MAN ON THE MOON FADE IN: INT. VOID - DAY Standing in a nonexistent set is ANDY KAUFMAN, looking a bit nervous. Wide-eyed, tentative, he stares at us with a needy, unsettling cuteness. His hair is slicked-down, and he wears the "FRIENDLY WORLD" costume from the Andy Kaufman special. Finally, Andy speaks -- in a peculiar FOREIGN ACCENT. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) Hallo. I am Andy. Welcoom to my movie. (beat; he gets upset) I hoped the story of my life would be nice...but it turned out terrible! It is all LIES! Tings are mixed up... real people I knew play different people. WHAT A MESS! So I broke into Universal and cut out the junk. Now it's much shorter. In fact, this is the end of the movie. So tanks for comink! Bye-bye! Andy puts a needle on a phonograph, and swelling CLOSING CREDITS MUSIC starts to play. FINAL CREDITS roll. Andy stands frozen, awkwardly looking at the audience. Every time the music ends he picks up the needle and restarts the music. He does that as many times as the credits require. Finally, CREDITS END. And then--a sly smile. He leans in. DROPS HIS ACCENT and WHISPERS. ANDY (AS REGULAR VOICE) Okay! Just my friends are left. I wanted to get rid of those other people... they would have laughed in the wrong places. (beat) I was only kidding about the movie... it's actually PRETTY GOOD! It shows everything... from me as a little boy until my death -- (his eyes pop; he covers his mouth) Oops!! I wasn't supposed to talk about that! Oh. Eh, uh, we better just begin. It starts back in Great Neck, Long Island... Andy turns to a primitive 16mm PROJECTOR and turns it on. WHIR! He smiles at the flickering light. ANDY Oh, yes. I remember it well... We PUSH INTO the white light. It fills our frame, blazing whiter, whiter... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. KAUFMAN HOUSE - 1957 - DAY A BLACK AND WHITE image slowly becomes COLOR. Great Neck, 1957. An upper-class Jewish neighborhood. In the street, crewcut BOYS play t-ball, laughing and shouting. A fat convertible pulls up to the smallest house, and STANLEY KAUFMAN, 40, gets out. Still in his suit, he's a well- meaning slave to his job -- tired, responsible. Stanley goes over to admire the t-ball game. At bat is his son MICHAEL, 6, a natural charmer. Michael swings -- crack! -- and hits a solid single. Stanley smiles. STANLEY That's my boy! Good swingin', kiddo. (warm beat; then a look) Hey -- Michael... where's your brother? MICHAEL He's inside. Instantly -- Stanley's mood turns black. He frowns angrily, then snatches his briefcase and marches in. INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, KITCHEN - 1957 - DAY Baby CAROL is crying. Mom JANICE, 35, quickly peels carrots, trying to get dinner made. Stanley marches past. STANLEY Is he in his room? JANICE Of course he's in his room. (aggravated) All his "friends" are in there. Stanley glowers. He huffs upstairs. INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, HALLWAY - 1957 - DAY Stanley hurries up to Andy's shut door. We hear little Andy doing VOICES. ANDY (O.S.) (as WORRIED GIRL) But professor, why are the monsters growing so big? (now as BRITISH PROFESSOR) It's something in the jungle water. I need to crack the secret code. Stanley rolls his eyes. He opens the door... INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, ANDY'S ROOM - 1957 - DAY ...revealing ANDY, 8, performing for the wall. Andy is happy and enthusiastic... as long as he's acting. ANDY (as BRITISH PROFESSOR) Maybe I should talk to the natives. (as dancing NATIVES) Shoom boom boo ba! Shoom boom boo ba -- STANLEY Andy! ANDY (startled) Oh! The boy suddenly turns off, becoming introverted... awkward. Frustrated, Stanley stares at his son. STANLEY Andy, this has to stop. Our house isn't a television station. There is not a camera in that wall. Andy glances over at the wall. Hmm. STANLEY (cont'd) (trying to cope) Son... listen to me. It isn't healthy. You should be outside, playing sports. ANDY But I've got a sports show. Championship wrestling, at five. STANLEY (he blows his top) You know that's not what I meant! Look, I'm gonna put my foot down! No more playing alone. You wanna perform, you GOTTA have an audience! ANDY (he points at the wall) B-but I have them. STANLEY No! That is NOT an audience! That is PLASTER! An audience is people made of flesh! They -- live and breathe! Got it?! Andy thinks, considering his options. Then, he nods. CUT TO: INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, FAMILY ROOM - 1957 - LATER THAT DAY Baby Carol sits in her crib. Andy's hands suddenly YANK her out. INT. KAUFMAN HOUSE, ANDY'S ROOM - 1957 - DAY Andy hurries in and plops Carol down on the floor. She dutifully sits there, deadpan. Andy returns to the center of the room. He resumes his show. ANDY (as KIDDIE SHOW HOST) And now, boys and girls! It's time for... TV Fun House! (he makes an APPLAUSE SOUND) Hi, everybody! Are you ready for a singalong? I'll say the animal, and you make his sound! Okay...? Okay! (he starts to SING) "Oh, the cow goes........." Carol stares, unblinking. Then -- CAROL Moo. ANDY (he smiles, pleased) "And the dog goes......" CAROL WOOF! ANDY "And the cat says......" DISSOLVE TO: INT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - NIGHT TIGHT on ANDY, now GROWN UP. 26-years-old, still performing the song. DRUNK AUDIENCE MEOW!! WIDE - It's a small, hip New York nightclub. ANDY "And the bird says..." DRUNK AUDIENCE TWEET!! ANDY "And the lion goes..." DRUNK AUDIENCE ROAR!! ANDY "And that's the way it goes!" (he grins) Thank you. Goodbye! Andy waves and bows. There's faint scattered applause. Andy sighs. An irritated MANAGER steps onstage. He shoots Andy a disgruntled look, then takes the mike. MANAGER The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman, Ladies and Gentlemen! In the b.g., Andy starts packing up his props: Hand puppets, conga drums, a phonograph... it all goes into a big bulky case. CUT TO: INT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT The club is empty. At the bar, the manager cleans up. Andy eagerly comes over. Offstage, his presence is soft, placid -- his voice barely above a whisper. ANDY So, Mr. Besserman, same slot tomorrow...? MANAGER (awkward) Eh, I dunno... Andy. I'm... thinkin' of letting you go... ANDY You're firing me?? (beat) You don't even pay me! MANAGER Look -- I don't wanna seem insulting. But... your act is like amateur hour: Singalongs... puppets... playing records... A stunned beat. Andy is hurt. ANDY What do you want? "Take my wife, please"?? MANAGER Sure! Comedy! Make jokes about the traffic. Do impressions. Maybe a little blue material... ANDY I don't swear. I -- I don't do what everyone else does! MANAGER Well, everyone else gets this place cookin'! Pal, it's hard for me to move the booze when you're singin' "Pop Goes The Weasel." Andy stares, disheartened. MANAGER (cont'd) I'm sorry. You're finished here. An uncomfortable beat -- and then Andy starts crying. The manager is dumbfounded. He doesn't know what to do. Tears are rolling pitifully down Andy's cheeks. The manager is confused -- totally disoriented. Shamed, Andy covers his face, then runs out. Silence. The manager stares after him... having no idea what just happened. EXT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - NIGHT Sobbing Andy bursts out the door. He steps onto the sidewalk -- and IMMEDIATELY STOPS CRYING. Just like that. Andy lifts his big case and starts walking. Andy shakes his head angrily. He turns down a dark street, hurrying alone through an unsavory New York neighborhood. But then... TWO MEN appear... silently approaching. Andy stops uncertainly -- debating whether to turn around. But in that second -- the thugs are upon him, glaring menacingly. THUG #1 Give us your wallet. Andy stares fearfully. An anxious moment. He thinks... considering his options. Then, he suddenly stammers in a thick FOREIGN ACCENT. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) I -- doo not unterstand!! THUG #1 Give us your money! ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) What?? What mooney? Abu daboo! I do not have mooney! The thugs glance at each other. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd) Pleaze! I just move to America yezterday! I do not know! THUG #1 What's in the case? ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) NO! Eeet, eet is just perzonal trifles from my homeland -- THUG #2 Shut up! Gimme that thing! The guy snatches the case. He impulsively BREAKS the lock... and clothes, congas and records fall out. The thugs are dismayed. THUG #1 Goddamn immigrants! THUG #2 This guy's pathetic. Let's go. Harsh glances. They angrily turn and leave. Andy takes a nervous breath, then starts picking his things off the street. He shouts after the guys: ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) Tank you veddy much...! CUT TO: EXT. NY IMPROV - 1975 - NIGHT The Improv, the biggest comedy club around. People are lined up, waiting. The man strides up -- GEORGE SHAPIRO, a Hollywood talent manager. George is old school: Bronx accent, shmooze and a hug... but with a surprising sweetness that is quite disarming. A DOORMAN sees him, grins, and waves George in. INT. NY IMPROV, BAR - 1975 - NIGHT The bar is packed with COMICS and SHOW BIZ TYPES. A few turn and smile -- "George!" "Hey, George!" George takes a couple hands, whispers to someone else, then drifts into the... INT. NY IMPROV, SHOWROOM - 1975 - NIGHT Where the show's in progress. Owner BUDD FRIEDMAN sees George and gives him a bear-hug. Then he hustles George to a table. George sits -- and gives the stage his undivided attention. Up there is a WISEASS COMIC. WISEASS COMIC So I'm getting my mother-in-law a special Christmas present: A pre- paid funeral! The mortician asked me if I wanted her buried, embalmed or cremated. I said, "Make it all three! I'm not takin' any chances!" (the crowd LAUGHS) Thank you. Good night! The comic waves and exits. APPLAUSE. George politely claps. A PIANO PLAYER jumps in with an upbeat show tune. We think there's a break... when Andy suddenly, awkwardly steps on stage. He is in character as Foreign Man. Pink jacket, tie, hair slicked back, frightened like a deer in headlights. He puts down his big case, pulls out various junk, and arranges it on chairs. The room hushes, uncertain as to who the hell this guy is. Andy tentatively grabs the mike. The stagefright is agony. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) Now? Now...? (looking around) Tank you veddy much. I am very happy to be here. I tink -- this is a very beautiful place. But one ting I do not like is too much traffic. Tonight I had to come from, eh, and the freeway, it was so much traffic. It took me an hour and a half to get here! Andy chuckles, as if this were a punchline. Silence. The crowd is baffled. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd) But -- talking about the terrible things: My wife. Take my wife, please take her. Yikes. A few NERVOUS LAUGHS. Andy gestures, as if they got the joke. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd) No really, I am only foolink. I love my wife very much. But she don't know how to cook. You know, one time, she make a steak and mashed potato. Ehh, and the night before, she make spaghetti and meatballs. Her cooking is so bad... is terrible. People are embarrassed. Some avert their eyes. A couple hipsters laugh mockingly. George leans forward. Andy wipes the sweat from his brow. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd) Right now, I would like to do for you some imitations. So first, I would like to imitate Archie Bunker. (no change in his voice) "You stupid, everybody ees stupid! Ehh, get, get out of my chair Meathead... go in the, eh, Dingbat get into the kitchen, making the food! Ehh, everybody ees stupid! I don't like nobody, ees so stupid!" Tank you veddy much. (pleased, he proudly bows) Now I would like to imitate Jimmy Carter, the President of the United States. (no change in his voice) "Hello, I am Jimmy Carter, the President of the United States." Some people BOO and walk out. A few giggle, getting into the groove. George is intrigued. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd) And now... I would like to imitate the Elvis Presley. A woman LAUGHS caustically. Andy grins stupidly, then turns his back to us. He presses "Play" on a CASSETTE RECORDER... and the THEME FROM 2001 starts playing. House lights dim dramatically. With a flourish, Andy pulls tape off his pants -- revealing rhinestones. He removes his pink coat -- putting on a white jeweled jacket. He combs his hair. Then he brushes his hair. Then he combs his hair some more. Finally he picks up a guitar, strikes a pose -- and spins around. He is ELVIS. CONFIDENT. SEXY. LIP CURL. DEAD-ON PERFECT. The crowd is blown away. Vegas Elvis INTRO MUSIC suddenly blasts. Andy/Elvis swaggers stage left and takes a bow. Then he goes stage right and takes a bow. Then he returns stage left for another bow. Music STOPS. ANDY (AS ELVIS) Thank you very much. Wow. Flabbergasted, people APPLAUD. This man is Elvis. Suddenly -- "JAILHOUSE ROCK" guitar kicks in. ANDY (AS ELVIS) (cont'd) (SINGING) "Warden threw a party In the county jail! Prison band was there And they BEGAN to WAIL!" ANGLE - GEORGE He is astonished. George cannot quite figure out what's going on... but he wants in. He waves Budd over. Budd leans down, and George WHISPERS. GEORGE Pst. What's the story with this guy? BUDD I think he's Lithuanian. None of us can understand him. George nods admiringly. GEORGE He does a hell of an Elvis. CUT TO: INT. NY IMPROV, BACKSTAGE - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT Andy is packing up his things. He very methodically folds each item of clothing, then checks the creases. George strolls up. GEORGE Hey, I really enjoyed your set. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) Tank you veddy much. GEORGE So I understand you're from Lithuania? ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) No. Caspiar. George is puzzled. GEORGE Caspiar? I haven't heard of that. ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) It's a veddy small island in de Caspian Sea. (beat) It sunk. GEORGE Oh. Hm. I'm uh, sorry. (beat) Well, look, I'm probably out of my mind -- but I think you're very interesting. If you ever need representation... we should talk. George hands him a BUSINESS CARD. Andy reads it -- then his eyes pop. He DROPS the accent. ANDY Mr. Shapiro, it's an honor!! George realizes it's all been an act. He laughs heartily. GEORGE Caspiar, huh?! CUT TO: INT. SOHO HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT A Bohemian health food restaurant, staffed by hippie waitresses in sandals. Andy and George sit together, trying to get a sense of each other. ANDY You see, I want to be the biggest star in the world. George is surprised at this hubris. GEORGE People love... comedians. ANDY I'm not a comedian. I have no talent. (he shrugs) I'm a song-and-dance man. George looks up at Andy -- and inexplicably there is a giant MOIST BOOGER hanging from Andy's nostril. George cringes. He doesn't know what to say. A waitress brings over two plates of awful 70's HEALTH FOOD -- seaweed, beans, stringy paste. George frowns. Andy beams. ANDY (cont'd) Mmm! I particularly recommend the Lotus root. Andy pulls out a little Handi-wipe and cleanses his hands. Then he starts arranging the food in compulsive little piles: Beans in pinwheel shapes. Sprouts in piles. George peers at the bizarre food behavior. GEORGE You show a lot of promise... but... my concern is I don't know where to book you. You're not a stand-up... your act doesn't exactly translate to films... help me... where do you see yourself? ANDY (bright) I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall. George is unsure if that's a joke. GEORGE Yeah, ha-ha. That's funny. Andy dips his silverware in the water glass. Two dunks, then he dries it with his napkin. George stares, perplexed. He looks back up -- and Andy's booger has suddenly switched nostrils. Huh? ANDY See, I don't want easy laughs. Andy's about to eat -- but first bows his head in silent prayer. George raises an eyebrow. Andy snaps his head back up. ANDY (cont'd) I want gut reactions! I want that audience to go through an experience. They love me! They hate me! They walk out -- it's all GREAT! Andy triumphantly eats a bean. George peers, unable to take the booger anymore. He hands Andy a napkin and points to his nose. Andy nods, removes the rubber booger, and carefully puts it in a little box. ANDY (cont'd) After I'm famous, I can sell these as "Worn by Andy Kaufman." And at that... George is won over. He smiles broadly. GEORGE You're insane. (then sincere) But -- you might also be brilliant. Alright, Andy... let's do it. George warmly extends his hand. Andy slowly smiles, then takes George's hand. The men shake. A moment of supreme importance. EST. BEVERLY HILLS - DAY The glitz strip of Los Angeles. Money. Beauty. INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY Real working showbiz offices. No glamour at all. It looks more like an insurance agency. George sits in his office, reassuring someone on the phone. GEORGE Sammy, opening for David Brenner is a fine gig. You'll be on the road... get some exposure... O.S., a SECRETARY shouts out. SECRETARY (O.S.) Tony Clifton on the phone! GEORGE Who? SECRETARY (O.S.) He says he's an associate of Andy Kaufman's. GEORGE Oh. (back to the phone) Sammy, think about it. I gotta go. (he punches a line) Hello? George Shapiro here. On the phone, a STACCATO, ABRASIVE NASAL VOICE blares. TONY CLIFTON (V.O.) Uh, yeah. Is this GEORGE SHAPIRO? GEORGE (beat) Er, yes. Speaking. TONY CLIFTON (V.O.) "Speaking"! Reeking, seeking, creaking... Freaking! George is baffled. GEORGE Can I help you with something? TONY CLIFTON (V.O.) Yeah! You stay away from that Andy Kaufman, if you know what's good for you! GEORGE (stunned) Who is this? TONY CLIFTON (V.O.) You -- you know damn straight who it is. Tony Clifton! A name to respect. A name to fear. (beat) Beer. Gear. Deer. Ear. GEORGE Look... I don't know what your problem is... TONY CLIFTON (V.O.) Kaufman's a lying bastard! If you sign him, I'll RUIN YOU! CLICK. Clifton hangs up. George is bewildered. INT. MEDITATION INSTITUTE UNIVERSITY, CLASSROOM - DAY The light is magical. Soothing SITAR music plays. Andy and fifteen other BAREFOOT STUDENTS sit on mats in a semi- circle. Eyes shut, bodies in different yoga positions, they are all meditating. Facing them on a throne-like chair sits a reverent, Indian YOGI. At his feet is the class teacher, LITTLE WENDY, a teeny lady with an absurdly high-pitched voice. LITTLE WENDY Now, while continuing your deep breathing, slowly open your eyes. You should feel rested, relaxed, and alert. The students all open their eyes. YOGI Do any thoughts come...? STUDENT #1 My mind is clear. I feel great. YOGI Good... STUDENT #2 All the tension is gone from my body. The Yogi's eyes go to Andy. Andy smiles sweetly. ANDY I want to thank you, your Holiness. My heart is radiating with pure energy. The Yogi nods kindly. YOGI You always had a good heart. But I'm proud of the progress you've made in your discipline. ANDY Yes. TM got me focused. In fact, my manager got me a TV gig! It's just some new show with no budget, but I'm still excited. Oh. The Yogi peers intently. YOGI Are you at peace with your family? ANDY Um, yes. I haven't fought with them, since I started here. YOGI Goals are important. ANDY I stopped drinking. I gave up drugs. And I'm meditating three hours a day. It's the center of my life... YOGI We are all impressed. Andy smiles beatifically. This means a lot. LITTLE WENDY Okay. Anyone else --? ANDY Oh, wait! I have a question. (beat; working up his nerve) Is there... is there a secret to being funny? Huh? The Yogi thinks hard... squinching up his face. Then... he finally speaks. YOGI Yes. Silence. CUT TO: INT. SNL SET - NIGHT An AUDIENCE sits, waiting for the commercial to end. TECHIES tweak lights. CAMERAMEN get ready. Sitting in VIP seats are Andy's FAMILY. Stanley and Janice are in their late 50's, Michael and Carol in their 20's. They're all anxious. CAROL I still can't believe my brother's gonna be on TV...! JANICE I hope he doesn't get nervous. STANLEY What's the difference? This thing's on in the middle of the night -- no one's even gonna see it. The commercial ends, and the "APPLAUSE" sign blinks. The crowd APPLAUDS. An "ON THE AIR" sign lights up. HOST Welcome back to Saturday Night Live! And now, as a special treat on our first show... musical guest ANDY KAUFMAN!!! The SNL orchestra starts the intro into a song. Andy enters the stage with a boom box, and positions himself in front of the microphone. When the vocals are supposed to start, Andy doesn't open his mouth. Instead he looks around -- frightened. The band stops... and starts again. Andy remains mute. The Band stops again. INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT The SNL producer, LORNE MICHAELS, looks worried. LORNE MICHAELS What's happening to him? INT. SNL SET - NIGHT At that moment, Andy puts the boom box down and blares it loudly. The THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" plays -- but Andy just blankly stands there. He's purposefully doing nothing. MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) "Although we are in danger, We never despair, Because we know where there is danger He is there!" The audience is puzzled. The Kaufmans are alarmed. INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT Lorne Michaels is panicked. LORNE MICHAELS Oh my God, he's doing nothing. It's dead air...! INT. SNL SET - NIGHT BACK ON ANDY. MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) "We're not worrying at all. We're just listening for his call..." Then SUDDENLY -- Andy comes to life and triumphantly LIP SYNCS. MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd) "Here I come to save the day!" Shocked, the crowd HOWLS with LAUGHTER. Then instantly -- Andy resumes his blank expression. MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd) "That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!" The audience SCREAMS with glee. The tune ENDS, and the audience APPLAUDS CRAZILY. Delighted, Andy grins and bows. The Kaufmans clap the hardest. Stanley locks eyes with Andy... and the beaming father smiles the proudest of all. CUT TO: INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY George jumps from his desk. Andy is walking in. GEORGE Andy, c'mon IN! Thanks for flyin' out here!! ANDY The stewardess let me keep my headphones. GEORGE That's... terrific! But I got something better. This is BIG... (giddy; milking the moment) You are getting a once-in-a- lifetime, unbelievably lucrative opportunity to star on... a PRIMETIME NETWORK SITCOM!!!! Andy's smile drops. He freezes up. ANDY Sitcom...? GEORGE And this is a CLASS ACT! It's the guys who did the Mary Tyler Moore and Bob Newhart shows! It takes place in a taxi stand! And you're gonna be the Fonzie! ANDY (confused) I'm -- Fonzie? GEORGE NO! The Fonzie! The crazy breakout character! The guy that all the kids impersonate and put on their lunchboxes! ANDY (soft) George, I hate sitcoms. GEORGE HANG ON, you ain't heard the best part! ABC has seen your foreign man character, and they want to turn him into -- (he checks his notes) "Latka," a lovable, goofy mechanic!!! Long pause. Then -- Andy responds. ANDY No. GEORGE "No"? "No" to which part?? ANDY No to the whole thing. None of it sounds good. George is flummoxed. GEORGE Andy... this is every comedian's dream. ANDY I told you, I'm not a comedian. And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment: Stupid jokes and canned laughter. GEORGE (shocked) B-but, this is classy... they did Bob Newha-- ANDY I'm not interested. I want to create my own material. Beat. George glares. GEORGE You have to do it. ANDY I refuse. GEORGE (he explodes) LISTEN, you arrogant putz! I've been in this business for twenty years! I know! If you walk away from this opportunity, you will never, NEVER see another one like it again!!!! Long pause. Andy stares at George, amazed at this passion. Then Andy gets up and looks around the office. He stares at the awards... the gold records... emblems of success and experience. Andy thinks -- then nods. ANDY Okay. Fine, I'll do it. (beat) But I have a few terms. GEORGE (relieved) Of course! That's what negotiations are for. Andy starts to write on a piece of paper. GEORGE (cont'd) What are you doing? ANDY Writing down my terms. George watches patiently. Andy clicks his pen, done. George smiles and takes the list. He scans it... then his face gets totally befuddled. GEORGE Are you makin' fun of me --? This is RIDICULOUS! ANDY (blasé) Those are my terms. GEORGE They're IMPOSSIBLE!! Jesus! (he points at one item) I mean -- "two guaranteed guest shots for Tony Clifton"??! Who is this TONY CLIFTON?! ANDY He's a Vegas entertainer. I used to do impressions of him. We sorta... got in a fight over that. George gets a look. GEORGE This Clifton called me up. He's a loon! He HATES you! ANDY Nah, he just talks tough. But I owe him one. Andy smiles ingenuously, then turns stern. ANDY (cont'd) If I'm the new Fonz... ABC's just gonna have to give me what I want. (a sarcastic FONZIE IMPRESSION) Heyyyyyy! George winces. He stares at the list. INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY George sits across a conference table from three NETWORK SUITS. He stoically reads the men his demands. GEORGE Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half the episodes. (beat) Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 minutes of meditation prior to filming. (beat) Mr. Kaufman won't rehearse. (beat) Mr. Kaufman gets his own network Special. The execs are stupefied. Finally -- George delivers the clincher. GEORGE (cont'd) And Taxi must guarantee two guest appearances to... Tony Clifton. NETWORK GUYS WHO??? GEORGE Tony Clifton. NETWORK GUY #1 Who is he?! GEORGE (solemn) I don't know. Long pause. The execs stare at George like he's lost his mind. GEORGE (cont'd) But Andy says he's fabulous. (awkward) He also says, these are the terms. The execs' leader, MAYNARD SMITH, shudders hopelessly. NETWORK GUY #2 Couldn't Kaufman ask for more money, like everyone else? George slowly, sadly shakes his head: No. Maynard glances at his team -- then frowns. MAYNARD (cont'd) George, we don't book phantom performers. The deal's off. INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY GEORGE throws his attaché case on the desk, then slumps into his chair. He picks up the phone and dials. GEORGE Andy? ANDY (O.S.) Hi George! GEORGE Eh, hi, Andy. Look, this Tony Clifton... is he performing anywhere? ANDY (O.S.) Of course. (beat) But only on Monday nights. GEORGE That's alright. Where...? INT. MAMA ROMA'S - NIGHT Mama Roma's, a dark Italian restaurant with red booths, wise guys, and cigarette smoke. The Maitre'd guides George to a booth. A small BAND fills the "stage" -- a six-foot space in the back of the room. The lights dim. A BLARING ANNOUNCER speaks. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now, Mama Roma's is proud to present International Singing Sensation... a man who has sold more records than Elvis and the Beatles combined... George is skeptical. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd) Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Entertainment... TONY CLIFTON! The DRUMMER starts a drum roll. Patrons APPLAUD. A LIGHT SPOT hits the entrance area... and nobody enters. The spot is waiting... waiting... still waiting... until the drum roll slows down and stops. The announcer BOOMS again. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd) Ladies and Gentlemen, out of respect for Mr. Clifton's vocal demands, could everyone please extinguish your cigarettes and cigars. The crowd GRUMBLES angrily -- then irritably complies. One ANGRY GUY thrusts his cigar into a water glass. ANGRY GUY Goddamn, I paid five dollars for this. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now! A man who needs no introduction... TONY CLIFTON! The band starts playing lounge standard "VOLARE". And then, obnoxious TONY CLIFTON swaggers out. Tony has a rubbery face, black wig and moustache, sunglasses, a padded belly, and a peach tuxedo with blue shirt and velvet piping. Tony stops, smirks at the audience, and sucks on a cigarette. He blows smoke rings at them. TONY CLIFTON Heh-heh. How ya all doin'? The crowd is furious. ANGRY GUY Fuck you! People light back up and start talking. Tony ignores the ruckus. He starts SINGING, pinched and off-key. TONY CLIFTON (singing) "Volare! Whoa, whoa. Cantare, Whoa whoa whoa whoa." George winces. He's horrible. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) (singing) "I got the wings of your love, I got the wings of a dove. I got the... uh... (forgetting the words) ... the chicken wings from Eh, Kentucky Fried..." The band is lost. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) Oh. Whoop do doo, Whoop de di, Stick a needle in your eye... The band gives up and stops. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) Eh, the hell with that song. One person CLAPS. Most BOO. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) So how ya doin'! (leering) How ya doin' over here? How ya doin' over there? (he approaches a WOMAN) How's that pasta carbonara? WOMAN Leave me alone. TONY CLIFTON Okay! (he spins around) So, you havin' a good time, sir?! Tony approaches a LONELY SAD SACK sitting at the bar. Tony thrusts his mike at the guy. SAD SACK Sure... TONY CLIFTON What's your name? SAD SACK Bob. TONY CLIFTON (he reacts as if this is enormously funny) "Bob"? BOB! Bob bob bob. (beat) Bob what? SAD SACK Bob Gorsky. TONY CLIFTON "Gorsky"? What is that, Polish? SAD SACK (meek) Yes. Tony gets indignant. TONY CLIFTON Are you tryin' to do some of that Polack humor? Well if that's so, you can just get the hell out of this restaurant! SAD SACK (timid) It's my name. TONY CLIFTON SHUT UP! I hate them Polish jokes! People are embarrassed. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) I do a clean show! Like, I wouldn't do that one... oh, you know it... "What do you call a pretty girl in Poland"? SAD SACK (he giggles stupidly) A -- a tourist. TONY CLIFTON See, that's EXACTLY what I'm talkin' about! (enraged) Here! I'LL give you a little humor! Tony snatches Bob's water glass and POURS IT over his head! George is appalled. The crowd is aghast. Bob is wet. People BOO AND HURL THINGS. Bob starts weeping, then bolts up and runs from the building. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) And stay out, Fatso! The room erupts, outraged. George covers his face, looking ill. Suddenly, Tony snaps at him. ANDY And YOU. I wanna see you backstage! George is rattled. INT. MAMA ROMA'S, KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT The kitchen staff is working. George wanders around... then finally spots Tony, back to us, eating pasta at the employees' table. Aggravated, George aggressively steps up. GEORGE Alright, I'm here. What do you want? Tony puts down his fork. He pauses... slowly turns around... and is Andy. George GASPS. His eyes bulge. Andy smiles innocently. He gestures to an empty seat. ANDY Are you hungry? George is breathing heavily, like someone about to have a heart attack. His brain melting, he shakily reaches for a chair and sits. George glances down. Lying alongside the food is Tony's rubber face. GEORGE I... I-I don't understand this act. ANDY (in jolly spirits) It's good old-fashioned entertainment. Everyone loves a villain. GEORGE Yeah? Well tell that to the poor schlub who you humiliated! Beat -- then Bob strolls over. His real name is BOB ZMUDA. ZMUDA Hey Andy, good show. ANDY Oh George, this is Bob Zmuda. Bob and I have been buddies for years. George gapes. On closer inspection, Bob is cocky, aloof, and conniving. He and Andy grin naughtily at each other. ZMUDA That was a really hot house! GEORGE So your name's not Gorsky. ZMUDA Don't believe everything you hear. George thinks about this -- then laughs. CUT TO: INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY Maynard and the ABC suits sit at the table, mesmerized. George is confidentially whispering to them. GEORGE This has to stay in the room... but here's the thing: Andy is Tony. And Tony is Andy! They'll deny it up and down, but I swear to God, they're the same person! (with urgency) It's smart business! You'll get two Andy Kaufmans for the price of one! Maynard thinks about this, quite methodically. A beat, and then he cracks a smile... INT. ALPHA BETA SUPERMARKET - NIGHT 1 a.m. in the supermarket. Just a few people linger... including Andy, who's at the Space Invaders videogame. Andy stares intently at the screen, eyes piercing, fingers hammering the buttons while he blows up Martians. Andy is oblivious to all around him. In the b.g., George suddenly enters. He looks around the market, then spots Andy. He feverishly runs up. GEORGE Andy! ANDY (still playing the game) What's up? George grins crazily, ecstatically. GEORGE Andy... THEY SAID YES! They agreed to it all! They thought your terms were a shining example of your "irreverent wit" -- and precisely why they want you! (beat) You're getting EVERYTHING! Whoa. Andy looks up, astonished. His space station EXPLODES, but he doesn't notice. He turns to George... and slowly smiles sweetly. Genuinely. ANDY Well thank you very much...! CUT TO: INT. TAXI SET - DAY The first week of "TAXI." The CAST rehearses on the Taxi set. PRODUCERS watch from the bleachers. (The actual TAXI scene will be determined.) JUDD HIRSCH, TONY DANZA, and MARILU HENNER read their lines. Then... a bored BLACK STAND-IN reads Latka's line. The cast glances around. Tony Danza loses his temper. TONY DANZA Man, this is bullshit! (he marches up to the PRODUCER) Where's Kaufman? Why isn't he here?? One producer stands. This is tightly-wound ED WEINBERGER. ED You'll see him on Friday when we shoot. Now run the lines with Rodney. An angry beat. The actors resume... INT. TAXI SET - DAYS LATER The AUDIENCE is filtering in. They fill the studio bleachers. INT. TAXI SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY Actors mingle outside the dressing rooms. JUDD HIRSCH I'm taking bets we do the show with the stand-in. MARILU HENNER No, I hear Andy arrived. Rumor is he's locked inside his dressing room. Judd is surprised. INT. TAXI SET, ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Andy is meditating. He's tranquil, at total inner peace. Silence -- until a little clock radio CHIRPS. Andy snaps his eyes open. He exhales a few calm breaths, then sits upright. Andy reaches for a sealed envelope, rips it open, and removes a SCRIPT. Andy sighs, opens the script, and starts scanning the pages like a speedreader. INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY Bleachers are full. They're now filming TAXI (the same scene as earlier). On cue, Andy enters as LATKA -- wide- eyed, endearing, in mechanic's overalls. Andy is hilarious. The crowd HOWLS with laughter. MONTAGE - TAXI In quick succession, a series of Andy's best Latka moments. He's beloved. The applause grows louder, louder, LOUDER... INT. TAXI SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY TAXI curtain calls. The whole cast takes bows, then runs offstage. Everyone is grinning -- except Andy. He soberly strolls up to Zmuda. ANDY I'm gonna quit. ZMUDA What?!? ANDY Each show is worse than the next. ZMUDA Are you nuts?! 40 million people watch you every week! ANDY So? What do they know? ZMUDA Absolutely nothing! That's the beauty! (he lowers his voice) It's credibility. You make them love you... and then later, on your special, you'll screw with their heads! Hmm?! Andy raises an eyebrow. CUT TO: INT. MAYNARD SMITH'S OFFICE - LA - DAY The power office of Maynard Smith, the powerful ABC exec. He shouts into a phone. MAYNARD I don't care! Travolta signed a contract, he's a Sweathog for life!... Oh yeah? Just try to sue us. He HANGS up. His ASSISTANT peeks her head in. ASSISTANT Sir, they're having a problem down on the Kaufman Special. They say he's not following the... technical requirements. Maynard is baffled. MAYNARD "Technical"??? INT. "KAUFMAN SPECIAL" SET, TECH BOOTH - SAME TIME Andy is in a booth, arguing with a HEAVYSET TECHNICIAN. Zmuda watches and eats a banana. ANDY It's my show! Now make it roll! TECHNICIAN NO! Maynard strolls up, buttoning his suit jacket, irritated as he walks around Little Wendy meditating in front of a ring of candles. MAYNARD Andy, I hear fabulous things about the Special... (a delicate pause) Eh, I understand we've hit a teeny speedbump? TECHNICIAN (harried) Yeah, Kid Genius told me to mess with the horizontal hold! He wants the picture to roll! Maynard doesn't exactly understand. MAYNARD Show me. The technician pushes a button. ON THE MONITOR - Andy's image briefly appears. ANDY (ON-SCREEN) And now... in her television debut, the incredible Chubby Rosalie!! At that moment, Andy's image starts rolling across the screen, until it disappears into a blur of static... ANDY (happy) It'll be great. The viewer will think their TV is broken. They'll get out of their chair, they'll twist the knobs, they'll hit the TV, but they won't be able to fix it! Maynard stares at the monitor. The totally indecipherable picture still rolls. A glum pause. MAYNARD Andy... we don't want the viewer to get out of their chair. They might change the channel. ANDY But it's funny! It's a practical joke. They'll get frustrated! Andy beams giddily. Maynard gazes dully, struggling to reason. MAYNARD Andy... uhh... this network has a long-standing policy: The viewer must be able to see the program. ANDY But it's only for thirty seconds! Beat. MAYNARD Five. ANDY Twenty! MAYNARD Ten. ANDY Deal. Both men quickly extend their hands and shake. Maynard nods and leaves. Beat. Then, Andy pulls out a Handi-wipe and cleans his palm. A STUDIO PAGE walks over. He has a huge MAIL BAG. STUDIO PAGE Mr. Kaufman, do you want your mail? Andy looks up -- and his face lights up like Christmas. INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DAY Andy's crappy apartment, which looks like a dorm room: Cheap furniture, stained carpet, and a framed photo of the Maharishi. Andy lies on his bed, which is covered with THOUSANDS OF LETTERS. He happily chats on the phone. ANDY ... Yes, it's Andy Kaufman!... Really! ...I got your fan letter... So you like the show? Your letter said I was silly. Did you think I was too silly?... Oh good. I'm glad. Andy holds a letter which has a GIRL'S SNAPSHOT stapled to it. He is very nervous. ANDY (cont'd) It was real nice of you to send your picture, Mimi... 'Cause you knew what I looked like... and now, I know what you look like! Andy flips the letter over. He glances at the return address. ANDY (cont'd) So, um... San Bernardino... (beat) That's just a couple hours away, isn't it...? EXT. SAN BERNARDINO, DOWNTOWN - DUSK The sun is setting. In an ugly shopping district, Andy walks along with sexy, wholesome MIMI. MIMI ... so after I finish junior college, I'll go to work for my dad's accounting firm. Unless, I decide to live with my friend Valerie, but she wants to move to Anaheim, and I don't want to do that. A disinterested beat. ANDY Oh. Another beat. ANDY (cont'd) So do you wanna wrestle? MIMI Excuse me -- ? ANDY Do you wanna wrestle? It's a good way of breaking the ice. (pause) That instant physical intimacy really brings two people together. Mimi is bewildered, and offended. MIMI What are you talking about?! We just met an hour ago. ANDY (calm) No no no, it's not sex! I mean -- it can lead to sex... but really, it's just wrestling. MIMI I don't wanna talk about it! An awkward silence. They continue walking. She points up. MIMI (cont'd) The sunset is really beautiful. ANDY What do you mean? MIMI (a bit offput) I mean -- uh -- the colors in the sky are so vibrant. I love this time of day. ANDY (he shrugs dully) I've never understood that. It's just... getting dark. (pause) But I like you! Hey! Why don't we fill the car with gas, drive to Tijuana, and GET MARRIED??? ANGLE - MIMI Fear. She shivers, then hoarsely speaks. MIMI I think I wanna go home. CUT TO: INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY George screens Andy's TV Special for Maynard and his team. The network execs look constipated. ON THE TV - Andy speaks tenderly, lovingly to Howdy Doody. ANDY (ON TV) You know... I was once in your gallery. I was just sitting there and I wanted to touch you. I was kind of depressed because I could see what everyone was like, and I was wondering if, now, maybe I could... touch you. Very gently, Andy touches Howdy's cheek and starts weeping. THE EXECS -- are horrified. ANDY (ON TV) (cont'd) Howdy, I've been watching you ever since I was a little boy... (choked up, nervous) You're the first friend from television I ever had. I always wanted to meet you... and now ...I finally am. EXEC #2 This is NOT funny. EXEC #3 (ominous) "Artsy Fartsy shit"... GEORGE (worried at this response) No... eh, the Special isn't all like this... just wait... it will be hysterical. At that moment, the picture turns to FUZZY SNOW. Maynard scowls. MAYNARD Christ! We're the Number One Network -- can't we afford decent TVs?! Maynard angrily jumps and POUNDS on the TV. BANG, BANG! George winces -- then mutters awkwardly. GEORGE No, um... it's part of the snow. An awful beat. Maynard is embarrassed. Finally -- he explodes. MAYNARD Tell Kaufman we will NEVER air this program!! INT. JERRY'S DELI - NIGHT A delicatessen. Andy wears an apron and angrily cleans tables. He stacks dirty dishes and wipes up the food. Two BLUE COLLAR GUYS gesture from a booth. BLUE COLLAR GUY 1 Excuse me, could I please have more coffee? ANDY Yeah, yeah, in a sec'. (he lugs the dishes to the kitchen) That was decaf, right? The guy nods. Andy hurries over with the coffeepot and starts pouring. BLUE COLLAR GUY 1 You know, you look just like Andy Kaufman. ANDY Yeah, I get that all the time. Andy hurries off. The guy's buddy leans in, whispering. BLUE COLLAR GUY 2 I'm telling you, it's him. BLUE COLLAR GUY 1 You wanna bet?? If that was him, he wouldn't be workin' here, pouring my coffee! NEAR THE KITCHEN Andy dumps out wet coffee grounds. He is sweating. In the b.g., George enters the restaurant. He sees Andy, sits at a table and YELLS OUT. GEORGE Hey! Could you clear this table and bring me a piece of poundcake? Andy turns. They stare down each other. GEORGE (cont'd) Andy, this is ridiculous. Take off that apron. ANDY (infuriated) NO! I'd rather work here, than at ABC. There's no lying in a restaurant. They don't promise you a job as a cashier, then suddenly make you a frycook! Andy hurries off with a water pitcher. George chases him. GEORGE Look, I'm sorry. They're assholes! But we work in a creative business. You can't predict what people are gonna like -- ANDY The ONLY reason I did Taxi was so I could have my own Special! GEORGE (trying to calm him) Tell you what. I'll book you on some concerts, and meanwhile, we'll show the Special around... see if somebody wants to buy it -- ANDY (bitter) Yeah, we can have a garage sale. "Hey look, I got a floor lamp and a network TV Special for only fifty cents!" A glum moment. Andy fills water glasses. ANDY (cont'd) How long is left on my Taxi contract? GEORGE You signed for five years -- (awkward) So four years, seven months. ANDY (he looks up) Okay... I'll go back. But just let them know, first they ain't gettin' Latka. They're gettin' Tony! CUT TO: EXT. TEXAS A&M COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT A marquee says "TEXAS A&M PRESENTS - ANDY KAUFMAN" Inside, a ROAR of APPLAUSE surges. INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - SAME TIME Andy is walking onstage. The excited CLAPPING swells. He's a gigantic presence to these people. Andy smiles and bows. ANDY Thank you. It's great to be here. We're going to have a very nice time. We'll sing some songs -- SORORITY GIRL DO LATKA!! Andy reacts, perturbed. He struggles to stay composed. ANDY Uh, we'll play with puppets -- DRUNKS IN UNISON LATKA! LATTTTKAAAA!!! Andy scowls. Then -- he loses it. ANDY Excuse me one moment. Andy angrily hurries offstage. INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT Zmuda is with the congas and props. Andy runs up. ANDY Give me the book. ZMUDA (startled) No! Andy, don't do it -- ANDY They're asking for it. Andy fiercely GRABS a small book from Zmuda. Zmuda cringes. INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT Andy strides back out. He gazes at the crowd. ANDY Since you're such a special audience... I'm going to reveal, for the first time ever, the real me. (he goes into a CLIPPED BRITISH ACCENT) I'm actually British. I was raised in London and educated at Oxford. And though I dabble in clowning, I do find it so boorish. So... American. (beat) I prefer the fine arts. Henceforth, tonight, I'd like to grace you with a reading of the greatest novel ever written! (he holds up the book) "The Great Gatsby", by F. Scott Fitzgerald!! BEAT. Heh? The crowd isn't quite clear if this is good or bad. A confused murmur. ANDY (BRITISH) (he cracks open the book) Chapter One. (he starts READING) "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages you've had.'" There's a little NERVOUS LAUGHTER. Is he really gonna read this? ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd) "He didn't say any more, but we've always been unusually communicative in a reserved way, and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that..." Suddenly, somebody from the audience screams: FRAT BOY IN AUDIENCE LATKA!!! The audience ROARS approvingly. Andy stops reading and looks at the student. He smiles. ANDY (AS LATKA) Tank you veddy much!!!! The audience APPLAUDS enthusiastically. Andy waits until the applause dies and goes back to the book. ANDY (BRITISH) "When I came back from the East last autumn, I felt that I wanted the world to be in uniform and at a sort of moral attention forever; I wanted no more riotous excursions with privileged glimpses into the human heart..." People start BOOING. Andy looks up. ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd) Please, let's keep it down. We have a long way to go. (he resumes reading) "Only Gatsby, the man who gives his name to this book, was exempt from my reaction - Gatsby, who represented everything for which I have an unaffected scorn..." The crowd is incredulous. INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT ANDY (BRITISH) Chapter Two. The crowd is horribly bored. INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE - NIGHT The clock says 11:30. The PROMOTER glares at Zmuda. PROMOTER Is he ever going to stop? ZMUDA (dour) Sure. When he reaches "The End." INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT People are streaming out. Maybe fifty are left. Andy realizes this -- but is committed. He must continue. ANDY (BRITISH) "Tom was evidently perturbed at Daisy's running around alone, for on the following Saturday night he came with her to Gatsby's party. Perhaps his presence gave the evening its peculiar quality of oppressiveness..." A weak VOICE feebly shouts: WEAK VOICE Do Latka. Andy looks up, shocked. Insulted, he "blows his temper." ANDY (BRITISH) Look! I don't have to tolerate this impoliteness! Forget it -- I'm gonna stop the show. GOODBYE! He slams the book shut. People CHEER. Andy starts to storm off -- then turns. ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd) No, no, I'm only fooling. The audience GROANS. ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd) I'll tell you what. Would you rather have me continue reading or would you like to hear the phonograph record? The audience ROARS for the record. Andy smiles, puts the needle on and to everyone's horror more "Gatsby" comes out. ANDY (BRITISH-FROM THE RECORD) "His presence gave the evening its peculiar quality of oppressiveness - it stands out in my memory from Gatsby's other parties that summer..." DISSOLVE TO: INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - LATER THAT NIGHT There are six people left in the audience. Andy reads on. ANDY (BRITISH) "Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning - So we beat on, boats against the current borne back ceaselessly into the past." Andy somberly shuts the book. ANDY (BRITISH) (cont'd) The End. A moment of quiet personal euphoria. Andy looks enraptured, the man who has just climbed Everest. A pause -- but no applause. It's dead silence. Andy looks out... and realizes the few audience members are asleep. Andy shrugs, then shuffles off-stage. In the wings, Zmuda snores loudly in a folding chair. EXT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM - DAWN Andy and Zmuda walk out, Zmuda squinting groggily. They drag the suitcase containing the props. They walk slowly towards their rental car, the campus totally deserted. ZMUDA Nobody likes anarchy more than me... but this is science fiction! Andy nods uncomprehendingly. ANDY Let's get some breakfast. CUT TO: INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY George is yelling at Andy and Zmuda. They are seated on his couch, heads bowed in shame. GEORGE What kind of show was this??! (angrily reading off a LIST) There were three-hundred walkouts! The promoter wants a refund! Andy mumbles in a pipsqueak whimper. ANDY I'm sorry, George... GEORGE You're DAMN RIGHT you're sorry! (turning on Zmuda) And you -- you're the road manager! You should be watchin' out for him! ZMUDA (a guilty sigh) We might have lost our focus... George paces furiously. GEORGE When you play the Midwest and South, you DON'T MINDFUCK THESE PEOPLE! It's not postmodern -- it's rude. (beat) If you wanna perform in Texas, you give 'em Mighty Mouse! You give 'em Elvis!! ANDY But George, I like to push the boundaries... GEORGE And that's great. But do it in LA and New York! There you experiment! Show up with a sleeping bag and take a nap on stage! I don't care! Hmm. Andy thinks. ANDY How long would they let me sleep? GEORGE I don't know! (he composes himself and lowers his voice to a hush) Andy... you need to look inside: Who are you trying to entertain? The audience... or yourself? ANGLE - ANDY He doesn't know the answer. CUT TO: INT. SHAPIRO/WEST, BATHROOM - DAY Andy is manically washing his hands. Using liquid soap from the dispenser, then rubbing his hands under the water. Then more liquid soap. More rubbing. Then more liquid soap... INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY George sighs at Zmuda. GEORGE I'm worried about Andy. His stress level is affecting his work. ZMUDA (he thinks) Isn't Tony Clifton going on Taxi soon? Maybe that'll chill him out. GEORGE Bob, Andy needs to RELAX. See if you can get him away from all this. Take him to Hawaii, or Bali... Find something special. Something nice... Zmuda mulls this over. CUT TO: EXT. MUSTANG RANCH, NEVADA - DAY A tattered sign says "Welcome to the MUSTANG RANCH." The world-famous whorehouse sits behind a barb-wire fence. Dusty connected trailers sit in the sand. A CAR idles out front. Zmuda and a scared Andy sit inside. ANDY I dunno about this... (worried) What will my mother think? ZMUDA She'll say, "Now my son is a man." ANDY It's so dirty. ZMUDA Nah. The girls sponge off between johns. Andy nods. ANDY Okay. INT. MUSTANG RANCH - DAY The reception room -- wood paneling and black-lite posters. Music is playing. Twenty deadpan HOOKERS are lined up. Andy, nervous as a high school kid, points at one... then another... then the first... ZMUDA Which one? Beat -- then Andy becomes GERMAN, with a monocle and stiff walk. ANDY (GERMAN) I vill haf both! I vill haf dat fraulein... unt... the vun vith the big strudels! The two chosen girls take Andy's hands and lead him off. He reaches the door -- then gives Zmuda a nervous look. Zmuda smiles reassuringly. Andy gulps, and goes in... Beat. Zmuda turns to the older, jaded MADAM. ZMUDA This is a big day. It's my friend's first time with a prostitute. MADAM (mocking) What're you talking about? Andy comes here almost every weekend. Zmuda's jaw drops, stupefied. ZMUDA You're talking about... Andy? MADAM Oh, he doesn't always call himself that. Sometimes he's Tony, and wears a tux. Disbelief -- then Zmuda LAUGHS sharply. He's been conned. INT. MUSTANG RANCH, BEDROOM - DAY Andy and the two hookers are WRESTLING. They grapple and roll around, all three of them in their underwear. Suddenly Andy flips the girls over and pins them with his arms. Breathing hard, he stares down. ANDY You let me win. HOOKER (she giggles sexily) What if we did...?! Andy grins and leans down... ANDY Hey. If I give you three-hundred dollars, will you come to LA and help me destroy a TV show? CUT TO: INT. TAXI SET, REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY The Taxi cast sits irritably around a big table, holding scripts. Ed Weinberger enters. TONY DANZA Where is he? ED He just arrived. CAROL KANE He's an hour late. ED Look, I'm told this Clifton guy is a little eccentric. You're all just gonna have to roll with the punches this week. Suddenly -- the door SLAMS open. Tony bounds in, filthy drunk, clutching a bottle in a brown bag. TONY CLIFTON Taxi! Laxy! Just the factsy, Maxie! Them's all the words that rhyme with taxi!... Right, girls? Little Wendy and the Hooker sashay in, dressed as tarts. Tony feels them up, and they SQUEAL. The cast stares in horror. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) Eh, why the blue faces? You musta read the script! (he chuckles) Well, don't worry! Your pal Tony stayed up all night, writin' some fixes on it. (he pulls out some SCRIBBLED PAGES) I added me a musical number, cut out Judd Hirsch, and changed the location to Mardi Gras! Ed's expression goes ashen. CUT TO: INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY An attempted rehearsal. Tony is tap-dancing on top of a car hood. He does a "fancy" move, and his booze bottle suddenly flies away and CRASHES against the wall. The cast watches, pissed and bored. TONY CLIFTON And now, the new theme song! (he starts SINGING) "Oh yes, we drive a taxi, And we're havin' fun. Yeah, we work together, And we get the freakin' job done." INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - DAY Beleaguered Ed sits with George. ED George, we've lost two days. Filming is on Friday. We HAVE to let him go! GEORGE (worried) I'm not sure how Andy's gonna take this... ED So we'll go downstairs and tell him! He points at Tony, swaggering around on the set. George shakes his head. GEORGE But that's Tony down there. That's not Andy. Trust me, it's like "Sybil" -- Andy's nowhere on the premises! Ed glares. ED Well whoever the fuck that is, I'm firing him! GEORGE (he sighs) Okay. But we'll have to warn Andy first. I think he's up in San Francisco, doing a concert. Heh? Ed raises his eyebrows. CUT TO: INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - SECONDS LATER George is on the phone. Ed hovers. GEORGE (INTO PHONE) Hi, Diane, this is George. I'm trying to reach Andy up in San Francisco. (a stilted pause) Yeah, I'll wait. Ed glances down at the stage... and suddenly Tony is no longer there. He's magically vanished. Beat. George turns on the SPEAKERPHONE, then CLICK! Andy's happy voice pops on the line. ANDY (V.O.) Hi, George! Good to hear from you! GEORGE Hi, Andy. How's the weather up there? ANDY (V.O.) Oh, you know the Bay Area! Always foggy! Ed looks totally off-balance. George winks at him. GEORGE I'm here with Ed over at Taxi. There's been some trouble with Tony. ANDY (V.O.) Oh no! Did he get hurt? ED No, no, Andy, nothing like that. (nervous beat) But... Tony's not fitting in. His style of performance is too... burlesque. INTERCUT: INT. TAXI SET, ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY Tony is on the phone. Little Wendy is busily refilling his whiskey bottle with canned ice tea. He looks up, insulted. TONY CLIFTON (AS ANDY) "Burlesque"? BACK TO: INT. TAXI SET, TECH BOOTH - DAY ED Andy, I'm calling you up like this because I have the utmost respect for your artistry. But -- I need your permission to fire him. ANDY (V.O.) Oh dear! (upset) George, this is gonna kill Tony. He's waited his whole life for this break. GEORGE There'll be other shots. ED Andy, I have to do it. He's a terrible actor. Andy thinks about this. ANDY (V.O.) I guess I understand. But Ed -- please... let him down gentle. ED Yes, Andy, I will. Andy hangs up. A relieved Ed turns to George. ED (cont'd) Thank you. CUT TO: INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY Tony SCREAMS insanely. TONY CLIFTON FUCK YOU! I AIN'T GOIN'!! WIDE Ed is stupefied. The cast stands nervously behind him. ED We had a deal!! TONY CLIFTON I don't know what yer talkin' about. You musta talked to someone else -- ED Yeah!! I talked to Andy Kaufman! TONY CLIFTON I don't know nothin' about no Kaufman. He's been ridin' my coattails, smearing my reputation. Been usin' my good name, to get places. Ed is livid. He gazes harshly at Tony -- Tony's burning eyes piercing through the rubber features. ED Get off my stage! You're fired! TONY CLIFTON I GOT A CONTRACT!! I'm gonna take you to the DEPARTMENT OF LABOR! Suddenly -- FLASH! Ed looks over. A REPORTER has a camera. ED Who're YOU?! REPORTER I'm from the LA Times. We're doing a little puff piece on Mr. Clifton. (beat) Mr. Kaufman arranged it. UP IN THE BLEACHERS - George enters. He looks down at the growing debacle, and winces. Uh-oh. ONSTAGE - Enraged, Ed blows up. ED Security! Escort this man off the lot!! ONSTAGE - Studio SECURITY GUARDS run over. They GRAB Tony. TONY CLIFTON Stop! GETCHER HANDS OFF ME! Tony scuffles. The camera FLASHES. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) LEMME GO! I'M A BIG STAR! IN THE BLEACHERS - George stares at this mess... and starts giggling. ONSTAGE - Two guards drag Tony to the door. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) You'll be SORRY! One day I'm gonna OWN this town!! Tony SCREAMS and gets removed. Dead silence. Then -- ED I don't want those pictures getting out. SECURITY GUARD (to the reporter) This is a closed set. You'll have to give me the film in that camera. The Guard reaches for the camera. An uncertain moment... until Zmuda authoritatively cuts in, from out of nowhere. ZMUDA I'll take care of this. Zmuda takes the camera. He casually starts to make his way for the exit... when Ed suddenly HOLLERS. ED Wait -- he's one of THEM! Zmuda gasps. Two guards go running for him. Zmuda barrels away, trying to escape. The guards chase. Zmuda races by George, and suddenly palms off the camera into George's arms. The guards whip by, oblivious. George grimaces, unclear about his loyalties. He sweatily peers at the timebomb in his hands. And then -- George thrusts it under his jacket. He bolts for the door and feverishly scampers out. EXT. PARAMOUNT LOT - DAY George runs for his life. He knocks aside a rack of costumes and serpentines between people. At the gate, Tony's being dragged, kicking and screaming. TONY CLIFTON Stop! HELP! You wouldn't do this to Wayne Newton -- The guards toss Tony out the gate. He lands in a heap. In the b.g., George crazily flies by. He gets out the exit. EXT. PARAMOUNT LOT, OUTSIDE THE GATES - DAY George doubles over, trying to catch his breath. He glances down... and Tony is lying next to him. Little Wendy and Zmuda run up, out of breath. They all look at each other. There's a moment of understanding. TONY CLIFTON Hey. Good hustlin'. George slowly smiles. INT. TAXI OFFICES - SAME TIME Ed storms in, insanely angry. ED That asshole! That FUCKING BASTARD!! (he SLAMS the door behind him) We had a fuckin' deal, and THAT COCKSUCKER SHAFTED ME!! Ed is seething. His SECRETARY timidly speaks. SECRETARY Um, Ed... you have a phone call -- ED I'M NOT IN! SECRETARY Well, um... it's Andy Kaufman... Heh??! Shaking with fury, Ed stares at the telephone... then slowly picks it up. ED Yeah??? A long pause... then Andy's voice calmly speaks. ANDY (V.O.) You were brilliant. A flabbergasted beat. ED Huh? ANDY (V.O.) You were in the moment. You became a producer losing his mind. (sincerely joyful) It was the best improv I've ever seen. TIGHT - ED He thinks intently about this. And then... amazingly, a magnificent smiles comes over his face. ED Well -- thank you. Pause. ANDY (V.O.) Okay. See you next week. Andy hangs up. Ed just sits there, astounded. CUT TO: INT. LA HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT Andy, Zmuda, George and Little Wendy are squeezed in a booth, laughing and celebrating. They eagerly read the LA Times. INSERT - The headline says "WHO IS TONY CLIFTON?" Below is a PHOTO of Tony being thrown off the Taxi set. They all HOWL. ANDY This is great! It makes Tony REAL - - three-dimensional! It's very good for his career. Zmuda reads one paragraph. ZMUDA "Was this in actuality Andy Kaufman? And if it was Andy Kaufman, is Andy Kaufman crazy?" ANDY (he chortles) Boy, they totally fell for it! I'm only acting crazy! Hmm. A few awkward glances. Then -- Andy grins at his meal. ANDY (cont'd) Boy, this is tasty. (he shouts to a WAITER) Hey, can I please have some more seaweed?! CUT TO: INT. BOOKER'S OFFICE - DAY A slick BOOKER, sitting in a crowded office full of head shots. He's on the phone. He's reading the LA Times story. BOOKER Mr. Shapiro, this is Gene Knight, up at Harrah's Tahoe. We'd like to book Andy Kaufman for our showroom. INTERCUT: INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY George on the phone. GEORGE Ehh -- Andy doesn't really like playing casinos. The audiences don't work well for him. BOOKER (O.S.) Oh. Disappointed beat. The booker thinks. BOOKER (O.S.) (cont'd) What about Tony Clifton? GEORGE (startled) Really?! You want Tony Clifton to headline Harrah's Tahoe?? BOOKER (O.S.) (being tricky) Eh, sure. We're trying to expand our audience base -- and I know the college kids really love Andy Kaufman. George winces. GEORGE Look -- I gotta be clear with you. Tony Clifton is NOT Andy Kaufman. BOOKER (O.S.) Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know! (he LAUGHS merrily) Wink wink! Nudge nudge! GEORGE (frustrated) No, I'm serious. If you book Tony, do NOT EXPECT TO GET ANDY. BOOKER (O.S.) (LAUGHING harder) I'll take my chances!! George rolls his eyes in annoyance. Finally, he shrugs. GEORGE Fine, be my guest! Book him. CUT TO: EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY George is driving in his convertible. Suddenly, something catches his eye -- and in shock he HITS the brakes. Three cars behind him SCREECH crazily, trying not to hit each other. George is oblivious. He's staring up at a BILLBOARD. The BILLBOARD: It says "HARRAH'S TAHOE PRESENTS, ANDY KAUFMAN & TONY CLIFTON! TOGETHER ON STAGE! ONE NIGHT ONLY!" George is flabbergasted. EXT. SUNSET BLVD, PHONEBOOTH - DAY George is shouting into a payphone. GEORGE Gene, you misunderstood!! You're not getting BOTH of them! (upset) It's physically impossible! BOOKER (O.S.) Why's that? You said over and over and over, Tony Clifton is not Andy Kaufman -- GEORGE Yeah, I KNOW what I said! But -- trust me, it's not gonna happen! BOOKER (O.S.) Sure it is. Tony called me himself. He yelled at me, insisting that his dressing room be bigger than Andy's. They're both going on tonight, believe me! George is stupefied. He looks at his watch. CUT TO: EXT. LAKE TAHOE - DUSK Magnificent HARRAH'S dominates the skyline. The marquee blares "TONY CLIFTON AND ANDY KAUFMAN!" George screeches up in a rental car. He jumps out and runs inside. INT. HARRAH'S SHOWROOM - NIGHT The showroom is packed. It hums with curiosity. WAITERS clean off the dinner tables. George rushes in and is seated in a far booth, with some STRANGERS. He overhears a heated conversation between a PUSHY MAN and his WIFE. PUSHY MAN You're not listenin'! It's a VERY simple concept. WIFE OF PUSHY MAN You're making no sense. How can they be the same person --? PUSHY MAN Trust me! You'll never see them on stage at the same time! The onstage ORCHESTRA hits a fanfare. LIGHTS DIM. Sharp SPOTLIGHTS meet at the foot of the stage. Suddenly -- Tony swaggers out, hands over his head in a gesture of triumph. Thunderous APPLAUSE. Tony beams. The music stops. George leans in, curious as to how Andy will wiggle out of this. Tony bows theatrically, turns back to face the orchestra, and waits. The NOISE LEVEL slowly drops -- but not entirely. Tony waits, and waits, and waits... until suddenly he turns towards the audience and SCREAMS FURIOUSLY. TONY CLIFTON SHUT UP!!!!!! Everybody looks up, alarmed. The general murmur almost dies. Tony stands there, eyes flashing with anger at all the unruly people. As they quiet down... Tony turns back to the orchestra and raises his arms. The MUSICIANS lift their instruments. Silence is total -- except for the clank of china. Waiters are serving coffee. Tony spins back around, livid. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) THAT APPLIES TO YOU, TOO, PENGUINS!!! People signal "shh"! The waiters realize Tony's addressing them, and they stare back in disbelief! This is their job! TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) Yeah! Yeah! YOU! I'm talkin' to YOU!! And you better freeze, or I'll get your asses fired!!! Tony's outburst is so commanding that they all freeze. The waiters stand there like statues, staring in terror. Satisfied, Tony burns back to the orchestra and raises his arms. Again, the musicians lift their instruments. In anticipation of loud music, the waiters start moving about. Audience members start whispering. Tony hears this -- and drops his arms and head in despair. The musicians lower their instruments. Tony waits for absolute silence. Only then does he signal the musicians to get ready again. They do. And then at that precise moment -- somebody DROPS a spoon. Tony jolts, as if hit by a current. He drops his hands again, turns, and gives the perpetrator a murderous look. Then he turns again, lowers his head, and waits. And waits. And waits. The man at George's table WHISPERS to his wife. PUSHY MAN He's never gonna start! Kaufman thinks this is funny! (beat) We've paid forty bucks for a show that's never gonna start! George grins stupidly. The silence is now deafening. Slowly, very slowly, Tony raises his arms. Slowly... the musicians get their instruments ready. Tony stands there, and stands, and stands, waiting for something... anything... to disturb the silence. In vain. Somebody COUGHS. The whole scene repeats itself. Finally -- finally -- Tony is surrounded by total silence. Then, (only a moment before the length of this scene would become unbearable), he begins to move. Tony pivots around, looks at the audience... And the entire room looks like Tussaud's Wax Museum. Tony starts LAUGHING hysterically. The audience's reaction is mixed: Some people LAUGH. Some BOO. Some ask perplexed questions. Some SCREAM OBSCENITIES. Some even APPLAUD. Tony is very happy. He turns to the orchestra, raises his baton -- and commences the downbeat! The MUSIC BEGINS. A SPOTLIGHT hits the wings... and then ANDY STRIDES OUT. George's jaw drops. WIFE OF PUSHY MAN You see! I told you! They're not the same person! The whole audience BURSTS INTO APPLAUSE. Life is back to normal. Andy bows shyly and takes his place in front of a prepared row of congas. He starts to play. Tony Clifton grabs the microphone. TONY CLIFTON Thank you! Thank you! I wrote this tune for my friend Frank Sinatra. He had a nice little success with it... but forgot to thank me on the album. He starts to BELT "I Gotta Be Me". George squints his eyes, trying to figure out who this is. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) "Whether I'm right Or whether I'm wrong Whether I find a place in this world Or never belong! I gotta be me! I gotta be me! What else can I be, but what I am?" Tony's singing is awful. Andy happily accompanies on congas. The audience doesn't know what to think. Tony's SINGING reaches the end... aggressive and off-key. TONY CLIFTON (cont'd) Let's bring it on home -- (he hits his screeching CLIMAX) "I GOTTA BE MEEEEEE!" The BAND ends with a brassy punch. The crowd responds with LOUD BOOING. CUT TO: INT. HARRAH'S, BACKSTAGE - LATER THAT NIGHT George wanders the corridor, looking for the dressing rooms. He turns and finds a door marked "KAUFMAN". Next to it is a door marked "CLIFTON". George stares. He thinks, then opens the "KAUFMAN" door. Andy is inside alone, gathering his things. He's pleasantly surprised to see George. George doesn't enter. He goes to the "CLIFTON" door. Andy follows. George opens the mystery door... INT. HARRAH'S, CLIFTON'S DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT and inside, taking off the rubber Tony makeup, is Zmuda. George starts hyperventilating. Shaking, he tries to sit himself down. Andy enters, beaming. George is amazed. GEORGE You're so proud. You're like some retarded kid comin' home from school: "Look, Dad, I got an F!" ANDY But wasn't it funny? GEORGE "Funny"? I dunno. But "intriguing"... "mindboggling"... perhaps "headache-inducing"... sure. (softening) Like, that moment, when you both came onstage... Andy excitedly jumps up and down. ANDY Uh-huh! See, with all these articles, people think they're insiders. They see Tony Clifton, and they say, "Ah, that's really Andy Kaufman." But that spoils it. So NOW, Tony denying being me is the truth! Tony's not me! But maybe he is! The audience will never know... (giddy) They'll think they're laughin' at me -- but actually I'll be laughin' at them, because they're wrong and I'm right! George is dazed. GEORGE So you've got this big elaborate joke, which is really only funny to two people in the universe. (dry) You... and you. ZMUDA Sure! But WE think it's kickass! Now I get to be Tony. I get to dump the glass of water on someone else's head! GEORGE (he turns serious) But what's the POINT? How will any of this make you the biggest star in the world? Hmm. Andy contemplates this. ANDY George... I'm at a stage where the audience expects me to constantly shock them. But short of faking my death, or setting the theater on fire, I don't know what else to do. (thoughtful) 'Cause I've always got to be one step ahead of them. GEORGE But I feel you're extending this philosophy to real life. It's obsessive. Nothing's ever on the level anymore. A perplexed beat. ANDY George, it never was. (pause) Didn't you know that? CUT TO: INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Arnold Schwarzenegger, in his glory days as a body-builder, on the cover of a magazine. Magazines are everywhere. Body- building. Women's. Wrestling. ANDY is sifting through them. Zmuda watches, worried. ANDY Look at this! An evil Russian! Ooo, here's an evil Nazi -- he likes to fight dirty! Hey, here's an evil Japanese guy! ZMUDA What is this, World War Two...? ANDY You know, I always wanted to be a bad-guy wrestler... ZMUDA No offense, pal, but I just don't think you're built for it. These he- men'll kick your ass!! They're huge! Andy's face drops. He realizes Zmuda's right. Beat -- then Andy notices an issue of Sumo Magazine, with a picture of a wrestler and his cute little fiancée on the cover. He slowly lifts it up, intrigued. ANDY Maybe I'll pick on someone smaller than me...! INT. MERV GRIFFIN SHOW - DAY CLOSE UP on Andy and Merv Griffin. Andy wears a goofy wrestling outfit that resembles thermal underwear. He is shouting like a wrestler. ANDY ... And I vow to continue wrestling until I am BEA TEN, in a three- minute match, with my shoulders pinned to the mat!! MERV (nonplussed) By a woman. ANDY Yes! BY A WOMAN! (emphatic) I'm doing this because I feel that a woman cannot beat a man in wrestling. Even if they train with weights... it requires a certain mental ability -- (a clumsy pause) And, uh -- I just don't feel they have that... The audience MURMURS uncomfortably. Andy laughs and backpedals. ANDY (cont'd) No no! Women are superior in many ways. When it comes to cooking and cleaning, washing the potatoes, scrubbing the carrots, raising the babies, mopping the floors, they have it all over men. I believe that! An appalled silence. Merv winces. Some people start BOOING. We can tell Andy is pleased. ANDY (cont'd) But when it comes to wrestling, forget it! If there's a woman that can prove me wrong, come up here. I'll shut my mouth and pay her 500 dollars. Merv baitingly turns to the crowd. MERV Any... volunteers...? WIDE All the WOMEN'S hands angrily shoot up! We move through the crowd, finally picking out... a feisty woman, LYNNE. She mutters, half hateful, half laughing -- LYNNE I wanna kill that jerk. CUT TO: INT. MERV GRIFFIN SHOW - MINUTES LATER Andy and Lynne stand in the ring. She scornfully watches him preen about. Zmuda is in a referee's uniform. ZMUDA (AS REFEREE) Will you please shake hands, go to your corners, and come out wrestling. Lynne extends her hand. Andy fakes a shake -- then snidely refuses and struts away. The crowd HISSES. DING! It's the bell. The match begins. Lynne barrels at him, craving a victory, but terribly unprepared for this experience. Andy immediately grabs her by the legs and flips her over. WHUMP! She's down. Andy has trained for this. Zmuda gets on his knees, watching, trying to look official. Lynne struggles and slithers away. She grabs Andy's arm and forces him down. People CHEER. His torso hits the mat. LOUDER CHEERS. But suddenly he rolls over and pulls her hair! Her head snaps back. The crowd is INCENSED. Zmuda hurries over and pantomimes a stern warning. Andy nods, and they separate. They do a little dance around the ring, Lynne looking for a hole. Suddenly, Andy spins her into a Half-Nelson. Her arms are pinned. They struggle, then he throws her down on her stomach. One! Two! Three! And DING! It's OVER. Andy jumps up and sneers at the crowd. ANDY I'm the winner! I've got the BRAINS! (he points at his head) Now baby, don't fight nature! Get back in the kitchen where you belong!!! Lynne glares. Out of the blue, and old RECORDING OF BOUNCY PIANO MUSIC starts playing. A chicken CLUCKS to the music, and Andy lip- syncs along, doing an obnoxious cock o' the walk around the ring. INT. MERV GRIFFIN SHOW, BACKSTAGE - LATER THAT DAY Lynne is escorted by a GUEST COORDINATOR. Lynne is dazed. The Coordinator hands her a bunch of crap. GUEST COORDINATOR Here's your complimentary photo with Merv. Here's your Turtle Wax -- LYNNE I don't need Turtle Wax.