FRED

Thatís not me anymore, man.

JASON

It is you, Fred. You just stopped trying. You could do this, Fred. I know in my heart, youíre gonna save my life.

FRED

I am?

JASON

No doubt about it, Fred.

The door opens to the room and Fred sees Laliani.

JASON

Fred!

Laliani smiles at Fred.

JASON

Fred, can you hear me? Fred!

Suddenly Fred zips up his uniform, turns to the controls and, with a new-found determination, sets to work.

JASON

Fred? I donít wanna die down here. Digitize me, Fred.

The rock monster falls directly on top of Jason.

CUT TO: INT Transportation room.

Jason suddenly arrives on the platform. Heís shirtless.

FRED

Oh, wow.

TEB

Tech Sergeant Chen.

JASON

Yeah!

Jason and Gwen hug, and Fred eyes Laliani.

JASON

Oh.

ALEXANDER

I see you managed to get your shirt off.

FRED

I did it.

JASON

Welcome back, Fred.

JASON

All right. Did we get the beryllium sphere installed?

TEB

Yes, we are back to full power.

JASON

Great! Engines and pods?

LALIANI

Fully operational.

JASON

Perfect! Weíll crank this sucker up. You can drop us off, and you guys can be back to your home planet before supper.

TEB

Oh, no, sir. We have no reason to go back.

JASON

Sure you do. Family, friends, come on.

TEB

We are all that is left.

The crew members all look at each other. None of them were told.

JASON

I didnít know that.

TEB

Sir, I have raised the command deck.

JASON

(INTO COMMUNICATOR)

Mathasar, meet us up on the command deck. Mathasar. Mathasar, Quellek! Why canít we reach them?

Suddenly, the door opens and Sarrisí troops come in, fully armed. Then Sarris enters. Guy faints.

INT COMMAND DECK

Jason is tossed into the room. All the other people are dragged in. MATHASAR is strapped to a table.

MATHASAR

Commander. Thank God youíre alive. Now you will face justice, Sarris.

SARRIS

At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination.

JASON

Leave him alone.

SARRIS

You wish to save the life of this man?

JASON

Yeah. Yes.

SARRIS

Then tell me Ė what does it do? This Omega 13.

JASON

I donít know what it does.

Sarris backs away, disbelieving.

JASON

I said I donít know.

Sarris shocks MATHASAR, who turns momentarily into his tentacled shape.

SARRIS

Is it a bomb?

JASON

I donít know.

Sarris shocks MATHASAR again.

SARRIS

A booby trap?

JASON

I donít know.

SARRIS

Tell me.

JASON

I donít know.

SARRIS

Do you think Iím a fool? That the commander does not know every bolt, every weld in his ship? (beat) Prepare a tear harness Ė for the female.

JASON

No, Gwen, no!

GWEN

You brute! Let go of me.

JASON

(GROANING)

Iím not the commander.

SARRIS

(SOFTLY)

What did you say?

JASON

I said Iím not the commander.

(getting up)

Leave them alone. Thereís no reason to hurt them. They donít know anything.

SARRIS

Explain.

JASON

Gwen, show him the historical documents.

GWEN

Computer. Show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions.

An episode begins to play. Sarris watches, understanding. He begins by chuckling, then laughing.

SARRIS

Wonderful. You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have. Bravo. Bravo. This is a moment I will treasure. Explain to him who you all really are. Tell him. Explain!

JASON

Mathasar, the Ė thereís no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I am an actor. Weíre all actors.

SARRIS

He doesnít understand. Explain as you would a child.

JASON

We Ė uh Ė we pretended. We lied.

MATHASAR moans with comprehension.

SARRIS

Yes! You understand that, donít you, Mathasar?

JASON

Mathasar, I Ė Iím not a commander. I, uh. Thereís no National Space Exploration Administration. We donít have a ship.

MATHASAR (pointing to screen)

But there it is.

JASON

That ship is that big (indicating two inches).

MATHASAR

But inside, I see many rooms.

JASON

Youíve seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is Ė is wire with plaster around it. And our (chuckle) our digital conveyor is Christmas tree lights. Itís a decoration. Itís all fake. Just like me.

MATHASAR

But why?

JASON

Itís difficult to explain. On our planet we Ė uh Ė we pretend Ė to Ė to entertain and - . Mayhasar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.

Mathasar gags.

Sarris

So now you know. Lieutenant Layhe. Hardwire the reactor core to overload. I would like to blow this troublesome vehicle to dust.

MATHASAR

Sarris. What about my people?

Sarris

Yes! Far too simple a death for them, isnít it? Lathe, open an oxygen seal on level C. Let the air in a bit for our friends.

JASON

Son of a Ė

Jason jumps on Sarris, but Sarris hits him with the shocking device and Jason goes down.

Sarris

Release them Ė into space.

COMPUTER

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in nine minutes. Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden

The crew is being manhandled toward the airlock room.

GWEN

Hey!

ALEXANDER

Whereís the happy ending, Jason? Never give up? Never surrender?

Jason watches a guard manipulate the door controls. He has an idea,

JASON (TO ALEXANDER)

Maybe itís about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity.

GWEN

Jason?

ALEXANDER

You what?

JASON

Youíre starting to act like you did in episode 17, you scene-stealing hack.

Alexander tries to recall what happened in episode 17. That was so long ago. Realization dawns slowly.

ALEXANDER

Oh, right. Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You murdered us all.

JASON

Shut up!

ALEXANDER

Hundreds to die just because of you.

JASON

I told you to shut up.

GUARD (COMING CLOSE)

Both of you Ė get in there.

ALEXANDER

Hundreds to die just because you wanna play a big commander. You raving lunatic.

JASON

Then Iíll see you in hell, wonít I?

Jason pushes Alexander, and they begin fighting, punching each other back and forth across the room. The rest of the crew is watching astonished. They have no idea what has gotten into these two. On one punch, Alexander aims Jason toward a long pole-like device, which Jason picks up, unseen by the guard. He swings it at Alexander, who ducks just in time, and the guard, right behind Alexander, is a perfect target. Jason whacks him.

ALEXANDER

Look out, Jason!

Alexander pushes the guard away.

JASON

Get his gun. Get the gun.

Alexander dives for the gun.

Guy jumps into the fray.

GUY

Take that!

Guy throws the guard in the chamber, to join his fellow. Just as they aim their weapons at the crew, the steel door suddenly comes down right on front of them. The crew looks at the guards, and the guards look at the crew, neither side capable of doing anything to the other.

Suddenly the door behind the guards opens and they are exposed to the vacuum of space. In a second, they are sent flying out of the craft by the air in the compartment. They are gone.

The crew turns to the door controls, and Fred is standing there, after pushing the right buttons.

FRED

Sorry, I was Ė Door was a little sticky. Did you see that? Iíll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.

Alexander hugs Fred, and the entire crew is happy, but they still have a problem. The core is still going to explode.

JASON (TO ALEXANDER)

You used to pull your punches.

ALEXANDER

You scene-stealing hack? Thank you.

JASON

Raving egomaniac?

ALEXANDER

Canít think of where I got that from.

GWEN

Guys. Look.

They see, on the monitor, the crew of the spaceship struggling to breathe.

GWEN

Theyíre suffocating.

COMPUTER

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in eight minutes.

The crew races off. They have to do something. They just canít stand around.

SARRISí GUARD

General! Your transport is ready for departure.

Sarris turns away from Mathasar and leaves.

COMPUTER

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosiaon estimated in seven minutes.

GWEN

Computer. Shut down the core.

COMPUTER

Unable. Memory checksums invalid. Core systemís hardware damaged.

JASON

All right. Listen up. This is what we gotta do.

Gwen, you and I weíre gonna get to the core and shut it down manually.

Fred, take Guy and Laliari. You find that valve. Shut it off before those Thermians run out of air.

Alexander, get to the barracks. Wedge a door open, in case they canít do that.

ALEXANDER

Okay.

TOMMY

Wait, Jason. What about me? What do I do?

JASON

Youíre gonna practice driving. Letís go!

TOMMY

Practice driving.

Jason and Gwen are making their way through the hallways.

GWEN

So we get to shut down a neutron reactor.

JASON

Thatís right.

GWEN

I hate to break it to you, Jason, but I donít know how to shut down a neutron reactor, and unless you took a learning annex course I donít know about, Iím pretty sure you donít know how to shut down a neutron reactor either.

JASON

Mo, I donít. But I know someone who does.

Jason flicks open his interstellar VOX

CUT TO EXT BRANDONíS HOUSE

INT BRANDONíS BEDROOM

His mother knocks on the door and opens it.

MOM

Brandon, honey. Garbage.

BRANDON (LOOKING THROUGH A MAGNIFIER)

Mother, Iím quite busy.

MOM

Come on, Brandon. Donít make me ask you again.

BRANDON

Just ten more minutes. Okay, Ma, I promise.

MOM

Great.

Brandon hears a soft beep. He doesnít know where itís coming from. He looks in the drawer, then he hears a soft voice.

JASON

(BEEP) Hello? Anybody there? ... Hello.

BRANDON (HESITANTLY)

Hello?

JASON (TO GWEN)

Got him.

(TO BRANDON)

Listen to me. This is Jason Nesmith. I play Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, NSEA Protector. We accidentally traded VOXes the other day when we bumped into each other.

Brandon now knows where the voice is coming from. He reaches for the VOX.

BEANDON

Oh? Oh, Commander, I see.

He picks up the VOX.

BRANDON

Okay.

JASON

Whatís your name, son?

BRANDON

Brandon.

JASON

Brandon, I remember you, from the convention, right? You asked all those little technical questions about the ship ... And I was a little short with you?

BRANDON

Yes, I - I know, Commander, and I actually wanna Ė I just wanted to tell you that I - I though a lot about what you said.

JASON

Itís okay. Now listen.

BRANDON

But I want you to know that Iím not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that itís just a TV show.

JASON

Hold on, wait a minute Ė

Brandon continues.

JASON

Wait a minute. Stop. Stop for just a second. Stop. Wait. Itís all real.

BRANDON

Oh, my God! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

JASON

The crew and I are in a lot of trouble, and we need your help.

CUT TO:

Alexander is sneaking around a corner in the passageway.

COMPUTER

Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in six minutes.

Alexander ducks into a doorway as guards come around the corner in front of him. Suddenly he hears a gasp and a light scream coming from above him. He takes a defensive stance, then notices that itís one of the Thermians. He somehow recognizes the creature.

QUELLEK

Sir, itís you. Thank Ipthar!

ALEXANDER

Quellek? What are you doing up there?

Quellek leaps down, activating his appearance generator, and he comes into the frame as a human.

QUELLEK

I avoided capture by using your Makítar stealth face.

Alexander feels, hey, whatever works.

QUELLEK

Where is everyone?

ALEXANDER (TAKING THE GUN)

Come with me. Iíll explain on the way.

CUT TO:

Another part of the ship. Gwen and Jason are making their way through the ship with the guidance from Brandon.

JASON (INTO THE VOX)

All right. Weíre at level C, hallway five. Now what?

BRANDON

Um Ė go to weapons storage, your second left, through the passage. And that leads to a system of utiliti corridors through the bowels of the ship.

JASON (TO THE DOOR MECHANISM)

Open!

BRANDON

You know. Iím gonna get Kyle. He knows the utility tunnel system better than anyone else alive.

CUT TO:

Guy, Fred and Laliani coming around a corner, Guy holding a gun at the ready.

GUY

... 38, 39, 40.

They reach a doorway.

FRED

All we have to do is turn off the valve to the barracks.

They look through the window to see that the room is filled with Sarrisí guards, sitting around chatting. They canít get to the valve, and the situation appears hopeless.

CUT TO:

INT BRANDONíS BEDROOM, COMPUTER SCREEN

Kyle is on the screen.

KYLE

Hi, Brandon.

BRANDON

No time for pleasantries, Kyle. We have a level five emergency. You still got the utility systems walk-through, right?

KYLE

Yeah. Iíve got sectors one through twenty-eight. I think Hollister has the upper levels.

BRANDON

Great. Iíll get everybody on-line.

CUT TO: COMMAND DECK Ė TOMMY

Tommy is watching the historical documents and practicing "driving".

LAREDO (ONSCREEN)

Pedal to the metal, Commander.

TOMMY

Pedal to the metal, Commander.

SARRISí SHIP

LATHE

General! I have just received word that the commander of the Protector and his command crew have escaped custody.

SARRIS

What?

Suddenly the windshield of the spacecraft is wetly struck by the body of one of Sarrisí guards. He glances at it dispassionately, then turns back to his Lieutenant.

SARRIS

Find them!

LATHE

But sir! My men! The core implosion Ė

SARRIS (ANGRILY)

FIND THEM!!

CUT TO: JASON AND GWEN

JASON

All right, Brandon. I see five ducts in this room. Which way do we go?

BRANDON

Enter the passage second to your left. And just continue straight for 50 meters.

GWEN

Ducts? Why is it always ducts?

BRANDON

Uh = there will be a slight drop.

Too late Ė Jason and Gwen slide down rapidly. Gwen screams, but they land harmlessly into a passageway.

JASON

Thanks for the heads-up, Brandon.

(TO GWEN)

You okay?

CUT TO:

Alexander and Quellek, reaching the doorway, where they can see the shipís crew.

QUELLEK

Theyíre dying.

CUT TO:

Jason and Gwen. They reach a catwalk without guard rails.

JASON

Wait a minute. We gotta go across this thing?

BRANDON

Yes.

JASON

Donít look down.

BRANDON (EXCITEDLY)

What Iíd give to see what youíre seeing!

What Gwen sees, looking down, is a slowly rotating fan that spans the entire core that theyíre crossing.

JASON

What are you talking about?

BRANDON

You[re deep in the underbelly of the Omega 13! Oh, it must be spectacular!

GWEN

It Ė it doesnít look like much to me. Thereís just these few walls and this dumb spinning fan that we have in every single Ė

Jason looks up and a look of incredulity crosses his face. He points and Gwen looks up, too.=

What they see is the inner works of the Omega 13, nodules, spinning and glowing, jets of light shooting throughout it.

JASON

Brandon. What does the Omega 13 device do?

BRANDON

Uh, many have believed that it is a matter collapser, a bomb capable of destroying pretty much everything in about 13 seconds. But myself and others are convinced that what is it Ė

JASON

We gotta go - go!

BRANDON

is a matter rearranger, affecting a 13 second time jump to the past.

GWEN

Why 13 seconds? Thatís really not enough time to do anything of any importance.

JASON

Itíd be time enough to redeem a single mistake.

GWEN

What?

Suddenly laser blast around them and Jason and Gwen have to move Ė Hason fires back as he ducks around the bend.

JASON

Go, go, go, go.

CUT TO:

Fred, Guy and Laliani, outside the door/

FRED

We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygenís almost gone.

GUY

Listen. Iíll go in. Iíll create a distraction. Iíve got this (referring to the gun). Iím okay. Iím gonna be able to hold Ďem back long enough for the aliens to escape.

FRED

Thatís suicide.

GUY

Iím just a glorified extra, Fred. Iím a dead man anyway. If Iím gonna die, Iíd rather go out as a hero than a coward.

FRED

Guy. Guy, maybe youíre the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that?

GUY

Plucky?

FRED

Oh, besides (chuckle) I just had thie really interesting idea.

GUY

Are you stoned?

CUT TO:

Alexander and Quellek

ALEXANDER

Gotta get her up, and give them some time.

QUELLEK

Sir Ė perhaps together Ė the Makítar chant of strength: Larak tarath.

Alexander figures itís worth a try. And it might just work.

TOGETHER (PULLING ON THE DOOR)

Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath.

The door comes open slightly, but itís not enough.

CUT TO:

Jason and Gwen

JASON

All right, Brandon. Weíre across. Now what?

BRANDON

You wanna take a left and then just straight on through the chompers.

GWEN

The chompers???

They turn a corner and see the chompers, a set of large pieces of metal that are rhytmically clapping together, waiting to crush anything that comes between them.

GWEN

Well, screw that!

JASON

How are we supposed to get through this?

BRANDON (TO HOLLISTER)

Hollister, do you have the sequence yet?

HOLLISTER

Okay, the sequence is Ė two-two-four-two-

GWEN

What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!

Guards catch up to them. They have to move NOW!

GWEN

We shouldnít have to do this. It makes no logical sense! Why is it here!

JASON

Because itís on the television show.

GWEN

Well, forget it! I am not doing it! This episode was badly written.

BRANDON

Okay, Commander. Now, as soon as the first crusher hits you

JASON

It just did.

BRANDON

Okay. Go NOW. Go!

JASON

Go! Stop! Go! Wait a minute! Go! Go! Come on. Come on. Come on.

Jason drops his gun and it gets crushed like a piece of butter.

They reach the end.

BRANDON

Jump, commander. Jump!

They do, just in time, for flames shoot up out of the floor.

GWEN

Whoever wrote this episode should die.

CUT TO:

Fred, Guy and Laliani

Fred is setting up the digital conveyor.

FRED

This should be interesting.

He zeroes in on the Rock Monster and manipulates the controls.

INT THE CHAMBER

The guards are sitting around when suddenly there is a flash. The Rock Monster appears in their midst and they all stare for a few seconds. Then they all begin shooting at it, to no effect.

FRED

Itís the simple things in life you treasure.

GUY

Thatís great. Now we better get -

Laliani and Fred look at each other, then Lalaini grabs Fred and kisses him.

GUY

Hey, get a room, guys.

Then she massages him with tentacles. Fred smiles and gives himself up to it.

GUY

Whoa! Hey, Fred. Hey, Fred!

They fall to the floor.

Whatever they are doing is not visible, but Ė

GUY

Hey, thatís not right! Oh.

CUT TO: The Rock Monster

It chases them out of the room and down the halls, until it breaks through the side of the ship, thrusting them all into space. The Rock Monster seems to have a smile on its "face" as it sees itself becoming a planet.

Fred makes it into the room and opens the valve.

QUELLEK

Sir! The pressure! Itís normalizing.

ALEXANDER

All right!

The door opens and they enter to help the people.

TEB

We are saved!

EVERYONE

He has saved us!

Alexander marches forward to receive his praise.

YEB

Commander Taggart has saved us.

ALEXANDER

Itís just not fair.

ALEXANDER (AFTER A SHORT MOMENT)

All right, Quellek, letís get back to the commander.

A laser blast hits Quellek in the chest.

QUELLEK

Iím Ė Iím shot.

He falls. The guard who shot him advances, raises his gun to get off another shot, but he misses, Then his gun jams.

Alexander and others manage to get Quellek out of the line of fire.

AKEXANDER

Quellek?

He looks at the wound.

ALEXANDER

Thatís not too bad. Weíll get you to the medical quarters, and youíll be fine.

QUELLEK

It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. I have been blessed, sir Ė I, I Ė

ALEXANDER

Donít speak, Quellek.

QUELLEK

Youíll forgive my impertinence, sir, but even though we never before met, I always considered you as a father to me.

ALEXANDER

Quellek. By Grabtharís hammer, by the suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.

Quellek dies, and Alexander feels the fires of anger well up inside him. He stands, goes out into the hall and charges the armed alien, with no regard for his own safety. Fortunately the gun is still jammed. Alexander reaches the man and pounds him to the deck.

CUT TO:

Jason and Gwen

GWEN

... 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19!

JASON

All right, Brandon. How do we shut this thing down?

BRANDON

Okay! Just push the blue button.

JASON

The blue button. Is that it?

BRANDON

Yeah. Why? Whatís wrong?

JASON

Nothing. I just thought itíd be more complicated than that.

As Jason raises the lid, the computer gives an update.

COMPUTER

Core implosion estimated in 20 seconds.

Jason pushes the button, but the clock keeps counting down. Jason pushes the button again and again.

JASON

Brandon, itís not working. Brandon.

CUT TO:

EXT BRANDONíS HOUSE

He is carrying out the garbage, with his mother standing guard. He puts the Garbage into a trash can.

BRANDON

Mother, I cannot stress enough the severity of the commanderís predicament.

MOM

Donít forget the recyclables!

Brandon runs back to resort the trash/

CUT TO:

Jason and Gwen, watching the closk steadily go down.

COMPUTER

Core implosion estimated in ten seconds. Nine ... eight ...

JASON

Gwen, I Ė

COMPUTER

... seven ... six ... five ... four ...

GWEN

Jason. Oh, Jason.

They hug for one last time.

COMPUTER

... three ... two ... one ...

Nothing happens! They look at the clock and see it has stopped on one.

GWEB

It always stops at one on the show.

They laugh with relief.

Jason turns to leave. They have wsork to do.

GWEN

Um, what were you saying?

CUT TO:

Sarrisí ship

LATHE

Sir!

SARRIS

What?

LATHE

The core detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted.

SARRIS

Impossible! Impossible! Lock a complement of implosion missiles under the Protector. Tear her apart.

IN PROTECTOR

The Thermians and the Earthlings are fighting the invaders, and they are winning. Alexander marches through the fray, striking out at any of the enemy who make a move. Jason catches up with him, as he is beating up one of them.

JASON

Heís finished, Alexander. Listen to me. Itís okay. Itís okay. The Thermians can handle it from here. We gotta go. Come on.

Alexanderís reptile headgear has come askew, but he doesnít seem to notice Ė and neither does anyone else.

INT COMMAND DECK

Jason, Gwen and Alexander arrive at the command deck on the run.

JASON

We need that armor back up! Get me a forward view right now!

Alexander hurriedly takes his place at the console.

ALEXANDER

Plasma armor: engaged.

There is a rumbling throughout the ship.

JASON

All right, Tommy, see if you can lose Ďem in thast minefield/

GUY

Mi Ė Mine field?!?

JASON

Pedal to the metal! Right now!

TOMMY

Pedal to the metal!

GUY

All right, letís go!

EXT VIEW of the Protector going into the cloud. Tommy is doing a lot better at avoiding the magnetic mines.

JASON

Good going, Tommy! Great going!

ABOARD SARRISí SHIP

SARRIS

Thrust ahead Ė full! Into the field/ GO!

EXT VIEW OF SARRISí SHIP ENTERING THE FIELD.

CUT TO: COMMAND DECK OF THE PROTECTOR

JASON

Tommy, can you get us closer to those mines?

TOMMY

Closer???

Jason looks at Tommy with a slight smile on his face/ Tommyís mind clicks, and he grins broadly.

TOMMY

I could try Ė

ABOARD SARRISí SHIP

LATHE

General, Iíve lost them. The magnetism of the mine field is disrupting our instruments.

Sarris turns away in disgust.

LATHE

Wait! I see something.

(Pointing)

Yes, yes! There they are.

SARRIS

Get back on their tail.

LATHE

I canít, sir.

SARRIS

What? Why not?

LATHE

Because theyíre coming right at us.

SARRIS

Fire at will!

INT PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK

GUY

Whoo! Weíre getting hammered, Jason/ Return fire?

JASON

No! Divert all energy to the armor!

SARRIS

How adorable! The actors are going to play war with me.

GWEN

Sarrisí ship accelerating toward us at mark 2.

JASON

Accelerate to mark 4.

The ships are heading toward each other at a rapid rate.

SARRIS

Let me reminf you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.

JASON

Well, let me tell you something, Sarris. It doesnít take a great actor to recognize a bad one. Youírfe sweating.

GWEN

Armor almost gone, Jason!

SARRIKS

You fool! You Failed to realize that, with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper.

JASON

And what you fail to realize is that my ship is ... dragging mines.

EXT PROTECTOR

As the ship passes below our POV we see that, behind it, attracted to the shipís metal but not able to catch up, are hundreds of the mines.

SARRIS

Oh, no! Turm! Turn!

Too late! The group of mines heads right for Sarrisí ship, tearing it apart. We see Sarris run away from the forward part of the command center and stop before a console. Then the ship explodes, lighting up space with a huge fireball.

GWEN

We did it!

Everyone cheers at the total destruction of the enemy ship.

TGOMMY

Yes! Yes!

Jason chuckles, then Mathasar comes through the door to the command center, walking with a crutch.

JASON

Mathasar! Oh, my God. Youíre alive.

They hug/

JASON

Come here.

MATHASAR (LAUGHING)

The ship was a model as big as this. A very clever deception, indeed!

The entire Thermian crew cheers and laughs.

TOMMY

Set a course for home, Commander?

JASON

Can you do that?

YOMMY

Oh, yeah. Just point and click. But weíre gonna have to go through the bnlack hole.

JASON

Any objections?

No one objects at all.

JASON

All right, set her up.

Jason notes that Mathasar has a sad look on his face/

JASON

Whatís the matter, Mathasar?

MATHASAR

We were hoping you could come with us. M-my people have no commander.

JASON

Mathgasar, I think your people have a great commander.

Then he gives Mathasar the Falaxy Quest salute and bow. Mathasarís people also salute and bow.

Mathasar whimpers and Teb salutes and bows.

JASON

All right, Tommy. Take us into the black hole.

Tommy manipulates the controls like an old pro, and the ship enters the vortex.

On the other side Ė

GWEN

Weíre out.

GUY

Weíre going home/

COMPUTER

Systems register functional/

GWEB

All systems are working, Commander/

ALEXANDER

Jason. Before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarrisí ahip.

JASON

Letís not worry about that right now, Alexander.

(seeing Fred enter)

Fred, what are you doing up here? Shouldnít you be downstairs until we dec Ė

(seeing Fred pull out as gun)

Hey, you know, you can put an eye out with that thing ... Fred?

Fred shoots Jason! Then he switches off a ?VOX, which he used to alter his appearance, and he becomes Ė he is - Sarris!

Sarris shoots Tommy, Gwen, Alexander, and Jason sees them fall. These are the people he loves, he realizes, so he musters the last of his strength to call out.

JASON

Mathasar! Activate the Omega 13!

Mathasar rises and turns it on, which brings an activate button up in front of Jason. He presses the button. The Omega 13 sends a signal throughout the universe and - time flips backwards.

GWEN

Weíre out.

GUY

Weíre going home.

Jason is the only one who remembers what went on just a few seconds before.

COMPUTER

Systems register functional/

GWEN

All systems are working, Commander.

ALEXANDER

Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarrisí ship.

Now Jason knew what that surge indicates. He watches the door that Fred will come through.

As Fred enters, Jason charges him, knocks the gun out of his hand and beats him to the ground. His crew, not knowing who it really was, canít understand why their Commander is going berserk.

GWEN

Jason! What are you doing? What are you doing?

JASON

Let go of me/ Let Ė Itís not Fred. Thatís Sarris. Listen to me. Iím telling you, thatís not Fred. Thatís Sarris. Heís going to try to kill all of us.

"Fred" turns into Sarris and rises from the deck. Deprived of his gun, he pulls a huge knife and lunges at Jason, when heís suddenly struck a blow from the side and goes down. Inconscious.

Itís Mathasar who has done the deed with his crutch.

MATHASAR

Never give up Ė never surrender.

TOMMY

Jason! Jason! I canít slow it down!

MATHASAR

Our ship is too big to enter the atmosphere. We need to separate or we will die.

JASON

We gotta do it. Itís our only hope, Mathasar. Thank you.

MATHADAR

Crew to the secondary deck.

GWEN

Mathasar.

He turns and she throws him a kiss.

MATHASAR

Goodbye, my friends.

GWEN

Fred. Get up to the command deck. Weíre separating.

Fred and Laliani are running through the hall when they meet Mathasar. Hed sees that they are holding hands and smiles, sending them on their way. An ambassador!

The ships separate and Mathasar takes command of his part.

MATHASAR

On, Teb. On.

The command portion of the ship is entering the atmosphere dangerously fast.

CUT TO: BRANDONíS HOUSE Ė INT LIBING ROOM

Brandoníe mom and dad are on the couch, reading newspapers, and watching TV.

TV

This is the third day of the Galaxy Con, and Jason Nesmith and his entire crew are no-shows here at the big event. Much to the disappointment of all these fans, known as Questoids.

BRANDON

ĎBye. Be back soon.

MOM

Wait a minute. Hey, Bramndon, where are you going with all those fireworks?

BRANDN

Well, the Protector got super accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it site Ė nailed the atmosphere at mark 16, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable obviously, so weíre gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman Candles for visual confirmnation,

MOM

A-All right. Dinnerís at seven.

Brandon leaves and Mom turns to Dad.

MOM

Well, heís outside.

DAD

Hmmm.

The ship is plunging through the atmosphere. Roman candles are flying up from the convention parking lot, Brandon is standing there holding the vox as high as he can.

The ship comes in over the horizon and skims over Brandon, so close that its wind blast knocks him to the ground.

It lands in the parking lot at a high rate of speed, taking out a number of cars, then continues on through the building, ending ujp at the stage, where it settle in a cloud of smoke and dust.

The crowd waits to see what will happen next. The door to the craft opens with a hiss. The announcer takes his place at the microphone. Brandon, Kyle and their friends enter the hall.

Tommy ecits the craft, coughing.

ANNOUNCER

Lieutenant Laredo Ė Tommy Webber! Hi, Tommy!

The beautiful Tawny Madison, Gwen DeMarco. Yes! Yes! Wow! What effects!

Guy comes out, hair askew/

ANNOUNCER

Another shipmate! Yes, the more the merrier!

The shipís Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan, and a friend!

Doctor Lazarus Ė Alexander Dane!

We see Sarris waking up.

ANNOUNCER

Give a big hand Ė heís British! Yeds, sir!

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart Ė Jason Nesmith!

JASON

Great driving, Tommy.

BRANDON

Yeah! Yes!

Suddenly, Sarris comes out, with a huge gun. The crowd reacts to him.

JASON

Quick! Quick, quick. Go, go, go.

He grabs Tommyís gun, rolls away from Sarris , takes aim and fires. Sarris is hit and immediately dissolves into nothingness. The crowd cheers.

ANNOUNCER

Come on, give it up for the crew, the N.S.E.A Protector!

Jason walks up and takes Gwenís hand, then they hug, and kiss, and Jason leans over her for a deep kiss.

ANNOUNCER

Ah, true love. Yes!

 

One of the girls in the audience faints.

ANNOUNCER

Theyíre here for you folks. Give it up! What a show!

Jason raises his hands and the crows cheers him. Then he spots Brandon and his crew, and salutes them.

ANNOUNCER

Come on give it up. Give it all up Ė for the crew of your favorite show, Galaxy Quest!

Jason beckons to his crew to come forward to take their bows, the first time he has ever done this, and they are momentarily confused. They step forward and bow in unison.

JASON

Come on! Come on!

ANNOUNCER

Donít forget to buy the Galaxy Quest T-shirts on yur way out. Thank you.

CUT TO:

The opening scene for Galaxy Quest, Announcer voiceover.

ANNOUNCER

And now, back again after 18 years, the New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.

On-screen subtitles:

Jason Nesmith as Commander Peter Quincy Taggert

Alexander Dane as Dr. Lazarus

Gwen DeMarco as Lt. Tawny Madison

Fred Kwan as Tgech Sgt. Chen

Jane Doe as Laliari

Tommt Webber as Laredo

And introducing Guy Fleegman as Security Chief "Roc" Ingersol

CREDITS

Unit Production Manager
Charles Newirth

First Assistant Director
Vincent Lascoumes

Second Assistant Director
Philippe R. Dupont


 
 

CAST

<div align=right>Jason Nesmith
Gwen DeMarco
Alexander Dane
Fred Kwan
Guy Fleegman
Mathasar
Sarris
Quellek
Laliari
Teb
Brandon
Kyle
Hollister
Tommy (age 9)
Lathe
Neru
Fan #1
Fan #2
Fan #3
Fan #4
Fan #5
Fan #6
Shy Girl
Bathroom teen #1
Bathroom teen #2
Excited Alien
Navigator
Technician #1
Technician #2
Nervous Tech
Lahnk
Teek
Brandon's Mom
Sarris' Guard
Reporter
Warrior Alien
Announcer
Alien Fan
Inventory Clerk
Computer Voice
Thermian Greeter #1
Thermian Greeter #2</div>

 

Tim Allen
Sigourney Weaver
Alan Rickman
Tony Shalhoub
Daryl Mitchell
Enrico Colantoni
Robin Sachs
Patrick Breen
Missi Pyle
Jed Rees
Justin Long
Jeremy Howard
Jonathan Feyer
Corbin Bleu
Wayne Péré
Samuel Lloyd
Bill Chott
Morgan Rusler
Gregg Binkley
Brandon Michael DePaul
Paul G Kubiak
Greg Colbrook
Jennifer Manley
John Patrick White
Todd Giebenhain
J. P. Manoux
Dan Gunther
Matt Winston
Brandon Keener
Dian Bachar
Rainn Wilson
Susan Egan
Heidi Swedberg
Isaac C. Singleton, Jr.
Jerry Penacoli
Joel McKinnon Miller
Kevin Hamilton McDonald
Daniel T. Parker
Dawn Hutchins
Joe Frank
Lawrence Richards
Mic Tomasi