JONAH

JONAH

V 4.1 ©05/08/02 Big Idea Productions, Inc.

Black

Night SFX. We hear the faint sound of a GUITAR frantically strumming a "Rafi" type folk song and the engine of a minivan.

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. SIDE OF wooded, WINDING RURAL ROAD.

The road and surrounding woods are very dark - silhouetted against a cloudy full moon sky. The guitar and engine noise grow louder as we see head lights appear. A porcupine scurries across the road. A minivan full of veggie kids passes by the camera, revealing the darkened woods once again.

Interior - night. veggie van.

JR. ASPARAGUS, PERCY, ANNIE and LAURA are sitting and singing in the second and third rows of the van. LAURA is holding a ticket. DAD ASPARAGUS is sitting in the front passenger seat and facing toward the kids - singing and "playing" the guitar. They are on their way to a "Twippo" concert and are all very excited except for BOB THE TOMATO - he's perturbed and not singing, driving and fumbling with a map.

KIDS and DAD

Now Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 1st day of 1st grade

I'll tell you what he did

He tripped over a pencil box

Flew up in the air

Landed on a kangaroo

Who pulled out all his hair

He needed

1st aid (clap) in the 1st grade (clap)

You could a buy a zoo

With all the doctor bills he paid!

Oh Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 2nd day of 2nd grade

I'll tell you what he did

He slipped on a banana peel

Flew up in the sky

Landed on a chimpanzee

Who poked him in the eye

He needed

1st aid (clap) in the 2nd grade (2claps)

You could a buy a zoo

With all the doctor bills he paid!

BOB

(under breath)

... Route 59?

BOB, while fumbling with the map, inadvertently hits the headlight switch - turning them off. NEAR BLACK. BOB startles.

Bob (cont'd)

AAAAH! LIGHTS! AAAAH!

DAD accidently smacks BOB in the back of the head with the neck of the guitar. As the kids are singing in near black, we hear Bob frantically trying to find the light switch - map rustling, tires squealing, engine revving, etc....

BOB (cont'd)

(ad lib)

Whoa... lights! Lights! Lights!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

HEADLIGHTS back on. Camera street level as the van passes over it. We cut to a rear view to see the van driving on. A beam of moon light reveals a "porcupine crossing" hazard sign.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

BOB gives DAD a stern glance. DAD remains happily "strumming" the guitar.

KIDS AND DAD

Now Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 3rd day of 3rd grade

I'll tell you what he did

He fell out of a fishing boat

Splashed into the sea

Landed on a moray eel

Who bit him on the knee

He needed

1st aid (clap) in the 3rd grade (3claps)

You could a buy a zoo

With all the doctor bills he paid!

LAURA looks down at her ticket, smiling. It reads, "In Concert - Twippo! Backstage Pass"

LAURA

(reverently - with awe)

...I get to meet Twippo...

Laura picks the song right up again...

Song has been increasing in tempo and is now at a fevered pitch.

DAD

Twelfth grade!

KIDS AND DAD

Now Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 12th day of 12th grade

I'll tell you what he did

Walked into financial aid

Fell and broke a bone

Showed them all his bills and

Got a great big College Loan!

And he got

1st aid(clap)in the 12th grade (12claps)

You could a buy a zoo or two with all the doctor bills he paid!

Big Ending. KIDS CHEER and DAD STRUMS wildly at end of song.

KIDS

Hurray!!

KIDS comment:

PERCY

Let's do another Twippo song!

ANNIE

I love Twippo!

Me too!

LAURA

(holding her 'special' ticket aloft)

But I'm the only one who gets to meet him, because I won the Twippo Sweepstakes!

LAURA'S ticket is proudly displayed in Junior's face as she delivers her line.

Ya don't have to rub it in!

DAD

It's great that you won the contest, Laura, but let's try not to brag about it.

(to Bob)

Nice one with the lights, Bob!

BOB, covered in map, receives DAD's sincere compliment sarcastically (with a forced smile and laugh). He then snaps angrily:

BOB

My pleasure. For the next song, maybe I can drive into the river!

DAD startles at BOB's aggression.

KIDS

(cheer, then singing)

Yeah!

Drive into the river Bob!

Oh! Drive into the river Bob!...

BOB (cont'd over kid's)

Or maybe... You could help me with the MAP!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

DAD

Oh... I'm Sorry.

We see DAD leaning over attempting to help BOB. Map rustles around, impairing BOB'S vision once again. Van swerves and squeals.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

laura

(to Junior - teasing and waving ticket in his face.)

Is there anything you want me to tell Twippo, when I meet him?

Tires squeal as van swerves. Laura loses her balance and falls against the side of the van. The ticket flies out a side window.

DAD

Laura!

LaURA

(GASP!!!)

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

We watch the ticket fly out the window and past the camera.

intERIOR. vAN - nIGHT

LAURA

(screams)

My ticket!!!!!

Bob startles, accidently turning the wheel and losing his grip on the map.

bob

Wha-?

Dad startles, whacking Bob again with his guitar, which only makes the situation worse.

dad

Huh? Wha... Quick! Get it!

exT. winding road -nIGHT

The vans tires squeal, as Bob tries to regain control.

bob

The map!!

Guitar boing off Bob's head.

Dad

Sorry!

BOB

AAAH!

laura

(irate)

My ticket!!!!!

Guitar gets stuck in the steering wheel.

Bob

Do you mind?

DaD

I'm stuck. (Grunt)

Dad struggles to free the guitar. He is excited when he finally pulls it free, but both Dad and Bob are horrified as they realize that the steering wheel is pulled off, still stuck to the guitar.

ALL

Aaaahhhh!

Bob

Get it on! Fix it! Put it back!

Much chaos.

Van out of control. We hear more yelling, guitar boinging, etc.... In the foreground, a family of porcupines - a momma and 2 kids, are crossing the road. The van is headed right at them! We cut to the momma porcupine's reaction. She's shocked and terrified! She looks to her babies. Cute, innocent and unaware of the danger, they look back at her with kinked heads and blink. Momma porcupine looks tenderly at her babies, then turns angrily toward the approaching van. Dramatically, she "winds-up".

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

We cut back to Bob as the map falls below his eyes. He reacts in terror to what he then sees: Momma porcupine has her quilled back toward the van with her head turned - looking right at him. The babies stand innocently and blink.

BOB

PORCUPINE!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

Momma porcupine then "pitches" a swarm of quills at the front tires. We follow the flight of the quills on the "quill cam" as they punch into the tires. We hear a couple of explosions from the tires popping.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

all

AAAHH!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

The van performs some donuts as it continues forward. Much screams. Bob spins the wheel wildly, trying to regain control of the van. The porcupines watch in interest as the "screaming" van spins off the side of the road and heads down a steep wooded hill that leads to a river! Bob steers wildly as the van heads through some brush... the kids in the back scream in terror.

In rapid succession, Bob must avoid a series of obstacles, which Dad calls out like a highly-caffeinated sports announcer.

daD

Tree!!!!

Bob swerves wildly to miss a huge tree. Cut to kids in the back, bouncing up and down and screaming as if they were riding bikes down a flight of stairs.

dad (cont'd)

Cabin!!!!

Bob swerves wildly to miss a small FISHERMAN'S CABIN. He avoids the obstacle, but heads right toward the fisherman's CLOTHESLINE, a sturdy, multi-line job strung with several items of clothing, most prominently, a large pair of polka-dotted boxer shorts.

DAD (cont'd)

UNDERWEAR!!!!!!

Bob can't turn in time, and the van heads right through the clothesline, with the boxer shorts plastered across the windshield. The kids startle and scream as if an alien had just landed on the windshield. Amazingly, the 5 nylon cords of the clothesline hold tight, and slow the van to a stop like a small plane caught by cartoon power lines. With visible and audible tension, the stretched cords hold the van still at a 45 degree angle on the side of the hill, no more than 20 feet from the river.

Kids

Aaaaaahhh!

intERIOR van -nIGHT

All is still. Kids are silent, in shock. After a moment, Bob turns to look back and says...

boB

Heh, heh... Well I'm glad that's over!

There is a loud "poing!" SFX. Bob snaps to Dad, who still hasn't moved.

bob (cont'd)

Did you say something?

Another "poing," and now we see what it is. The nylon cords of the clothesline are snapping, one by one.

BOB (cont'd)

(eyes widening)

Oh...

dad

(eyes widening)

... dear...

Poing! Poing! Poing! The last 3 cords snap in rapid succession, and the van lurches toward the river. The kids' eyes widen and they all press back against their seats in unison, and everyone screams like mad!

all

Aaaaaaaaah!!!!!!

eXT. hill -nIGHT

As the van rolls perilously toward the river, a low-angle shot reveals a thick tree stump in its path, about bumper-height, unnoticed by the van's occupants. As they scream and roll ahead, suddenly the bumper meets the tree stump, and the van stops cold, no more than 6 feet from the river

intERIOR. vAN - nIGHT

The tree stump stops the van cold, but also fires both front seat airbags, which inflate and completely engulf Bob and Dad's faces. The screaming dies out. Silence. The kids are afraid to blink. The airbags remain completely inflated, engulfing Bob and Dad who stare into them motionless... wondering if they are dead. After a pause, and not quite sure what has happened, Bob speaks.

bob

(sfx - talking in balloon)

Am I in... heaven?

Beat. There is dust in the air from the airbags.

dad

(sniffs)

Smells like... Wisconsin.

The kids finally let their breath out, and fall back into their seats.

KiDS

(exhale / sigh)

Phew!!!

EXT. RIVERSIDE -NIGHT

LS of the van at the bank of the river. After a pause, the sliding passenger side door opens and we see the veggie kids and dad peeking out into the moonlit night. Dust is settling. Bob pops through the crowd, looks around and exits the van. He looks around a little more.

BOB

Well. Nobody got hurt!

We hear the flying quill SFX and a doink.

BOB (cont'd)

AAAAHHHH!

BOB looks over his "shoulder" to find a small quill stuck in his behind. We hear high pitched laughing. Dad looks back up the hill and sees the three porcupines standing where the van left the road. This time one of the babies has his back to Bob - as if he were the one responsible for the "shot". His mother and sibling are laughing approvingly.

DAD

Wow. What a shot!

BOB

(in pain)

Hrrrgrrr.

Hey! What's that?

Everyone directs their attention to that which Jr. has observed. It's an old rundown shack under a bridge along the bank of the river. The lights from the building glow eerily, dimly illuminating the surrounding landscape. A Red Neon sign reading "SEAFOO" buzzes. There is a dock attached to the restaurant to which are tied a couple decrepid rowboats and a larger "pirate" type ship (see "The Pirates that Don't do Anything's" ship). A fog rises from the river which overflows onto the land. A FOG HORN sounds and a SHIP BELL rings. An occasional SEAGULL call fills the air. Eerie. Cut back to our group's reaction.

ALL

(except BOB,)

Oooooh.

ANNIE

What's "SEAFOO"?

PERCY

... Maybe it's like... tofu.

DAD

... Only saltier.

Cut back to the restaurant. A "D" on the end of the sign flickers a few times, revealing the real word, "SEAFOOD".

ALL

AAAhhhhh.

FADE TO:Black

FADE IN:

Interior - night. LOBBY of Seafood restaurant

We hear Jr. teasing Laura and Bob scolding Dad as our group comes through the front door of the seafood restaurant. It's set up like a typical Red Lobster with a hostess station and waiting area in the lobby, bathrooms and telephones off to the side and a dining room beyond a clam and lobster montage arch. Jean Claude and Phillipe Pea are the hosts and are standing on the host podium. The walls are filled with every imaginable sea creature - both stuffed and painted. Fishing nets hang. A picture of Ahab and Moby Dick adorns the walls, as well. The atmosphere is very mysterious and "salty." The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything's theme in a "moody/nautical" style is playing over the audio system. Dialogue is occurring simultaneously:

BOB

Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in this mess!

daD

I said I was sorry... I'll do better next time!

BOB

There isn't gonna be a next time!!

ANNIE

Mr. Bob?... How are we gonna get to the Twippo concert?

PERCY

Ya! We're gonna miss the bald bunny song!

BOB

(very disgruntled)

I dunno!... I don't know about any bald... bunnies...

laURA

Even if we make it to the concert - I can't get in! I lost my ticket!

JR.

Serves you right! It's your own fault for waving it around in my face!!

PERCY

(singing)

I'm a bald bunny, ain't got no fur I'm a bald bunny, brrr brrr brrr.

ANNIE

I have to go to the bathroom.

DAD

You know I'm usually not that clumsy in the car... Usually I'm quite dexterous.

BOB

Two flat tires. How in the world are we gonna change two flat tires?... Where's the phone?...

PERCY

(singing)

I'm a bald bunny, looking kinda silly

I'm a bald bunny, feeling really chilly...

lauRA

(mourning)

I lost my ticket!

(to Laura)

If you hadn't been teasing me with it, we might not be in this mess, Laura!

Laura looks down sadly. JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIP PEA observe our friends as they enter the restaurant and put up with the racket momentarily, then can take no more...

Jean claude & phillip

(clearing throats, together)

eh.. eh.. Ahem... May we help you?

Our friends stop in their tracks and look up to the imposing hosts. They all pause for a moment then blurt out simultaneously:

BOB

The Asparagus whacked me in the head with a guitar and our van got taken out by a mad porcupine, then another one got me...

BOB turns around and shows his back side with the quill sticking out.

PERCY

(singing)

Bald, bald, bunny, bunny Look over there bunny! Hair over there bunny! What fur? That fur! There's some fur bald bunny!

DAD

Maybe it's because I'm used to the ukulele... The neck is so much shorter... Yeah... that's why... Say... I need to call my wife... Do you have a phone?

Laura was teasing me with her "special ticket," and then it flew right out the window and she screamed and made the van crash..

Jr turns to Laura

JR (cont'd)

and now none of us get to see Twippo!

ANNIE waits for everyone to finish shouting, then comments sweetly:

ANNIE

May I please use the bathroom?

JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIPE look at each other then turn back to the crowd.

PHillipe

Down the hall, first door on the left.

ANNIE

Thank you.

ANNIE hops off toward the bathroom. There is a video game at the end of the hall, as well. PERCY looks on.

PERCY

Oooh! Captain Ahab's Moby Blaster! My favorite!

PERCY follows ANNIE down the hall.

JEAN CLAUDE

What do you want?

BOB

Well sirs... The Asparagus hit me in the head with a guitar and an angry mother porcupine shot out our tires and one of her babies got me...

BOB turns his bottom toward peas

JEAN CLAUDE & PHILLIPE

oooh.

DAD

... and I need to use your phone to call...

BOB

(cutting off Dad)

A tow truck.

DAD

...My wife.

JEAN CLAUDE

I see.

PhILLIPE

(to Dad)

Next to the Moby Blaster.

DAD

Thanks.

DAD hops off toward the phone. BOB, JR. and LAURA remain.

JEAN CLAUDE

... Well... In the meantime, would you like to have a seat? Maybe enjoy a nice... combo platter?...

Cheesy DRUMS starts up...

JEAN CLAUDE & PHILLIPE

(singing)

Steak! Steak! Eat it! Eat it!

Shrimp! Shrimp! Need it! Need it!

Steak and Shrimp! Steak and Shrimp!

Need to! Need to! Eat it! Eat it!

JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIPE do a little dance as they sing. DRUMS stop as abruptly as they started. BOB, LAURA and JR look at each other, concerned. BOB returns a cautious nod.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. DINING ROOM OF SEAFOOD RESTAURANT

BOB, LAURA and JR hop toward their table. They are led by JEAN CLAUDE (menus in hand) and followed by PHILLIPE. PHILLIPE takes note of the quill in BOB'S behind. THE PIRATES WHO DON'T DO ANYTHING theme MUSIC plays over the sound system.

PhILLIPE

Do you prefer "poking" or "non-poking?"

BOB returns an annoyed, forced laugh to PHILLIP'S bad pun.

BOB

heh heh heh... non.

JEAN CLAUDE

Good one Phillipe! You are one clever pea, no?

PHILLIPE

(with his little French laugh)

Un huh huh!

PHILLIPE "yanks" the quill out. This can be implied with a sound effect ("doink") and then showing Phillipe holding the quill.

BOB

AAAH!

PHILLIPE stops hopping and stands there examining the quill as JEAN CLAUDE continues with the other three.

PHILLIPE

(looking at quill)

Whala! A skewer for zee scampi!

PHILLIPE hops back toward the kitchen, revealing (rack focus) three scraggly pirates in a booth. It's "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything": Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt and Larry. They join into the intercom music lazily singing like old high school football players reminiscing about their glory days:

PIRATES

(Singing)

We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything,

We'll just tell you...

We don't do anything!

Cut back to JEAN CLAUDE, BOB, JR and LAURA as they reach their booth. Coincidently, it is right beside where the pirates are sitting. The booths are divided by a sheet of translucent Plexiglas. We hear the light, lazy banter of the pirates (having finished their little chorus) beyond the glass as background noise.

JEAN CLAUDE

Please make yourselves comfortable, I will be back to take your orders...

JEAN CLAUDE places menus on table and hops away.

BOB

Why don't you two wait here. I'm gonna go call a tow truck. Maybe we can still make it to the concert on time.

BOB hops off.

lAURA

(sadly)

Yeah... everyone but me...

Hey, it's your own fault for teasing me! You're just getting what you deserve!

LAURA is frustrated and hurt. She looks to BOB hopping off. Jr. smiles, self-righteously.

LAURA

(frustrated noise)

Hrrrrrrrg... I'm coming with you Mr. Bob...

PIRATES

[add lib lazy comments]

LAURA hops off after BOB. JR remains at the table, gloating in the "divine justice" of Laura's plight. He looks around the restaurant, taking in the surroundings - which are slightly eerie once again. He can see the silhouettes of the pirates through the Plexiglas. They continue their banter. He realizes he is alone, and feels a little frightened.

We return to JR. at the table. He nervously looks around, then spots the menu in front of him. He opens it up and starts to read. We scan it as he reads...

STEAK AND SHRIMP ... $10.00

SCAMPI ON A SKEWER ... $7.50

SCAMPI ON A CLEAN SKEWER ... $10.00

COMPASSION ... MARKET PRICE

This last item seems odd to JR. He raises an eyebrow. We hear a SLIDING SFX.

PA GRAPE

Excuse me!

JR is taken by surprise and startles. He drops his menu, revealing the pirates. They have slid back the translucent Plexiglas from between the booths and now seem quite close. They're all staring at JR.

AAAAAH!

LARRY

How's it goin?

MR. LUNT

Hey. What's up?

(still scared)

Who are you?

PIRATES look around and behind themselves.

PA GRAPE

Who us?

JR thought the question was obvious.

...Yeah...

PA GRAPE

Oh!... We are... "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!"...

MR. LUNT

Oh you know that's right.

LARRY

Nothin'.

MR. LUNT

Zilch.

LARRY

Nada.

PA GRAPE

... Didn'tcha hear our song?

Well.. yeah... but...

PA GRAPE

Look... Sonny... Can I call you Sonny?

Junior.

PA GRAPE

Hey! Pretty close! Look... Junior... We couldn't help but notice you were havin' a little thing with your friend over there.

MR. LUNT

Yeah. You weren't being very nice...

Well, it's her own fault! She was teasing me and now she's getting what she deserves!

PA GRAPE

Right.

(pause)

Junior... we've seen these types of situations before.

MR. LUNT

Happens all the time.

PA GRAPE

What you need is a little compassion.

LARRY

...And maybe some scampi.

JR throws off LARRY'S comment and comments to PA;

Hey... I saw that in the menu... What is that? What's compassion?

MR. LUNT

Ooh. That's a hard question.

LARRY

Mmmm Hmmm.

PA GRAPE

Well... Compassion is when ya see that someone needs help, and ya wanna help 'em!

JR looks confused.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

That's what I thought you'd say.

MR. LUNT

They all do.

LARRY

Yep.

PA GRAPE

We find it helpful to illustrate with a little story.

JR seems interested.

A story?

PA GRAPE

Yep. You know, we call ourselves, "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything." But that's not entirely accurate...

MR. LUNT

Yeah! Remember when we did that one thing... with that one guy?

PA GRAPE

Oh do I ever...

LARRY

(dreamily)

I remember it like it was yesterday...

FADE TO:

ext - day. marketplace of small, israeli town.

3 pirates approach merchant's booth. Mr. Nezzer is merchant. He eyes them suspiciously, but with mild amusement, like one eyes the town eccentric who insists on wearing his underpants on the outside.

nezzer

Are you guys still doin' that 'pirate thing?'

lunt

(resents statement)

Arrgh!! Watch yer tongue matey, or we'll hafta...

(to comrades after beat)

What will we do?

larry

We won't do anything. We're 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything', remember?

lunt

(let down)

Oh, that's right.

(fierce again)

Arrgh! Ya got off easy today!

Nezzer gives him a 'whatever' look and goes about his business.

laRRY

We need more "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!"

pa GRAPE

Ya! And root beer!

nEZZER

I told you boys - no more cheese curls until you pay your tab! You still owe me from last week!

LuNT

But, you'll take away out chance to win the "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!"

Nezzer

... Come again?

Pa GRAPE

Inside one of those bags of cheesy goodness is a golden ticket that'll change our lives forever!!

NeZZER

(thinks)

Well... you could work here for me... That way you could EARN more cheese curls...

PiRATES

[Great! Okay! Sounds good! etc.]

NEZZER

So, uh... Whadaya know how to do?

Pirates think.

Pa GRAPE

Well... I'm pretty good at lawn darts...

LarRY

Ping-pong! I can play ping-pong!

LunT

Croquet is my spe-ci-al-ity...

Nezzer just stares at them.

Pa GRAPE

When do we start?

Nezzer slams the gate down on his booth.

Pa GRAPE (cont'd)

Monday's good for me...

pA narrator (V.O.)

We were short on cash. It seems not doin' anything didn't pay very well.

lunt

So, what do we do now?

laRRY

Mmm - nothing.

LuNT

You are a genius!

Pirates exit, passing by booth where Man is buying fish from Ninevites. 2 Ninevites have a pile of old fish in front of them. Flies buzz around the pile.

Man

Are these fish fresh?

jeAN CLAUDE

You bet!

PhilLIPE

Oh, ya!

Man sniffs - fish are obviously rotten. He nearly faints, then turns and walks away indignantly.