Men In Black FADE IN EXT. DEEP SPACE We're rushing through the universe at what must be thousands of miles per second. Asteroids, stars and so-called "dark matter" whirl past in a blur. Whose point of view this is, we don't know. We're just moving, quickly, through deep, wide space, when WE CUT TO: Tight space. And we are: IN THE BACK OF A DARK VAN - TEXAS/MEXICO BORDER - AT NIGHT CLOSE ON faces. Latinos. Nervous. Huddled in darkness as the van grinds through muddy terrain. One of them, a child, cries out in Spanish, comforted by his father. Several others look on as-- THE DRIVER Anxiously checks his rear view mirror. He's being followed. THEN IN FRONT OF HIM - BEHIND DARK BUSHES in the middle of the bog are several INS AGENTS, who rise, badges and guns exposed as the van's headlights cut through the brush and INT. VAN The Driver curses in Spanish and the seven would-be illegal immigrants hold each other as the van lurches to a halt and-- THE INS MEN APPROACH THE DRIVER Intimidating. They wear sunglasses, even at night. The Driver rolls down his window. He's a smuggler, a slime, and held sell his mother for beer. But the INS guys are used to guys like him. Maybe too used to it, cause they don't treat him very well. INS LEADER What you got? Huh? More wetbacks to take more jobs? Huh, amigo? DRIVER No le puedo ayudar, companero. (subtitled: I can not help you, my friend.) Using more force than they need to, the INS men yank the Driver out of the van. INS LEADER You're gonna be in this country, you're gonna learn the god damn language. Mojados jodidos... IN THE VAN The seven hear, but don't see, what's going on, as -- JUST OUTSIDE Quickly and brutally, the INS handcuff the Driver to a somewhat high branch on a nearby tree. And then- IN THE BACK OF THE VAN Bright light spills in as the doors are flung open and the INS Men are standing there with flashlights. A MINUTE LATER - OUTSIDE THE VAN The seven scared illegal aliens are lined up and the INS men are removing handcuffs as they hear another car approaching and-- AROUND THE HALF-CIRCLE OF INS CARS Another car pulls up and stops. This one just as plain as the others: a boxy, powder-blue, 1986 Ford LTD. And out of it, backlighting the headlights of the other INS cars, step: TWO MEN Who clearly have been on a long chase. One of them is middle-aged, and his wizened, weathered demeanor carries with it the baggage of many years of many other long chases. This is KAY. The other man is older, and, where as Kay is the apotheosis of world weary, this man, DEE, is just simply weary. Lead by Kay, the two step to the center and speak to the Leader. KAY We'll take it from here. INS LEADER What? Who the hell are you? KAY INS, Washington. Special services. Kay and Dee show the Leader some form of ID. - Whatever it says, it sure seems to impress him. Cause he just nods and backs away. INS LEADER Yes, air. Welcome to Texas, air. The Leader signals, and they all move back, watching as Kay approaches the row of nervous immigrants. When he reaches them, h slowly and deliberately studies each and every one of their faces. KAY Which do you have your money on, Dee? DEE I'd go with number three. KAY Three, huh? Really? Cause a cup of coffee says we're talking about... number... four? Huh? No? Kay stops at the fourth. Stares closely. Then moves on. Then comes back. Looks him in the eye. (Subtitles are bolded.) KAY Carnet, compadre. See some ID? The Fourth Man in line just stands there. KAY I said: I want to see some ID. The Fourth Man nods, hands Kay some papers. Kay looks at them KAY (in Spanish, subtitled) "Jose Garcia?!! Really? Well Jose, this is odd. Cause it says you've lived in Oaxaca for thirty one years... yet, you have no idea what I'm saying, do you? "Jose" remains motionless, uncomprehending. KAY (in Spanish) Cause you don't speak a lick of Spanish. Do you? Kay motions to the other 6 would-be immigrants. KAY Vayanse. You others, go on. INS LEADER Sir-- KAY Pasen al-furgon v larguense de aqui! Take the van and go. INS LEADER Sir, you can't just-- KAY DON'T "SIR" ME-- YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH. Silence in the woods. KAY (to Dee) Run a 6-11. And grab me a B-140. Dee nods. Starts back to the car as the confused but thankful Mexicans rush into the van, and Kay turns, calmly, back to the now trembling "Jose." The van lurches into the night. The INS guys watch, eyes wide. The Van Driver, too, as Kay circles Jose, looking him over closely. KAY You disappoint me, Jose. Leaving your country like that. Putting all those poor people in danger. I mean... It is Jose, isn't it? Or is it... Kay suddenly removes a knife. Places it near Jose's belly. And which fall to the ground, revealing that Jose's clothes, skin and head were just hiding who Jose really is. A GREEN, SCALY, 6-ARMED SPACE ALIEN Who unfolds-- that is, he was actually bent over to fit in his skin/clothes camouflage outfit-- and stands to his full height: about eight skinny, scaly feet. The only part of his camouflage not crumpled on the ground is the humanesque head, which he still lamely holds in one of his six hands. It's propped up by a stick-- like a puppet would be-- and continues to make expressions as he holds it. KAY Mikey? Well well well. It is, isn't it? Now, didn't we agree you're not leaving Nazca till you erased all the lines in the sand? Alright. Why don't you hand me your head and put your arms up. Mikey gives Kay his "head." Kay looks at it, nods, actually somewhat impressed, then tosses it into the dirt. The INS guys don't know what to stare at; the alien, or the head, which continues to make expressions in the dirt. The Van Driver faints, still handcuffed to the tree. KAY Now I want you to talk to me, Mikey. Why'd you bum the ride? Where were you going? The Alien speaks in a blend of syllables that sounds like a record being played backwards. Kay pulls out a pocket translator-- like English/French computer that happens to house million languages. As he speaks, a small speaker biceps the translation, allowing Mikey to understand. (Again, titles are bold.) MIKEY Nowhere. KAY Nowhere, huh? odd you'd get all dressed up like that just to be going nowhere. Mikey shifts. Hems and haws. Like a two-bit criminal who knows he's been caught. MIKEY Er. well, nowhere special. KAY I don't believe you, Mikey. And you know why I don't believe you? Cause last time you said that you and your pals left eight dozen empty beer cans on the other side of the moon. MIKEY Yeah, wall, you know, I was just going there... to pick then up. Dee returns. Nods "okay." Kay nods back, keeps pressing Mikey. KAY Oh yeah? Well if you're suddenly such a good samaritan, why didn't you file a departure report, like you're supposed to? You know how many rules you've just broken? MIKEY I dunno. One? KAY Try seven. From unauthorized mobilization to appearing unconcealed before a resident. You wanna tell me what's going on? Huh? MIKEY It's... coming. KAY What are you talking about, it's coming? What's coming? But scared Mikey just shakes his head. And starts inching away.. KAY Mikey. Hold it, Mikey-- I want you to talk to me. Mikey. I'm telling you.. don't make me... Mikey (turns to Dee) Gimme the 140. DEE (eyes widening) Oh. Shit. it's in the car-- KAY What? I thought you just-- Mikey now breaks away and runs right toward the INS Agents, who-- as soon as they register what's happening-- back away in fear-- INS AGENTS No. Oh God. No. Mikey's mouth opens really wide. And as Mikey's just about to eat the INS leader-- KAY - Oh, Mikey... Kay FIRES and-- The INS LEADER recoils in a fetal ball of screaming terror as what's left of Mikey just lands and splats all over him, as though someone just dumped a bucket of alienesque goo... Kay looks the INS Guy, still screaming in terror. Shakes his head.. and WE CUT TO: EXT. WOODS - A MOMENT LATER More trucks, van, cars are on the scene. The only demarkation of any note are the words "Special Services" on some of them. There's a crew of people wearing dark coveralls doing some sort of "clean-up" operation. We see some tearing away of foliage and some fires being carefully set and extinguished. Kay, still frustrated, walks through the center, shout a few passing orders-- KAY Little more burn on the perimeter-they weren't roasting smores here. Dig out this hole a little. Cmon, I know it's late, but the sooner we get it right, the sooner we'll all be home. DEE (Approaches) Kay, I'm sorry... KAY Don't worry about it. Four-Eyes'll run a track on him. We'll get that son of a... whatever the hell he's the son of. And he keeps walking toward the most pressing of the tasks at hand: The INS Men and the Van Driver, who are standing in a clump just on the outskirts of the scene, excited by what they just witnessed. The INS Leader's just finishing cleaning himself off with a towel. INS LEADER I gotta tell Beef, he's gonna freak. OTHER INS GUY Beef. And Charlie! And Jim! Wait'll we tell Jim! KAY (approaching) Okay, I need your attention. STILL OTHER INS GUY Shit I wish I had my Video camera-- KAY I need your attention. They shut up. Turn to Kay, who holds a sleek, tubular metallic device the size of a toothbrush holder. At one end is a small dual probe-- like that through which a current could be conducted. Also on the front is an infra red eye. On the side is a numbered dial. KAY This is a neurelyser. it was a gift from some friends from out of town. I need you to look at it. This red eye here isolates and measures the nature of the electronic impulses currently in your brain. More specifically, the ones -for memory, which it will then block. (as the Leader's eyes wander toward Kay's crew) I said I need you to look right here. INS LEADER Why? What are you gonna do? KAY Actually that's a very good question. The answer-- if You'll Just look at this Part-- is here. He points to the tip, and obscures it Just a little, causing the He to -actually have to look closer in order to see it. And they do. OTHER INS GUY Who... Are you? Really? KAY Really? I'm just a figment of your imagination. And that's when Kay closes his eyes as a rapid series of electronic pulses shoots between the two prongs of the probe at the end of that neuralyser. He throws on a pair of government-issue wire-rimmed sunglasses, and opens his eyes. When he does, all the INS Men and the Van Driver are sitting, silent, eyes wide, just staring at the flashing pulses. KAY. God, we're a stupid breed. Kay waits as a timer on the side quickly winds down from 30 minute to 0. The pulses stop and INS Guys and The Driver all open their eyes. They look like they've just awoken from a concussion. Kay pockets the neuralyser and speaks to the Men as they "come to. KAY You men are lucky. It's rare so many can survive such a blast. The men look around, baffled and confused. INS LEADER Blast? What are you talking about? Kay indicates the surrounding area, which his crew has manipulates to look like an explosion had recently gone off. KAY Underground gas vein. Next time, be more careful when you shoot off your guns. INS LEADER What? KAY You heard me. (pointing at the leader) You two, especially. Key leaves the absolutely baffled INS One, who, though confused, turns and blames the Leader, who nervously shrugs and denies whatever it is he can't remember he may have done. Dee appears again. DEE Kay, listen, I dunno what got into-- KAY Don't worry about it. It's been a long night. Speaking of which-- you owe me a cup of coffee, remember? Dee looks at Kay, whole able to muster some not ungenuine empathy. Dee nods. Smiles. And WE CUT TO: EXT. 7/11 - LATER THAT NIGHT The plain, unmarked, powder-blue LTD parks outside the convenience store as and Kay and Dee get out, mid-conversation. DEE ...'member that? How many pink-heads were there that night? 14? 15? Right in the New York Subway. Remember how scared you were? KAY I wasn't scared... DEE Oh yeah? The hell you weren't. Little pither just out of school... They reach the door. Kay pulls it open. Holds it for Dee. KAY Grab the coffee, will ya? I told Zed I'd give him a buzz. DEE Listen-- do me a favor-- don't mention the 140 thing-- KAY Don't worry about it. Dee nods and heads inside. Kay pulls a special 2-way radio from inside his coat. Hits a button. ELDERLY VOICE ON RADIO (ZED) Kay? How'd it go? KAY We lost Mikey. ZED How's Dee? KAY (watching Dee in store) Fine. Good. ZED'S VOICE (a knowing pause) How long have you been covering for him, Kay? Another pause. Kay continues to watch Dee through the glass. The coffee ripples from the slight unsteadiness in Deals stride. KAY I dunno... half a year, year, maybe... Though Zed doesn't see Kay, he knows him well enough to sense what Kay may be feeling. ZED'S VOICE Hey, it's alright. He brought you in, nobody expects you to be objective. Through the glass, we see Dee paying at the counter. KAY So... now what? Cattle call again? ZED'S VOICE We've got about eight or nine prospects I want you look-- KAY Yeah, I'll talk to you. He hangs up because Dee is backing the door open and turning with the coffee. Dee hands Kay his cup. Kay Looks around. DEE Helluva night, isn't it? KAY Yup. Sure is. Kay looks at Dee, then looks up, into the darkness, and WE CUT TO: EXT. DEEP IN THE UNIVERSE The POV SHOT -- again. RUSHING THROUGH THE DARKNESS. Zooming through space. Heading somewhere. We begin to see the tip of a galaxy coming into view, way, way, way off in the distance. Is it our galaxy? We don't know. And WE CUT TO: INT. SMALL APARTMENT - DAY A handsome, just shaved-and-showered YOUNG MAN finishes tying his tie before a mirror. It's clear this is the beginning of a big day YOUNG MAN Yes, sir, Mr. President. May I get that door for you, Mr. President? (throwing on suit jacket) What's that, air? Oh, a bullet? Hang on-- please, allow me to dive in front of it for you. oh... you're welcome, Mr. President. He finishes buttoning the jacket. Stands straight. Looks sharp. YOUNG MAN What's that, air? My name? James D.Cowan the Third. Sir. And he salutes. And we HEAR APPLAUSE, and WE CUT TO: EXT. U.S. SECRET SERVICE ACADEMY - GRADUATION HALL - DAY Cars pull up and proud parents get out with their finely-dressed sons and daughters. Everyone is in little groups; friends, family. Except- - COWAN Who walks, alone, toward the hall. He glances around at the academy, grounds. Proud. Takes a camera out of his bag. Holds his arm out and takes his own photo with it. We hear applause and CUT TO: U.S. SECRET SERVICE ACADEMY GRADUATION - A LITTLE WHILE LATER Amid the pomp and ceremony and the flags and the packed crowd and the hundreds of graduating cadets sits.-.. GRADUATING CADET JAMES D. COWAN III As he listens while cadets stand and shimmy up toward the front podium as their names are being called off by: CADET CLASS SUPERVISOR AMERY WALLACE Who addresses the gathered crowd of sharply dressed graduates and their proud parents and friends. WALLACE (AMPLIFIED OVER P.A. SYSTEM) Leo Beckerman... Mark F Candrowski... ANGLE ON COWARIS ROW As graduating Cadet Leo Beckerman starts down the raw, followed a moment later by Cadet Mark Candrowski. Each shimmies past: COWAN As he waits eagerly for his name to be called. They're only one away now... WALLACE (CONTINUING) Zander Collier... Collier gets up. Cowan's next. He prepares to stand. WALLACE (CONTINUING) Mark DeBonis... The cadet on the other side of Cowan gets up. Cowan is confused. Did they forget? He looks around. Confusion shifts to terror as... the next one goes. Then the next guy... WALLACE (CONTINUING) Stuart Donerkiel... Daniel Dvorsky... CLOSER - COWAN it's like a terrible dream. only, he's wide, wide awake. And he's the sitting in his now-empty row. As he looks around, confused and scared, WE CUT TO: EXT. CEREMONY GROUNDS - A LITTLE WHILE LATER Photos, fun. Everyone's relaxed, having a good time. Except-- COWAN who rushes to Cadet Class Supervisor Wallace, who is breaking away from posing for a photo with some cadets. Wallace is a popular photo op, and he's pursued by many cadets. COWAN Sir! Agent Wallace, air! We get the feeling that Agent Wallace isn't all that disappointed t be breaking this news to Cowan, who follows behind him as he walks. WALLACE Sorry, Cowan, I found out literally just before the ceremony.' Apparently you're to report for further review. COWAN Further... what are you talking about, air? That makes no sense-- I hold three cadet class records-- WALLACE Actually, it didn't come from me. Wallace stops. 'Smiles for a photo with a couple of cadets. Cowan doesn't bother to bother about the fact that he's in the photo. He's clearly frustrated, and, like a bronco in a stall, he's finding it hard to keep from bursting out. COWAN Bull... loney- Sir. (off Wallace's look) I'm sorry. Sir, I'm sorry. Sir. (as Wallace resumes walking) I just, I find it hard to believe that it didn't come from you. I mean, everything here comes from you. WALLACE Well this didn't. COWAN Then where did it-- ? Sir. Forgive me, but it makes no sense. worked my ass off to grad-- Wallace, reaching the end of the grass (and the end of his rope), turns to Cowan. WALLACE Look. I don't know why. I could guess, however. Maybe it's your attitude. Or that you're not even close to a team player. Or that you always seen to think you know more than your supervisors. COWAN Actually, sir-- WALLACE Cowan. Do you ever think that maybe, just maybe, other people might be right and you might be wrong? COWAN All the time, sir. WALLACE You do? COWAN Yes, air. But I'm usually wrong. Sir. Wallace looks at him. Even if he could try and understand, Wallace just shakes his head and walks away. It's out of his hands, anyway. Cowan is left standing there, watching his supervisor walk away in front of him while his classmates celebrate behind him. CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON D. C. STREETS DAY A taxi pulls away and Cowan stands with the now-opened envelope and a piece of paper in his hand. He looks at an address on the paper, then looks up, puzzled, at the building in front of his. It says: "UNITED STATES IMMIGRATION AND NATURALIZATION SERVICE". INT. LOBBY - INS BUILDING Cowan speaks to a Receptionist. COWAN I think some computer screwed up or something, cause-- VOICE (echoing across lobby) You're in the right place. Cowan turns. Standing across the lobby is ZED. He's a career GMan. An old school bureaucrat or, at least, that's how he appear: on first glance. And WE CUT TO: WALKING THE LABYRINTH CORRIDORS OF THE INS BUILDING Cowan walks alongside Zed. They pass hallway after hallway of government offices, heading into the remote bowels of the building. Rather than get fancier, everything gets more and more plain. We sense from Cowan's attitude that he's trying hard to be positive COWAN ... think that maybe my supervisors referred me here because of certain issues which I assure you I have spent a good deal of time working very hard to correct-- ZED Your supervisors have no idea why you're here. COWAN They don't? ZED They don't. Now, son. If you get the job, you're going to be working with some very particular people who like to do things in some very particular ways. Here's a little piece of advice: (referring to Cowan's mouth) Don't use this so much. He reaches and opens a door which is very plainly marked "US INS, Special Services," and enters, leaving Cowan outside the door to hesitates beat before asking: COWAN Excuse me. If I get what job? CUT TO: 7 OF THE HOTTEST YOUNG RECRUITS IN THE COUNTRY Sitting at metal desks in a room SO plain it could be anywhere. Just 7 people (including Cowan), all ears, all somewhat confused, all listening intently as Zed sits before them, on a folding chair. ZED You're here cause you're the best of the best. FBI, CIA, Secret Service, Navy SEALS, Marines, Air Force, Army. And we're looking for the best of the best of the best. What will follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor skills, hand-eye coordination, concentration and focus, stamina... I see we have a question. Cowan's hand is, indeed, up. COWAN Why, uh... I'm sorry, cause no one really asked this but... why, exactly, are we doing this? There's a slight beat of silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls on him. ZED Son? EAGER YOUNG RECRUIT (loud and formal) Jake Jensen, FBI Academy, graduate with honors. We're looking for the best of the best of the best, air! Cowan laughs. Tries to stifle it. But can't. ZED What's so funny, cadet Cowan? COWAN I... I don't know, air. This guy. Mr. "Best of the best of the best... " I don't know. (realizing nobody in with him on this) It's just still find it a little... (totally serious) humorous. I'm sorry. Sir. Short pause. The Zed continues. ZED ... Okay, then. The test. Standard stuff-- written, oral, physical. Just do your best. Dave? A clipboard-carrying, nondescript office functionary type, DAVE, holds the exit door open. DAVE Follow me, please. INT. TESTING ROOM - A SHORT WHILE LATER SERIES OF SHOTS - THE WRITTEN TEST It's a thick document-- reasoning skills, general knowledge, diagrams; like an SAT. People seem to be really powering through it, filling things in left and right, filling in answer after answer. Some are almost done. Cowan, on the other hand, is really struggling. CLOSE ON HIS TEST He's only filled in a portion of the answers, and, in some places, he's left entire pages blank. Then, on one particular question (the one he is working an right now), he's been writing and writing and writing-- down the page, up the side, around the back. He checks someone else's page-- they answered it in three words. THE CLOCK ticks away. The last two Recruits finish, closing their booklets proudly. This makes-- COWAN Even more nervous. He looks at his test: he's answered less than 20% of the questions. He sees a face obscurred behind the glass, staring, unemotional. Then that face disappears and the door opens and KAY enters the room. And just walks up to him and takes the test away. And WE CUT TO: INT. SMALL EXAMINING ROOM - A MOMENT LATER - MORE QUICK SHOTS As one recruit after another says a variation on the same thing: FBI RECRUIT No, air. None at all. CUT TO: CIA RECRUIT None, sir. CUT TO: MARINE RECRUIT None. CUT TO: NAVY SEAL RECRUIT Not at all. Never. AND THEN CUT TO: COWAN ... Uh... could you repeat the question, sir? REVERSE ANGLE Zed sits across a desk from him. He holds a PORTFOLIO in his hand. ZED The question was... do you now-- or have you ever-- experienced self doubts, insecurities, or anxieties which make it difficult for you to function in a normal routine? COWAN Well... you know, when you say "normal," what, exactly... ZED For instance... (reads from the portfolio) It says here you lost your parents at 15, and, since then... COWAN Sir. I thought those records were sealed. ZED (as if to say "you should know better") We're the government, Cowan. Cowan pauses. Nods. Then just hangs his head. And WE CUT TO: A SHOOTING GALLERY In line behind a barricade are the 7 recruits-to-be, all standing with a gun. Dave speaks to the group. DAVE When I pull the curtain, the enemy will make itself known. You are allowed one shot. Use it wisely. Ready? All 7 nod yes. Cowan takes a breath. Dave pulls a curtain... DAVE ... quickly revealing: THE TARGETS which are an amazing array of colors, lights and movement-- a holographic swirl of alienesque SHAPES and CHARACTERS unlike anything we've seen. In less than 2 seconds over 25 figures move simultaneously. Humans. Aliens. In, out, in circles... And... also within 2 seconds: SIX SHOTS are fired at once. And then, only an eighth of a second later, A SECOND SHOT is fired. And everyone sort of looks at Cowan, who puts his gun down last. There's an awkward silence. Then the door opens. Light pours in. And through the light comes Kay. Even the highly competitive cadets can't help but feel some sympathy as Kay walks straight to Cowan, who lowers his eyes. KAY The hell happened? COWAN Hesitated, sir. KAY I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your choice of targets. Kay motions to the gallery. Most prevalent in the frozen table of creatures is a lunging, snarling beast, which is about to attack a man with a briefcase. There are six bullet holes in its chest. Kay then motions to the back corner of the gallery, where there is one bullet hole in an eight year old girl carrying school books. KAY You shot an eight year old girl. COWAN Uh... yes. Apparently I did, air. KAY The hell were you thinking? COWAN Well, I dunno. I mean, when you looked at all the other options... it just seemed sorta obvious. KAY Obvious? Why don't you and I have a little talk about the obvious... outside. Kay indicates the door. The door which Zed now holds open. Sideways glances dart from the other recruits as a sheepish Cowan is lead to the door by Kay. KAY First of all I it's obvious to me that you don't belong in this group of highly trained men and women... Zed enters, and as Cowan-is led out, he hears Zed, behind him, speaking to the others: ZED You're everything we've come to expect from the finest of our nation's finest. What do you say we move on? IN THE INS OFFICE - CONTINUING Cowan follows Kay toward a door marked "EXIT." COWAN Sir, before you boot me, I just want to explain. I mean, okay, you got a goat-guy with a hook for a head... KAY Cowan-- COWAN Wait. Uh-- sir. Please. Anyway. Hook-head-guy. I'm thinking "how can he think with a hook for a head?" Answer: that's not his head. Then I think-- KAY Cowan-- COWAN of course not, cause his head is that thing way on the other side of the road, cause, if you looked at it, the entire sidewalk full of stuff was actually ONE GUY and-- KAY Cowan-- will you shut your god damed mouth? Pause. Cowan's silent. Then he quickly says: COWAN Anyway-the-girls-books-were-way-too advanced-for-an-eight-year-old-and she-was-the-only-one-who-appeared-to have-a-motive. Another pause. Kay looks at him. Then rolls his eyes and walks away. Cowan pursues. COWAN What? IN THE BACKGROUND, Through a window, we see the 6 other recruits, in another room, lined against a wall. Zed pulls out a neuralyser. BACK WITH COWAN AND KAY - UNDER THE "EXIT" SIGN COWAN Look, air, I'm sorry. I realize you've made your decision. but I really wanted this job. KAY You don't even know what it is yet. COWAN Yes. That's true. Actually, at this point, I just want A job. Wait. What do you mean... yet? KAY (turns) It means I know you think you got a beat on things. But trust me, you don't. You don't even have an inkling of a hint of a clue as to what's really going on in the world. (as Cowan tries to speak) And if you want to find out even a little, you'll shut up and come with me. And if you don't, fine. Go with them. Cause I'm not interested in breaking in another little hot-shot only to have him wig or die on me just when I'm starting to count on him. So forgive me if you don't exactly hear me ringing little bells and whistling welcome aboard, but this isn't the Love Boat. And I'm not Captain Fucking Stubing. Now I'm sorry. But this has been one long, bad day. In the background, we see a FLASH. Then Zed ushers the other recruits toward a distant door. Cowan turns back to Kay. COWAN So... this door. It's... not an exit... ? KAY It's not even a fucking door. Cowan looks at Kay. Looks around the room. Looks back at Kay... Who then reaches to a spot on the wall next to the door, and pulls the wall open. Cowan hesitates... then steps inside. And is suddenly face to face with a large, big-eyed, big-mouthed PURPLE CREATURE carrying office supplies, who turns and says-- LARGE PURPLE CREATURE Welcome. --before moving out of the way and revealing: A HUGE, AMAZINGLY HIGH-TECH, 10000 SQUARE FOOT OFFICE sleek, clean, and so simple it's scary; with small titanium keypads on clean white desks, as if the "brains" are all on (very large) chips stored behind the (very clean) walls. There's also a nearby: STORAGE AREA -- with confiscated weapons, odd vehicles, artifacts. About two dozen human employees go-about their business-- filing, typing, tracking... There's a casual, matter-of-fact, typical office feel to the place. The humans are joined by another dozen alien employees of all sizes colors, and gravitational predilections. There's a Ogofer"-- an officious rodenty human-like assistant who literally runs around on the ceiling. One apparent "secretary" consists of seven kulti-size hovering spheres which busy themselves at a cubicle. COWAN Holy shit. Cowan crosses a table by the storage area on which the "gofer" has just placed several odd-shaped little rings. KAY Listen, I wouldn't... Cowan picks one up-- and is suddenly YANKED like a hooked fish UP THE CEILING, where he spins like a deflating balloon and then drops with a thud to the floor. Using tongs, Ray takes it. KAY (CONTINUING) ...touch that. COWAN What the hell... KAY Kids' game a couple galaxies over. COWAN I guess I lost: KAY You got smeared. Suddenly Zed appears above Cowan. Offers a hand. Helps him up. ZED You're a god damn fruitcake of an oddball. You're incredibly raw. You're not even all that bright-except in odd pockets. But fortunately for us, those are the pockets we're looking for. So whattya say? Shall we show you around? CUT TO: THE UNIVERSE Planets suspended in dark orbit. Distant stars... ZED (O.S.) The universe. We're here. Suddenly ZED WALKS INTO FRAME... followed by Cowan and Kay. They are walking through a 3-D HOLOGRAPHIC MODEL OF THE UNIVERSE, with lighted red dots all over it (representing aliens' locations) ZED (CONTINUING) Around World War Two, a few of us talked the administration into chartering a branch of the INS to look after aliens. Everyone thought we were nuts. Except the aliens. They stop at-- THE OFFICE "WATERING HOLE' - CONTINUOUS There are all sorts of odd employee-oriented APPLIANCES. Zed pours coffee. As Zed walks Cowan through, Kay moves in and out of the conversation; mostly he is busy signing papers, okaying things assistants are showing him, etc. ZED (CONTINUING) They contacted us, told us we could have a trial run. We made a deal- they give us information, technology, we'll let them use the planet. One rule-- they insist upon it from us, and we insist upon it from them: no one must know. During the above, the "gopher" stops for coffee. Though his feet are on the ceiling, his head is at exactly the same level as theirs-- it's just upside down. He's not noticed except by darting glances from Cowan as he mixes creme, sugar, and some fluorescent orange substance into it, then heads back to work. ZED So at any given time we could have four, five hundred of em hanging around. We have exiled kings, vagrants, truckers, vacationers, creatures aid-migration. Most are decent folks, just minding their business. our job is to keep an eye on am. Cowan darts one more glance at the holographic universe as Zed hand him his coffee and they come upon: AN ALIEN CREATURE - "FOUR HUNDRED FORTY-FOUR EYES" Sitting at a desk before a wall which houses hundreds of tiny video surveillance screens. And this bony, grey creature has an eye focused on the screen. They jut from a pinny head like a wildly overgrown shock of hair. 444-Eyes controls each image by the very rapid movements of three thin fingers on a simple keypad. WIDER SHOT - CONTINUOUS The three men step up behind 444-Eyes, conversation continuing. ZED With the help of Sector 7 occulo gicals like 444 -Eyes here - 4Eyes for short. Though most all of 444-Eyes' eyes are on the hundreds of screens,-a dozen or so eyes hook around and scope Cowan out. ZED You got over ten eyes... I think she likes you. 444-Eyes' eyes return to the screen, and she patters away. The screens unify and we see live images of things that-are going on as we speak. We should get the notion that aliens who look different are in spots where they can't be seen. Aliens who look human are functioning right out in public. Some of the aliens we see are: An abominable snowman in a cave. A troll under a bridge. A human-looking alien in a laundromat (one of those people you see doing odd laundry at odd hours). A human-looking alien (selling make-up at Penney's). Bigfoot. The Loch Ness Monster. All this is flashing by during: ZED In order to land here, you have to be a signatory of the treaty. And the rules are simple: remain unseen, or blend in. Mistakes have cost us dearly. (re screen) Roswell, 1947. Stonehenge. The Pyramids. Crop circles. Lines of Nazca-- (to Kay, whols off unloading a couple weapons) That reminds me, I gotta bring Ella down from Anchorage. (back to the screen) Bigfoot. He leaves a footprint, once, it's been a crew in our side ever since. It's why we had to start those damn tabloid rags. lets the pressure out a little, gives them a way to communicate with each other. Cowan looks at a typical "National 'Enquirer' type paper. Headline "Man as Fat as own House." Kay sets a couple weapons on a desk. KAY We have one motto: Peace on Earth. COWAN And Goodwill Toward Man? KAY No. just peace on Earth. COWAN I gotta be honest about something. ZED You think we're nuts. COWAN No-- it makes sense. Cause I gotta tell ya, when I was in third grade they told me I was crazy cause I swore that our teacher was from, like, Venus or something. ZED Mrs. Edelson? Cowan, stunned, looks at Zed as 4-Eyes boots her onto the screen: Mean face, cat glasses. Bony fingers. Extremely well hidden tail. KAY Jupiter, actually. well, one of the moons. ZED So whattya say, kid? You in or out? Cowan looks around. The staff. The equipment. COWAN Once I thought the biggest thing I'll ever do was guard the president. KAY Oh, you'll still, be guarding him. ZED Only the damn guy won't know it. COWAN What happens if I say no? KAY It's easy. You work your way up the secret service, one day stand with the President, meet the most important people on the planet, fulfill your dreams, live happily ever after. COWAN And if I say yes? KAY Lose your name and identity, work endless hours an behalf people who don't know you exist, and abandon any hope that you might one day feel even the slightest bit sure of your place in the universe. Cowan looks around one more time. By now everyone in the office has gathered behind Zed and Kay and are waiting for Cowan's answer. Cowan looks at them. Looks back at Zed and Kay... and nods. COWAN Sir. I've never had a clue as to where I fit in anyway... The staff then jumps to work. Several assistants immediately arrive with things they hand to Kay and Zed. ZED From now on, you'll respond only to the name "Jay." You'll dress in appropriate attire specially sanctioned by the INS Special Services. You're not to stand out in any way. Understand? COWAN Yes, sir. Zed hands Cowan a thick booklet. A few other items. ZED Read this. Come to work tomorrow. We'll see you then. Cowan looks around. one last time. And WE CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - GEORGETOWN - NIGHT Cowan, carrying his Men in Black information in a sack, walks through the dense Friday night crowd on M street. He walks slowly Taking in the world... He is surrounded by a swirl of humanity. CUT TO: INT. ZED'S OFFICE - SAME CLOSE ON COMPUTER SCREEN-- we see Cowan's birth certificate, driver's licence, social security card, library card... everything ZED AND DAVE are operating a computer. ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN Is the full name-- JAMES DARRYL COWAN III. Then Zed Punches A couple of keys, and the cursor begins to sweep from right to left, beginning to eliminating the right-most letters of Cowan's name... ZED Well... it looks like James D. Cowan the Third... EXT. GEORGETOWN STREET - SAME Cowan wanders toward a coffee house called "NITE OWL." Sits at an outside table amidst the throngs of Georgetown's M Street. He pull a pile of US INS Special Services information from his bag. AT THE OFFICE - SAME CLOSE ON COMPUTER SCREEN It says "JAMES " Then "JAM"... ZED (CONTINUES) ... is no longer with us. And then, finally, all that's left on the screen is the letter "J", Zed punches "save." And we CUT BACK TO: EXT. NITEOWL COFFEE HOUSE - GEORGETOWN - N STREET - NIGHT Cowan-- or, rather, JAY-- looks at a leather-bound book entitled "Active on Earth." He opens it. It's monogrammed, simply, with the letter J. Jay looks through the book. He sees strange photos of aliens, along with descriptive information. Next to the aliens' photos are their corresponding human identities. And more information. He looks at few. Then looks up. All around him, the people swarm and move. And, oddly, everything seems to have a deeper perspective. Jay looks closely at the world around him. Could any of these people be aliens? Could it be... ... The bag lady? The exceedingly friendly frat boy? The goatee, tatooed, body-pierced 90'S guy? -The improbably-dressed european tourist? The goofy geek? A cute waitress sets down a cappucino. Hands him his approved credit card receipts Jay looks at it, then looks at his "Carte Noire" and shakes his head, impressed. WAITRESS What you reading? JAY Oh, it's, um... You know, Psycho-lunatic alien conspiracy junk. She nods. 'Whatever. She's used to all sorts in her coffee house. WAITRESS Well, enjoy. If You need anything else, my name's Cynthia. (starts away, then starts back) Oh, this might be a weird question, but: do You think this skirt shows too much leg? JAY Huh? Oh, well, I dunno. I guess not. WAITRESS Okay. Thanks. She smiles and heads off. He shakes his head, then turns back to his book. Flips a few more pages. Sees the "Man as Fat as own House." Sees the alien that used to be Mikey. Sees a photo of the Waitress, Cynthia. Does a double-take. Turns. Spots Cynthia across the crowded coffee house. This time he looks closer and glimpses a brief flash of what no one else notices: The waitress actually has three legs. By the time it registers with Jay, the waitress Cynthia is already off across the floor, serving iced decaf mocha lattes to a table of clueless pseudointellectuals... and on Jay, sitting under the "stars- on-black-sky" sign of the Mite-Owl Coffee House... WE CUT To EXT. DEEP SPACE The POV SHOT. Again. COMING CLOSER. Still Approaching a galaxy Maybe even OUR galaxy. We see what may be PLUTO... and WE CUT TO: EARLY MORNING - INT. LOCKER ROOM The Men in Black locker room feels more like a hall or raze, or a museum. This is because most of the "Men" are no longer around. But the lockers all show signs of years of use-- lines and marks an stickers and colors and gifts... and letters... and locks. DEE, fully dressed, is sitting in front of his locker. It's filled with mementos and gifts and is redolent of years of use. He is jus sitting there. Staring. staring at: Jay, who sits on the other side of the room, in front of a looker only the letter "J" adorns its clean door looks at DEE. JAY Any... I dunno, words of advice or anything'? Dee just looks at Jay. What can he say? All the years. All the experiences. He thinks for a while. Then just stands. Walks over to Jay. Pats him on the shoulder. Nods. DEE Lean into it. And walks out. Jay watches him go. Then turns. Opens his locker. Inside hangs a simple dark suit. Nothing flashy. Nothing stylish. He pulls it off the hanger. Looks at it. Meanwhile-- INT. INS OFFICE - SPECIAL SERVICE WING - MORNING SAME 7 A.M. It's the morning briefing. Around the room are: Zed, at the head, on a folding chair with a clipboard. Kay sips coffee. There are a handful of aliens in the room as well: 7 Spheres, the upside-down Gopher guy, 4-Eyes, the purple creature.. And there are 5 tv monitors also in the room. On each monitor is another INS Special Services Agent. Different "Men in Black" in different parts of the country and the world. It's in odd combination of high-tech and low-tech. Jay enters the room, now wearing the suit. He comes in, sits next to Kay. JAY (SOTTO) Nice threads. What, were they having a sale at C&R? Kay says nothing. Jay gets the message. He mimes "zipping his mouth shut" as Zed is speaking to the group. ZED Ella... welcome back to-the lower 48. ELIE, a female INS Agent on one of the monitors, nods. ZED (CONTINUING) I brought Ella down from Anchorage last night. She's out in Colorado. We've got a flurry in the general area. We've lost Mikey-- remember him?-- We've got one on the move somewhere in northwest (more) Texas at the moment. Keep us abreast of anything unusual-- departure permits, relocation papers... ELLE You got it. ZED And finally. Everybody, meet Jay. Associate agent. Around the room and on all 5 live feed tv monitors are various adlib "hellos" and "welcomes," etc. ZED Let's hope he lasts. Kay. We got a researcher in Maryland, discovered a new life form.. Be an easy one for our young friend. He hands a tear-out to Kay. Zed then speaks to the group. ZED Everybody, listen up: we've had a tremendous amount of movement lately. Be aware. Be safe. Have a good day. (then, calling) Oh, uh... Cowan? COWAN Yes, air? -- OOOMPH. Suddenly there's a blur and a dazed man arrives/appears and thrusts a small pack into his gut. It takes a second for the Hat Doplaresque trail to disappear and for him to "adjust.* After regaining equilibrium, he nods to Cowan with the tousled look of one who just got off the world's most amazing roller coaster. It Dave's-- the guy who ran the test. Only now we're seeing him in full form. He speaks as he looks: fast and frazzled. DAVE Whooooo-boy. Nice to see you again. Didn't have a chance to say congrats. So: congrats. Welcome aboard. (then, as if suddenly remembering something) Damn Where's my head? (taking it off, "looking at it," then putting it back) There it is, God damn it! Nice to meet you. My name is... (Dave utters something sounding like a cross between a foghorn and a belch) But you can call me Dave. And just as quickly, he dissappears. It all happened so fast, Cowen is just left standing there, holding the pile of stuff. ZED Hell of an assistant, isn't he? Damn guy moves so fast, he actually gets there before you even ask for him. COWAN Sorta literally gets ahead of himself. ZED Hang on. -- And this is the good part; when you're fully ordained, he'll come when you call him, too. (then) Dave. Suddenly Dave appears. Again. (only, as we will understand later this is actually his first arrival). He arrives slightly off kilter, and takes a brief second to "adjust." DAVE Sir. ZED Hand associate agent Cowan here what he needs to get started. ID card, carte Noire, information. DAVE Yes. Right. Got it. okay, then. I'll see ya. ZED And don't forget to introduce yourself. DAVE Right. Right. Will do. Bye now. And Dave dissappears. Cowan is left baffled. He looks down at the pile of stuff Dave left a second ago: ID card (with photo), dark, metallic credit card-looking thing (the Carte Noire) ... COWAN So... wait. You just asked... but he goes so fast, he actually brought what you asked for before you asked for it. ZED His physics are a little different than ours. Don't worry COWAN It'll make sense later? ZED No. But You'll get used to it. (then, extending a hand) Welcome to the Men in Black. Cowan shakes Zed's hand- Then Cowan looks down at his ID card. It reads "US INS - SPECIAL SERVICES, DO NOT DETAIN THIS MAN, AGENT J" and WE CUT TO: INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE - SHORTLY THEREAFTER Kay walks Jay along the row of plain-wrapped government issue vehicles. Kay is studying the tear-out Zed had given him. JAY So I read through the manual and stuff. Shit we do-- err, well, you guys do. One question: why are we called Men in Black? Kay is silent, checking his key against the proper stall. JAY (CONTINUES) Well, how about if I guess, then? Black: Vast space. Deep. Spiritual. The essence of infinity. KAY We wear black. JAY Oh. Right. I guess that's kind of cool, too, in it's own way. Course, this isn't really black; it's kind of a dull, dirty, tarry sort of noncolor, isn't it? Kay leads Jay toward a powder blue 2986 Ford LTD. The boxiest, most plain-looking vehicle imaginable. KAY The point is to not call attention to ourselves. JAY I understand. Hey, it works for the Hasids, right? No one recognizes them. Jay looks at Kay, anticipating a response to his Joke. Kay's response? He's already in the car. Jay nods. Opens his door. INT. THE FORD LTD - CONTINUOUS Jay slides in as Kay starts the engine, backs the car up. JAY So... what's this amazing new creature thing we're gonna check out? Kay slides the heat to Jay. It's actually a torn section of the WEEKLY GALAXY newspaper. On it is a photo of a tiny INSECT. JAY It's a bug. KAY Right. JAY But not a BUG bug-- it's an insect. The car moves through the garage, toward a hanging gas pump where a MAN in grease-stained coveralls turns as they pull up. KAY Fillerup, Stanley, and check under the hood while you're at it. MAN IN COVERALLS (STANLEY) You got it, Mr. Kay. The man in coveralls gets to work. As he moves away from us, we see a slight hint of his other-worldly origins: he is actually suspended from the ceiling by one of the hanging hoses. JAY So... lemme get this straight. We got the use of all sorts of technology from all sorts of other planets. We got information no one else in the world is privy to. And we're in a 1986 Ford LTD about to go look at an insect? KAY So what's the problem? JAY Well, first of all... I gotta think we could still blend in pretty nice in a Ferrari Testerrosa. I mean, there is a lot of `em on the street these days, and... uh... Jay stops as Stanley-- instead of lifting the hood lifts the entire shell of the car, revealing: Under that shell, the car is all engine, from the front bumper to the back. And Jay and Kay are sitting in seats in the center of it. KAY Rule number one in our line of work: nothing's ever what it seems. Ever. A MOMENT LATER jay's head rocks back as Kay steps on the gas and we CUT To- EXT. SUDBURY COLLEGE - VIRGINIA - DAY There's a statue of a famous Civil War hero in the center of the quad of this small southeastern college. Some students are sitting on it, strumming guitars as Kay and Jay exit the LTD in their conservative attire. Kay looks around at the idealism, the innocence. The cut-offs and the colors. Jay looks at the clothes people wear. He sidles up to Kay as they pass through. JAY Christ, in this outfit I feel like I should be lecturing in some black and white film about V.D. (waving to a group on lawn, in a "square" voice) Hi kids. "Just say no!" Kay doesn't smile. Jay points to a guy in go's grunge attire: tot jeans, tie-dyed shirt, hat backwards, goatee, earrings, etc. JAY I tell you, if we really wanted to bland in, that'd what we'd be wearing. I think it'd be a good look for you, too. I'll even help you choose a tattoo. KAY It's the way we do it. The way we've always done it. JAY I know, but we're on a college campus... KAY This is a college? I'm sorry, I thought it was a carnival. Before them, a guy does a cartwheel and then catches a frisbee. INT. SUDBURY COLLEGE - SCIENCE DEPT HALLWAY They walk down a hallway, passing an open door to a classroom, in which We can hear a professor teaching a freshman class. PROFESSOR physics explains what the world is. Hard and true. Science. The Professor's voice fades as they pass. Kay just shakes his head KAY I was right. It is a carnival. They approach a door marked DR L. WEAVER, OMMOL40GY. Kay knocks. JAY Boy, you gotta wonder what kind of crusty old geezer'd wanna spend his time around insects all day... The doorknob turns and-- An attractive woman, (LAUREL WEAVER) opens the door in deep concentration. Her manner is at once extremely scattered and remarkably focused, and she looks at then with the eyes of someone who's been working hard for a long time. LAUREL Can you hold on a second? I'm just in the middle of a... Her voice trails off as she turns away from them and returns across her remarkably cluttered office to her wildly paper-strewn desk. Jay just looks at her, his mouth literally dropping open. Kay turns to him, puts his finger under Jay's chin and lifts Jay's mouth shut. KAY For future reference, its how you're the most appealing. laurel finishes jotting something down on a notepad, then starts t get up. Then she stops, remembering something else. She writes a few more things. Grabs a book from a pile, begins... reading. After a moment, it becomes clear that Laurel has completely forgotten about them. Jay clears his throat. JAY Uh... Dr. Weaver? LAUREL Oh! Oh, God! I'm so sorry. (turns, crosses to them) I've been just ensconced in my... Kay removes from his wallet a little black credit card with the words 'CARTE NOIRE" on it. Instantly, we see it transform into a BUSINESS CARD with the words "Scientific American" on it. KAY We're from Scientific American. We read about your discovery. We'd like to take a look. LAUREL Scientific American? Really? He shows her the card. She goes to take it-- but he takes it back. KAY Sorry-- it's my last one. she widens the door and steps inside. They follow her through a two- room office which is filled with specimen jars, diagrams, maps, papers, books, nets, cages... LAUREL I wasn't expecting guests. Lucky I just cleaned up. The Men look around-- is this just cleaned up? Jay passes by a diagram of an insect nest, looks at it closely as they continue in. Laurel grabs a carefully placed jar, crosses to her desk. JAY So, I guess you could say you're really into insects... LAUREL Actually, they disgust me. But that's what I love about them. Like a car wrack, you know, how you shouldn't look, but you always pull over and watch real close, or even pretend you're a reporter so you can get even closer and take pictures? She places the jar on the desk. LAUREL (CONTINUING) Or when someone has a hideous birthmark and all you do is stare. I really like that. Let the other girls have the guys like you. Chiseled jaw, perfect nose, quirky dimples. I find you all so boring. JAY I'd prefer if you were just a little more blunt. She opens the jar and begins to coax an INSECT out of it. LAUREL Come on little fella... That's another thing about insects. Talk about blunt. If a mantis wants to have sex, boom. None of this "whattya say we have dinner" garbage. Of course, afterward, she bites off his head. Then again, that would eliminate all that post-sex small talk... Sh, I don't know. Jay is looking at her, intrigued. Kay steps between them. KAY This it? LAUREL Yeah. Nov I know it looks normal, but watch this. It walks along the desk.- It looks, essentially, like a bug. LAUREL Okay. Now watch. She places a yellow post-it in the bug's path. As it walks over it we see it take on a slightly yellow tone. As it continues the post-it, it returns to its previous brownish, desk-colored tone. LAUREL I mean, I dunno. I've seen insects with really great camoflauge ability. But never like this. KAY May I have a look? Laurel switches on a VIEWING PLATE. Kay sits Looks closely. KAY'S POV. it looks, essentially, like a typical insect. Until il walks over the postage stamp Kay has set before it. It takes on the reddish/blue color of the stamp. He lets Jay look at it. KAY (SOTTO) Any thoughts? JAY (SOTTO) I think she's the alien. In any case, she's clearly spent my too much time alone in this room. KAY (SOTTO) Keep her out of here while I check it out. JAY (stands, turns to her) I'm, uh... real curious about your met up here. I see you have the, uh, double-office-type thing going here.. As Jay leads her into the other room, Kay removes what looks like a multi-lensed jewelor's scope from his coat. He rotates it, chooses a particular lens, and looks closer. KAY'S POV: When he magnifies it 100 times, notices ... Teeth. Tiny, but thousands of them. Kay pushes the magnification. ANOTHER ANGLE - THE OFFICE Jay has entered the OTHER ROOM. From this room, there is a view into the main room, where we can see Kay studying the insect. JAY Hmnn... yeah. It's cool, it's kinda like my office a little. Laurel turns to Jay, very skeptical. LAUREL So... how'd you hear about this? JAY Oh, yeah, well, you know. I'm a big fan. I've read all your work. LAUREL Yeah, right. Even I can barely read all my work. Jay glances at Kay, in the other room. Kay, speaking into his two way radio, motions keep stalling. KAY (SOTTO) ... recent landings within a hundred mile radius of Sudbury, Virginia? ZED'S VOICE (ON RADIO) Nothing. KAY Nothing at all? Now? Last month? Anything in the last few years? ZED'S VOICE (ON RADIO) Nope. Nothing at all. BACK WITH JAY AND LAUREL He's starting to shift uneasily . She's pressing him. LAUREL So... what of my stuff do you like the most? ZAY Well... um... a lot of the, uh... insect stuff, Mostly. LAUREL Parasitoid inveculates... JAY Right, right-- I like that stuff. LAUREL With exclusionary frecto-inhibitors? JAY Exactly. I very much enjoy that. LAUREL Do have any idea what I just said? JAY. ... Sure. Why? LAUREL Then you could clue me in, cause I haven't the foggiest. I made up each word. And Laurel walks right past him and into THE OTHER ROOM Where Kay has now scraped the bug off the slide and is placing it a tiny container. LAUREL Who are you, really? Kay stands, looks at her directly. Jay, stepping up behind her, can't believe it when he says: KAY We're with the immigration and Naturalization Service, Intergalactic Bureau. We monitor all-alien activity in and around Earth and its enveloping atmosphere. LAUREL (beat) Come again? Suddenly there's a WHOOOOOSH and Dave arrives/appears. He TAKES INSECT from Kay's hands and places it in a jar. DAVE Hoy there, Jay. Miya-- WWHOOAI You must be Dr Weaver. Here you go! Dave removes A DIFFERENT ZNSECT from a separate pouch and hands it to Laurel. DAVE (continued) This in an Andean Mollatoosa. Very rare. What the hell was it doing in Sudbury, Virginia? You tell me, you're the bug-ologist. Oh, shit, gotta go. --and he's gone. Laurel stands, stunned, as Kay says: KAY Dave. And suddenly Dave arrives/appears again, for the first time. DAVE Sir? KAY We need you to take a bug back to Zed, see if he can't help me find an origin for this. Oh, this is Dr. Weaver. See that we locate a comparable find that's actually this earth. We'll neuralyse her, tell her she discovered that instead. DAVE Yes, sir. I'll do it, damnit, and I'll see you soon. Jay? What's up? And he's GONE. Even Laurells rather unusual mind has difficulty accepting that which she just witnessed. LAUREL I really gotta stop eating that stuff from the field. Kay reaches into his pocket. Removes the neuralyser. Jay moves over toward Laurel. JAY Hey, uh, listen, while you're in this kind of a weakened state, maybe, I dunno, maybe you'd like to go get a cup of coffee some time or something? Excuse me-- LAUREL (to Jay) Hmnn... wall, it's funny, cause usually I'm not all that attracted to stupid guys, but-- KAY But, unfortunately, you're even less attracted to guys you've never seen before. JAY What are you--? Kay points the neuralyser in Laurells direction. There's a FLASH. And WE CUT TO: EXT. DEEP SPACE The POV, RUSHING THROUGH THE GALAXY. Passing over Pluto. Heading toward what would be Neptune... it's definitely our galaxy... and WE CUT TO: UNLIT NEON STARS ON A RUSTY METAL BACKDROP --It's a sign for the STARLIGHT DINER, a roadside dive past which the men in Black's Ford LTD is driving. KAY (V.0.) What's the difference? She still discovered something rare. It's just an Andean... whatever the hell, and not a... whatever... whatever the hell... INT. LTD - SAME Kay drives. Jay eats a burger in a foil wrapper. JAY I'm just saying it was cold. I think she kind of liked me. KAY She didn't even know you. . JAY I know, that's usually the only time I actually have a shot. And what if I wanted to see her again? I'd have to completely re-introduce myself. KAY Such a shame, too. Cause you made such a good impression the first time. JAY Hey, I was workin' her. I was workin' my thing. KAY Just so I understand... you're "thing" is... acting like an idiot? Or is it actually being an idiot? Besides-- JAY I know, I know. I read the manual. No attachments. We work alone. Blah. blah. KAY If you don't have anyone to tell, you won't tell anyone. Believe me, you get used to it. JAY I think you're too used to it. If you ask me, you've been doing this job too long. KAY You don't know the half of it. JAY What'd you do before this, anyway? Wait-- let me guess. Ice sculpture? Rock? KAY I taught kindergarten. JAY Ha ha. No, really. KAY It was a long time ago.- Suddenly there's a WHOOOOOOSH and some car passes them going at least three times their speed. KAY Everyone thinks it's the goddamn Milky Way. Kay hits the siren and steps on the gas. The LTD is quickly climbing to a speed of 100... 120... JAY Well, one thing's for sure. You could certainly lighten up. KAY (a serious question) Why? JAY Why? Well, it wouldn't hurt you to have a little more fun. I know I don't know you all that well, but-- KAY You don't know me at all. JAY Um-- Kay? Jay grabs onto the side of the seat. 160. 200. 245. The laws of physics start to press his head bara- JAY Kay, um... how, uh, fast does this thing actually go ... ? KAY Let's see... that was second gear..Kay shifts into THIRD. Jay winces. KAY You just let me know when you think I'm having enough fun. EXT. DESERTED ROAD /INT. PARKED POLICE CAR 2 cars ZOOOOOM by... WHOOSH-WHOOSH. The cop car literally rises and clunks down. The cops look at the speed gun: 600. He just throws the gun and WE CUT TO: EXT. FURTHER DOWN - SIDE OF DESERTED ROAD - A MOMENT LATER The LTD is parked at the side of the road, dust kicking up around tt tires. Kay gets out. Jay follows; They head toward: THE STATION WAGON which is pulled to the side ahead of them. It's loaded with suitcases and bags. And inside of it is A family -- father, mother, and covered baby in car seat. Kay and Jay approach the window. KAY Licence and registration, please. The Man hands Jay a typical licence and registration. Key looks at them. Nods. Hands them back. KAY Other licence and registration. The Man reaches into a different pocket. Pulls out a glowing red wallet and removes from it a glowing red id card. He hands it to Kay On it is a holographic image-- the kind which, when you turn it, it changes into a different image. Kay turns the ID. it goes from one image-- that of a (THE FATHER) -- to another image-- that of a RED-FACED ALIEN WITH SIX EYES AND FOUR EARS. Kay adjusts it back and forth a couple of times, then hands it back to the "father." KAY There you go Mr. K-109. Kay notices a map on the mother's lap. It's of the Western United states, with one state in particular circled. KAY What's in New Mexico that you're in such a hurry? MOTHER We're having dinner with our cousins. They're invertebrates. KAY See your relocation papers? The Father hands some papers to Kay, who looks, hands then back. KAY These haven't been authorized. MOTHER Yes. We were running late. We're going to fax then in when we arrive. Kay begins writing a ticket. KAY There's an outpost in Albuquerque. Ernie Goosels Extra-Tall Men's Shop downtown-- it's always open. Get them signed as soon as you arrive. They'll send it over to us. FATHER Yen, air. Thank you very such. Kay rips the ticket off his pad and hands it to the Father. KAY Speed limit out here's 55. 1 clocked you at just under 600. FATHER (signs ticket) I understand. Thank you. KAY Also-- (to baby in car seat) Keep him covered. The Mother looks behind her. The BABY'S blanket has slipped off, revealing a most hideous, red-faced, six-eyed. The Mother quickly covers it with the blanket, cooing and oggling as she does. MOTHER Here you go my beautiful little baby-waby... (to Kay) Thanks. KAY Drive safely. And Kay and Jay start away as the station wagon pulls out. KAY Amazing what a mother'll find beautiful. INT. LTD Kay gets in. So does Jay. Jay waits for Kay- to start the car, but he doesn't. Jay looks over at him. JAY What? KAY Something seem unusual to you about that? JAY Uh... you mean... a family of sixeyed, red-faced space creatures travelling to New Mexico to have dinner with their cousins, the invertebrates? Seemed pretty god damned ordinary to me. KAY If it was just a meal, why did they have so much luggage? JAY I dunno. Maybe it was baby supplies, Kay starts the car, starts to pull a U-turn. KAY Let's check am out. Suddenly his radio squawks and we hear Zed's voice. ZED Kay? What's your 20? KAY Highway 119, just west of Smith. Why? ZED I need you in Philadelphia. I got a code 90, in a-high school. KAY What the hell is going on? Instead of a U, they do a 360 and they pull out onto the highway and hit the siren. Kay accelerates. Jay's head is pressed back against the seat. JAY Code 90. I'm assuming that's... bad, right? CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM -A panicked swirl of people, running, yelling. Unable get out of the gym. A pep rally gone way bad. CUT BACK TO: INT. LTD - DRIVING QUICKLY KAY No. Code 100's bad. With code 90 there's still a chance of survivors. INT. GYM People claw at the locked doors. Pound. But the screaming's getting less and less-- not in volume, but in numbers. EXT. PARKING LOT - A FEW MINUTES LATER The LTD lurches in and screeches to a halt. Jay and Kay get out. Kay tosses Jay what looks like a small rifle with a large scope and an extremely finely crafted barrel. JAY what's this? KAY It's an Edna named after Zed's ex wife. All you do is at the target. The scope matches the image with the image on your retina. The barrel will find the target on its own. Jay looks through the scope. As he turns his eye, the barrel turns with it. JAY Wow. Kay grabs his. They slam the door and hear: silence. Absolute stillness and quiet coming from inside the gym. KAY Well, Mr. Intuition... When the neighbors report screaming and we hear nothing but silence, what does that lead you to believe? JAY I guess it's simple, huh? They're either gone... or dead. KAY Or someone has a nitrogenizer. JAY A what? They briskly approach the locked doors. Kay deftly pulls out his carte noire. Holds it to the key hole. Suddenly the card reforme in the shape of a key, and he inserts it. opens it. Revealing: INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - CONTINUOUS The Men enter and immediately stop in their tracks... KAY A nitrogenizer. ... for before them is a 400-person Motionless tableau of terror. That's right-- everyone who just a moment ago was running in panic, and screaming is now standing (or crawling up the bleachers or ly on the ground) absolutely still. People frozen while running to escape look like a 3-D snapshot of the beginning of a track Season. The entire football team is frozen in the center. As are cheerleaders and a burly coach. And hundreds of terrified students. All motionless. JAY Now what? KAY History's proven that where there's a nitrogenizer, there's a 12-legged signazoid. They use it to make our food digestible for their systems. They move slowly around the human wax museum of terror, searching. JAY Right. Well then, I guess we should look for the tell-tales signs of a 12 legged signazoid. Whatever those might be. I'm assuming we don't have a lot of time. KAY. Depends on whether you consider 45 seconds a lot or a little. JAY Could he have gotten out? KAY A signazoid's eleven thousand pounds. I think we'd know if held left. JAY Then wouldn't we also know if he's here? KAY Hold it. Suddenly they stop. Still. Because they can hear something. It sounds like whimpering. From a corner over by the very end of the bleachers. A corner where they see a 15 year old boy, crouched scared. His name is Leonard, and he wears a math club t-shirt. He holds what looks like a small, red, other-worldly fireplace stoker, with 2 handles, a scope, a bladder and a nozzle. JAY it's a kid. LEONARD Stop! Don't come any closer or I'll do it to you, too! The men stop, then continue to inch close and closer. KAY Listen to me. You're holding something very very dangerous. You've just iced 350 of your pals-- LEONARD They're not my pals-- KAY They're not even gonna be your enemie-a if you don't give that to me really soon. LEONARD What if I don't? KAY In about 10 seconds they're gonna start losing brain cells at the rate of about a million a minute. LEONARD (beat) Will it lower the curve? KAY I don't think it's a tradeoff you really want to make. Now give it to me-- I can reverse the effects if you give it to me now. LEONARD I wanna make a deal. KKY Fine. Here's our deal: give it now or you go stag to the Pluto prom. Kay lifts his Edna. The barrel instantly swirls and locks right at Leonard's head. He's not fooling around. KAY And since you're interested in math, answer this: Which is a greater loss-- three hundred fifty, or one? He cocks it. The kid, terrified, hands over the nitrogenizer. A MOMENT LATER people are starting to "thaw." Ever so slowly, movement can be seen. Kay and Jay press Leonard. KAY Where'd you get it? LEONARD Found it. KAY Tell us the truth. You don't just find these things, at least not in this neighborhood. LEONARD I promised I wouldn't tell. Kay grabs him. KAY You listen to me son. I take my promises very seriously. And we have a promise with some people about not letting things like this get into the public. And when I find whoever let this out, I'm going to leave a serious trail of damage. I'm willing to start my trail here... or wherever you got it. Your choice. There's a pause. People are starting to gain more movement-fingers, some hands and arms. Loeonard swallows hard. LEONARD I just wanted to scare em. So I go in to buy a starter's pistol-- you know, the kind they use at track meets that shoot blanks-- and this guy, he said if I really wanted to mess with with them, he had just the thing... KAY This guy. Where was he? LEONARD' I dunno. Some pawn shop. Downtown. KAY (stands) Son of a bitch. INT. CAR - DRIVING THROUGH DOWWTOWN - NIGHT Kay drives. Furious. KAY There's a treaty. There's a reason for it: nothing must leak into the public. Nothing. Rule 4. Why would he go and knowingly break the treaty? Kay pulls the car to the side of the road. EXT. DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA - VERY BAD PART OF TOWN NIGHT Jay follows Kay out. JAY He? Who's he? KAY He's a slimy little slithering scumwad is what he is. JAY There's gotta be a hundred pawn shops in downtown Philadelphia. I take it there's a reason we're going to this one. KAY There's a god damn good reason. JUST A WAYS DOWN THE STREET A really scummy guy (JACK JEEBS)-- bad skin, straggly hair, a limp-- is turning the "OPEN" sign in his pawn shop to "CLOSED" as Kay and Jay arrive at the door. Jeebs looks up and scowls. JEEBS Shit. Flatfoots. I'm closed! KAY Open up, Jeebs. Jeebs tries to force the door shut but Kay easily pushes it open. They follow Jeebs into-- INT. PAWN SHOP - CONTINUOUS A typical pawn shop-- stocked only with items we recognize as of this planet. Kay pushes Jeebs all-the way up to the counter. JEERS Hey! Kay! It's funny, I was just thinking about you. KAY What a coincidence, cause I was just thinking about you, too, Jack. (pulls out Nitrogenizer) Recognize this? JEEBS No. KAY Maybe you need a closer look. Kay whacks Jeebs across the face with it. Jeebs flies back through the counter. Jay winces as Jeeb's head slams against the wood. JEEBS Hey! What the hell are you doing? Kay grabs him and slugs him again-- and knocks Jeebs through a back door and into: A BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS Where Jeebs rolls with a thud onto the ground. Kay and Jay follow him. The room, unlike the front room, is filled with artifacts and items from all over the galaxy. An intergalactic pawn shop. KAY What the hell are you doing? Selling to a resident. To a kid, no less. JEEBS I didn't do it, Kay, I swear! Kay raises his fist again. Jeebs scrambles backward. JEEBS - I won't do it again! I promise! Kay grabs him, drags him to his feet. JEEBS The kid looked desperate. I figured... KAY You figured what? JEEBS I figured it didn't matter. It's my last day of business. (quickly-- as Kay's about to punch him again) I was wrong. I'm sorry. Hey, look what I got for you-- a free-floating plasma pad? --One of the good ones, too, with zoids. Jeebs grabs what looks like small BLOW DRYER from a shelf. He presses a button, and from the spout come dozens of cotton ball-like puffs, ..all of which stick to Jeebs and vibrate. clearly this gives jeebs tremendous pleasure. JEEBS Mmmmmm-hmnn. Fact, I can get one for your friend, too. Wanna try it? wait, hang on, just gimme one more minute... ooooh, yeah. God- Kay pulls it away from him, tosses it to Jay. Jay gets some of the puffs on him. KAY Your licence is revoked. Permanently. JEEBS I understand. I understand, thank you. --How about a transmographic dexahydrochlorophallomixaloosalyser? He tosses it to Jay. It looks like a yo-yo, but it works UP. Jay fiddles with it. KAY And I'm arranging deportation papers. JEEBS Yes. Yes, that's eminently fair of you. KAY And I'm bringing you in and locking you up until you tell me-- JEEES No!! No-- here-- how about a metrological de-memorizer? or an Andromedan Electrostatic Jismalografier? KAY Sorry, pal. You know the rules. Kay pulls out handcuffs. Jeebs suddenly starts CRYING. JEEBS No. Don't take me in. Please. Jeebs starts to back up. Jay, trying to help, grabs Jeebs. JAY Hold it, JeeeeEEEEEEAAH-- Suddenly Jeebs latches on Jay and shoots up into the air as they both blast through the shattering roof and are suddenly-- HOVERING ABOVE THE CITY OF PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT About 15 feet over the rooftop of Jeebs' pawn shop, where Jeebs, ears extend into Mary Poppins-like umbrella-wings. His hands and feet retreat into claws. And Jay suddenly finds himself holding onto Jeebs for dear life. Jeebs Rounds Jay. JEEBS Let go of me. But Jay tries to hold onto Jeebs' pants-- which rip. Flailing, Jay grabs Jeebs' leg... and the SKIN rips... revealing... A grimy, slimy, literally SLIPPERY under-leg... And, clutching the shed skin like it were a limp plastic bag... Jay suddenly finds himself falling back through the hole in the roof... JAY Shiiiiiiiiii..... AND INTO-- THE PAWN SHOP CONTINUOUS Where he lands with a dull, hard GRUNT on the concrete floor. JAY iiiiiiiit. Painfully, Jay looks up. Kay stands above him, holding his Edna trained on Jeebs, who, Mary-Poppins-like, floats back down into the room, now the slimy, big-eared, salalmander-skinned alien that he is KAY Let's go, Jeebs. Downtown. JEEBS You're not taking me in! Suddenly Jeebs reaches his arm down his own throat and, when it's about three feet down there, he pulls himself inside out by the spine. Of course, he's not a human, so what's left is an odd, alie mess of bones and skin and orange blood... Jay watches, stunned, as Jeebs' I lifeless form just falls ontc the cold floor next to him. KAY Something's wrong here. JAY (looking at all the gunk) Gee. You really think? KAY Jeebs is eager to have me deport him. But would rather kill himself than go downtown. Why? JAY I dunno. Why did that family need all their luggage for a dinner?. KAY Why did Mikey leave Nazca? JAY (noticing something) And what's this ... ? KAY What? Jay's noticed something sticking out of the pocket of Jeebs' jacket. which is all entwined with his other-worldly viscera. He reaches into the mess to pick it up. He wipes it off. JAY Looks like a train ticket. KAY Where to? There's a pause. Jay looks at Key. JAY New Mexico. EXT. DEEP SPACE The POV is RUSHING THROUGH OUR GALhXY... past NEPTUNE. Approaches... CUT TO: INT. INS OFFICE - SPECIAL SERVICES BUREAU CLOSE ON ZED As his eyes widen... ZED Holy shit... REVERSE ANGLE - HIS POV He is looking at his location indicator screen-- where there is a definite covergence of lights. All are blinking and heading toward New Mexico... ZED (calling) 4-Eyes? (beat) 4-Eyes? He turns. No one is in her seat. Zed grabs his radio. CUT TO: CUT TO: EXT. DESERT - NIGHT The LTD zooms into the New Mexico night. INTERCUT INT. CAR AND INT. OFFICE KAY 4-Eyes went AWOL? What about Dave? ZED He's gone, too. KAY What about the other agents? Ella? Tee? ZED Elle's up in Portland-- three of her charges left visibly at a Trailblazers game. Shots got a lot to mop up. Tee says his Shanghai quadrasectionals haven't been around since morning. Zed refers to a shattered glass jar in a room labelled "quarantine". ZED Even that little bug you found in Sudbury seems to have taken off. KAY Jesus, everyone's moving. Could be an assembly. Does it look aggressive? ZED Hard to tell. I hope not. KAY Keep an eye on things there. We'll see what we can find out at Ernie Goosels. Kay starts to pull the car off the highway and WE CUT TO: EXT. ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO --NIGHT A BEARDED MAN carrying a sandwich card which reads "THE END IS NEAR" babbles incessantly-- a complete raving lunatic. BEARDED MAN ... and a man with five heads... and long, skinny goat, only it wasn't a goat, it was a fish-goat, with wheels. WHERE YOU GOING, ROLLING FISH-GOAT? "The end is near,' he tells me... THE END IS REARI NEARBY Jay and Kay move through the crowded sidewalk... past the vagrants, drifters, lunatics, bums... and reach "EMIE GOOSE'S EXTRA-TALL MEN' STORE"... and find it closed. KAY Ernie's never gone. JAY Could he be sleeping? KAY. He sleeps five minutes every four hundred years. The men pound on the door. But there's definitely no one inside. JAY What's going on, Kay? KAY I don't want to rattle you, but Dee was here for the War of the Worlds. JAY The radio show? KAY No. The aliens organized, all of them, and tried a coup. They made it seem like a radio show afterwards. JAY You think that's what's-happening? KAY I think that's what's happening... They look around. Vagrants. Drifters. That LUNATIC. BEARDED MAN "AND THE DONKEY- TOLD ME THE END IS NEAR" People cross the street away from him. Everyone avoids this guy. Everyone, that is, except Jay and Kay... who walk right up to KAY What are you talking about? LUNATIC They were in wheelbarrows. And shopping carts. I saw a family of em in a station wagon. JAY A family in a station wagon? Red-faced? Six eyes and four ears' The Bearded Man looks at Jay-- and could practically KISS him. BEARDED MAN You saw then too! I'm not insane! KAY Where? BEARDED MAN The high place! THEY'RE UP IN THE HIGH PLACE! He POINTS. They see a mountain, way in the distance... CUT TO: EXT. ROAD OUT OF ALBUQUERQUE/INT. LTD - INTERCUT The Men in Black are roaring through the New Mexico desert, heading up a hill... toward a distant plateau... KAY The Plains of St. Augustine... the highest point on-the continental shelf... JAY Kay, I think I see something... THEIR POV - UP ON A HIGH DESERT PLATEAU Way in the distance can be seen all sorts of LIGHTS-- some flickering, others more static. Like some sort of GATHERING. EXT. DESERT FLOOR/INT. LTD - CONTINUOUS The roars through the dirt. As they get closer, the far-away fort begin to take shape. There's an aerie feel. JAY Holy shit... what the hell is this? THEIR POV: EXT. PLAINS OF ST. AUGUSTINE - NEW MEXICO - NIGHT Spread across the vast desert floor are all sorts of silhouetted figures huddled in the darkness... with campfires... near trailers. Hundreds of them, illuminated by the car's headlights. It looks like people waiting for the Rapture or something. Only the sihouettes aren't humans, they're aliens. INT. EXT. LTD - ON THE HIGH DESERT PLATEAU - CONTINUOUS The first thing which comes into View in that station wagon with suitcases -- the one they pulled over on the highway. The Family sits the hood of the parked wagon, huddled together, waving at Jay and Kay as they pass. FATHER Hello, officer. The Mother holds her little baby-- the hideous red-faced thing... MOTHER Look, sweetie, it's the nice man from the police car. JAY That's the family we pulled over earlier. They didn't react to us at all. They just waved. Kay pulls the car to a stop and EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS -- they get out of their car in the warm night air and look around. There is a very mysterious feel-- almost like Ellis Island. We see a ROLLING FISH-GOAT, and CYNTHIA (the waitress from Georgetown), a 10- foot tall KM with a huge nose and huge lips... KAY (recognizing creatures) Ernie Goose? Cynthia? JAY That's the Loch Ness Monster. And... Kay-- that's... 444-Eyes? In the distance is 444-Eyes, milling about with other aliens. Along with several others we may recognize from the office... KAY Dave? Where you going? Dave ooks at him. Calls from across the dark, eerie plain... DAVE My family-- I need to go back. KAY Why? Dave? SuddenlIy the aliens become still and the ground begins to stir. JAY Jesus... KAY Get back in the car! The ground begins to shake violently as Kay pulls Jay back toward-- The Shaking LTD Where Kay starts the engine and steps on the gas. Illuminated in the headlights as the LTD accelerates are hundreds of aliens-diving out of the way of the now-speeding car. JAY Jesus Christ... KAY We're rising. They are-- the HORIZON SEEMS To BE LIFTING into the air. EXT. DESERT - NIGHT - SAME - WIDE SHOT Sure enough, a football field size piece of desert is rising into the air, revealing it to be not dirt but a manta-ray-shaped organic craft-- flat and wide and black, with a long tail. And, in the last days of Saigon... it lifts all the aliens up. All except-- --Jay and Kay, in the LTD, which as the huge bat-ray-shaped creature/craft goes into warp speed and disappears into the night sky, and-- -- the car soars down to the dark deserted desert floor, where land with a loud, heavy thud and go skidding madly to a halt. Jay looks at Kay. Kay looks at Jay. And WE CUT TO: EXT. DEEP SPACE The POV. RUSHING PAST SATURN. HEADING TOWARD JUPITER- We ran now begin to,-see in the distance the small blue planet we know is Earth... and WE CUT TO: SEVERAL SHOTS - VARIOUS ALIEN ESTABLISHMENTS Ernie Goosels. Cynthials coffee house. Empty. Deserted. INT. INS BUILDING - RECEPTION Jay and Kay come wearily through. INT. SPECIAL SERVICES WING They enter the outer office. Bound through the "EXIT" door (the wall, actually) into -- THE BACK ROOM 40 To find it absolutely quiet and still. What was a buzzing, thriving workplace is now completely devoid of its alien staff. The HUKAN ASSISTANTS slouch, inert and quiet, as: AT THE FAR END OF THE BIG, WIDE ROOM is Zed, slumped in a chair, totally dejected, covered in notes, scraps of paper, pieces of information, completely overwhelmed. He sits next to Dee. They look like two old man on a park bench. ZED They're gone. KAY Dee? What are you doing here? A MOMENT LATER - AT 444-EYES' VIDEO COMPLEX Kay pushes keys. ON THE (SINGLE-IMAGE) SCREEN, the places where before we saw ALIENS (when Jay first came in) are all DESERTED. DEE I know their kids, I've played poker with `em. And they're all gone. JAY I'm just wondering what's so great out there that everyone's trying to get to it? ZED Or what's no horrible down here that everyone's trying to avoid It? JAY Why does it feel like the only thing scarier than having a bunch of aliens on the planet... is having then leave the planet? There is a pause. The whole room is silent. And then, suddenly... from way, way off... a tiny "BEEP" is heard. The 3-d holographic diagram of the universe is completely dark. No little red dots at all. But somewhere, something is still BEEPING. Jay turns. Points. JAY Uh, guys... FAR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, deep in a corner, up near the ceiling... is a tiny RED LIGHT. And it's moving quickly. Toward: THE HOLOGRAM OF THE UNIVERSE Where Kay and Jay and Zed are now standing. ZED Where's it headed? Get a line on it! KAY I'm getting a trajectory... ZED What do we have? Are we showing anything? Zed rushes to a little pad. Presses some buttons. KAY Where's it coming? Where's he landing? JAY (OFF SCREEN) The Pentagon. Zed and Kay turn their heads. ZED/KAY What?/Where? KAY How do you know that? JAY It's on TV. Sure enough, ON THE NEWS is a REPORTER, looking quite shocked himself. BERNIE SHAW (OR CNN) There are rumors - I repeat, rumors only-- that the Pentagon has been contected about a possible alien landing... (shakes head, looks off) You guys aren't ser... WIDER KAY, JAY AND ZED Are shocked. ZED It's on TV! They contacted the Pentagon? Kay looks at a computer screen. KAY They contacted everybody. On a computer screen is a list of names and figures. It says "CONTACTED: US AF. US ARMY. PENTAGON. SECRET SERVICE. ETC..." Names keep scrolling past. ZED They're calling it a peaceful arrival. They guarantee they're coming unarmed. KAY And they're buying it? ZED They went right to the President. KAY They went to the President? Directly? THEY WENT OVER OUR HEADS? The men look at each other. And WE CUT TO: EXT. DEEP SPACE The POV now RUSHES PAST JUPITER... AND MARS... and is starting to head directly toward the Earth... and WE CUT TO: EXT. PENTAGON - EARLY MORNING Already cordoned off for security, the pentagon is now surrounded with MILITARY. They not only surround the building, they are on tl roof as well, positioned to avoid any and all possible threat. NEAR THE OUTER PERIMETER Some military men come to the window of the Men in Black LTD. Kay shows his ID. They lot them pass. EXT. INTERIOR OF THE PENTAGON - A MOMENT LATER Around the place are thousands of military men with rifles. People are looking at locks, preparing themselves. Jay and Kay step up. Jay looks at his watch. JAY 58... 59... It's 5:45. All around them, people are aware that it's the time. We hear voices calling Out. Guns click in. NASA scientists aim cameras. But there's nothing. No activity at all. All eyes-- at least two thousand pairs of them-- are focused on the sky. JAY Kay-- check that out. Jay points to the ground - just below them. A tiny green sprout can be seen starting to poke its way out or the cement. Suddenly three more sprouts poke out of the ground. Then fifteen more. Then a thousand. After a moment we hear: DISTANT SOLDIERIS VOICE General! Some eyes turn. A distant soldier has spotted the same thing. Gradually eyes start to shift from the sky to the ground as-- ALL AROUND THE CENTER QUAD-OF THE PENTAGON Sprouts are popping throulh ... and they don't stay tiny for too long. Already some of them are two or three feet high. Voices start to call out, people are confused, fascinated. The sprouts grow higher. Confused soldiers don't know what to do with their guns. Suddenly water starts to trickle from a spot in the ground. And more sprouts grow around it. The original sprouts are now ten feet high. And growing. A flower blooms. More flowers. It becomes impossible to see across the cement, because the trees are now too high. People start to laugh To cheer. But Kay and Jay remain stoic. They look around some more. There's tremendous excitement brewing Trees are now thirty, forty feet high. And still growing. Some of the soldiers begin to move off the periphery and, led by their leaders, begin walking through the now-dense groan woods. Jay looks at Kay. They start in as well. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS People are moving over streams and rocks and lush, lavish natural floral gardens until they reach, in the middle of it all-- A GORGEOUS SUN-LIT MEADOW In the center of which is a crystaline glass space ship: sleek and simple, with glass wings, glass controls, a glass engine under a glass hood... just sitting there, reflecting in the sun. And before the ship, on a hammock, sipping water from the stream which trickles by beside him... is: AN EXTREMELY HANDSOME, VERY DISTINGUISHED LOOKING MAN Who smiles at the hundreds of curious men and women who begin to poke their way through the trees into the clearing. He acknowledges then all with a pleasant nod. As they get closer, he raises his water glass, and says, with all the irony of a man who knows exactly how the following sounds: MAN I guess what I'd really like to ask you people is... please... (smiles) Take me to your leader. And WE CUT TO: VARIOUS SHOTS - AROUND THE GlOBE On Tv's all over the world -- in homes, in stores, in bars-- the media jump on the rumors of extraterrestrial contact. We CUT between REPORTERS ON VARIOUS CHANNELS OF TV as it begins to build. REPORTER 07 Though no one will confirm it, the amazing thing is that no one is actually denying that the gathering in Washington DC around the Pentagon could actually be-- REPORTER #15 --not since the infamous "Roswell" incident of 1947-- REPORTER #4 - - rumors range from a failed terrorist attack to a visitation-get this! - from a being from outerspace-- All over the world, people gather and watch. Some are enthralled. Others are disbelieving. All are-at least intrigued. CUT TO: EXT. THE PENTAGON - DAY Where extremely tight security fights off the insistent throng of press, who badger and swarm around those they recognize... REPORTER #2 General! We understand that inside the Pentagon are twenty-five green men with antennae-- GENERAL (passing through) No comment. REPORTER 414 A huge, twelve foot robot-- SPOKESPERSON FOR PRESIDENT (as he muscles through) I have nothing to say. REPORTER #33 -- figures not dissimilar to ET, the Extraterrestrial-- UP AT THE DOOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY are inserting ID CARDS into a security slot by a guarded door. Kay and Jay-- who pass the press unnoticed (since nobody recognizes them)-- insert their Carte Noires. The light goes GREEN. They enter. And as one last clueless reporter speaks to a camera-- CLLTELESS REPORTER #16 -- where reporter happened to glimpse what I think was a sevenheaded monkey-like creature-- -- WE CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT: THE VERY HUMANESQUE ALIEN Looking prim and handsome and dapper. we are in: INT. A HIGHLY SECURE CONFERENCE ROOM IN THE PENTAGON Where around a big table are the Joint Chiefs, the Security Advisors, heads of the CIA, NASA, Secret Service, etc. And Jay and Kay. The head of NASA addresses the President. By him is the Alien, dapper and confident. Whereas there is quite a frenz-outside, inside it is calm and reasoned. NASA HEAD He has come unarmed-- we have verified this-- and he has come alone. We may politicize it, to suit our current needs, or we may not. All he wants is 5 minutes to address the people of our world, with what he calls a message of hope and light. So, Mr. President, if it's alright with you, I'd like to introduce... (to the Alien) What would you like us to call you, anyhow? The Alien stands. He moves to the head of the table. ALIEN Let's see... My true name you couldn't even begin to pronounce. Trust me, it's worse than Prince's new name. Why don't you simply call me, oh, I don't know... what's a good human name? How about... Yaz. NASA HEAD 'Yaz'? YAZ 1967 Triple Crown winner, American League MVP, Boston Red Sox left fielder, Carl Yastrzemski. Just saw the final pennant game before I left. You must understand, it takes your TV signals a while to get to us. --Oh, I'm taping the 67 world series as we speak. Please, nobody tell me how it comes out. Yaz smiles. Light chuckles from all but Kay, who checks his watch. YAZ Anyhow, I digress... I'd now like to ask everyone, please, if you would, to empty your front pockets. Don't worry. This isn't a stick up. I'm just making a point. People reach into their pockets. CLANG-CLANK K-CHING CLUNK. Change, pocket knives... and, mostly, keys are met on the table. Jay goes to do the same, but, off Kay's look, he stops. YAZ Now, what are we looking at? Keys. Look at them all. Why do we have them? Mr. President? PRESIDENT Well, uh... so we can got into things, I guess. YAZ That's why you have doors, Mr. President. Keys, however, are to lock the doors. And locks, as you know, are to keep people out. Why? Fear. You humans are afraid. So you set up boundaries. Borders. Your car. Your home. Your country. All the while your true enemy could very well be considered already here among you. Well I am here to let that enemy go. Because there's a border you didn't even know existed. It's the border to the Universe. And unlike your other borders, you humans didn't set this border up to keep other planets from you. It was set up by others, to keep you away from them. Until now. Because I have been sent here to open the door. To present you, so to speak, with the key to the universe. People are speechless. Astounded. Awestruck. Jay watches, interested. Kay rolls his eyes. YAZ (CONTINUING) Why, you might ask? Because you're ready. Because you've finally gone as far as you can go without it. PRESIDENT If I may, sir... what exactly are you offering? YAZ A good question. And a simple answer. No more hunger. No more smog. No more overpopulation. No more war. PRESIDENT And I assume you're bringing this to us because we're the most powerful country on the planet... YAZ That and, well... I want my friends to see me on CNN. (off chuckles) Okay, I will admit it: ours is an illegal hookup. We'll gladly pay when you can get your trucks out to install it. There's still more laughter. Not from Kay, of course, who clears his throat and stands. Heads turn. KAY Pardon me. I hate to break up this lovely little group hug, but we people aren't ready for what we have. How is this going to help? YAZ How could it not? KAY Why don't you ask the Mosebacke? (off murmers of confusion) Brazil. Until 44 years ago they ate with their hands, lived in huts, and didn't even know the rest of the world existed. 44 years ago a well intentioned missionary gave them a fork. Today, they don't exist. YAZ Come on now. People are smart. KAY No-- a Person is smart. People are dumb. (as the group starts to murmer protests) And the more people you put together, the dumber they get. And you know that. Kay sits. Around them, people are very uneasy. They apologize to Yaz, try to offer him signs of support. PRESIDENT (trying to quell things) Excuse me-- JAY (stands) Excuse me. Um, sorry to interrupt you, Mr. President-- and, by the way, it's an honor, air-- but... Mr. Yaz. If there's nothing to be afraid of, why did all the other aliens leave? INT. PENTAGON HALLWAY - A MOMMENT LATER - DAY Jay and Kay are "ushered" away from the meeting by security guards. KAY "Perhaps we shoulld take a lesson from our dinosaurs..." JAY I dunno, man. Maybe we should. Kay looks daggers at him, then they are forced out of the building-- EXT. BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Where they are mobbed by the reporters. KAY (to Jay) What the hell are you talking about? VARIOUS REPORTERS Can you confirm-rumors--? Excuse me! Is there an alien in our--? Etc. KAY We don't know anything. JAY (to Kay) I mean... things are different. I'm not saying it's your fault. But they're different now. He made it that way. REPORTER But you were just-.in-- KAY We don't know! They push through the throng, and WE CUT TO: INT. INS BUILDING - HALLWAY LEADING FROM MAIN LOBBY MOVING, We're in the "regular" part of the INS building-- the part that houses the regular INS staff. Jay and Kay swiftly stride down-the hallway with Zed, heading toward their section of the building. As they go, they pass office after office, where everyone is watching TV or listening to the radio or talking about the big news ZED As far as I can tell, the guy's what he says he is - alone, and unarmed. All he wants is five minutes to introduce himself to the public. KAY Where's he making his big speech? ZED They haven't announced it yet. All I know is we're in motion for the most watched media event in history. They pass an office where excited Agents and Secretaries and Workers - single as they never do, all watching BERNIE SHAW on CNN. BERNIE SHAW (ON CNN) Well, it's been officially confirmed... I mean-- it really has... wow. Forgive me, but it's true: we've had... contact. With an intelligent life form from another planet... JAY CNN... Maybe his dream'll come true. ZED Yeah. His dream and our worst nightmare. JAY You know, there's something we never really thought of... They enter-- INT. INS BUILDING - SPECIAL SERVICES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The Men in Black office is empty. That is, there are no aliens to speak of. Kay moves to his cubicle. Jay and Zed follow behind him KAY Oh, yeah? Fill us in, why don't you. JAY What if he's telling the truth? KAY You know something? I actually never think of that. I gotta get some coffee. DEE (OFF SCREEN) I'll get it for you, Kay. They turn. Due a standing in the doorway. DEE 'Hell, I may as well do something useful. KAY Dee, you've been useful for 50 years. We're clueless, you're tired. Why don't you go home and get some rest. DEE Home? You gotta be kidding me. (then) Black? Kay hesitates. Then nods. Dee looks at Jay and Zed. JAY Sure. ZED Me, too. I feel a long day coming on. KAY Let's hope so. Cause I feel a short day coming on, and it scares the hell out of me. Dee crosses into: THE BACK ROOM Where he walks past the QUARANTINE ROOM, where there's a large hole in the glass where the "insect" Laurel had found had been kept. We hold on it for a beat before cutting over TO: THE "WATERING HOLE" Where Dee sets the first cup down and starts to pour the second. As he does something drips into the already-poured first cup. He pauses. Looks up. Sees nothing unusual. Then returns to pouring the second cup. He sets it down. NOT NOTICING THAT: The ceiling above him is shifting, slightly. OUT IN THE CUBICLE AREA Kay punches in at his computer, desperate, looking for anything. Jay has not dropped what he was just referring to. JAY Kay-- KAY Hang on. There's gotta be something on this guy. (to Zed) Did you contact the Alliance? Do they have anything? ZED I put word out-- you know how long it takes to get the signals across. JAY Kay. Seriously. What if he actually means what he says? KAY He's here to help!? JAY Yes. Well, in his own mind, yeah. What if, from his point of view, he is? KAY How does that help me? JAY Well... if you think about it, then it would mean that maybe everything he's saying is true. Kay abandons his computer, whirls in his chair. KAY Great. Fine. Listen, why don't we call the pentagon, maybe they'll take you back with the new age well wishers. I'll stay here and go extinct with the dinosaurs. JAY Kay. All I'm saying-- KAY I know what you're saying. And I'm telling you I don't trust him-- JAY I know you don't trust him. You don't trust anybody-- KAY Cause I've been doing this thirty years and if I don't know when something doesn't feel right by now-- JAY That's my point. For thirty years you've been looking through things and under things and behind things. Well what I'm saying is maybe this is a time where you should look right at things. He said our enemy in already here. Well maybe it is. Maybe our enemy is, literally, already here. There's a pause. Suddenly a thought passes through Kay's mind. And he's really serious. He looks at Jay. Looks like he's going to kill him. Kay starts moving toward him. Jay starts to back up. JAY What? Kay, come on, man-- IN THE BACK ROOM Dee pours the third cup of coffee when -- There's another drip. He looks up. Sees nothing. Looks back at the coffee. Something viscous and green is floating in one of the cups. He starts to get nervous. BACK IN THE CUBICLE AREA - SAME Kay continues to move toward Jay... and Jay continues to back toward the center of the room. JAY Look, I don't blame you-- you've been working hard-- but-- seriously, man-- Kay!-- But just when it looks like Kay is right on top of Jay, Kay continues right on past him. Jay whirls. JAY What are you doing? KAY Everything left the planet, right? Except one thing. (to Zed) That little insect-- the one we found in Sudbury. Did it leave when everything else left? ZED Well, it wasn't in the jar... KAY Did it leave? ZED Actually, I don't know... KAY Oh shit! And Kay accelerates into a full run toward: THE BACK ROOM - BACK IN THE WATERING HOLE Where Dee grabs the three cups of steaming black coffee when something drips again-- this time landing in a big splotch right in front of him. And he looks up. And this time he sees the ceiling shift-- cause it's shifting a lot. And suddenly a figure begins to emerge from within it-- like those 3-D prints that take a while for your eyes to find the image... And then teeth begin to emerge from the figure... DEE Oh my Lord... And a CREATURE begins to emerge around the teeth (imagine a huge insect which still retains the pattern of the wallpaper against which it was perched) and, as-- KAY bursts into the room-- KAY Dee! Dee, get out of there! It's too late, because-- IN THE BACK ROOM The creature leaps off and lunges toward Dee, who turns and trips, spewing the piping hot coffee on the, floor in front of him. Kay quickly pulls his gun as-- The creature attacks, quickly and horrifically devouring Dee's entire lower torso. Dee cries out in pain as-- DEE AHHHH! Kay fires but misses because-- in less than two seconds-- The creature has quickly mutated into two identical creatures. That's right-- where there was one, there's now two. Jay and Zed rush in and recoil in horror as-- Kay fires again and-- BLAM BLAM The two hideous bugs fall splatting against the back wall: dead. Then he and Jay and Zed rush to Dee, whose consciousness is draining with his blood. KAY Dee. God damn it. I told you to go home. DEE Kay... And Dee's eyes glaze over... Kay looks up. KAY Sorry, old buddy. And WE CUT TO: INT. LAUREL WEAVERIS OFFICE - DAY A small tv is playing in the corner of Laurells office, with the incessant alien coverage blabbering on low volume. BERNIE SHAW (ON CNN) ... President has assured us that the alien is friendly and will be speaking to us at,a time and place as yet to be announced... This small bug-- the Andean Mollatoosa which Dave had given her-sits on the desk as she works fervently at her desk. She pays absolutely no attention to the TV. Suddenly there's a knock and before laurel can even respond-- THE DOOR flies open and Kay and Jay burst in. Laurel whirls in her chair-- LAUREL Hang on-- ARHH! JAY (with a hope for recognition) Hi... But she just looks through them, with those hazy, work-filled eyes. KAY We need to talk to you about the alien. LAUREL The what? JAY The alien? You haven't heard? (a slight smile) Kay, she hasn't heard. (to Laurel) It's on the TV. Right next to you. Laurel, still dazed from working and a bit stunned from the intrusion, turns her head and gazes at the small screen on her desk. LAUREL That's Bernie Shaw. What are you saying? Who are you people? Then Bernie says: BERNIIE SHAW ... nobody knows just what planet or galaxy the alien comes from but... And Laurel turns back to the Men in Black. Then she looks at her Andean Mollatoosa. Shakes her head. Picks up the bug. LAUREL Once-- just once-- I thought I'd made the discovery of a lifetime... JAY Actually, you may have. KAY We need you to show us where you found it. EXT. FIELD IN THE WOODS - DAY They trudge along an unused path through overgrown weeds and brush. LAUREL It's hard to find. It's an old civil war cemetery. Nobody ever goes there. So... what is it you say you do? JAY I guess you could say we're entopologists of a sort. LAUREL I don't think so. (to Kay) I mean, him, he could be a scientist, maybe. But you... (to Jay) Exterminator, I'd understand. But entopolgist? No way. JAY Why not? LAUREL Well, first of all, it's entomologist. Kay pulls out a METER of sorts. Gets a reading on it. KAY I show nothing on the infra-red. No sign of life... They approach an old wire fence. It's covered in weeds. There's ar old sign indicating a cemetary. it's kind of creepy. They keep going. Kay holds the meter out. Still no reading. KAY Which way? LAUREL Seriously. I'm not going any further until you tell who you are. Exasperated, Kay sighs, turns to Laurel. Pulls out his neuralyser. KAY We're an ultra-elite, top secret organization which monitors alien activity on the planet earth. LAUREL (beat) No kidding. Really? (to Jay) Him, too? (off Jay's nod) There's not some... I don't know... level you have to be above, or anything? (then) The cemetary's up there, by the way. (to neuralyser) And, if you don't mind, could you put that thing away? It gives me the creeps. They look up the incline: about 50 yards away is an overgrown old cemetery. They start toward it... and WE CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - ROOFTOP OF THE INS BUILDING DAY An amazing antennae reaches toward the sky. ZED'S VOICE (OVER) Holy shit... We hear a computer printing out and we tilt down the length of the antenna and CUT INSIDE TO: INT. INS OFFICE - SPECIAL SERVICES, INTERGALACTIC BUREAU The antenna continues down from the roof and through the ceiling and then terminates in a COMPUTER, which prints out in front of Zed. ZED Jesus Christ... As Zed grabs his radio, WE CUT TO: EXT. WOODS - NEARING THE OLD GRAVEYARD Jay and Kay and Laurel are making their way up the incline... LAUREL (to the sloping ground) You know, I gotta say something, I don't think this hill was here two days ago. Kay hears his radio squalk and Zed comes on the line. ZED'S VOICE (ON RADIO) Kay! Kay! pick up! Kay grabs his radio. And we INTERCUT between Zed and the three of them as the mount the rise toward the cemetery. KAY Yeah? What's up? ZED I got a planet check on that bug. It's from way the hell out in the third belt. it's organic, formed in the same blast that made our solar system. As Zed is speaking, Laurel and Jay and Kay have reached the crest of the rise and are now able to so into the graveyard. Laurel stops first. Jay stops next. Then Kay. ZED (CONTINUING) And get this: you know how humans evolved from primates? Well guess what the dominant life form on planet evolved from? KAY Don't tell me. Insects. REVERSE ANGLE What they are looking at is: THE OLD CEMETARY The ground sags-- as though what's under it had been hollowed out and is nearly collapsing. And the tombstones list to the side, or toppled onto one another. But the big deal is: The 25 foot dirt hill in the center of it all. With a on the top. ZED How'd you know? KAY (to Zed) Just a guess. But I think found a nest. LAUREL I swear to God, that was not here two days ago... JAY What is it? LAUREL It's the most amazing insect nest I've ever seen. And I'll tell you one thing, it sure as hell ain't the Andean Mollatoosa. JAY But it's definitely a nest, isn't it? LAUREL Man, hey-- maybe you are an entopologist after all. She starts toward it. Jay and Kay follow. INT. 25 FOOT HIGH "ANT HILL" - A MOMENT LATER Kay and Jay and Laurel gradually make their way, with flashlights, down the hole. In the dirt are bones, skulls, old caskets... anything that was underground when the earth was overturned. KAY The dirt's fresh. It was just dug out recently. But it's odd... Records showed nothings arrived even close to this area. JAY Since how long? KAY Since as long as we've been keeping records... Kay pulls out the meter again. Hits a few buttons. KAY Still showing no life... JAY ' Why, if it's a nest, would the meter not show any life? They reach the bottom. Shine the light on: A VAST UNDERGROUND CAVERN It's huge, cavernous, dark. And the dirt floor is lined with thousands and thousands of small, viscous white shells. LAUREL Cause it's no longer a nest. (kneels) These eggs are all hatched. JAY When? LAUREL It would've had to have been recently-- within a few weeks. JAY So... how did they get here? KAY Maybe they didn't get here. Maybe they've been here. JAY For how long? KAY (shrugs) My guess? Longer than we've been around. JAY (looks at vast cavern) I don't get it. The shells are so small. How'd they dig all this out? KAY We saw it in the office. It went from this big... (tiny) to big... (huge) in a day. JAY Well, if the bugs have hatched, and they're not here... then where are they? Laurel, who is continuing to explore, calls at them... LAUREL Uh... guys. Jay and Kay look at each other, then walk toward where she's standing. They arrive, and then shine their light on what she's shining her light on: JAY Holy shit... REVERSE ANGLE - THEIR POV -They are looking toward the far end of the cavern, where we see, illuminated in the very back, is a very strange sight: A huge (almost 30 yards high), cubist-- almost-surrealist-- statue. Only it's not a statue. It's more like a compilation of blocks of white stone, piled one on top of another. LAUREL What the hell is this? They walk up to it. KAY It's marble. JAY All of it? Kay nods. Kneels. Looks closer. JAY This is very, very odd. They look at all the marble. It's not just blocks of stone. Some of them seen to have been sculpted, or carved. Kay finds one in particular. It looks like a finger. KAY I know what this is. (into radio) Zed, you in? ZED'S VOICE Yeah, Kay? KAY Did our friend announce when he's making his speech? ZED'S VOICE Noon exactly. KAY Did he say where? ZED'S VOICE Actually, yeah-- KAY Wouldn't happen to be the Lincoln Memorial, would it? ZED'S VOICE (beat) How'd you know that? Kay? KAY Cause I think we're looking at it. Laurel follows Kay's gaze. As does Jay. All three are now looking at: THE PILE OF ROCKS And now that we have a clearer context for what it is, its somewhat strewn-together form begins to make a little more visual sense: It's the STATUE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, only it's been taken apart Md rebuilt -- with the same pieces and even in the same general order... but the pieces have been just piled one on top of the other-- to form this odd, cubist, surrealist version of Abe Lincoln HOLD for a beat, then CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON MALL SAME The Lincoln Memorial. Still there, still looking extremely Abraham Lincoln-asque as we HEAR, amplified over the huge crowd an the Washington Mall, CARL SAGAN as he speaks to the hundreds of thousands of gathering people. Behind him, on the stage, is the crystalline glass space ship. CARL SAGAN Welcome, welcome my fellow... "earthlings." This truly is the beginning of a new millenium... We PUSH IN on the memorial. And we don't see anything wrong with it. Well, maybe-- just maybe-- it might seem to shimmer a little, as though parts of it were actually alive. But you'd have to be looking really really close. And, before we can do that, WE CUT TO: EXT. VIRGINIA The LTD roars past at lightning speed. The regular RADIO is on, and is constantly supplying the continually-updating alien info. RADIO President is here... as well as the leaders of over seventeen different nations... JAY (V.O.) Would you call this a code 100? KAY (V.0.) I'd double it and add 20. INT. LTD Kay drives. Jay's head is g-forced back against the seat. JAY We have till noon, right? What time is it? --I'd look, but I can't turn my head. KAY It's 11:41. Jay forces his head sideways... JAY Listen, Laurel... driving like this may be hard for you. My suggestion is-- He finally gets his head turned and finds himself face to face with Laurel, who, is sitting up in her seat, having no problems at all. LAUREL Really nice wheels, by the way. KAY Wait-- listen-- RADIO ... still sequestered in his penthouse suite adjacent to the mall, where security and... KAY We're gonna have to split up. Kay pulls the car to the side of the road near people selling "I SAW THE ALIEN" t-shirts. EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - CONTINUOUS Kay, Jay and Laurel pour'out of the car. Kay rushes to the back of the LTD and removes some supplies from the trunk. Behind them, we see and hear the roar of the crowd as Carl Sagan speaks about the universe and all that it holds... KAY (over the noise) I'm going to try and cut him off at the hotel. You guys get to the Memorial. (to weapons from trunk) Keep this stuff hidden. The last thing we need is some over-zealous Secret Service twirp to... JAY Do his job. KAY Right. Oh, and here. Kay hands Jay an Edna and what looks very much like a sawed off shotgun. Jay looks at it, impressed. JAY Wow... this one's cool. And it looks just like a shotgun. KAY Actually, it is a shotgun. Hold onto it-- JAY in case I need it? KAY In case I need it. Jay tucks the gun behind his back, under his suit coat. JAY Okay. You got it. And Kay-- How do I-- Kay? But Kay's already cone. Laurel turns to Jay. The two of then stant in the midst of the huge lawn and the packed crowd. LAUREL What do we do? JAY What do we do? (thinks, then) Lean into it. LAUREL What the hell does that mean? JAY Actually... I don't know. And they start into the crowd as WE CUT TO: INT. "GREEN ROOM" TENT - SAME Sagan's speech enters the tent two ways: it wafts through the openings, and it's on the TV monitors which carry it LIVE on CNN. WORLD LEADERS are gathered with the President (going over notes) an many of the other IMPORTANT PEOPLE we saw earlier. At the moment, there is a swirl of spin-guys and media people. MEDIA GUY Okay... Sagan's finishing his speech and is about to introduce the President. (to the President) Keep it brief. Blah blah, contact, blah blah, administration, blah blah... We'll line up the Premier, the Prime Minister, the King here, Monsieur President, all of you... and... we got Yaz making his big entrance-- (to OTHER SUITS) He still coming in his glass ship-thing? (off their nods) Okay... and... (into a walkie talkie) What's the ETA on the Yazater? CUT TO: INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - PENTHOUSE Lined with security. At the head of the line another media guy listens to his walkie talkie. The Media Guy knocks on Yaz's door-door with a huge "Do NOT DISTURB" sign. MEDIA GUY Sir? YAZ'S VOICE (FROM INSIDE) Two minutes. MEDIA GUY (into valkie talkie) We're right on schedule. Meanwhile-- AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOTEL Kay moves into the lobby, where he is immediately stopped by SECURITY. They surround him with guns. GUARD #16 Hold it. KAY (removing Carte Noire) INS-- Special Services. I need to-- Kay inserts the Carte Noire into the security slot. A readout says "TERMINATE CARDHOLDER." The Security People are on him instantly. GUARD #4 Hands up. NOW. KAY Fine. Oh-- here-- you may want this, too. What was "this"' It's a NITROGENIZER. And instantly the entire security unit is frozen solid. Kay moves through the now-mannequined lobby, toward the elevator, and WE CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON HALL ON STAGE Saran wrap up his speech and turns to the aid... gets the "OK" from the events crew people, then turns back to the audience. CARL SAGAN And now... it is my extreme pleasure to introduce... IN THE GREEN ROOM TENT CARL SAGAN (ON TV) the President of the Un-- MEDIA GUY The door opens and the line of Important People begins to file out. IN THE DENSE CROWD WILD CHEERS! Laurel and.Jay fight through the throngs. It's tough to maneuver. JAY (yelling) We gotta get closer-- I don't even have a shot from here... Jay shoves a GUY in a "LOVE EVERYBODY" t-shirt aside and pushes on. GUY IN "LOVE EVERYBODY" T-SHIRT Hey! Fuck you, asshole! INT. PENTHOUSE HALLWAY GUARDS, hearing something, turn and freeze, guns drawn. That's cause Kay is rounding the corner onto the floor... He hurries past the guards and reaches the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign oi the door. Which he opens. Revealing: INT. YAZ'S SUITE - CONTINUOUS It's covered with and literally dripping in goo. Waxy, gloppy, drippy, green substance hangs from the ceiling and covers every wall. There are combs and vestibules and very little furniture is left visible. Ray enters. Looks around. Sees some kind of webbing-- like the kind spiders use to trap food. And you can tell Yaz had ordered room service, cause there's an uneaten, full room service cart... and a half-eaten bellman, wrapped in a white webbing. There's a TV on, broacasting the continuing good nova... THE PRESIDENT An answer to a prayer that each and every one of us has shared... Then the sound of a blow dryer drowns the sound of the TV. Kay moves across the room. Toward: THE BATHROOM in which we can now see... YAZ ... putting the finishing touches on his nicely coifed human hair. He combs, dries, combs, dries. Then sets the drier down and does a 70's David Cassidy "flip" of high bangs. Notices something in the mirror. It's Kay, standing in the doorway, gun drawn. KAY (to the ubiquitous goo) Gonna have to leave a hell of a tip for the maid. YAZ Yes, well, as you see, I left a hell of a tip for the Bellboy. Yaz starts to move. KAY DON'T MOVE. Yaz smiles. And seems to disappear. Kay turns. Looks. He can't see Yaz anywhere. Then Kay is tapped on the shoulder. And Yaz is standing behind him, smiling. Kay turns. Looks at Yaz, standing above him. Kay, slowly and secretly, begins to inch his fingers toward his bel as Yaz begins to circle him. YAZ Camouflauge. Well very, very, very good at it. This skin. This hair. This English-- the very noises I an making, right now, word, and one-- it's just... camouflauge. All designed to make you humans feel "okay" about me. Sure, it's a bit more sophisticated than you're used to-- but I'm from another planet. We can do this. Kay suddenly pulls another gun. And fires. But just as he does-- YAZ dissappears. Again. And Kay ends up only blasting a hole in the penthouse mini-bar. Kay turns... stalking... the barrel of his Edna rifle shifting as his eyei shift... KAY Not bad. Briliiant, actually. You come unarmed, and alone. Cause your army's been growing underground for what? 100 years? 150? YAZ (O.S.) Give or take. It was right around your civil war, I think, when I was here last. We were waiting till your planet was warm enough. Yaz suddenly appears on the bed, plucking a finger from the halfeaten bellman and chewing it as though it were a grape. YAZ (CONTINUING) Simple biology. And unfortunately,because of its simplicity, it's something far too complex for you to stop. Kay wheels, FIRES... and rips down out of the pillows... YAZ (O.S.) Worse than trying to nab one of those pesky mosquitos in the middle of the night, isn't it? OUTSIDE - ON THE MALL Jay's radio squalks and Zed comes on. It's hard for them to talk over the President's continuing upbeat speech and the wild cheers of the crowd. ZED's VOICE I finally heard from the Alliance... These guys are serious-- JAY (over him) No shit-- ZED'S VOICE They've been to 13 planets so far this millenium. Apparently the insects, if you can call them that, respond to fear. JAY (over crowd cheers) What? ZED'S VOICE They're blind-- LAUREL Pheromones! Like how a bee knows you're angry oi afraid. JAY Great. So it'll be easy-- just tell everybody not to be afraid, and we're fine. 13 planets, huh? What's his record? ZED'S VOICE You don't wanna know. He's 13 and 0. Jay looks one more time at the Memorial. Sitting there. Barely moving... JAY Is it my eyes... or is that thing a little... LAUREL Out of focus? They squint. As they do, we PUSH IN FROM THEIR POV. THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL does, actually, look a little less... delineated. As if, perhaps, it were not made up of rocks, but, say... things which are alive. INT. YAZ'S HOTEL SUITE - SAME Kay stands in the room, holding his clun... searching, stalking. The President continues on the TV... PRESIDENT (ON TV) For so long we've searched the skies for an answer... and finally, the skies have responded... ...and Kay shatters the now-smoking set. YAZ (O.S.) I couldn't agree with you more. I find it so depressing, the human's lazy, misguided wish that their problems would just... end. He then appears back in the bathroom, checking his teeth. YAZ (CONTINUING) You know, sometimes I have to remind myself-- when I almost start to actually feel sorry for you-that this il a charity mission. That I am, in fact, here on a mission of goodwill. He disappears again. Kai keeps moving... KAY Goodwill... YAZ (O.S.) Most entirely. Earth has been overrun with an infestation of a species which, in order for the planet to survive, must be exterminated. He appears again... standing behind Kay and holding Kay's gun, again. YAZ (CONTINUING) That species to which I am referring is, of course, you humans. (to gun tug of war) Mr. Kay. Seriously. Any schoolboy knows that an insect can lift two hundred times his own weight. And he simply takes the gun from Kay's hands. YAZ (CONTINUING) And that it's the insects, truly, which your planet can not do without... Kay suddenly senses something and looks down. A sticky, white, stringy substance is starting to form at his feet. And he can not move. Ho looks up. YAZ (CONTINUING) And which, of course, will be around far, far longer than any of you. Certainly longer than you, personally, will be. And with that-- Yaz suddenly UNHINGES HIS JAW like a boa constrictor and, as only a malevolent being from the other side of the galaxy can do... Yaz opens his mouth SIX FEET WIDE... throws his LONG TONGUE out and around Kay and in one brief but horrifying instant, he SUCKS KAY... INTO HIS MOUTH... YAZ (mouth full) Sorry. But in the battle between brains and instinct... the sucker bet's on the brains. And he swallows. And WE CUT TO: EXT. STAGE/CROWD/WASHINGTON Wild cheers as Laurel and Jay push their way forward and-- THE PRESIDENT (AMPLIFIED) (grandly gestures) And now I am humbled and proud to announce JAY(over noise) Where are you? EXT. BALOCONY OF HIS PENTHOUSE SUITE Yaz-- now 15 feet tell-- steps out into the bright sunlight, waving to the cheering from the crowd just a short ways away... And steps over to his CRYSTALLINE GLASS SPACESHIP, which glints in the sun on the other side of the balcony... THE PRESIDENTIS AMPLIFIED VOICE (wafting over Washington) ... one small step for, well, for someone who looks like a man... IN THE CROWD Jay and Laurel move closer toward the stage, and to the Lincoln Memorial.. Laurel taps Jay on the shoulder. Points down. LAUREL Jay. Suddenly-- FLOWERS are growing. Just spouting up from the ground. Beautiful, colorful flowers. People pick them. Cheer. PRESIDENT And one giant leap for... (TOTALLY DROWNED OUT BY CHEERS) Here he is, ladies and Gentlemen One looks to-- THE SKY Where, bathed in sunlight and with a rainbow is an exhaust trail... THE CRYSTALLINE GLASS SPACESHIP Begins its quiet, peaceful, perfectly executed descent. VARIOUS SHOTS We see it on TV. We see people watching it on TV. We note the skepticism, the wonder, the amazement... as: EXT. WASHINGTON MALL - ON STAGE The President, the World Leaders-- EVERYONE-- watches, thrilled, except-- JAY AND LAUREL Who push past people and rush up toward-- THE STAGE Where door of the ship opens. And... YAZ emerges, tall and handsome and winning. Wild pandemonium. Absolute frenzy from the crowd, as-He approaches the microphone. YAZ I am here on a mission of goodwill. More CHEERS. Yaz quiets them. It takes a moment, but he does it. YAZ (CONTINUING) When a farmer has an infestation of, say, aphids, sometimes all it taken are a few ladybugs to get rid of the problem. Well, earth, too, has an infestation... People become silent. Everybody want to hear this. In fact, it gets so quiet that people can HEAR ONE SINGLE VOICE from the crowd: JAY (O.S.) Not necessarily. Suddenly Yaz stops. Looks down. JAY is standing below him, pointing his Edna right at him. Of course, instantly security is moving and almost fires when-- YAZ (quickly interjects) No no. Please! He won't shoot. VARIOUS SHOTS - ALL AROUND THE GLOBE Everywhere people are watching TV, they are now watching a shot of the mall, the alien, and ONE LITTLE MAN standing below him holding a gun. And the alien isn't bothered in the least. CONTINUING - LIVE: JAY How can you be so sure? YAZ Easy. Suddenly -- and right in front of everybody-- Yaz unbuttons his shirt and rips his chest open, revealing: INSIDE HIM-- suspended in a now-open pouch in the center of his body, writhing and squirming and now finally able to gasp for air... ... is Kay. KAY Do IT! SHOOT HIM! JAY Kay!? YAZ Not so sure yourself any more, are you? Huh? Well, what does you brain tell you to do now? Well, guess what? IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE. ALL AROUND People are shocked. Some start to scream. The panic picks up momentum as there's a quickly rising wave of fear rippling audibly across the field of people and then-- Yaz smiles and-- IT HAPPENS. Yaz emits a loud, shrill, piercing bleat, and-- THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL Suddenly bursts apart into thousands and thousands of screeching, horrifying "INSECTS", causing-- ON STAGE Everyone who was there the President, the World laaders -- to be thrown hurtling off into: THE CROWD Which has instantly been transformed into a screaming, panicked mob of terrified humans. Laurel and Jay are blown by the force backwards and into the frenzied swirl of thousands of running, tripping feet. The President runs through the crowd, just as scared as everyone else. So do all the other world leaders. ALL AROUND Creatures surface from everywhere, attracted to the zillions of fei pheromones being emmitted by the frenzied, panicked mass. Highly adapted to camoflauge as they are, the "insects" are very difficult to see until the instant they attack. As they pass things-- telephone poles, first aid tents, even other people-- the are able to take on similar colors and shapes (remember when we sa the little one in Laurelis office-- and then saw it bigger and fiercer when it ate Dee and multiplied). So, therefore: People diva into cars for safety. But when one person opens a car door, he finds it's not a door-- it's a wing, and as soon as he pulls it, the front grille of the car turns and reveals itself to be teeth, and-Me bar itself literally devours the person-- then it multiplies into two creatures which, in turn, lurch after other screaming passersby. What looks like a low-hanging cloud attacks someone. Someone runs into a building which isn't a building at all. -The entire first aid tent eats five people and multiplies. And in the middle of it all: INTERCUT YAZ Who is smiling triumphantly. The calm at the eye of the storm. YAZ Well. I couldn't have asked for it to go any more smoothly than that, could I? Now what? (looks at his watch) Oh, good. I can make it home and see how the rest of the 67 World Series turns out. He rubs his hands together-- a job well done. And turns toward the ship, which waits for him, untouched, on the stage. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRENZIED, PANICKED CROWD Jay and Laurel roust each other. Have to yell over the pandemonium. LAUREL Jay! Jay, what can we do? JAY Okay. If you've got a bug problem-a big one. And they're swarming and there's no way to shoot them all individually... how do you get rid of them? LAUREL The only thing I could think of would be... you'd have to get rid of the queen. JAY What if you have the foggiest clue as to where the queen is? LAUREL Are you sure you don't? There's a brief pause. Then the two of them look back up toward... THE STAGE - NEAR HIS SHIP Where Yaz is now mounting the steps, smug and self-congratulatory. YAZ And now, unfortunately, I must bid you all farewell. Thank you all very, very, very such... He closes his skin back up... as-- INSIDE OF HIM The INNER WORKINGS of Yazls digestive system start to secrete all sorts of acidic, gastric substance. Kay tries to kick and punch and flail... and-- OUT IN THE CROWD Jay looks at Laurel. She looks at him. Jay grabs his Edna-- LAUREL What are you doing? JAY They respond to fear, right? LAUREL Yeah ... ? JAY Well I'm going to give them something to be afraid of. And they start up toward the stage. Jay taking shots-- BLAM BLAM -- BIAM -- at bugs, as-- ALL AROUND THE WORLD - SERIES OF SHOTS it is mass pandemonium. In China. Japan. France. Anywhere they have a TV people are terrified. People run out of stores and dash madly through the streets. Lock and bolt windows. Lock car doors. Stuff furniture into their chimneys. Block every possible opening VARIOUS REPORTERS In various languages say variations, on: REPORTERS #46-59 The aliens are ONLY in Washington. Repeat: at the moment, they are ONLY IN WASHINGTON. REPORTER #82 But they're multiplying. They seem to be geometrically increasing in number. REPO 104 ...increasing at a rate which would mean that... (turns to colleague) How much time before there's one for every person on the planet? REPORTER #104'S COLLEAGUE At this rate it would be... (finishes calculations) Twenty minutes. CUT TO: MORE PANIC. Screaming. Frenzy. The worst nightmare of any human, anywhere, at any time. All around the world. EXT. WASHINGTON HALL/ON STAGE/ALL AROUND AS the crowd dives and runs and screamn and leaps into the water-- ON THE STAGE Yaz, stopping at the top of his ship to take one last survey of the melee of destruction helk set in motion... sees: JAY, standing below him, pointing his gun. YAZ YOU don't give up, do you? And Yaz-- with a simple, and quick-- flick of his tongue... dislodges Jay's gun from Jay's outstretched hands. It was so simple, it would seem as if Jay had almost wanted him to do that. Yaz turns to enter his ship. When Jay calls out to him. JAY Hey. Yaz. YAZ (turns) Yes'? Jay's nervous. We see him standing there. Trying something. what we don't know. But he's giving it all he's got. JAY You... you think you're pretty god damn smart, don't you? YAZ (snickers derisively) "Think." "God." "Smart." Such misguided human concepts, all of them. JAY Yeah... well... Go to hell! Whatever Jay's trying, it looks lame. To us, to Yaz. To Laurel, who has arrived at the base of the stage. YAZ "Hell?" Again, I'm afraid I don't quite grasp such a petty human notion. (annoyed, turning back) Now, if you're through with your childish name-calling.. JAY No. I'm not through with you! Yaz is starting to get really frustrated. Especially when Jay says: JAY Me, you slithering, slimy, pathetic little bug. Yaz just rolls his eyes. Sighs. YAZ Fine. It would be my pleasure-- And HE DOES -- UNHINGING HIS JAW and WRAPPING HIS TONGUE AROUND JAY and as Laurel yells-- LAUREL Jay!? What the hell are you doing!? Yaz opens his mouth huge and wide and says... YAZ People. Never can eat just one. And he sucks Jay back into his mouth and, as-- LAUREL Screams and-- ALL AROUND THE MALL it's pandemonium... ON STAGE Yaz enters his ship and-- INSIDE OF YAZ Jay falls through the slick, viscous, disgusting, slimy gullet of Yaz, upside down, where he slithers into-- THAT POUCH in which Kay is also lodged. Through the thick goo they manage to make contact. Kay looks petit, weak from holding his breath, and a little surprised to see him. And Jay is... SMILING!? In fact, he even gives Kay the thumbs-up. Then he notions-- slowly, because the fluid is thick in here-- for Kay to 'hang on a sec" while Jay reaches behind his back and pulls out... KAY'S SHOTGUN, Kay looks at Jay through the dense, viscous fluid. Jay smiles. Hands Kay his gun. ON STAGE Yaz sits at the controls. Is about to start the engine... when he hears what SOUNDS like the MUFFLED CH-CHOCK of a shotgun cocking... as- - INSIDE OF YAZ Kay PULLS THE TRIGGER and-- KABLAM! -- KAY BLASTS YAZ FROM THE INSIDE WIDE SHOT inside the glass ship, as YAZ explodes outward, the force causes the glass ship to explode as well. The Bug flies into two pieces -- the butt end sailing one way; the head flying behind Jay and pieces of Yaz fly every which way... Kay and Jay drop out from inside him, covered in goo and glass and innards. They fall with a clunk onto the stage. Kay's edna atomizer gun is thrown in the blast. Laurel-- bathed in goo from the explosion-- rushes up to them as- Kay picks himself up. Turns to Jay, who does the same. Jay is pissed and starts in on Kay. JAY You son of a -- Kay holds up a finger in a 'wait a minute' gesture -- pulls out his pocket phone and hits a number. KAY Zed. The BUG has been neutralized. INT. MIB HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT Zed is standing at the console, a smile on his face. He glances over at the console that displays alien arrivals and departures on the earth. The red lights are coming back on. ZED I think the word's already out. Our friends are coming back. (then) Got an authorized landing at Times Square. You and Jay check it out on the way back... And pick me up one of those soft pretzels, while you're at it. Extra salt. I feel like celebrating. EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NIGHT Kay flips the phone closed. KAY You were saying? JAY Getting eaten!? That was your plan!? KAY (shrugs) Worked. As they argue, behind them, unseen, THE FRONT HALF OF THE BUG RAISES ITSELF UP on its forearms, eyes gleaming with hate, jaws dripping -- ready to lower itself onto Kay and Jay. JAY After I got the shit beat out of me! KAY And I almost got digested. It goes with the job. JAY You coulda told me what you were doing. KAY There wasn't time, sport! HISSS! The Bug attacks, swinging its head down on them. They turn to see it, and just before the jaws snap down on their heads... BOOM! The Bug's head explodes into a million bits. Bug juice showers down everywhere, bucketsful of goo drenching Kay and Jay even further. They turn to see... LAUREL standing behind the dead Bug, the other atomizer in her hands, the barrel smoking, the weapon and Laurel dripping the Bug innards. LAUREL Interesting job you guys got. CUT TO: EXT. MIB BUILDING - NIGHT Kay's LTD is parked outside Men in Black headquarters. LAUREL leans her back against the car. We see JAY and KAY walking away in the distance. JAY Look, I know we got rules, but she did just help bust the Bug for us. And so maybe you don't have to flashy thing her. Kay pulls out the neuralyzer. JAY Who's she gonna tell, anyway? She only hangs out with dead people. KAY Not her. Me. (looking up at the sky) They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never just look anymore and they're beautiful. JAY Kay, you're scaring your partner. KAY I haven't been training a partner -- I've been training a replacement. JAY Oh no, I can't do this job by myself. LAUREL (walking towards them) Hey, guys, we're nowhere near my apartment. We're not even on the right island. KAY Maybe you won't have to. Kay starts dialing back the neuralyzer. KAY Days. Months. Years. Always face it forwards. He hands the neuralyzer to Jay. Taps his pocket. Indicates for him to put his glasses on. Jay resists. KAY I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want. Jay takes the neuralyzer. Slips on his glasses. KAY See you around, sport. Jay raises the neuralyzer. With a brilliant FLASH, the screen turns white. JAY No, you won't. CUT TO: EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY CLOSE ON various tabloid headlines as a hand flicks through them. Here's one: Mets' Centerfielder Says: "UFO MADE ME MISS HOME RUN BALL!" And here's another one: DETROIT HAS CAR THAT DEFIES GRAVITY! Secret Tests in N.Y.'s Tunnel And a third: MAN AWAKENS FROM 30-YEAR COMA! Returns to Girl He Left Behind A large photograph shows a smiling KAY, arm-in-arm with ELIZABETH RESTON, his long-lost fiancee, in her back yard in Tempe, Arizona. She holds a large bouquet of flowers, the same kind he brought but never gave her thirty years ago. JAY, who's reading the paper, smiles. AT THE CURB, Jay hurries back to the LTD with the newspapers. ELLE, (formerly Laurel), is waiting, leaning against the hood. Tailored black suit. Black shoes. Short-cropped hair. The look never looked better. ELLE Zed called. The High Consulate of Regent-9 emissary wants floor seats to the Knicks -- Bulls game. JAY I'll talk to Dennis Rodman, it's his damn planet. ELLE Let's roll. Both car doors SLAM, Jay drops it in gear, and the LTD BLASTS away from the curb. EXT. NEW YORK CITY BLOCK - DAY The LTD is just one of many cars in a jam-packed Manhattan city block. FROM UP IN THE CLOUDS Manhattan itself is just part of a much larger urban and suburban sprawl. FROM THE STRATOSPHERE The east coast of the United States is just part of a much larger land mass. FROM THE EOSPHERE North America is just a small portion of the planet Earth. FROM SPACE Earth is just a tiny ball in our solar system. FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE MILKY WAY Our solar system is just a few blips of light in a vast star field. FROM OUTSIDE OUR GALAXY The Milky Way is just a creamy spiral amid innumerable other creamy spirals. FROM THE OUTER REACHES OF THE UNIVERSE There seems to be an edge to what we see, a curved border that seems to close in on things around the perimeters, until everything that exists seems to be contained in one tiny ball -- -- which is actually a marble resting on a strange-looking patch of red dirt. An ALIEN HAND reaches down and flicks the marble, sending it skittering and bouncing across the dirt, where it CLICKS into a dozen other big blue balls just like it. FADE OUT.