One Fine Day DAVID LETTERMAN Here's what it is. I heard that my, my son David Jr., you met Dave Jr. on the last -- This is great news. I heard now, I was notified Sunday that David Jr. will be tried as a juvenile for grand theft auto. VOICE Dial 911. SAMMY Mommy. Mom? MELANIE Hmm? SAMMY I'm really thirsty, Mommy. MELANIE Okay. MELANIE Okay? Okay, sweetie. Mmm. Good night. SAMMY Wait! There's one more sip left. MELANIE Half a sip. You don't need it. Good night. SAMMY I do need it. I do need it, Mommy. MELANIE Okay. Now, good night for real, okay? SAMMY Good night, Mom. MELANIE Night-night, honey. SAMMY I'm really excited about the field trip tomorrow. I love big boats. MELANIE That's good. SAMMY The Circle Line is big, right? MELANIE Yeah. SAMMY Good. Mom? MELANIE Shhh. Sleepy time now. SAMMY Is Daddy coming to my soccer game tomorrow? MELANIE He's gonna try, Sammy. Honey, do you remember when I explained to you that daddy has a, uh, different schedule than a lot of other daddies? SAMMY Yeah. MELANIE Well, musicians, they don't always know exactly when they're gonna get a chance to play? So, uh, there's a chance he might not come tomorrow. SAMMY But he's gonna try? MELANIE Yeah, he's gonna try. I love you a million, billion, zillion. SAMMY Do you love him? Huh, Mommy? MELANIE I will always love your daddy because he gave me you. Now go to sleep. SAMMY I can't sleep, Mom. I had a bad dream. MELANIE In just two minutes, you already fell asleep and had a bad dream? MELANIE Ow! Oh, sweetie. Oh, shoot. RADIO I don't even think I knew her. No, I had no idea. I divorced her. KRISTEN Hi, Jack. MAGGIE Dad! JACK Hi. MAGGIE Hi, Daddy! JACK Hey! I got you! Watch your step. KRISTEN Maggie, be careful! MAGGIE I do it all the time, Mom. JACK Does it all the time. KRISTEN I can't believe you still haven't gotten the plumbing fixed, Jack. JACK So what's up, Kristen? KRISTEN Um, well, you know that, um, me and Greg got married last Saturday. JACK Oh, yeah. How's Greg? KRISTEN He's downstairs waiting in the car. Waiting with an ulcer hoping you'll say yes. I need you to watch Maggie for me. JACK Okay. Yeah, I can do that till about six. Would that help? MAGGIE No. KRISTEN Well-- MAGGIE For the whole week, Daddy. The whole week. KRISTEN We were scheduled t-to leave this morning on our honeymoon, but our Nanny called to say t-that, that she's gotta go watch her mother have a benign tumor removed in Ohio. Greg's parents are too old, mine-mine are t-too, too crazy, yours are dead. The tickets are nonrefundable, so that leaves you. JACK Okay. KRISTEN Please, Jack, do this. Please! JACK Kristen. Now you liten. I would love to, but you know, I'm-I'm working on a story right now. So-- KRISTEN You're always working on a story. JACK Well, yeah. It's what I do. KRISTEN It's the same, old one about an every- other-weekend good-time father for whom responsibility is a dirty word. JACK Here's a hint, Kristen? During an attempted manipulation like the one that's in progress, I would've gone with flattery. KRISTEN Why do I always have to be such grownup where you always get to be the little boy? JACK 'Cause in the beginning of the relationship when we were choosing upsides, you chose grownup first. This is how you really want it, Kristen. KRISTEN No, what I really want is -- just once - - for you to make a sacrifice in your career for your daughter. She really want to be with you, Jack. JACK I'd really like to do that. Come here, my little-- Come on. Come here, my little noodle. I'm a creature. Grrr! MELANIE Go pee, wash your hands and face, and brush your teeth. We're in a little bit of a hurry this morning, 'cause we have to take your friend Maggie to school. And we can't be late because of your field trip. SAMMY I hate Maggie. She thinks she's so funny. JACK Maggie? KRISTEN Hey, Jack, here's Maggie's doctor's number. JACK Where are you? KRISTEN And the number of a really good baby- sitter who can help you out tomorrow. She's got a walk-on part on a soap today. And, Jack, there's one last thing. This is really important. My neighbor was supposed to take Maggie to the Westside Montessori School for me this morning. Okay? She lives in my building. Jack. JACK Upp. Hupp! KRISTEN Jack? Apartment 501. This is her number. JACK Okay. KRISTEN Her name is Melanie Parker. JACK Melanie Parker. KRISTEN Now, if you want her to take Maggie to school for you -- if you want her to take Maggie to school for you, bring Maggie to her house before eight, so you don't miss them. If not, call Mel and let her know that you don't need her to take Maggie. Jack, okay? KRISTEN I'm gonna miss my plane. You know, I don't think this is a very good idea. Maybe I should just cancel my honeymoon. JACK Don't cancel your honeymoon. Give me these. KRISTEN Are you sure? JACK Yep. KRISTEN Okay. Uh, those are the telephone numbers. JACK Say hi to Greg. KRISTEN Bye, baby! MAGGIE Bye! JACK Bye, baby. Bye, baby! Oh, baby, oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! SAMMY Come on, Mom. MELANIE Okay. Press 2, honey. SAMMY What? Ah! MELANIE Wonder where they are. JACK Some more? We got s'mores, but we're gonna need some more. We're having a Manhattan camp-out. SAMMY Why don't you bang on the door? MELANIE We can't bang on the door of honeymooners. JACK What time does your school start? MAGGIE I don't know. JACK It probably starts at 9:00. Everything starts at 9:00. You know, we're gonna get there a few minutes early just to be safe. What's street your school on? MAGGIE I don't know. JACK Ha. We're in trouble. SAMMY I'm gonna miss the boat trip, aren't I? MELANIE They're never gonna leave on time. We'll make it. I promise. MELANIE Let's run. Just in case. SAMMY What's it say? JACK "The whole school is on the Circle Line. Sorry we missed you." That's a big "uh- oh," right? SAMMY Mom? MELANIE You must be Kristen's ex-husband. MAGGIE Hi, Sammy. SAMMY Hi, Maggie. JACK You must be, uh-- JACK Okay. You're not, uh, Sheila, the actress/baby-sitter, you're not Maggie's pediatrician, Dr. Feldman. Hey, here you go. "You don't forget to call Melanie Parker." It's underlined three times. We're not quite together this morning. I'm sorry. What do you mean, I must be Kristen's ex-husband? MELANIE Well, that's Kristen's daughter and this is a totally ex-husband thing to do. JACK Well, you would know because that's a totally ex-wife remark. MELANIE You know, I have a day. Taxi! Taxi! JACK Get those fish. Let's go. Come on. MAGGIE Dad! JACK Hold it! Got it! Come on! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Hey, you forgot your fish! Take those. MELANIE Pier 56, please as fast as you can. SAMMY I don't wanna sit next to Maggie. MAGGIE I don't wanna sit next to Sammy. JACK Okay. Come on, let's go. Come on. Over the top. Could you please just take those? Thank you. MELANIE I don't know where you get off having an attitude since it's your fault that both our kids will probably miss their fielf trip. JACK Attitude. MELANIE You know, I'd rather you not take Central Park West. I think Broadway will be faster. JACK My attitude is derived from your attitude. MELANIE "Derived?" You must be a writer. JACK Let me guess. Your ex-husband is a writer. MELANIE No. My ex-husband is a musician. JACK Huh. MELANIE I don't need to see that. I already have an opining of you. JACK And I of you. MELANIE Liza. Liza, thank God you're home. Listen, I-I need to ask you a huge favor. LIZA Melanie? Is that you? MELANIE Yeah. LIZA You sound awful. Where are you? Don't answer. I can't talk right now. I'm on the other line organizing Kyle's Fun Run. Bye, honey. MELANIE No. No, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't hang up. I really need you-- LIZA Oh. Ho ho! Ho ho! Oh, bye, honey. LIZA Hello? Hello? MELANIE Yeah, I'm here. LIZA What's the matter? MELANIE Well, there's this guy, who obviously thinks that a, uh, minor amount of charm replaces integrity and commitment, has, uh, not only ruined my day, but Sammy's as well. He's completely missed his field trip. SAMMY My Mom hates your dad. MAGGIE So? My Dad hates your mom. SAMMY So? MAGGIE So? MELANIE Liza? JACK Hey, it's me. Just wanted to know if you're wearing panties. What color are they? LEW Huh? MAN Lew, I need this photo approved now! MELANIE If I ever act interested in another man again, would you please shoot me? No, don't take 57th across! JACK Pink? WOMAN When is Jack getting in? MELANIE No, I will not leave Sammy at the 9th Street Drop-In Center, Liza. LIZA Why? MELANIE Because he hates it there. You're my sis, how can you not watch him for me? Look, I-I-I-I have to meet my boss in fifteen minutes, then I have this presentation which-which-which could add up to huge promotion for me. And-And you have no job, a Nanny, a cook and a housekeeper? LIZA The nanny is leaving to take Courtney to Mommy and me, Angela is cooking all day for our dinner party tonight, Berta is cleaning for our dinner party tonight, and I am working in the school office this morning. MELANIE Okay, what about later? LIZA Later I'm getting dressed for our party tonight. Mel, why don't you get a nanny? MELANIE Because I can't afford a nanny, Liza. LEW You're with a girl, aren't you? You dog, you. Ha ha! JACK A real superwoman. Can't open her door. Won't shut her mouth. MELANIE Excuse me, are you talking about me? JACK The First Lady. We're thinking about doing a piece on her. MELANIE No, you're insulted because I said that I had a presentation and that you don't work. LIZA I do work, Melanie. I'm the CEO of this household. I'm sorry if I can't help you out today, but you're perfect. You'll figure it out. MELANIE Okay. Okay. Bye. DRIVER I'm telling you, who do you think-- MELANIE Right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay, okay! Stay with me. Stay with me. There are cars. Oh! Oh, thank God it's still here! JACK Come on. Let's go! Here we go! Come on! MELANIE This is it. JACK That's not it. MELANIE How do you know? JACK There's nobody in there! MELANIE Maybe they're upstairs. JACK Oh, they're upstairs. MELANIE Sammy. Sammy, wait up for me. JACK Here. I got it. MELANIE No, no. I'm fine. Thank you. JACK Okay! Excuse me! All right, here we go! Take a boat! JACK Go! Go! Watch your step! MELANIE It was the first boat. I'm telling you, it was the first boat. JACK First boat? There wasn't anybody on the first boat! MELANIE Oh, no! JACK It's all right. We can still make it, goddammit! JACK Hey! Hey, boat! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Come in here! Come back! I got kids over here! Come back! Hey! Hey! I got kids here! JACK Goddammit! MELANIE Oh, who wants to go on a boat in the rain, anyway? MELANIE I know. You did. JACK All right. Listen, uh, Melanie. I feel awful about this and we'll make it up to you. You too, kiddo. All right? JACK Okay. JACK Okay, here's an idea. What say, I watch the kids right now while you do your presentation -- I overheard you said you had one in fifteen minutes -- and then you watch them for me later on today while I do the column? It'll only take, you know, an hour or so. MAGGIE Hi. Maggie Taylor calling. I have an urgent message for stupid Sammy Parker. SAMMY I'm not stupid. JACK What do you say? SAMMY You're stupid. MELANIE I don't think so. I only let incredibly responsible people watch my son. JACK I'm incredibly responsible. Huh? MAGGIE I'm hungry, Daddy. JACK Want a Tic-Tac? MAGGIE No. JACK That's all I got. MELANIE Here, baby. JACK What's that? MAGGIE Nothing. Thank you, Melanie. MELANIE You're welcome, sweetheart. MELANIE You were saying? JACK Well, uh, I was saying that maybe we could just help each other, help each other out today. MELANIE Well... JACK Hey. Looks like you missed the boat. WOMAN I guess we did. MELANIE I really don't need your help. But if I did, you would be the very last person I would turn to. These are the class fish. They were supposed to be back in the classroom at 8:30 this morning. Now they are spending the day with you. MELANIE God, I am going to be so late. I have such a day. Oh! A bus! SAMMY Mom. MELANIE Phones aren't toys. SAMMY Mom, it's not your phone. Mom! JACK Don't be like that when you grow up. JACK She, um, she just drops off the-the, uh, the bag of cookies and asks me to keep them for a week. DR. MARTIN And how do you feel about the cookies, Jack? JACK Love the cookies. I have a big problem with, uh, the, uh... DR. MARTIN Cookie maker? JACK That's right. Because the cookie maker thinks that all I am interested in or all that I am, uh, capable of handling, uh, with respect to the cookie in question, is, uh, the, uh... DR. MARTIN The frosting? JACK Exactly. Exactly. Now, just because the frosting is my specialty doesn't mean that I can't do more. I have many layers to me. And they're not all vanilla, either. I have chocolate in me. I have a deep dark chocolate. MAGGIE I'm still hungry, Daddy. JACK Uh, don't -- I'm so -- Um, Doc Martin and I are finishing. MAGGIE But what about the cookies? JACK Just a little while, okay? Uh, it's just -- I-I am-- I'm sick of angry, resentful, uh, fish who, uh, think that you, that-that-that you owe them, but who won't trust you for a second to do anything for them. DR. MARTIN There are other fish in the sea, Jack. JACK Yes, I know. It's just I-- I wish I could find a fish who wasn't afraid of my dark chocolate layer and, well, she'd have to love my cookie, too. You know, I think that my ex-cookie-maker has turned me off to fish entirely. I met a real piece of work this morning. DR. MARTIN Tell me about her, Jack. JACK This fish was a fox. She has her own cookie, too. But what a female dog. She shoved her fish in my face. DR. MARTIN In front of the cookie? What's she doing with another fish, anyway? Is she AC/DC? JACK What're you talking about? DR. MARTIN Fish with other fish in front of cookies. JACK Fish. Fish fish. DR. MARTIN Oh. I see. GENTLEMAN Ah, after you. MELANIE No. After you. GENTLEMAN No, I insist. MELANIE I insist more. MELANIE You can't make any noise in the office. I have a really important meeting, okay? Oh! Ohh! MELANIE Don't touch that. SAMMY It's empty. MELANIE Sammy, I'm really late and I don't need you spilling anything right now. SAMMY Whee-ha! Whoo! Whoo! MELANIE Please don't do that now. SAMMY Why not? MELANIE Because I want you to practice being super quiet. MELANIE Okay. Now, you stay next to me. Got your dino? Don't you start any noises, okay? EVELYN You're kidding. MELANIE Just five minutes. Please don't give me a hard time now. Evelyn, please. I'm almost twenty minutes late. EVELYN Twenty-five minutes late. Mr. Leland, as you might expect, is displeased. MELANIE What are those? EVELYN The Haskell blueprints. Rob Wilding got them in three weeks ahead of schedule. MELANIE He did? EVELYN Why would you bring a child here? Remember when Sally Hanson brought her kid here with the poison sumac? Mr. Leland just smelled the calamine lotion and had to take the rest of the day off? MELANIE He does not have poison anything, Evelyn. He's not even sick. He just missed his field trip is all. EVELYN I don't think so. MELANIE Five minutes, please? EVELIN And I would be doing this because? MELANIE Of our sense of solidarity? You know, we're both women, and this is a tough office and a tough world-- EVELYN Five minutes. MELANIE Thank you. LELAND Evelyn, has Ms. Parker come in yet? LELAND Ms. Parker, you're late. MELANIE Yes, I'm late. I know. I'm sorry, sir. LELAND You're late. MELANIE Let me go get the model. I'll be right in. MELANIE Sammy! MELANIE Oh, my God. Oh... Oh my... LELAND Evelyn, would you ask Ms. Parker to come in here, please? MELANIE No! Shh! Sh! Shh! EVELYN She'll be right in. MELANIE Put this in the back room for me, please. Would you -- EVELYN Go, go, go, go, go. MELANIE You, get behind the desk and stay there. MELANIE I'm sorry, sir, I forgot, the model is still in the model shop downtown. I'm- I'm heading there right now to-- You see, I went by there, um, earlier this morning to pick it up for this morning, but the shop was, um, locked, so-- LELAND Oh. MELANIE And I promise you you're going to love the model, though, Mr. Leland, sir, and that today at two o'clock, the people from Yates & Yates Construction are going to love it, too. LELAND I assume you're ready. MELANIE Of course. LELAND There's something I'd like to show you. Evelyn, would you bring in the Haskell blueprints? Oh! MELANIE Oh. Oh, ha ha. Ohh! What an adorable, little boy! LELAND Also, would you check if my amoxycillian prescription still has refills available? SAMMY Mommy? MELANIE You know what? That's a good idea. Let's go find your mom. EVELYN I'm very sorry, sir, but someone spilled my coffee all over the Haskell blueprints. LELAND Oh, my God. Do you know that every Thanksgiving I catch strep throat? Children who are perfectly healthy can give you strep throat from other kids they know without your even going near them. My sister sets up a kids table in the next room and I still get strep throat. MELANIE We're going to go find his mother, sir. LELAND She must work in those new law offices across the hall. MELANIE I'm sure she does. MELANIE Um, excuse me. MELANIE Hello? LEW You asshole! MELANIE What? LEW You'd better get right over here. The Mayor's called a press conference, five o'clock, City Hall. While you were talking about pink panties, your story was turning to shit! LELAND You know, Miss Parker. I don't need to remind you what the Yates account would be worth to this firm and by extension, to you. MELANIE Yeah. No, sir. LELAND You know what I think of when I look at him? MELANIE No. LELAND Carrier monkey. MELANIE He's not a carrier monkey, sir. He, he looks like a healthy, little -- MELANIE I'll go find his mother. MELANIE Oh, my God. What am I gonna do? SAMMY I'm sorry, Mom. MELANIE Oh. It's okay, sweetie. It's really not your fault. It's Maggie's daddy's fault. JACK Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! MAGGIE This isn't a very good breakfast, Daddy. JACK Oh. You see, that's one of the advantages of being an adult. You've got to act like a kid any time you feel like it. MAGGIE Mommy would never let me have hamburgers and milk shakes for breakfast. JACK See what I mean? JACK Hello? RITA Who's that? JACK Who's this? RITA Who's this? JACK Who's this? RITA Who's this? What are you doing with my daughter's phone? JACK Well, uh, damn it. We must have switched. Um, I'm Jack Taylor. Our kids in school together. RITA "You don't know Jack", Jack Taylor? JACK That's me. RITA Oh, my God! You're so adorable. I love your column. JACK Well, thanks. RITA You married? JACK Uh, no. I'm divorced. Uh, um, what's your name? RITA Rita. JACK Rita. RITA Uh, listen, Jack. I've got to go get exfoliated. Now-Now, Melanie has your phone, right? JACK That's right. RITA Uh, so what is that number? JACK Uh, PEnnsylvania 3317. RITA PEnnsylvania -- so cute -- 3317. JACK Yes, my dad used to tell the story. RITA All right, darling, listen. If you speak with her before I do, would you do me a favor? Her sister telephoned me here to see if I would baby-sit Sammy later on, but I'm in the middle of my Spring Spa Day at Elizabeth Arden's. I can't possibly cancel now. JACK Okay. RITA But, uh, tell her that otherwise I would have been happy to baby-sit, because no matter what she thinks, I have forgotten all about Sammy putting my wedding ring up his nose. JACK I'll tell her, Rita. RITA You're adorable. JACK All right, good-bye. RITA Good-bye. MELANIE Hello? JACK It's Jack Taylor. MELANIE How did you get this number? JACK That's my phone you're holding. MELANIE This is so typical of you. JACK What do we say we bypass the hostilities and just do messages? MELANIE Fine. JACK Your mother's in the middle of Spring Spa Day and can't baby-sit, but she wants you to know it's not because she's upset about Sammy sticking her ring up her nose. MELANIE His nose. Thank you. You have a press conference at five. JACK Mm-hmm. MELANIE Good-bye. JACK Think maybe we oughta arrange to switch our phones back? MELANIE Tomorrow morning when we drop the kids off at school. On time. JACK Fine. MELANIE Fine. JACK Maggie, when you grow up, and you are incredibly beautiful and intelligent, and possess a certain sweetness that's like a distant promise to the brave and to the worthy, can ya please not beat to a pulp every miserable bastard who comes your way just because you can? Can you just not do that? MAGGIE Okay, Daddy. JACK All right. FOREIGN ARTIST Uh, let me help you. MELANIE It's okay. I can get it. FOREIGN ARTIST No, no. Please, please. MELANIE Really! I got it. I got it. Okay, okay. Sweetie, come on. FOREIGN ARTIST Stupid American woman. SAMMY That guy called you stupid. MELANIE Well, I am stupid sometimes, honey, but I'd rather be stupid than sorry. Come on. MELANIE How bad is it? VICNENT Well, it's modular. MELANIE Mm-hmm. VICNENT So it's conceivable I could lift out that damaged portion and replace it with the same piece from the mock-up. That way, I wouldn't have to start from scratch. MELANIE Vincent, that's brilliant! MELANIE Sammy! Honey! Sammy, you cannot run around, okay? VICNENT It won't be perfect. SAMMY I'm thirsty, Mommy. MELANIE It's okay. VICNENT I know you, Mel. You won't be happy with less than perfect. MELANIE Today I will. SAMMY I can't get the straw part, Mommy. MELANIE I don't even wanna think about what's gonna happen to my life if I don't have that model by two this afternoon. VICNENT All right, then. I'll give it a try. MELANIE Thanks. JACK All right. Now, while I'm doing my column, you need to think of about the six hundred fun things to do, 'cause the rest of the day is yours. MAGGIE I already know, Daddy. JACK Uh-huh. MAGGIE I wanna go to the zoo, and go for a carriage ride and to the Carrousel and to the National Museum of History, and visit the Cats. JACK No, it's Cats. Not the Cats. WOMAN 1 Hi, Jack. JACK Hey. WOMAN 2 Hi, Jack. JACK Hey, Jackson. WOMAN 3 I never knew you had a daughter. JACK Yeah, this is Maggie. WOMAN 3 She's so cute. She looks just like you. JACK She'll grow out of it. MAGGIE How come all the girls are talking to you like that? JACK What are you talking about? Like what? MAGGIE Hiii, Jaack. CELIA Hi, Jack. JACK Hey, Celia. MAGGIE See, Dad? See? CELIA Oh! You know, Jack, I'm doing a story on men like you. JACK Oh, yeah? What's the hook? CELIA Oh, just a little expression my mother used to use "Love your guy like a little boy, and he'll grow into a man." LEW Jack! Get in here! JACK Fish. You're not gonna believe the morning that I have had already. What's the matter with you? You look cranky. You back on that diet again? Honey, you remember Lew? LEW Yeah. Maybe we haven't seen each other for a long time. I am cranky, Jack. And I have a very good breakfast this morning. We're in big trouble on your garbage story. JACK Oh, God. LEW Wait a minute, honey. I want to show you something. JACK It's okay. Go ahead. LEW Now, this is Lois Lane. She lives here in the newsroom. MAGGIE Wow. LEW Wanna pet her, sweetheart? Go ahead. She won't bite. You got this raging scoop disease, my friend. JACK Which is what you love about me. LEW Why don't you stay here and play with the kitty, honey? Me and your daddy gonna have a little talk, all right? MAGGIE Yeah. LEW That's a girl. Let's go. JACK Now, would you rather that I wasn't first? LEW I'd rather you were right. JACK I am right. LEW Okay. Who told you that the Mayor's re- election campaign were taking illegal contributions from the Mob? JACK Manny Feldstein. LEW Manny Feldstein told you on the record that the Newark-based trucking company of Grace & Marr, a well-known Mob front, was made an illegal contribution to Mayor Aikens' re-election campaign. JACK That's right. On the record. LEW In exchange for receiving the city's sanitation contract. JACK On the record. LEW Which were awarded without bidding. JACK Through Grace & Marr. That's right. On the record. LEW Manny Feldstein's gonna say he never talked to you! JACK What? What? Hey, what? LEW During the Mayor's press conference today, Manny Feldstein's gonna say you made the whole thing up. You didn't make it up, did you, Jack? JACK Of course not, Lew. Manny told me that he saw the campaign accounts. LEW Where's Metro? JACK Deposited in unnumbered accounts-- LEW Freddy, here. JACK Unnumbered. LEW The whole page, we may have to print a retraction. FREDDY Of what? LEW Get back in there. You know, you're gonna give me an ulcer. I can feel it. It's like I swallowed a car battery. Why couldn't you get two sources on this story? JACK Remember the Cardinal O'Brien story? LEW You know how close we came to getting fired on that story? JACK I almost got the Pulitzer Prize on that. LEW It's real simple, Jack. Management just doesn't wanna clean up after you anymore. Not now! JACK I'm a good reporter, Lew. LEW No. You are a great reporter, but sometimes you just get too excited, and then you get me too excited. And now I've given you enough rope to hang us both. And, Jack, nobody almost gets a Pulitzer Prize. WOMAN Jack, I-- JACK One second. They're not gonna fire me, Lew. My pictures are on buses. LEW That's what I said. Then they asked me to have lunch with Frank Burroughs. MAGGIE Um, Dad? JACK Frank Burroughs? LEW "Frankly Speaking" is a very popular column. MAGGIE Hey, Dad. JACK Frank Burroughs is a pompous, arrogant, humorless asshole. LEW Who's won the Pulitzer Prize. JACK You know, you know something, Lew? I'm not gonna lose my job, all right? I got alimony and shrink bills, I got all the colleague loans to repay. I got-- One second. I have a-a plumbing situation. Okay? Now, Manny has been my guy all year long. MAGGIE Dad! JACK One second, darling. I played bridge with his mother. I took his niece to Cirque du Soleil. Just one second. I had to sit through him playing Tevye in-in dinner theater, Lew. Dinner theater! LEW Jack, I gave you this column, and I love you like a son, but I can't cover for you anymore. Now, you've got less than six hours to that press conference, and no other leads, we've gotta get Feldstein back on the record or find another reliable source to confirm this whole goddamn thing. Otherwise, we're printing a retraction. And I guarantee you, Jack, it'll be your last. JACK That's fine. All right. If you need me, I'm at a different number today. LEW Now where are you going? JACK To find Manny. LEW Take care of yourself, kid. JACK Oh, I will. CELIA Hi, Jack. JACK Yeah. CELIA Listen, um, I really wanted to say something, to you, Jack. JACK Right. CELIA I've noticed that you haven't been dating for quite a while. JACK Right. CELIA Actually, we've all noticed. JACK Yeah. JACK Hey, here we go. Hi. MAN Hi. CELIA I know that you're sensitive, but frightened. I'm gentle, but brutal. Think about it. Think about me, Jack. JACK I will. CELIA Mmm. Okay. JACK Brutal. JACK Marla? Marla, hey! Have you seen my daughter? Have you seen Maggie? MARLA Uh, no. No, I haven't. JACK No? Excuse me, please. JACK Have you seen my daughter? No? Uh, Maggie? Aw, damn it! WOMAN Hey, Jack. MAGGIE Hi, Daddy. JACK "Hi, Daddy"? Do you do this with your mother? This "wandering off" thing? MAGGIE Yeah. JACK 'Cause it's not a good thing to do. Now listen, I gotta go talk to a guy downtown. It's kind of a tricky thing and I only have one shot at it, which means... MAGGIE That I can't come? JACK That's right. You can't come. Now, what am I gonna do with ya? MELANIE Look, this is incredibly difficult for me, but you're absolutely the last person I could think of to ask. I'm really in a bind. I could lose my job. I know you're recording, but -- can you hold on a minute? MELANIE I know you're recording, but it would just be for an hour. From two to three. Come on, Eddie, you're his father. Fine, never mind. I'll think of something. Are you at least coming to his soccer game? Six. It would mean a lot to him. VICNENT Ah! Mel! MELANIE Sammy! Sammy, get off of that! Get off of it. Time out! Get-- MELANIE What is the matter with you? You almost broke it again! Why can't you just play quietly and not get into trouble for five minutes? Don't you realize how important this is? That's it. I'm taking you to the 9th Street Drop-In Center. SAMMY I don't wanna go there, Mommy. MELANIE Too bad. SAMMY Those kids will beat me. MELANIE No, they won't. SAMMY Yes, they will. MELANIE Well, you'll just have to be really brave, then. Vincent, I'll be back in an hour to pick up the model! MELANIE Okay. Now when the little hand gets between the four and the five, that's 4:30. SAMMY I'm sorry. MELANIE Honey, honey. You're not being punished. I'll be back and then we can go to your soccer game. SAMMY But that's too long. MELANIE Sweetheart, I set the alarm and you'll wear it, and I'll be here for you by the time it goes off. I promise. Come on. SAMMY But I don't wanna go in there, Mom. MELANIE But it'll be fun. MELANIE Look, it's Super Hero Day! Hey! Spider- Man! SPIDER-MAN He can't come in here. He's not a Super Hero! MELANIE Oh, yeah? You guys sure about that? THE HULK He doesn't look like one. SPIDER-MAN He looks like a poo-poo cry baby. PUPPET When the big hand gets to, uh, there, and the little hand gets to, uh, there, then... MAGGIE You'll be back. PUPPET Ah! Wait a minute. PUPPET Easy, isn't it? Hang on. Come on. Now you're wearing daddy's watch. MAGGIE But I don't have a costume. PUPPET Costume? Uh, okay, how about, uh, Bessie the Choreographer? Huh! 5, 6, 7, 8-- Moo! Moo. JACK I don't have, you know, I don't-- I got- - I don't have a costume. MELANIE Oh! JACK Hey. MELANIE Hey, Maggie! Look, honey! Maggie! MAGGIE Hi, Sammy. SAMMY Hi, Maggie. JACK I thought you told your sister that you weren't gonna bring him here. MELANIE Well, I got desperate. JACK Me too. MELANIE So, looks like we need two Super Heros and fast. JACK Mm-hmm. JACK W-Where'd you get a bag like that? MELANIE If those mean boys give you any more trouble, first go to the teacher. If she doesn't help, call me on the mobile. If you can't reach me, call 911. JACK Just kick the mean boys in the shins. MELANIE Bye! JACK Good-bye! JACK Thanks for doing that. MELANIE Sure. Hard enough being a kid. JACK It is excellent. MELANIE And you would know. JACK What about? MELANIE Nothing. JACK Know what my mother used to say to me? MELANIE Gee, no. JACK "Love your guy like a little boy and he'll grow into a man." MELANIE Huh? JACK "Love your guy like a little boy and he'll grow into a man." MELANIE She knew back then that you were gay? JACK I'm not gay. MELANIE Then why did she advise you on how guys wanna be loved? Taxi! JACK Maybe she was hoping I'd meet a woman like that someday. MELANIE You know, I really can't stand those people who blame their worst traits on everyone but themselves. It's so 90s. JACK Oh, God, what are you talking about? MELANIE You're blaming your Peter Pan complex on your mother? JACK What Peter Pan complex? MELANIE The one you're so proud of. JACK You got any friends? MELANIE I don't have time for friends. JACK That's because of your Captain Hook complex. MELANIE My what? JACK Captain Hook complex. MELANIE There's no such thing. JACK Yes, there is and you have it. MELANIE Here's your phone back. JACK Here's yours. MELANIE Thank you! JACK Manny! Hey! Feldstein. Hey. MANNY I can't be with you right now, Jack. JACK Manny! Excuse me. JACK Manny! Hey, Manny! Arggh! Manny! Hey, Manny. MANNY Please, just don't hit me. JACK I'm not gonna hit you. Now, what's going on? MANNY I've been having thoughts. JACK We already had our thoughts. MANNY Please don't yell at me. You're very emotional. JACK You were the one who said to me this garbage thing stinks. MANNY Yeah. JACK Now, I've waited for a month for you to get comfortable with this. You get comfortable with this, we print the story, it runs on the front page, and now you are telling me that you are having thoughts. What is the matter with you? MANNY I've been having some trouble with a dose of my medication. The thing is, you get the dose, you get drunk, you get a little grandiose. We were talking about taking down the Mayor and the Mob together, right? JACK Yes, that's right. MANNY That's crazy. JACK No, it's not. MANNY I'm telling you it is. Now that I'm a little better regulated, I realize they definitely will kill me! JACK Manny, come here. Come here. Hey, listen to me. All right. Don't do this to me, all right? Look at me. Hey, I'm the one who started your standing ovation for "If I Were A Rich Man", right? MANNY I can't do it. JACK You can do it. You're my guy. MANNY I got a wife and a family. I'm their guy, too. You're hurting my neck. JACK Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. MANNY I'm sorry, Jack. JACK Well, give me the... give me a name. MANNY I can't think of any names. JACK Think of a name. Give me a name. Whose name is on the account? MANNY I don't know. I only saw numbers. JACK Okay. Who set up the account? MANNY I don't-- JACK Give me a name. Who set up the account, Manny? MANNY I don't know. Eddie McCoy, maybe. JACK Maybe Eddie McCoy. Eddie-- how... You know what? I'm gonna figure it out myself. Okay, Manny? Thanks. Thank you. MELANIE Hello? SAMMY Mommy. MELANIE What happened? SAMMY I don't wanna stay here anymore and neither does Maggie. MELANIE Sweetie, you're gonna have to stay there. Just for a little while SAMMY Ooh! MELANIE What happened? SAMMY Spider-Man kicked me and She-ra took Maggie's snack. MELANIE Let me talk to the teacher. SAMMY He's outside talking to The Hulk about not using the "F" word. MELANIE Sammy, you're just gonna have to be tough and brave and wait-- SAMMY What's LSD? MELANIE LSD? SAMMY Spider-Man was talking to Maggie about LSD that he got from his brother. MELANIE Don't move. Stay right where you are. You'll both be picked up in ten minutes. JACK No, Manny's a dead end. LEW Did he give you anything? JACK Eddie McCoy probably set up the account. LEW No, he's the campaign manger. He wouldn't implicate himself. So? JACK Uh, city comptroller. LEW He'll never talk. JACK What about the Sanitation Commissioner? LEW Lieberman? Metro! METRO Yeah. LEW How do we get ahold of Lieberman? METRO Lieberman's in Barbados. LEW Lieberman's in Barbados. JACK The Sanitation Commissioner is in Barbados? LEW In the middle of a garbage scandal. JACK Maybe the Mayor wanted him out of town. LEW Metro! METRO What? LEW What's Lieberman doing in Barbados? METRO He's there with his new girlfriend. LEW He's there with his new girlfriend. JACK Which leaves his very angry wife. LEW Bingo! JACK I'm in the lobby. I'll be right up. Huh. Here we go. JACK Yeah? MELANIE Jack, it's Melanie Parker. JACK Hey. MELANIE We have a major problem with our kids. They're okay, but they can't stay there. They have to be picked up right now. JACK Okay. MELANIE Can you do it? JACK Me? Now? MELANIE I would definitely jeopardize my career and by extension, my entire life if I picked them up now. JACK Well, I would definitely jeopardize my career and by extension, my entire life if I picked them up now. MELANIE Okay, but your press conference isn't until five, right? JACK Yeah. MELANIE My presentation is at two. JACK Okay, I've got to see this lady Elaine Lieberman about some information I need. MELANIE Couldn't you do that on the phone? JACK Yeah, I-- MELANIE Great. JACK Well, is there anybody else you could call? MELANIE I wouldn't be asking you if there were anyone else I could call. JACK Yeah. MELANIE Look, how about if I watch them both from, say, three o'clock until your press conference ends if you'll watch them both from now until three? JACK You're asking me for help? MELANIE It would appear that way, wouldn't it? JACK I'll agree if you say, "Jack, please be my Knight in Shining Armor." MELANIE Jack, don't be a shithead. Go rescue our kids. JACK This is hard for you, isn't it? MELANIE Are you agreeing or not? JACK You know, you're not the only one with a day. I've got a day, too. MELANIE Sorry. I'll meet you and the kids in my office lobby at Rockefeller Center at 3:15. JACK Fine. MELANIE Fine. JACK Marla, tell Celia to get Elaine Lieberman's home number and call me on my cell phone. MARLA No, uh-- JACK What? MELANIE I forgot to tell you that Sammy is allergic to shellfish and dander, and also he's not allowed to watch commercial TV, and no matter what he says, he has to hold your hand when he crosses the street. Oh, and also if you go to the playground, I like to check the sandbox first. You never know what people throw in there. And als-- uh... Okay. Bye. JACK Fine. MELANIE Fine. JACK Hello? MELANIE Hi, it's me. JACK Me who? MELANIE You have the kids? JACK What kids? MELANIE You didn't pick up the kids? JACK Oh, you mean those kids. MELANIE Look, I was just calling-- JACK You just wanted to call and check up on me because you don't really trust me. Sammy! Sammy, no. Put the gun down. And you only asked me to watch Sammy out of sheer desperation. Part of you would feel safer with him at the 9th Street Drop-In Center with LSD. Isn't that true? MELANIE No, that is not true. I only wanted to warn you that Sammy can get into trouble faster than you can make most women smile. JACK Are you flirting with me? MELANIE Would you please just really pay attention to him? JACK I won't let him out of my sight. Sammy! Hey, guns aren't toys. It's not loaded. MELANIE Good-bye. JACK Sammy, how long have your Mom and Dad been divorced? SAMMY I don't know. It doesn't matter really, because she said she'll always love him. JACK Yeah? Hey, what's that? SAMMY Marble. JACK That's a marble. That's what that is. You get to see your Dad a lot? Come here. SAMMY Yeah, pretty much, usually. He has a different schedule than a lot of other dads. He's a drummer. His favorite thing to do is watch me play soccer. He's probably coming today. And he's taking me fishing this whole summer. Just us. And maybe Mom will come, too. JACK Your dad's a drummer, huh? SAMMY Yep. JACK Sounds like a great guy, Sammy. SAMMY He is. LELAND Kurt, Jake, you remember Melanie Parker? MELANIE Nice to see you. YATES JR. Nice to see you. MELANIE Nice to see you. Well, voila'. YATES SR. I love this. This is -- What is this? YATES JR. A vaulted, um-- MELANIE A vaulted pediment. Vaulted pediment. YATES SR. I love that. MELANIE Yeah? YATES SR. But I need to see this with cars. YATES JR. You don't need cars, Dad. Just use your imagination. YATES SR. My imagination? I have to see it with the cars. MELANIE Cars. YATES SR. Ahem. See? YATES SR. She's quite a little discovery. LELAND Yes, she is. YATES SR. Why don't you join us for drinks this evening? MELANIE Oh. YATES SR. Let's say, 5:30 at the 21. MELANIE I--Oh, I don't know if I can. YATES SR. What? We'll talk about this project. From what I've seen, you could bring a great deal to this. MELANIE I'll be there. YATES SR. Terrific. That's great. JACK Uh, hi. This is Jack Taylor of the Daily News. I'm looking for Elaine Lieberman. MAGGIE Quit trying to be like my dad. SAMMY Am not. MAGGIE Am too. Daddy? JACK Yeah? MAGGIE Who's that man on the bus? JACK Wait a second, darling. What? Who's what? MAGGIE Who's that man? SAMMY It says, "Frankly Speaking." JACK Very important. Elaine Lieberman. Here we go. Hold hands. Hold hands. JACK Rosa, Rosa. Rosa, c-could you just try to speak English? ROZA Okay. JACK Okay. Hello? ROZA Hello? JACK Right. Okay. Uh, uh, uh... I need to-- ?Donde esto, uh, senora Lieberman? I, uh, need, uh, pronto her. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. JACK Okay. ROZA Okay? JACK Okay. ROZA Okay. Bye-bye. JACK But-- No, no, no, no. Uh... ROZA Hola. La casa de senora Lieberman. JACK Roza, Roza, listen to me. Listen. I need to find Mrs. Lieberman. ROZA Okay. JACK Okay. Look, if I don't find her, I could lose my job. If you don't understand, say "Okay." ROZA Okay. JACK Okay. ROZA Okay. Bye-bye, gracias. Bye-bye. MAGGIE Give me the marble. It's my Dad's. Give it! SAMMY So? MAGGIE It's my Dad's marble. JACK Uh, no, uh, Roza? Uh, no, Roza, it's- it's-- No, no, no, no, no. Don't hang up. Do you speak Spanish, by any chance? GUARD What do you mean? JACK Okay, great. Her name is a Roza Lopez. Her boss is an Elaine Lieberman. I need to know where she is. I'm Jack Taylor. I'm a reporter for the Daily News. JACK Elaine is her boss. Tell her Elaine wants to speak to me very badly, too. Very badly. JACK Jack Taylor. Jack Taylor. SAMMY So? So? MAGGIE So give me it! SAMMY So? So? MAGGIE Give it! Give me it! SAMMY So? MAGGIE Yes! SAMMY No. JACK Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Guys! What are you doing? MAGGIE Give me it. Give it to me! JACK Guys, what are you doing? GUARD Mr. Taylor? JACK Take turns. GUARD Mr. Taylor! JACK Yeah. GUARD Senora Lopez says that Mrs. Lieberman is at the Elizabeth Arden Salon for her Spring Spa Day. JACK Spring Spa Day? GUARD Okay? JACK Uh, Elizabeth Arden? Excellent. MAGGIE Dad! JACK What? You guys are being a-- Oh, man. MAGGIE You're so stupid. SAMMY Am not. MAGGIE Are so. You ruined my Dad's marble. He's not gonna want it with your snot all over it. JACK Yes, I will. I'll just wash it off. You're gonna be fine. The doctor's just gonna pop that thing right out of there. SAMMY How come you couldn't do it? JACK Well, you know, that's a little nose, big marble. But, see, the doctor, he's gonna have this-this clamp thing that's gonna come up and just yank it right out. And you're gonna be fine. You've just gotta not worry about it, and you've gotta not think about it. You've gotta think about something else. You've gotta think about... DOCTER Hello, Sammy. MELANIE Hello? CELIA Hi, sexy. I miss you. MELANIE Look, whoever you are, this isn't Jack's phone anymore. Who are you? CELIA Who are you? MELANIE No, who are you? CELIA This is Celia. I'm a friend of Jack's. And who's this? MELANIE Absolutely nobody. CELIA Whatever, could you please tell him that Kristen just called from the Bahamas to let him know her number there? MELANIE Uh-huh. CELIA And this is very important. Elaine Lieberman will only be at Elizabeth Arden's until 3:30. So if you could pass on those messages, we'd both appreciate it. JACK Your mom is gonna kill me if I don't have you guys in the lobby by 3:15 on the dot. SAMMY I don't think she'll kill ya. She's not like that, really. JACK She isn't? SAMMY No. She just acts tough and mean, 'cause she'd rather be safe than sorry. JACK What does that mean? SAMMY She just says it a lot when men try to open her door and stuff. JACK Yeah? Whup! Excuse us! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. MELANIE Hi, you guys! JACK Hey, hey. MELANIE Um, your friend, uh, Celia, called to tell you -- Sammy! JACK It's okay, only an escalator. MELANIE Uh, that Kristen called you from the Bahamas and also that Elaine Lie-- um... JACK Lieberman. MELANIE Lieberman will be at Elizabeth Arden's until 3:30. JACK Great. MELANIE Thank you so much for watching Sammy. Really. You, you saved my life. Was he any trouble? JACK No. Nah, not at all. MELANIE Good. So everything worked out great. I was sure you were going to either show up three hours late or not at all. JACK Guess what? I'm not like every other man you know. MELANIE No. I realize that. I was just kidding. JACK No, you weren't, but... MELANIE Guess what? I'm not like every other woman you know. JACK Really? MELANIE Yeah. You probably think I'm a real control freak, and I'm not at all. Well, I mean, I do like things the way I like them, but who doesn't? And anyway, in my life, I'm the only one who ever does anything, so, uh, what does it matter? JACK Maybe you should let somebody help you out every once in a while. MELANIE Definitely not. I've got all of these little balls up in the air. And if somebody else caught one for me, I'd drop them all. JACK But you're not a control freak? MELANIE No. I'm a single working mother. JACK Okay. I have more work to do than time to do it. So before you and I get into yet another, uh, lengthy and exhausting "thing", I have a career to save, okay? MELANIE Do you, do you, do you have any instructions for me before you-- JACK No, no. I trust you completely. MELANIE I-I-I don't suppose you could, um, you could switch your thing from 5:00 to, say, 4:30, because I just found out that I have a new thing at 5:30. JACK Can't switch my thing. MELANIE I'll switch mine. No problem. JACK See you guys at the soccer game. MAGGIE Bye, Dad! SAMMY Bye, Jack! MELANIE Thanks again, Jack. JACK You're welcome. MELANIE I-I realize it's difficult what with, uh, Celia, Kristen, Elaine. JACK I know your name, Mel. MELANIE So what did you guys do with Jack? SAMMY Quit kicking me, Maggie. I wasn't gonna say anything about -- MELANIE About what? SAMMY Nothing. MAGGIE It's a secret. We're not supposed to say. MELANIE Secret about what? About your dad? SAMMY And you too, Mommy. MELANIE Me too? Come on, you guys. Tell. MELANIE Secret about me and Jack. Hmm. Does it have anything to do with feelings? SAMMY What do you mean? MELANIE You know, feelings. Like being scared or hurt or-or-or-or-or happy and excited. You know, those are -- those are feelings. SAMMY Definitely about feelings, then. MAGGIE Yeah. Definitely. MELANIE Switch. SAMMY Sorry, Mom. MELANIE It's okay, honey. So, what'd you get? SAMMY Frozen hot chocolate. MELANIE Mmm. Yum. MAGGIE You like chocolate? MELANIE I love chocolate. MAGGIE Daddy told Dr. Martin this morning that he's got deep, dark chocolate inside of him. MELANIE Really? MAGGIE And that he'd like to meet a fish who wasn't afraid of his dark chocolate layer. MELANIE I think I'm beginning to guess the secret. SAMMY Are you mad? MELANIE Not really. I think he should have talked about it with me, though. SAMMY He was afraid you'd hate him. MELANIE Of course, I wouldn't hate him. Honestly, that is so silly. JACK Uh, you don't understand. This is an emergency. RUTA I don't interrupt Mrs. Lieberman during her bikini wax. JACK Now, listen. RUTA Don't bother with the cute face. I have five sons. You make eyes at me like that, I make you pot roast. JACK Yeah. RUTA Oh, excuse me. JACK Yeah. RUTA Hello, Mrs. Kempner. Let me get your robe. WOMAN Good-bye, Mrs. Lieberman. ELAINE Next week. WOMAN Yes, indeed. ELAINE Down, please. JACK Hey, uh, is Mrs. Lieberman here? Here? No? Okay. Hi. Hey, hi. Hi, hi, hi. JACK Hey, uh, is Mrs. Lieberman, Elaine Lieberman in here, by any chance? Hi, it's okay. I'm sorry. JACK Hi. Um, I'm looking for Elaine Lieberman. RITA She just left. JACK Thank you. RITA Jack? JACK Yep? RITA Is that you? JACK Yeah. RITA It's Rita! JACK Who? RITA Melanie's mother. JACK Oh, Rita. Hey! RITA Do you--Sorry. Do you believe what a small world? JACK I know, I just spent the whole afternoon with your grandson. RITA Yeah. He's cute, but he's a handful. JACK Yeah, I'm just trying to catch up with Elaine Lieberman. RITA Li-Listen, I just want to tell you one thing about my daughter, and it's something that you may suspect, though. She can make you want to scream like you're having a body wax. I mean, she's that frustrating. JACK Mm-hmm. Yeah. RITA Inside, Jack, she's mush. JACK Mush. RITA So you scream all you want, but just don't run away too soon. JACK Okay. All right. RITA Okay, bye-bye. You're adorable. JACK Mrs. Lieberman? Where is she? Yeah? JACK Hey, Mrs. Lieberman! Mrs. Lieberman! Mrs. Lieberman! Jack Taylor, Daily News! ELAINE Get in. JACK Oh, all right. Listen. Hey, hey. JACK I'm glad I finally found you. I have to ask you kind of a difficult question. ELAINE About my husband? JACK I don't know how much you know about his business affairs. ELAINE You are referring to the illegal account? JACK So you know about that? ELAINE It's in his name. JACK Yeah. ELAINE I have the deposit slips. JACK Uh, I don't suppose you'd be willing to go-- ELAINE Go on the record? JACK I know it's a lot to ask. ELAINE Elaine Lieberman. E-L-A-I-N-E L-I-E-B-E- R-M-A-N. I only have one request. JACK Anything at all. ELAINE Fax him a copy in Barbados. JACK All right. MELANIE Hello? RITA Hi, darling. MELANIE Mom, thank God. I-I'm in big trouble. I- I have to have drinks with clients at 5:30, or I'll be fired and I have absolutely no childcare. What time are you done at Elizabeth Arden's? MELANIE Sammy! Put that down. Honey, you're gonna break it. RITA You only think about work. What about personal life? MELANIE Actually, Mom, today I thought a lot about my personal life. D-Don't laugh. I did. I'm serious. I-- MAGGIE Come here, kitty, kitty-kitty. MAGGIE Kitty? Kitty. Kitty? MELANIE What do you mean, don't be my usual self with him? I don't think my usual self could be all that bad since I'm pretty sure Jack just told the kids he has feelings for me. He wants to ask me out on a date. RITA Divine. MELANIE Maggie? Sammy, where's Maggie? Take that out of your nose. What is the matter with you? Excuse me. I'm-- the thing is, I'm, I think I, I could have feelings for him too. Or at least I think I might be able to, which is, you know, it's a big step up for me. Mom, could you hold on a minute? Maggie? RITA Well, you know, I had no idea from that floating head on top of his column that he was so tall and he's got that good color in his skin, which you also couldn't tell from the black and white photo. He really is altogether yummy, Mel. MELANIE And how would you know? RITA Because he was just here, darling. MELANIE This isn't some horrifyingly elaborate, matchmaking scheme, is it, Mom? Maggie! RITA Of course not, darling. MELANIE Maggie! Oh, my God. I just lost his daughter! RITA You lost his daughter? MELANIE Maggie! MELANIE Maggie! Maggie! Oh, my God! MELANIE Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl? Excuse me. Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl? She's about six years old, and she's wearing-- Excuse me, sir. Have you seen a little girl? Maggie! MAN No, sorry. MELANIE She's about six-- MELANIE Excuse me. Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl? She's about six. Maggie! MELANIE Have you seen a little girl? She's about six years old. MELANIE Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl? Excuse me. Have you seen a lost little girl? MELANIE Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! MELANIE Maggie! Maggie! OLD WOMAN Well, hello. MAGGIE Hi. OFFICER Is there anything else you can tell us, Ms. Parker? MELANIE I don't think so. I just-- He's still not answering. I-I-I just can't believe, I can't believe this happened. One minute she was there, and then the next- - OFFICER I understand that. MELANIE No, you don't understand. I just met this guy this morning and I was horrible to him all day! WOMAN Excuse me. OFFICER You're shivering. Jimmy, get her a coat! MELANIE Why did I have to be so horrible to him? I called him immature and uncharming and irresponsible. And I was my usual self. She said-- WOMAN (inaudible) ... now please. MELANIE Excuse me! But I've lost a little girl! I'm sorry. She said, "Don't be your usual self", but I was my usual self. And he took perfect care of my son for me while I did my presentation which went very well, then I lost his daughter! How could I have done that? OFFICER It probably wasn't your fault. MELANIE And I didn't even pay my bill from Serendipity's. WOMAN Do you mind? MAN Is that your mom? JACK Mrs. Lieberman. Elaine, you have saved my life. Watch your hand. JACK That was smart. MAN Jack. JACK Mike. JACK I love you, Lew. I love this town. I love this job. I love Elaine Lieberman. LEW That's a lot of love for you, Jack. JACK I got to tell you something. I met someone today. LEW What are you talking about? JACK I don't know how to describe her. She's... she's luminous. Her face is-- LEW You're talking about women. JACK Yeah. LEW Your ass is on the line and you're talking about women? You nuts? JACK That is under control. I have Elaine Lieberman on the record and she has proof of a campaign account. LEW Elaine Lieberman's an angry wife. All her husband's got to do is her some kind of sorry-gram, and she's off the record. JACK You have my word. LEW Your word means nothing to management. You better make sure that Elaine Lieberman gets to that press conference this afternoon. Either she confronts the Mayor directly, or I'm gonna have to print a retraction. JACK Don't worry. Elaine's my girl. LEW I hope so, Jack. Jack? JACK Yeah. LEW I just had lunch with Frank Burroughs. Very bright. Very funny. Very humble man. JACK You love me, Lew. You know you do. LEW Yeah. Come on, Lois. Come on. That's it. MARLA Hey, Lew! Lew, where's Jack? LEW On the way to City Hall. MARLA But I have a ton of urgent messages for him. MELANIE I can't sit here like this. I got to go find Jack. He's gonna be at City Hall in fifteen minutes. Come on, honey. JACK Uh-huh, five o'clock. That's great. Hang on! Yes, Elaine? Excuse me one second. City Hall, please. Look, I can't thank you enough. ELAINE Uh, Dwayne. Please, City Hall. Look, I'll do my best to get there on time, Jack. I was just on my way to Staten Island, so I might be a couple of minutes late. All right? ELAINE Dwayne, hurry up! JACK Hello? LIEUTENANT Mr. Taylor? Lieutenant Bonomo, 18th Precinct. We found your daughter. JACK What? MELANIE Excuse me. You haven't seen Jack Taylor anywhere, have you? REPORTER No, I haven't. MELANIE Uh, excuse me? I'm sorry, but you don't happen to know Jack Taylor, do you? CELIA Very well, in fact. MELANIE You're Celia, aren't you? CELIA Yes. And you must be the one who lost his little girl. JACK Hello, Maggie! MAGGIE Daddy! JACK Hey, hi! OLD WOMAN Hello. JACK Hi, I'm Jack Taylor. That's mine over there. Thank you very much for watching her. OLD WOMAN Well, it was my pleasure. JACK I'm sure it was. Come on. We got to hurry. Come on. Let's go. MAGGIE No, Daddy. I wanna play with the kitties. JACK There's no time to play with the kitties. We got to go to a press conference. Hi, kitties. How are you? Come on. Let's go. Tag, you're it. Come on, chase me. Let's go, Maggie. MAGGIE No, Daddy. I wanna play with the kitties. JACK Come on. Red light, green light. Come on, come on. MAGGIE Stop it! JACK Come on. Let's go. Maggie, come on. Don't do this right now. Don't you understand? If I don't get there, Maggie-- Want me to lose my job? Come on, come here. Watch your head. MAGGIE No, stop it! JACK Do you want me to lose my job? JACK You really love those kittens, right? MAGGIE Yeah. JACK Come on. Come here. Watch your head. There. Okay. So what are their names? MAGGIE This one is Bob, 'cause he looks like a Bobcat. And that one's Fred. And that one's -- I forget this one's name. JACK Yeah. Okay. Listen, Maggie. I know this has been a rotten day for you. And I know that right now all you wanna do is play with these kittens. I don't blame you, 'cause they're great. But if I don't get to this press conference, I'm gonna lose my job. And I don't wanna lose my job. So we got to work something out for you and me. Some kind of a deal here, so... What if we talk to this beautiful young lady and we ask her if maybe Bob can come to the press conference with us? OLD WOMAN Mm-hmm. MAGGIE You mean keep him? JACK Borrow him. MAGGIE But I wanna keep him. JACK You'll have to talk to your mother about that. MAGGIE She's allergic. JACK That's right. She gets all... right. All right. Um, well, you know what? Bob can just stay at my house. MAGGIE Where would he sleep? JACK You know that, uh, the room with all the box in it? We could clear those out. He could sleep in there. MAGGIE That's a good idea. JACK Of course, you know, you're gonna have to come over and visit even once in a while just to check up and make sure that, you know, I'm feeding him and everything. MAGGIE I will. JACK Yeah. Come here. JACK You know, maybe, uh, maybe what we oughta do is put a bed in that room for you, too. MAGGIE Yeah. 'Cause he might get lonely. JACK Yeah, he's not gona get lonely with you there. Come here, let me take a look at this guy. So this is gonna be our cat, huh? MAGGIE Bob. JACK Bob. Yeah. All right. Now, can we get out of here already? Yeah? CELIA Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! MAYOR AIKENS Mr. Burroughs. FRANK Mr. Mayor, do you plan to sue Jack Taylor and the Daily News for the apparently false and certainly unsubstantiated charges they've made against you? MAYOR AIKENS Say, that's not a bad idea. MAGGIE Hey, Dad. That guy's on the bus, too. JACK Would you hurry, please? MAGGIE He has a bigger picture than yours. JACK Do you speak English? MAYOR AIKENS Last question, please. JACK Excuse me! Excuse me. MAYOR AIKENS Last question, please. REPORTERS Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! SAMMY Mom, what are you doing? You're not a reporter. MELANIE I got to do something. Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! SAMMY What are you gonna say? MELANIE I don't know. Mr. Mayor! MAYOR AIKENS Uh, yes! You, on the right. MELANIE I, w-what about Elaine... SAMMY Lieberman. MELANIE Lieberman? MAYOR AIKENS What about her? She's the wife of my Sanitation Commissioner. She's got nothing to do with this. What paper are you with, young lady? MELANIE Uh, I-I-I-I believe Elaine Lieberman has spoken to Jack Taylor and can back up everything he said. MAYOR AIKENS Jack Taylor is a reckless man with a gift for manipulating the truth. MELANIE Uh, I know Jack Taylor, sir, and-and- and-and he is, uh, pretty cocky most of the time, and he does seem to have somewhat of a cavalier attitude, but at least he's honest. MAYOR AIKENS I don't know what relationship you have with Mr. Taylor, miss, but it's quite clear you know nothing about politics and nothing about journalism. That's it. No more questions. Thank you. REPORTERS Mr. Mayor! MAGGIE Melanie! Look, Melanie. I got a kitty. His name's Bob and Dad said I can keep him. JACK Mr. Mayor! CELIA Jack, Elaine Lieberman didn't show up. JACK I know that. Mr. Mayor! PRESS SECRETARY No, no, no, Mr. Taylor. The press conference is over! JACK Mr. Mayor, you may be able to strong-arm Manny Feldstein -- that's tough to do -- and you may be able to buffalo my paper into printing a retraction -- they may actually fire me -- but you and I both know this garbage thing stinks, don't we? MAYOR AIKENS Pitiful, Mr. Taylor. You and your little friend in the outfit, just pitiful. JACK What is pitiful, Mr. Mayor, is that if I had a few minutes more, very well-known Mob front made out to your re-election campaign. MAYOR AIKENS That's a blatant fabrication, Mr. Taylor! We both know that no such canceled check exists. JACK You know something? You're right. I'm confused. There would be no check, but there would be a deposit slip, wouldn't there, Elaine? Come here. Hi. Can I have that, please? ELAINE Hello, Sidney. JACK All right. This is dated March 15th of this year. It is a deposit slip for $250,000. That same day, a deposit was made into your campaign account for $250,000, but I guess that was just a coincidence. PRESS SECRETARY The press conference is over! I said over! REPORTER Mrs. Lieberman, how did you discover the account? JACK Elaine, what can I say? ELAINE Jack, it was my pleasure. JACK All right. See you later. FRANK Jack, could I see that document? JACK In the paper tomorrow, you can, Frank. You guys wanna go to a soccer game? SAMMY Yeah. JACK All right. Come on. Let's go. ELANE All right, my copy. REPORTER Mrs. Lieberman, does your husband know that you've done this? ELAINE My husband. Funny you bring that up. He's in Barbados. B-A-R-B-A-D... JACK That was an excellent moment of my life. MELANIE Congratulations. JACK Thank you. SAMMY Mommy, can we go to the soccer game now? MELANIE Yes, sweetheart. JACK Yeah, boy, come here. MELANIE I really am so sorry about Maggie. Oh, I don't even wanna think about what could've happened. JACK I don't wanna think about it either. When I do think about it, I can't believe that I was issued shellfish and dander warnings, sandbox alerts. You even laughed in my face when I showed up at your office on time. MELANIE I-I know. JACK And then you lost my daughter. MELANIE I know. It was the worst thing I could've ever done. I really am so, so very sorry. JACK So someone else is the irresponsible one, aren't they? MELANIE Yes, they are. JACK I would like to hear you say that. Say it for your kind. MELANIE My kind? JACK Your kind. The, the one with all the balls in the air. That's the least you could do. MELANIE Of course I'll say it, Jack. I was the irresponsible one. JACK Great! MELANIE Taxi! JACK All right. Now say, "I can't do everything on my own." MELANIE Why? JACK Because with one sentence you'll restore my faith in women again. MELANIE Of course, I'll say it for you, Jack. JACK Okay. MELANIE We're never going to get a cab, you know. JACK You can't say it. MELANIE Sure, you can, just as long as you realize that it won't be true. JACK I'm waiting. MELANIE Okay. I can't do everything alone. JACK There. Great. MELANIE Even though my daily activities, year after year, immediately contradict what I just said. JACK Oh, unbelievable! MELANIE You made me grovel for no reason. JACK You groveled for great reason. You are an arrogant ball juggler, baby. MELANIE First of all, don't call me baby. Secondly, if you don't want your balls juggled, don't throw them in my face. JACK I threw them in your face? MELANIE Yes, you did. Starting off this morning when you thrust your stupid column at me as some sort of lame excuse for my son missing his field trip. Balls in my face. Ho ho ho! Big Jack Reporter can't possibly concentrate on mundane details like picking up the phone to say, "Yeah, thanks anyway, but I won't be needing you to take my daughter to school today", and then-- JACK Well, that's not quite how it happened. MELANIE You have to ask, who I can only assume is gonna be one of your many girlfriends, if she's wearing her panties as loud as you can. Balls in my face. And now in the midst of my obvious remorse, you make me grovel? JACK First of all, first of all, I thrust my column in your face because I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I've ever seen in my entire life, and I want-- I wanted to make a good impression. Now, I forgot to call you this morning because I, as opposed to you, am not used to doing everything on my own. So I slipped up there. As for the panties, that remark was directed to my editor Lew, simply to piss you off. MAGGIE Come on, Dad. I've got a taxi. Can we go? JACK Hey, hey. We got the cab. MAGGIE I think my Dad likes your mom. SAMMY Maybe my Mom likes him back. MELANIE Men like you have made me the woman I am. JACK All the women I know like you have made me think all women are like you. MELANIE Oh, my God. I almost forgot. I've got, I've got a meeting, drinks with clients. JACK 5:25. You're never gonna make it. SAMMY Mom, it's the last game of the season. It's for the championship, Mom. And the coach said every kid has to play or they don't get a trophy. Even the losers get a trophy, but you don't get a trophy if you don't play. MELANIE I know, Sammy, but it's on the way. We'll make it. Okay? JACK Let go of it. MELANIE I can't let go of it. It's my job. Hold this. MELANIE Could we go to the 21 Club, instead? 21 West, 52nd Street, and don't try to take 14th or 32nd o-or 44th across. You-You can't take a left a-a-at this hour. Okay, I-I-I know I can, I can do this. No, don't take Broadway. It's bound to be a mess. Uh, try 6th Avenue, but not until after 23rd because of the construction. JACK French-fried eyeballs floating in a bowl of... MAGGIE Snot. JACK Snot. JACK Here we go. MELANIE Uh, why don't you hold the cab? And if I'm not back in fifteen minutes, just go on ahead without me. JACK You're gonna take longer than fifteen minutes. MELANIE I can do this. Okay, baby. SAMMY Mommy, what if you don't come and Daddy doesn't come? MELANIE Oh, sweetheart. I'm going to be there. You're the most important thing to me in the entire world. SAMMY Your job is. MELANIE No, you are, but I have to do this now. Sammy, I know I've dragged you places and left you places, and I've-I've been a crazy person today, but it is going to be better tomorrow. A-And I-I-I promise I won't take longer than fifteen minutes in there, okay? Okay? Huh? JACK Hey, Sammy, come here. Don't worry about it. She'll make it, okay? Let's get you kids ready for soccer. Grab me that bag. HEAD WAITER Hello, how are you? MELANIE Hi. I see my party. LELAND Oh, here she is. YATES SR. I'm glad you could make it. What's your poison? MELANIE Oh, I'll just have some water. YATES SR. Nonsense. We're way ahead of you. You have some catching up to do. LELAND She'll have a dry vodka martini, straight up. JACK Hey, what are you thinking about, kiddo? SAMMY I hope my Daddy can come to our soccer game. JACK Yeah. SAMMY Mommy hopes he can come, too. Last night... Last night, Mom thought I was sleep, but I really wasn't and I heard her say over and over again, "Please let Eddie come. Please let Eddie come." JACK Eddie? Who's Eddie? SAMMY Eddie's my Dad. JACK I hope he comes, too, there, kiddo. YATES JR. We were just discussing plans for a sort of upscale amusement complex for adults. YATES SR. You know, with food and games and rides. YATES JR. No rides, Dad. YATES SR. After drinks, we wanted to take a drive to Stanford. YATES JR. We were hoping to take a look at a kind of a bad version of what we have in mind. LELAND But before we head out, Melanie, maybe you could toss out a few ideas. Just off the top of your head. MELANIE Uh, well, uh, adult amusement complexes u-up until now have been somewhat chessy, uh, usually attached to popular video stores. What I'm thinking of is something, um, a bit more exciting. YATES SR. Hmm. LELAND A drawing might help, don't you think? MELANIE Uh, I... YATES JR. I-I love drawings. MELANIE I don't have a... LELAND Oh. Here you go. MELANIE Oh, okay. Um, uh, let's see. Uh, something like... MELANIE Uh, um... LELAND Isn't that the little lost boy from this morning? YATES SR. What? MELANIE Uh, with, uh, you know, um... MELANIE You know, I can't do this now. And I can't go with you to Stanford now either. Yes, Mr. Leland, that is the little lost boy from this morning, only he's not lost. He's my son. MELANIE I have a child and he has a soccer game in twenty minutes. If he's late, he doesn't get the trophy. And because I'm in here with you, he's probably going to be late. But what gets to me more than anything is, instead of crying about it, he's out there with a big, old smile blowing fish faces at us. Gentlemen, if you're smart, you'll want me as much for my dedication and ability as for the fact that I am going to ditch you right now and I am going to run like hell across town so that my kid knows that what matters to me most is him. And, Mr. Leland, your real grounds for firing me should be if I were to stay here with you. YATES SR. I like her. YATES JR. A lot. MELANIE Well, I probably lost my job, but at least we still have ten minutes to get to the game. JACK Hey, short cut! Short cut! MELANIE In spite of everything, Jack, I, I want you to know that I do sincerely apologize for losing Maggie. JACK That's all right. Same thing happened to me this morning. MELANIE You lost Maggie this morning? JACK Yeah, she wandered off after the office cat. MELANIE It might've been helpful if you'd mentioned her tendency to wander. JACK Yeah. Oh! Well, it might've been helpful-- Here we go. Up here-- If you had mentioned Sammy's tendency to stick things up his nose. MELANIE He didn't! JACK Oh, yeah. Way up there. In fact, they had to use this plier-type thing. MELANIE It's called an alligator, a tool I have come to know well. Okay! JACK Yeah. Kiddo, here we go. Come on. MELANIE See? I told you we'd make it. Any other catastrophes? MAGGIE Lois Lane ate the glass fish. JACK Why does that not surprise me? MAGGIE Sorry, Sammy. MELANIE Lois Lane? JACK Well, come on. We got to hurry up. MAGGIE I gotta go to the bathroom. JACK I'll take you. MELANIE Why don't I take her? MELANIE So, Maggie, you know that lady Celia from your dad's office? MAGGIE Yeah. MELANIE Is she your daddy's girlfriend? MAGGIE No way. She wants to be, but she isn't. He wants somebody who would love his cookie too, and Celia's not the type. MELANIE Here. I'll get that other sock for you. JACK Here we go! JACK Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me that. It's my cat. MELANIE So maybe you and Maggie could come over for some dinner after the game. We could order out a little Chinese or something. Oh, thank God. He's here. SAMMY Dad! MELANIE Oh! So what do you say? JACK Uh, I don't think so. It's been a long day. MELANIE Okay. Yeah, I'm a little, little tired myself. So I guess I should go over and say hi to Sammy's Dad. JACK I usually watch the game over on the sidelines there. That's where I like to watch it. MELANIE Okay. JACK It was a good day. MELANIE Yeah. Okay. JACK All right, come here. EDDIE What? You can't even look at me? MELANIE This is the second game you've made it to in two years, Eddie. EDDIE Look, I'm here, aren't I? SAMMY Daddy! Are you staying for the whole game? Are you? EDDIE You bet I am. SAMMY Cool. I'll play my best. You watch me. My really best. EDDIE That's great. Go get 'em, tiger. EDDIE Come on. I saved us a seat. MAGGIE Here, Dad. SAMMY Hey, Dad! EDDIE You know, part of the reason I came here today was to tell Sammy in person that I'm not gonna be able to make our fishing trip this summer. MELANIE You can't do this to him, Eddie. EDDIE I got a gig playing with Bruce, Mel. MELANIE Can't you see how much he needs you? EDDIE Come on, Mel. You can't expect me to pass this up. COACH Get it, get it! SAMMY Mom! Hey, Mom. Look! Yes. JACK Go, Maggie. Come on! Maggie, come on. Let's go. Down the alley. Right down the alley. Let's go. Watch him. Watch that kid. Bodycheck him, Maggie. Body-check him. MAGGIE But that would be rude, Daddy. JACK That's not rude. That's sports. There you go. Shag it. What-- Hey! Hey! Come on. COACH Who's that guy? JACK Get that kid! JACK Good game there, Sammy. SAMMY Thanks, Jack. JACK I'll see ya. MELANIE Thanks for everything. JACK You, too. I'll see you. Okay, you ready? Okay, hang on. Got it. EDDIE You were great. So I'll see you real soon, okay, big guy? SAMMY Okay. EDDIE Bye, Mel. MELANIE Bye. MELANIE Hey, let's get your rain stuff on, okay? SAMMY Okay. MELANIE Let me see your trophy. MELANIE Wow! You think that's real gold? SAMMY Yeah. MELANIE You do? What is that on his head? SAMMY Soccer ball. MELANIE Oh. JACK Okay, you ready? Arrgh! SAMMY Should we try to get a cab, Mom? MELANIE No. I kind of feel like walking. SAMMY In the rain? MELANIE What do you care? You're dressed for Niagara Falls. SAMMY Mom, I'm hungry. MELANIE Huh? I'll be right there, honey. JACK All right, that's a deal. Gimme this one. Good night. Come here. Good night. MAGGIE Good night. JACK We'll be right here in the box, okay? MAGGIE Okay. JACK All right. MAGGIE You know, Daddy, when me and Melanie were in the bathroom, she asked me if Celia was your girlfriend. JACK She did? MAGGIE Yeah. She really likes you. JACK Hmph. Good night. MAGGIE Good night. JACK She told you she likes me? MAGGIE It's so obvious, Daddy. Good night. JACK Hmm. Did she say anything else about me? MAGGIE I don't know, Daddy. I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna go to sleep now. JACK Okay, yeah. JACK What are we gonna do about those fish? MAGGIE What? JACK We gotta go buy new fish. MAGGIE Now? JACK Yeah. Now? Yes. Sammy can't go back to class tomorrow without those fish. By noon, he'll kill them. MAGGIE But I'm wearing my pajamas. JACK All we gotta do is pick 'em out. MELANIE Hi. JACK Hi. Maggie insisted that we bring Sammy some new fish. MELANIE Thank you. Um, do you guys-- Do you wanna come in for a minute? JACK No, we don't want to-- We don't wanna intrude. MELANIE Oh. Okay. Well... JACK Yes. MELANIE Thanks. JACK Here they are. Okay. MELANIE Okay. Thank you. MAGGIE Come on, Dad. JACK Um... MELANIE Come in. Please. JACK Okay. A few minutes. SAMMY Hi, Jack. JACK Sammy. Hi. Unh! Unh! What do you weigh? SAMMY Wanna come see my room? MAGGIE Okay. JACK Huh. MELANIE You're investigating my apartment. JACK Not as neat as I would've thought. MELANIE Well, it's only neat on Sunday mornings when my mother comes for brunch. If she sees it like this, she shakes her head, which means she's unhappy with my life choices. And then she lets out a sigh that means she would've rather have gone to my sister's for brunch. JACK Um... MELANIE Um, you guys wanna watch a video? MAGGIE & SAMMY Yeah! MELANIE How about "The Wizard of Oz?" SAMMY Yeah! MELANIE You can get all snuggled up on my bed and watch for a little while. SAMMY I wanna watch the whole thing, Mommy. MELANIE It is too late. You can watch for as long as it takes us to drink one cup of coffee. SAMMY Two cups of coffee. MELANIE We'll see. JACK It's always such a dilemma when you have kids. MELANIE After Sammy's dad and I got divorced, I put up pictures of him all over Sammy's room. I guess I wanted to reassure him that no matter what, his dad would still be in his life. You want, uh, cream or... JACK No, that's fine. Sammy's very proud of his daddy. He talked about him all day today. MELANIE I know. I'm sure he did. JACK Is he really, uh, rock 'n' rock drummer? MELANIE Yeah. He's touring with Springsteen this summer. JACK Really? MELANIE Yeah. JACK Springsteen? Wow. Uh, you know, um, I'm beating around the bush here a little bit, and there's something I got to ask you. MELANIE Yes? JACK Uh, why did you spend the entire day flirting with me if you were thinking about getting back with your ex-husband? MELANIE What? I spent the whole day disliking you intensely. You were flirting with me. You even told the kids you wanted to ask me out. JACK I never told them that. MELANIE Yes, you did. That was your big secret. They told me. It was all about you and me and going somewhere and feelings. You were going to ask me out. JACK Okay. The big secret was about Sammy getting my marble stuck up his nose, and I never once even thought about asking you out. MELANIE I am so sure. JACK I don't know why I would even want to. MELANIE You said you thought I was the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen. JACK That was a line. MELANIE That was not a line, Jack, and you know it. You wanted me ever since I knew you were a writer, and you said your attitude was derived from my attitude. JACK And you wanted me ever since the 9th Street Drop-In Center when you saw me putting my watch on Maggie. MELANIE For someone who is so totally disinterested in the other person, you sure do remember every single, minor detail of the entire day. JACK You remember better than I do. MELANIE I do not. JACK Yes, you do. MELANIE No, I don't. JACK What would you do if I kissed you right now? MELANIE You're not gonna kiss me right now. JACK What would you do if I did? MELANIE Do you wanna kiss me right now? JACK I wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't. MELANIE Fine. JACK You're just reeling me in, aren't you? You're like Roy Scheider at the end of Jaws. The minute I open my mouth, you're gonna drop a big bomb in there, then you're gonna wear a set of my teeth around your neck. MELANIE So you're admitting you're a big shark. JACK I am admitting that I am... scared of getting close to anyone again. MELANIE I'm just as scared as you are. JACK Don't bite. MELANIE No, I won't. SAMMY Mommy. MELANIE What? SAMMY Can you fast-forward for us? That mean lady's on, and we hate that apart. MELANIE Sweetheart, you know how to use the fast-forward. SAMMY The remote's broken. MAGGIE And she's stealing Toto. MELANIE There, she's gone. Okay? This is the color part. You love this part. MELANIE Wait. JACK Yeah. Okay. MELANIE No. Let's-Let's do this right. Let me, um, go in and freshen up so I feel a little more like a woman and not a den mommy. Okay? Um, why don't you go in -- go sit over there, and close your eyes, lay your head back and anticipate my return? JACK Okay. MELANIE Or you can go in and watch The Wizard of Oz and wait for me to come back. JACK Yeah, okay. MELANIE Stopped raining. Jack? TV You're out of the woods You're out of the dark You're out of the light Step into the sun, Step into the light Keep straight ahead for the most glorious MAGGIE I wonder what they're doing.