BY

David Howard

Robert Gordon

Film Transcript

We're exiting the time knot now sir!

We're alive.

We made it, Commander. We made it!

By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.

Systems register functional.

All systems are working, Commander.

I don't like it. (beat) It was too easy...

Wait. Oh no. They’re everywhere!

(Alarm Blaring)

They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.

A trap.

We're surrounded, Commander.

It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped

Surrender may be our only option.

No! Never give up ... NEVER surrender.'

Your orders sir? ... Sir, your orders?

Activate the Omega 13.

Well? ... Huh? ... Well, there ya are. Huh? Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! ... That’s what I’m talking about. (beat) You are the first people to see the lost GALAXY QUEST episode 92 - two parter, since it was originally aired in 1982! Huh? Yeah! All Right!

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for ... The intrepid crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR!

... Red Scarf. Black Shoes. Wait. White scarf, black buttons, white shoes.

Now where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!

I mean, this is unreal! They're going to start eating each other out there.

Oh, did you hear? He booked another appearance without us?

You're kidding.

Uh. Uh. Oh.

Not again...

I played Richard III...

Five curtain calls...

There were Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at me ... LOOK AT ME! I cannot go out there, and I won’t say that stupid line one more time. I can’t ... and I won’t.

Well, Alex, at least you had a PART. Okay? You had a character people loved! I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit. No one even bothered to ask me what I DO on the show.

You had the, Wait, wait I'll think of it...

I repeated the computer, Fred.

Whew! Your Commander is on deck. Ha Ha. Wow, that smog is thick today, huh? Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack? ...

(looks at Alexander, who throws down stuff with a clatter)

Apparently not. You know, you should get that looked at (referring to Alex’s head).

Okay, what did I do? Hmmm?

What?

(Over a film clip showing the Commander defending Alex.)

For those four seasons, we developed the same affection for the crew as the crew had for each other.

These weren’t just adventurers exploring space. Friends – These were friends.

Unbelievable.

You are so full of it, man!

It’s not a big deal. These guys put a little set in their basement. I’m there about an hour. It’s nothing, Gwen.

(approaching Gwen)

They wanted the Commander.

There he goes –

Alexander, wait a minute. Grab him! Grab him!

Okay!

Yeah! Here we go!

Come on, old friend, old friend.

You stole all my best lines? You cut me out of episode two entirely?

Tawny Madison, my personal favorite.

Excuse me!

Gwen DeMarco!

YEAH!

Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! Let’s hear a warm welcome ... for crack gunner, Laredo, Tommy Webber!

You will ... go out there.

I won’t. And nothing you can say will make me.

The show must go on.

Damn You! Damn You! I won’t say that stupid line one more time.

Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen... Fred Kwan!

Tev'meck ... Alexander Dane

Yeah! All right!

"By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged.'"

Yeah! All right!

That guy can act.

"NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER... DAMN THE RESONANCE CANNONS, FULL SPEED AHEAD.'"

The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial decks "b" and "c" near the coke machines.

Excuse me, pardon me. Crew member coming through. Fans - right? Hey, Gwen,

Oh, hey, man. I want to thank you for that nice intro you gave us today. –Um-

Guy. You probably don’t remember me, do you? It’s the sunglasses, right? I was on the show in ’82 – episode 81. Got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial AAAAh!

Listen – uh – Maybe I could sit in and, oh, sign a couple of autographs?

"By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge you!"

"By Grabthar's hammer, by the-"

Next!

Had I moved an inch to the left the beast would have killed me. On the other hand, my crew was in danger...

How did you know what to do?

Come on! Without my crew, I'm not a Commander, huh.

I think we all remember what happened to that beast on Enok 7, right?

You gotta admit, they really do love him.

Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.

Excuse me, Commander, Hey!

Commander, I was wondering if you could help settle a dispute my crew and I seem to be having. Um, if you remember, in "The Quasar Dilemma",

Excuse me for a minute, fellas.

I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum...

Miss Demarco? ... In episode 15, "Mist of Delos 5?" I got the feeling that you and the Commander kind of had a thing. Did you?

No. The Commander and I NEVER had a thing.

That's her story.

Gwen, Gwen. Gwen.

Commander,

Excuse me.

I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we need your help.

Oh, oh, oh. Is this about that gig tomorrow? Just hammer out the details with my agent, and make sure there’s a limo at my house. Last time I did one of these gigs they shoved me in the back of a Toyota. Remember, mum’s the word.

I... certainly, but-um –mum – mum – mum -

Look here and – Beautiful.

It was cute when I didn't know you.

What a FREAK SHOW, man. Oh, this is HILARIOUS.

Bunch of losers! Beggin’ for autographs at 15 bucks a pop. – These guys haven’t had a real acting job for 20 years. This is all they’ve got. Did you check out Nesmith?

He actually gets off on those retards thinking he's a space Commander! Yeah, Oh, and his friends...

Dude. He has no idea he's a laughingstock... Even to his buddies. He’s pathetic.

Ooh, come on. Come on. The Galaxy Quest Dancers are almost on.

Whoo! Full speed ahead, Lieutenant.

Hey, Commander, uh. So, as I was saying,

... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b (to Kyle) could you get this ... deck B for Gamma override. The thing is that online blueprints indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering where the error lies?

It's just a television show. Okay? That's all.

Heh heh – ‘Cause we were wondering if the quantum flux, now just listen on this

There IS no quantum flux and there IS no auxiliary... There's no goddamn ship! You got it?

I mean it. I Mean it, Alex. I’ve never seen him lose it like that. Not to a fan. I mean it was just weird.

Gwen, I have said for years he's mentally unstable.

(a beat, back to Jason...)

I – I’m worried. It just was not like him.

As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars ... We'll be there. This fine ship, and this fine crew ... Never give up! Never surrender!

Can I help you?!

Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach in protocol,

Right. You shouldn’t come to my house.

... but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in this regard have been disastrous.

Please Commander, you are our last hope.

(beat)

We have secured our limousine.

What? ... Oh, oh, oh, oh, um. It’s the thing for the thing that’s, um – (beat) Maybe I should get some pants on. Come on in.

Commander, I must say that standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.

That’s – I really appreciate that. Would you guys look for another shoe that looks like this, please?

Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, personnel...

Um – a Coca Cola? Do you have one of those?

Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our people and the Sarris Dominion in greater detail.

Hey, how ya doin’?

What’s your name?

Doesn't she talk?

Her translator is broken.

Okey dokey... Ya know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so I'm going to just shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to everything you say. Okay? ...

Commander. Commander. I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck.

Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I understand you have been briefed.

Yeah, I got most of it in the car. Sarris is the bad guy, right?

Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes...

Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to just wing this?

I’m not sure I understand you...

Commander... Welcome to the Protector II.

Good to see ya.

Would you like to don your uniform?

You know what, I’d like to skip that? I got this gig in Van Nuys in about a quarter of an hour. Is that all right?

As you wish.

Sir... It's Sarris. He's here.

General. I have just received word the Thermians have appointed a new commander to handle the negotiations.

What?

This is just great. You know, usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.

Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are experiencing a hmmm reflective flux field this close to the galactic axis.

You know what I could use is a cupholder and a couple of Advil.

We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?

Um, set it on screen saver two.

(the NAVIGATOR looks confused)

Because, you know, we gotta - Oh, I’m sorry to break the mood here, uh. Slow it down to Mark 2, lieutenant.

I see fear. That is expected.

(his voice RESONATES)

Ah, they bring a new Commander...

It’s good.

Here are my demands.

It’s scary.

And if I do not hear what I like,

Real.

Then there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine.

First,

Backwash.

I require the Omega 13... Second – I will require a technician

(blasé, like a laundry list)

Okey dokey, okey dokey, Let's fire blue particle cannons full ... red particle cannons full. Gannet magnets fire them left and right. And let ‘em run all chutes. And while you’re at it why don’t ya toss that at ‘em, killer.

That should take care of old Lobster-head, shouldn’t it?

Commander?... Where are you... going?

Home.

You... You mean Earth?

Yeah. "Earth." I need to get back to "Earth," kids.

But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him.

Yeah. Yeah. Long live... What's the name of your planet, again?

Thermia.

Long live Thermia. This way?

But what if Sarris survives?

Oh, I doubt it. I gave him both barrels.

He has a very powerful ship.

If you got any more problems with the guy, just, you know, give me a call.

Ow!

An interstellar vox.

A what? Hey.

How can we thank you, Commander? You - You have saved our people.

Yeah, okay. You know you kids have been great. You really have.

(opens the VOX)

This thing is real-lookin’ Hello. Hello.

(chuckles)

Hey. Where’s my limo?

Take it from us... We've been all over the universe.

But we've never seen space age values like we've seen here ..... at

Tech Value electronics superstore

By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings.

All Right! Yeah, let’s hear it for the NSEA Protector.

Commander!... My apologies.

Evidently we had a miscommunication regarding the voyage, and that you didn’t show up.

He did it AGAIN!

Do you know what time it is? Why do you even bother to show up at all?

N – N – Not now, guys. I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the convention? Those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens. They were termites or Dalmatians. I can’t really remember because I was kinda hung over. But what they built was extraordinary. It was a huge spaceship. I got to fight this guy named Sarris, and I kicked his ass.

I know what you’re thinking, but I can prove it. They gave me this.

No, no, no, no, but can you talk to people in SPACE on those? (into Vox:)

Protector this is the Commander. Over!

Oh, for God’s sake.

That's it, It's time to go.

This isn't mine. Wait, that kid, where is that kid?...

Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives.

He was able upon your departure to make an escape.

Listen. Tell them.

However he has contacted us, and wishes to negotiate a surrender.

Sarris

We humbly implore you to come and negotiate the terms.

Huh?? They want me back ... You want me back? Is this amazing? They want me back and I want you guys to go with me. Please. Don’t even think about it. Let’s go. Yes?

You’re – You’re going?

Alexander, this is not – I’m not kidding here. This isn’t some kinda prank. I’m not kidding. No, guys, guys, listen. Come on. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Gwen, stop. Come here. You know me and I’m a lot of things, but am I crazy?

Gwen, you know me. I'm a lot of things but I'm not crazy.

You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but it’s another thing to do it to your fans?...

This is not a fan. This – This is a Termite.

Boy! I didn’t know you could get that loaded.

I think we should have just taken the gig... I mean, who knows the next time he'll ask us.

Fred, he was drunk. Do you really think he was talking about a job?

But you live with your mother?

Did Jason come through here?

Yeah. He’s in there. Hey. Guys.

Ah! We are coming too.

All of you wish to go to the ship?

Yes. We wish to go to the ship You see, we work together, or not at all.

Wonderful! The Commander had me continue transmission in case you changed your mind. (to Vox) Protector, requesting four Interstellar pods for immediate departure.

Uh – me, too.

Five pods, for immediate departure.

Guys... Guys?

What in the world...?

I look forward to meeting you all in person when we arrive at the ship. End transmission.

Anybody got any change?

I don’t know. Come on.

Welcome my friends

This is MATHASAR. He’s their leader.

I am MATHASAR. On behalf of all my people I wish to thank you from the deepest place in our hearts.

MATHASAR, this is, uh, my crew.

Dr. Lazarus ...

Lt. Madison ...

Young Laredo, how you've grown.

Tech Sgt. Chen... And....

"Crewman # s..." Guy.

You... know us?

(soft laugh)

I don't believe there is a man, woman or child on my planet who does not. In the years since we first received transmission of your historical documents, we have studied every facet of your missions and strategies.

You’ve been watching the show ...

Lieutenant? Historical documents.

... historical documents from out here?

The past hundred years our society had fallen into disarray. Our goals, our values had become scattered. But since the transmission, we have modeled every aspect of our society from your example, and it has saved us. Your courage and teamwork, and friendship through adversity. In fact, all you see around you has been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.

Is this a – a spaceship?

No. This is a starport FOR the ship.

(a twinkle In his eye)

Would you guys like to see the ship?

Oh my god.

It’s real.

The generator room.

The Beryllium sphere, of course.

And as we continue ...

The medical quarters are to the left.

We went through some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration.

Jason, what have you gotten us into?

What in hell is going on?

What are we doing here?

Wow, the floors are so clean.

We're just here to negotiate this guy Sarris' surrender. It’s no big deal.

And the organ fabrication chamber is coming along nicely.

It’s no big deal? Are you crazy? We have to get out of here.

Oh, come on, guys.

Jason, we are actors, not astronauts.

You guys want to go home? Fine. Say the word, and we'll all go home, pay our bills, feed our fish, fall asleep in front of the TV – and miss out on all of this. Come on. Do you guys wanna do that? Anybody? Gwen, come on, think about ... look at where we are. We’re in space.

Alexander, this is the role of a lifetime. You guys wanna leave?

We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.

The main barracks

At ease.

It’s like throwing gasoline on a flame...

What?

I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.

If you would all take your positions...

Our what?

Guys -

Oh, right... US! Yes, of course... US!

Look .. This thingy ... I remember – I remember I had it all worked out. This

was forward, this is back ...

Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this historic event.

Sure. Bring ‘em in.

No pressure, huh? Glad I ain’t the Commander.

Laredo, take us out.

Excuse me?

They designed those controls after watching you. Take her out.

Right. Right. Okay. Right. Right. Take her out.

Okay.

You gotta move to the right. More to the right.

Would you sit your ass down?

Hit parallel

Move! You wanna drive this thing?

Oh. Mmm.

How are you enjoying your steak, Commander?

I’m really enjoying it. This is like corn-fed Iowa beef.

Yes. We programmed the food synthesizer for each of you based on the regional menu of your birthplace.

I don’t care where you did it. It tastes great!

Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks Dr. Lazarus?

So, um – Tell me, MATHASAR, this Sarris person that we’re flying to meet, what does he want, exactly?

He – uh – he heard about the device – the Omega 13.

Um – What is it? What does it do?

We don’t know.

Oh, the Omega 13 device. We found that on the alien planet. We don’t know what it does, either.

Well, why don’t you just turn it on and see what it does?

It has at its heart a reactor capable of unthinkable energy. If we were mistaken in our construction, the device would act as a molecular explosive, causing a chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe.

Has Sarris ever seen any of the, uh, historical records?

NO, Thank God he has not.

Oh. So how does he know about the Omega 13 device?

Our former Commander was not... Strong.

Former Commander?

I'm sorry. You deserve to be shown.

The tape was smuggled off of Sarris’ ship. Originally, one of our own tried to lead.

Is that all? After three days of this you still require incentive?

I have told you all I know. If you have any mercy within you, please, let me die.

When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die...

Wait a minute, guys. Come on. Hold on a minute. You just can’t leave. Give me some time to think.

He wants to think.

No, Jason. That’s a wrap. There’s nothing to think about.

No, Jason, that's a wrap! There's nothing to think about!

Listen, I'm not even supposed to BE here. I'm just Crewman #6. I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove that the situation is serious! I gotta get out of here.

Commander...

We gotta prepare the pods for my crew’s departure.

Begging your Commander's pardon, sir, but we cannot launch pods at the moment. Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving the ship.

Sarris?

Yes sir, he's here now. Your presence is required on the command deck.

There's nobody here. Jason...

While my people are talented scientists our attempts to operate our own technologies under tactical simulation have been disastrous.

I have raised Sarris on zeta frequency.

Still, MATHASAR,

We meet again Commander.

Hello Sarris... How are you doing?

Better than my Lieutenant. He failed to activate the ship's neutron armor as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.

Yeah. Well, you know, I’d like to say I’m real sorry about what happened before. The whole thing was just a (heh heh)misunderstanding.

Deliver the device to me, or I will destroy your ship.

You know, um, we’d like to do that, but frankly, Sarris, sir, we don’t know what it is or even where it is.

You have ten seconds.

I don’t – Ten seconds – I don’t – There – You know, okay, gosh darn it! I give up. It’s yours. You can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for you, okay? (beat) Gwen.

Don’t panic. I've dealt with this guy before. He's as stupid as he is ugly. Come here.

Jason.

Not now, Gwen. Sit, sit, sit.

We're going to send everything we can at him, all right?

JASON...

Not now. Gwen Push these red buttons and send everything we have towards him, okay?

Okay.

All righgt, Gwen.

(Clears throat)

Put me back on with him.

That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. You ARE back on with him.

Perhaps I’m not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander.

I gave you the "kill" gesture.