JONAH

V 4.1 05/08/02 Big Idea Productions, Inc.

 

Black

Night SFX. We hear the faint sound of a GUITAR frantically strumming a "Rafi" type folk song and the engine of a minivan.

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. SIDE OF wooded, WINDING RURAL ROAD.

The road and surrounding woods are very dark - silhouetted against a cloudy full moon sky. The guitar and engine noise grow louder as we see head lights appear. A porcupine scurries across the road. A minivan full of veggie kids passes by the camera, revealing the darkened woods once again.

Interior - night. veggie van.

JR. ASPARAGUS, PERCY, ANNIE and LAURA are sitting and singing in the second and third rows of the van. LAURA is holding a ticket. DAD ASPARAGUS is sitting in the front passenger seat and facing toward the kids - singing and "playing" the guitar. They are on their way to a "Twippo" concert and are all very excited except for BOB THE TOMATO - he's perturbed and not singing, driving and fumbling with a map.

KIDS and DAD

 

Now Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 1st day of 1st grade

I'll tell you what he did

 

He tripped over a pencil box

Flew up in the air

Landed on a kangaroo

Who pulled out all his hair

 

He needed

1st aid (clap) in the 1st grade (clap)

1st aid (clap) in the 1st grade (clap)

1st aid (clap) in the 1st grade (clap)

You could a buy a zoo

With all the doctor bills he paid!

 

 

Oh Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 2nd day of 2nd grade

I'll tell you what he did

 

He slipped on a banana peel

Flew up in the sky

Landed on a chimpanzee

Who poked him in the eye

 

He needed

1st aid (clap) in the 2nd grade (2claps)

1st aid (clap) in the 2nd grade (2claps)

1st aid (clap) in the 2nd grade (2claps)

You could a buy a zoo

With all the doctor bills he paid!

BOB

(under breath)

... Route 59?

BOB, while fumbling with the map, inadvertently hits the headlight switch - turning them off. NEAR BLACK. BOB startles.

Bob (cont'd)

AAAAH! LIGHTS! AAAAH!

DAD accidently smacks BOB in the back of the head with the neck of the guitar. As the kids are singing in near black, we hear Bob frantically trying to find the light switch - map rustling, tires squealing, engine revving, etc....

BOB (cont'd)

(ad lib)

Whoa... lights! Lights! Lights!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

HEADLIGHTS back on. Camera street level as the van passes over it. We cut to a rear view to see the van driving on. A beam of moon light reveals a "porcupine crossing" hazard sign.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

BOB gives DAD a stern glance. DAD remains happily "strumming" the guitar.

KIDS AND DAD

Now Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 3rd day of 3rd grade

I'll tell you what he did

 

He fell out of a fishing boat

Splashed into the sea

Landed on a moray eel

Who bit him on the knee

 

He needed

1st aid (clap) in the 3rd grade (3claps)

1st aid (clap) in the 3rd grade (3claps)

1st aid (clap) in the 3rd grade (3claps)

You could a buy a zoo

With all the doctor bills he paid!

LAURA looks down at her ticket, smiling. It reads, "In Concert - Twippo! Backstage Pass"

LAURA

(reverently - with awe)

...I get to meet Twippo...

Laura picks the song right up again...

Song has been increasing in tempo and is now at a fevered pitch.

DAD

Twelfth grade!

KIDS AND DAD

Now Billy Joe McGuffrey

Was a really clumsy kid

On the 12th day of 12th grade

I'll tell you what he did

 

Walked into financial aid

Fell and broke a bone

Showed them all his bills and

Got a great big College Loan!

 

And he got

1st aid(clap)in the 12th grade (12claps)

1st aid(clap)in the 12th grade (12claps)

1st aid(clap)in the 12th grade (12claps)

You could a buy a zoo or two with all the doctor bills he paid!

You could a buy a zoo or two with all the doctor bills he paid!

Big Ending. KIDS CHEER and DAD STRUMS wildly at end of song.

KIDS

Hurray!!

KIDS comment:

PERCY

Let's do another Twippo song!

ANNIE

I love Twippo!

JR

Me too!

LAURA

(holding her 'special' ticket aloft)

But I'm the only one who gets to meet him, because I won the Twippo Sweepstakes!

LAURA'S ticket is proudly displayed in Junior's face as she delivers her line.

JR

Ya don't have to rub it in!

DAD

It's great that you won the contest, Laura, but let's try not to brag about it.

(to Bob)

Nice one with the lights, Bob!

BOB, covered in map, receives DAD's sincere compliment sarcastically (with a forced smile and laugh). He then snaps angrily:

BOB

My pleasure. For the next song, maybe I can drive into the river!

DAD startles at BOB's aggression.

KIDS

(cheer, then singing)

Yeah!

Drive into the river Bob!

Oh! Drive into the river Bob!...

BOB (cont'd over kid's)

Or maybe... You could help me with the MAP!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

DAD

Oh... I'm Sorry.

We see DAD leaning over attempting to help BOB. Map rustles around, impairing BOB'S vision once again. Van swerves and squeals.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

laura

(to Junior - teasing and waving ticket in his face.)

Is there anything you want me to tell Twippo, when I meet him?

Tires squeal as van swerves. Laura loses her balance and falls against the side of the van. The ticket flies out a side window.

DAD

Laura!

LaURA

(GASP!!!)

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

We watch the ticket fly out the window and past the camera.

intERIOR. vAN - nIGHT

LAURA

(screams)

My ticket!!!!!

Bob startles, accidently turning the wheel and losing his grip on the map.

bob

Wha-?

Dad startles, whacking Bob again with his guitar, which only makes the situation worse.

dad

Huh? Wha... Quick! Get it!

exT. winding road -nIGHT

The vans tires squeal, as Bob tries to regain control.

bob

The map!!

Guitar boing off Bob's head.

Dad

Sorry!

 

BOB

AAAH!

laura

(irate)

My ticket!!!!!

Guitar gets stuck in the steering wheel.

Bob

Do you mind?

DaD

I'm stuck. (Grunt)

Dad struggles to free the guitar. He is excited when he finally pulls it free, but both Dad and Bob are horrified as they realize that the steering wheel is pulled off, still stuck to the guitar.

ALL

Aaaahhhh!

Bob

Get it on! Fix it! Put it back!

 

Much chaos.

Van out of control. We hear more yelling, guitar boinging, etc.... In the foreground, a family of porcupines - a momma and 2 kids, are crossing the road. The van is headed right at them! We cut to the momma porcupine's reaction. She's shocked and terrified! She looks to her babies. Cute, innocent and unaware of the danger, they look back at her with kinked heads and blink. Momma porcupine looks tenderly at her babies, then turns angrily toward the approaching van. Dramatically, she "winds-up".

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

We cut back to Bob as the map falls below his eyes. He reacts in terror to what he then sees: Momma porcupine has her quilled back toward the van with her head turned - looking right at him. The babies stand innocently and blink.

BOB

PORCUPINE!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

Momma porcupine then "pitches" a swarm of quills at the front tires. We follow the flight of the quills on the "quill cam" as they punch into the tires. We hear a couple of explosions from the tires popping.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN.

all

AAAHH!

EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD.

The van performs some donuts as it continues forward. Much screams. Bob spins the wheel wildly, trying to regain control of the van. The porcupines watch in interest as the "screaming" van spins off the side of the road and heads down a steep wooded hill that leads to a river! Bob steers wildly as the van heads through some brush... the kids in the back scream in terror.

In rapid succession, Bob must avoid a series of obstacles, which Dad calls out like a highly-caffeinated sports announcer.

daD

Tree!!!!

Bob swerves wildly to miss a huge tree. Cut to kids in the back, bouncing up and down and screaming as if they were riding bikes down a flight of stairs.

dad (cont'd)

Cabin!!!!

Bob swerves wildly to miss a small FISHERMAN'S CABIN. He avoids the obstacle, but heads right toward the fisherman's CLOTHESLINE, a sturdy, multi-line job strung with several items of clothing, most prominently, a large pair of polka-dotted boxer shorts.

DAD (cont'd)

UNDERWEAR!!!!!!

Bob can't turn in time, and the van heads right through the clothesline, with the boxer shorts plastered across the windshield. The kids startle and scream as if an alien had just landed on the windshield. Amazingly, the 5 nylon cords of the clothesline hold tight, and slow the van to a stop like a small plane caught by cartoon power lines. With visible and audible tension, the stretched cords hold the van still at a 45 degree angle on the side of the hill, no more than 20 feet from the river.

Kids

Aaaaaahhh!

intERIOR van -nIGHT

All is still. Kids are silent, in shock. After a moment, Bob turns to look back and says...

boB

Heh, heh... Well I'm glad that's over!

There is a loud "poing!" SFX. Bob snaps to Dad, who still hasn't moved.

bob (cont'd)

Did you say something?

Another "poing," and now we see what it is. The nylon cords of the clothesline are snapping, one by one.

BOB (cont'd)

(eyes widening)

Oh...

dad

(eyes widening)

... dear...

Poing! Poing! Poing! The last 3 cords snap in rapid succession, and the van lurches toward the river. The kids' eyes widen and they all press back against their seats in unison, and everyone screams like mad!

all

Aaaaaaaaah!!!!!!

eXT. hill -nIGHT

As the van rolls perilously toward the river, a low-angle shot reveals a thick tree stump in its path, about bumper-height, unnoticed by the van's occupants. As they scream and roll ahead, suddenly the bumper meets the tree stump, and the van stops cold, no more than 6 feet from the river

intERIOR. vAN - nIGHT

The tree stump stops the van cold, but also fires both front seat airbags, which inflate and completely engulf Bob and Dad's faces. The screaming dies out. Silence. The kids are afraid to blink. The airbags remain completely inflated, engulfing Bob and Dad who stare into them motionless... wondering if they are dead. After a pause, and not quite sure what has happened, Bob speaks.

bob

(sfx - talking in balloon)

Am I in... heaven?

Beat. There is dust in the air from the airbags.

dad

(sniffs)

Smells like... Wisconsin.

The kids finally let their breath out, and fall back into their seats.

KiDS

(exhale / sigh)

Phew!!!

EXT. RIVERSIDE -NIGHT

LS of the van at the bank of the river. After a pause, the sliding passenger side door opens and we see the veggie kids and dad peeking out into the moonlit night. Dust is settling. Bob pops through the crowd, looks around and exits the van. He looks around a little more.

BOB

Well. Nobody got hurt!

We hear the flying quill SFX and a doink.

BOB (cont'd)

AAAAHHHH!

BOB looks over his "shoulder" to find a small quill stuck in his behind. We hear high pitched laughing. Dad looks back up the hill and sees the three porcupines standing where the van left the road. This time one of the babies has his back to Bob - as if he were the one responsible for the "shot". His mother and sibling are laughing approvingly.

DAD

Wow. What a shot!

BOB

(in pain)

Hrrrgrrr.

JR

Hey! What's that?

Everyone directs their attention to that which Jr. has observed. It's an old rundown shack under a bridge along the bank of the river. The lights from the building glow eerily, dimly illuminating the surrounding landscape. A Red Neon sign reading "SEAFOO" buzzes. There is a dock attached to the restaurant to which are tied a couple decrepid rowboats and a larger "pirate" type ship (see "The Pirates that Don't do Anything's" ship). A fog rises from the river which overflows onto the land. A FOG HORN sounds and a SHIP BELL rings. An occasional SEAGULL call fills the air. Eerie. Cut back to our group's reaction.

ALL

(except BOB,)

Oooooh.

ANNIE

What's "SEAFOO"?

PERCY

... Maybe it's like... tofu.

DAD

... Only saltier.

Cut back to the restaurant. A "D" on the end of the sign flickers a few times, revealing the real word, "SEAFOOD".

ALL

AAAhhhhh.

FADE TO:Black

.

FADE IN:

Interior - night. LOBBY of Seafood restaurant

We hear Jr. teasing Laura and Bob scolding Dad as our group comes through the front door of the seafood restaurant. It's set up like a typical Red Lobster with a hostess station and waiting area in the lobby, bathrooms and telephones off to the side and a dining room beyond a clam and lobster montage arch. Jean Claude and Phillipe Pea are the hosts and are standing on the host podium. The walls are filled with every imaginable sea creature - both stuffed and painted. Fishing nets hang. A picture of Ahab and Moby Dick adorns the walls, as well. The atmosphere is very mysterious and "salty." The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything's theme in a "moody/nautical" style is playing over the audio system. Dialogue is occurring simultaneously:

BOB

Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in this mess!

daD

I said I was sorry... I'll do better next time!

BOB

There isn't gonna be a next time!!

ANNIE

Mr. Bob?... How are we gonna get to the Twippo concert?

PERCY

Ya! We're gonna miss the bald bunny song!

BOB

(very disgruntled)

I dunno!... I don't know about any bald... bunnies...

laURA

Even if we make it to the concert - I can't get in! I lost my ticket!

JR.

Serves you right! It's your own fault for waving it around in my face!!

PERCY

(singing)

I'm a bald bunny, ain't got no fur I'm a bald bunny, brrr brrr brrr.

ANNIE

I have to go to the bathroom.

DAD

You know I'm usually not that clumsy in the car... Usually I'm quite dexterous.

BOB

Two flat tires. How in the world are we gonna change two flat tires?... Where's the phone?...

PERCY

(singing)

I'm a bald bunny, looking kinda silly

I'm a bald bunny, feeling really chilly...

lauRA

(mourning)

I lost my ticket!

JR

(to Laura)

If you hadn't been teasing me with it, we might not be in this mess, Laura!

 

Laura looks down sadly. JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIP PEA observe our friends as they enter the restaurant and put up with the racket momentarily, then can take no more...

Jean claude & phillip

(clearing throats, together)

eh.. eh.. Ahem... May we help you?

Our friends stop in their tracks and look up to the imposing hosts. They all pause for a moment then blurt out simultaneously:

BOB

The Asparagus whacked me in the head with a guitar and our van got taken out by a mad porcupine, then another one got me...

BOB turns around and shows his back side with the quill sticking out.

PERCY

(singing)

Bald, bald, bunny, bunny Look over there bunny! Hair over there bunny! What fur? That fur! There's some fur bald bunny!

DAD

Maybe it's because I'm used to the ukulele... The neck is so much shorter... Yeah... that's why... Say... I need to call my wife... Do you have a phone?

JR

Laura was teasing me with her "special ticket," and then it flew right out the window and she screamed and made the van crash..

Jr turns to Laura

JR (cont'd)

and now none of us get to see Twippo!

ANNIE waits for everyone to finish shouting, then comments sweetly:

ANNIE

May I please use the bathroom?

JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIPE look at each other then turn back to the crowd.

PHillipe

Down the hall, first door on the left.

ANNIE

Thank you.

ANNIE hops off toward the bathroom. There is a video game at the end of the hall, as well. PERCY looks on.

PERCY

Oooh! Captain Ahab's Moby Blaster! My favorite!

PERCY follows ANNIE down the hall.

JEAN CLAUDE

What do you want?

BOB

Well sirs... The Asparagus hit me in the head with a guitar and an angry mother porcupine shot out our tires and one of her babies got me...

BOB turns his bottom toward peas

JEAN CLAUDE & PHILLIPE

oooh.

DAD

... and I need to use your phone to call...

BOB

(cutting off Dad)

A tow truck.

DAD

...My wife.

JEAN CLAUDE

I see.

PhILLIPE

(to Dad)

Next to the Moby Blaster.

DAD

Thanks.

DAD hops off toward the phone. BOB, JR. and LAURA remain.

JEAN CLAUDE

... Well... In the meantime, would you like to have a seat? Maybe enjoy a nice... combo platter?...

Cheesy DRUMS starts up...

JEAN CLAUDE & PHILLIPE

(singing)

Steak! Steak! Eat it! Eat it!

Shrimp! Shrimp! Need it! Need it!

Steak and Shrimp! Steak and Shrimp!

Need to! Need to! Eat it! Eat it!

JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIPE do a little dance as they sing. DRUMS stop as abruptly as they started. BOB, LAURA and JR look at each other, concerned. BOB returns a cautious nod.

INTERIOR - NIGHT. DINING ROOM OF SEAFOOD RESTAURANT

BOB, LAURA and JR hop toward their table. They are led by JEAN CLAUDE (menus in hand) and followed by PHILLIPE. PHILLIPE takes note of the quill in BOB'S behind. THE PIRATES WHO DON'T DO ANYTHING theme MUSIC plays over the sound system.

PhILLIPE

Do you prefer "poking" or "non-poking?"

BOB returns an annoyed, forced laugh to PHILLIP'S bad pun.

BOB

heh heh heh... non.

JEAN CLAUDE

Good one Phillipe! You are one clever pea, no?

PHILLIPE

(with his little French laugh)

Un huh huh!

PHILLIPE "yanks" the quill out. This can be implied with a sound effect ("doink") and then showing Phillipe holding the quill.

BOB

AAAH!

PHILLIPE stops hopping and stands there examining the quill as JEAN CLAUDE continues with the other three.

PHILLIPE

(looking at quill)

Whala! A skewer for zee scampi!

PHILLIPE hops back toward the kitchen, revealing (rack focus) three scraggly pirates in a booth. It's "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything": Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt and Larry. They join into the intercom music lazily singing like old high school football players reminiscing about their glory days:

PIRATES

(Singing)

We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything,

We'll just tell you...

We don't do anything!

Cut back to JEAN CLAUDE, BOB, JR and LAURA as they reach their booth. Coincidently, it is right beside where the pirates are sitting. The booths are divided by a sheet of translucent Plexiglas. We hear the light, lazy banter of the pirates (having finished their little chorus) beyond the glass as background noise.

JEAN CLAUDE

Please make yourselves comfortable, I will be back to take your orders...

JEAN CLAUDE places menus on table and hops away.

BOB

Why don't you two wait here. I'm gonna go call a tow truck. Maybe we can still make it to the concert on time.

BOB hops off.

lAURA

(sadly)

Yeah... everyone but me...

jR

Hey, it's your own fault for teasing me! You're just getting what you deserve!

LAURA is frustrated and hurt. She looks to BOB hopping off. Jr. smiles, self-righteously.

LAURA

(frustrated noise)

Hrrrrrrrg... I'm coming with you Mr. Bob...

PIRATES

[add lib lazy comments]

LAURA hops off after BOB. JR remains at the table, gloating in the "divine justice" of Laura's plight. He looks around the restaurant, taking in the surroundings - which are slightly eerie once again. He can see the silhouettes of the pirates through the Plexiglas. They continue their banter. He realizes he is alone, and feels a little frightened.

We return to JR. at the table. He nervously looks around, then spots the menu in front of him. He opens it up and starts to read. We scan it as he reads...

STEAK AND SHRIMP ... $10.00

SCAMPI ON A SKEWER ... $7.50

SCAMPI ON A CLEAN SKEWER ... $10.00

COMPASSION ... MARKET PRICE

This last item seems odd to JR. He raises an eyebrow. We hear a SLIDING SFX.

PA GRAPE

Excuse me!

JR is taken by surprise and startles. He drops his menu, revealing the pirates. They have slid back the translucent Plexiglas from between the booths and now seem quite close. They're all staring at JR.

JR

AAAAAH!

LARRY

How's it goin?

MR. LUNT

Hey. What's up?

JR

(still scared)

Who are you?

PIRATES look around and behind themselves.

PA GRAPE

Who us?

JR thought the question was obvious.

JR

...Yeah...

PA GRAPE

Oh!... We are... "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!"...

MR. LUNT

Oh you know that's right.

LARRY

Nothin'.

MR. LUNT

Zilch.

LARRY

Nada.

PA GRAPE

... Didn'tcha hear our song?

JR

Well.. yeah... but...

PA GRAPE

Look... Sonny... Can I call you Sonny?

JR

Junior.

PA GRAPE

Hey! Pretty close! Look... Junior... We couldn't help but notice you were havin' a little thing with your friend over there.

MR. LUNT

Yeah. You weren't being very nice...

JR

Well, it's her own fault! She was teasing me and now she's getting what she deserves!

PA GRAPE

Right.

(pause)

Junior... we've seen these types of situations before.

MR. LUNT

Happens all the time.

PA GRAPE

What you need is a little compassion.

LARRY

...And maybe some scampi.

JR throws off LARRY'S comment and comments to PA;

JR

Hey... I saw that in the menu... What is that? What's compassion?

MR. LUNT

Ooh. That's a hard question.

LARRY

Mmmm Hmmm.

PA GRAPE

Well... Compassion is when ya see that someone needs help, and ya wanna help 'em!

JR looks confused.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

That's what I thought you'd say.

MR. LUNT

They all do.

LARRY

Yep.

PA GRAPE

We find it helpful to illustrate with a little story.

JR seems interested.

JR

A story?

PA GRAPE

Yep. You know, we call ourselves, "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything." But that's not entirely accurate...

MR. LUNT

Yeah! Remember when we did that one thing... with that one guy?

PA GRAPE

Oh do I ever...

LARRY

(dreamily)

I remember it like it was yesterday...

FADE TO:

ext - day. marketplace of small, israeli town.

3 pirates approach merchant's booth. Mr. Nezzer is merchant. He eyes them suspiciously, but with mild amusement, like one eyes the town eccentric who insists on wearing his underpants on the outside.

nezzer

Are you guys still doin' that 'pirate thing?'

lunt

(resents statement)

Arrgh!! Watch yer tongue matey, or we'll hafta...

(to comrades after beat)

What will we do?

larry

We won't do anything. We're 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything', remember?

lunt

(let down)

Oh, that's right.

(fierce again)

Arrgh! Ya got off easy today!

Nezzer gives him a 'whatever' look and goes about his business.

laRRY

We need more "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!"

pa GRAPE

Ya! And root beer!

nEZZER

I told you boys - no more cheese curls until you pay your tab! You still owe me from last week!

LuNT

But, you'll take away out chance to win the "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!"

Nezzer

... Come again?

Pa GRAPE

Inside one of those bags of cheesy goodness is a golden ticket that'll change our lives forever!!

NeZZER

(thinks)

Well... you could work here for me... That way you could EARN more cheese curls...

PiRATES

[Great! Okay! Sounds good! etc.]

NEZZER

So, uh... Whadaya know how to do?

Pirates think.

Pa GRAPE

Well... I'm pretty good at lawn darts...

LarRY

Ping-pong! I can play ping-pong!

LunT

Croquet is my spe-ci-al-ity...

Nezzer just stares at them.

Pa GRAPE

When do we start?

Nezzer slams the gate down on his booth.

Pa GRAPE (cont'd)

Monday's good for me...

pA narrator (V.O.)

We were short on cash. It seems not doin' anything didn't pay very well.

lunt

So, what do we do now?

laRRY

Mmm - nothing.

LuNT

You are a genius!

Pirates exit, passing by booth where Man is buying fish from Ninevites. 2 Ninevites have a pile of old fish in front of them. Flies buzz around the pile.

Man

Are these fish fresh?

jeAN CLAUDE

You bet!

PhilLIPE

Oh, ya!

Man sniffs - fish are obviously rotten. He nearly faints, then turns and walks away indignantly.

Man

Oh!

jeAN CLAUDE

What?!? They were fresh when we caught them...

PhILLIPE

Zat's right...

JeaN CLAUDE

...two weeks ago!!

Jean CLAUDE & PHILLIPE

Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha hee!

Other Ninevite laughs.

Cut to Larry - looking on.

larrY

(concerned/disgusted)

Mm. Ninevites.

pa narrator (VO)

Beside the fact that we were low on funds, this was a memorable day because he showed up!

Larry and others turn to look at a tall figure entering the market. It is JONAH (Archibald Asparagus), riding very regally on his camel REGINALD. As Pa speaks, we watch Jonah ride into the market as well as the reactions of the crowd to the presence of a prophet. (SCORE - Theme 2B-271.)

pa narrator (cont'd)

Jonah!

(musical sting)

Now Jonah was a prophet of God - which means he was one of the very special people God used to deliver messages to Israel. He was kind of like a mailman, except his letters came straight from God!!

(Pa gets a little too excited on that line.)

Ahem. Anyway... Jonah loved helping his friends by bringing them God's messages. Sometimes the messages were good, sometimes they were not so good. But when a prophet talked, everybody listened!

nEZZER

(yelling out)

What's the word, Jonah?

townspeople

(various)

(What's the word? Yeah, what's the word?)

Jonah looks around smartly, then pulls up his camel.

jonah

Stop right here, Reginald.

Reginald

Rpbbpbpbf!

Reginald snuffles and pulls up short. From his demeanor, it is obvious that he too, is British. Jonah glances around for a moment, then speaks. Music starts.

joNAH

Dear people, I bring you a message from the Lord!

The crowd catches their breath and stiffens, fearing the worst.

Crowd

Gasp!

joNAH

Oh... it's a message of encouragement!

CROWD

Phew! (Sigh?)

Crowd relaxes visibly.

jonAH

(singing)

Do not fight,

Do not cheat,

Wash your hands before you eat,

There is nothing quite as sweet - a message from the Lord!

 

Be a friend,

Say your prayers,

Heaven loves a heart that cares,

That is why I've come to share a message from the Lord!

 

And if you follow God's commands -

There will be peace throughout the land!

You will live long and happy lives!

With your sheep - your kids - your wives!!

joNAH (cont'd)

(singing)

Don't eat pigs,

Show merchant selling pork products. He tries to look inconspicuous.

jonah (cont'd)

Don't eat bats.

MERCHANT #2 is selling "bat-on-a-sticks". He tries to look inconspicuous.

jonah (cont'd)

Don't eat beetles, flies or gnats.

MERCHANT #3 is selling, you guessed it, bug burgers. He too, tries to look inconspicuous.

jonah (cont'd)

Stay away from all of that! A message from the Lord!

3 merchants pull out new signs or flip tables over. All 3 are now selling bagels.

jonah (cont'd)

(singing)

Do what's right,

Don't provoke,

Jonah approaches MAN WEARING CLOAK.

joNAH (cont'd)

(singing)

Put four tassels on your cloak.

KID next to man cracks up.

joNAH (cont'd)

(singing)

Do not laugh, it's not a joke! A message from the Lord!

Townspeople start to pick up song. Jonah echoes each line with a "That's right! Now you've got it!" Etc.

Townspeople

(singing)

Do not fight,

Do not cheat,

woman #1

Wash your hands before you eat,

man #1

There is nothing quite as sweet -

WOman #2

a message from the Lord!

joNAH

All together now!

towNSPEOPLE

(singing)

Be a friend,

Say your prayers,

Heaven loves a heart that cares,

That is why he came to share a message from the Lord!

Repeat stanza instrumentally. Tempo picks up - townspeople break into 'Oklahoma'-style dance around market. Townspeople resume singing at new tempo.

towNSPEOPLE (cont'd)

And if we follow God's commands -

Women in Cart

Yodel-ah-ha-ah

Townspeople

There will be peace throughout our land!

WoMEN IN CART

Yodel-ah-ha-ah

ToWNSPEOPLE

We will live long and happy lives!

With our sheep - our kids - our wives!!

 

Do what's right,

Don't provoke,

Put four tassels on your cloak.

Do not laugh, it's not a joke! A message from the Lord!

joNAH

Don't do drugs!

Stay in school!

cockney townsperson

This is quite a lot of rules!

joNAH

Follow them and you're no fool, a-

townSPEOPLE

Follow them and you're no fool, a-

joNAH

Follow them and you're no fool,

all

A message from the Lord!!

joNAH

Follow them and you're no fool,

all

A message from the Lord!

A message from the Lord!!

Crowd strikes a final pose - holds it for a few beats - then everyone goes back to their business.

joNAH

Alright, good show everyone! Thank you very much!

pa nARRATOR (vo)

That was pretty much Jonah's life! Town to town... bringing God's messages to his friends... not a bad gig, overall!

 

diSSOLVE TO:

ext - night. outside jonah's tent.

Small, colorful tent set up on the edge of town. (Big enough to stand up in, but wouldn't hold more than 3 or 4 people.) Oil lamp is primary source of light, hanging near tent's small window.

disSOLVE TO:

int - night. inside jonah's tent.

Jonah is ready for bed, praying. Either seated or standing, depending on acting logistics. There is a map of Israel on the wall, painted on a large piece of papyrus. The map extends just enough to show Nineveh in the far upper right corner.

pa nARRATOR

So, every night before he went to sleep, Jonah would pray and ask God if there was a new message for him to deliver. And this night, there was a message that would change Jonah's life!

 

jonAH

(eyes closed - 'conversing' with God)

A new message... yes... what's that? People being unkind? Lying? Stealing? Oh, dear! Sounds like a standard "turn and repent" to me. Alright... name the town! I'll be on my way first thing in the morning! Where is it? Jericho? Damascus?

(pause)

What? Nineveh?

Jonah opens his eyes and scans his map.

joNAH (cont'd)

(confused)

I'm not aware of any Nineveh's in Israel... no, I don't think...

(pause - eyes widen)

Oh... you mean that Nineveh?

PA NARRATOR

(Pan and zoom across map to Nineveh.)

That Nineveh wasn't in Israel at all! It was the capital of Assyria and it was the biggest, meanest city around!

(Show dark, scary city)

Now, the people of Nineveh were particularly mean to Jonah's people - the Israelites. They lied! They stole! But worst of all, they slapped people with fishes!

(Show Ninevites doing the above to several Israelites)

Ninevite pea

Yes!!

PA NARRATOR

They even slapped each other with fishes! They didn't know the difference between right and wrong. The Ninevites were so mean, in fact, that most Israelites - including Jonah - wished God would just wipe Nineveh off the face of the Earth!

(Show fire from heaven consuming Nineveh - comically)

Ninevite pea

(yelling)

Pa Narrator

Needless to say, Jonah was shocked that God would want him to deliver a message to his enemies

Back to Jonah.

JONAH

(confused)

You - you don't want me to go there.... You don't know what Nineveh is like! Perhaps you've never been there... Well, of course, you haven't! A god like you would never go to a place like Nineveh! For that matter, either would a prophet like me! Ha ha..

(nervous laugh - then singing )

No, it cannot be...

Your messages are meant for me... and my brothers.

We are you're chosen people - and Nineveh... well, they're not!

There must be some mistake - a big misunderstanding.

It's really hard to take - how could you be so demanding?

For years I've been your messenger from Moresheth to Gath.

But Nineveh should get no chance to turn - they've earned your wrath!

No, it cannot be...

Your messages are meant for me... and my brothers.

We are you're chosen people - and Nineveh... well, they're not!

 

(speaking)

We're the good guys... they're the bad guys! Please, don't send me there with a message of your mercy!

 

(singing)

Damascus or Jerusalem - I'll be there in a minute!

Any town in Israel, just ask me! I'll be in it!

 

Shiloh, Gilgal, Jericho - just say the word!

But Nineveh - that is just absurd!

Joppa, Aphek, Jezreel - they're all just fine -

But Nineveh...

(thoughtful)

oh, Nineveh...

(resolute)

No! Nineveh is where I draw the line!

Jonah rips off section of map containing Nineveh on closing beat, cutting a clear line across map.

cut TO:

ext - night. Jonah's tent. near ground angle.

Glow in tent window is the only warm tone in an otherwise blue night scene. He's the only one awake in town. Jonah flings the crumpled up piece of map out the window. It bounces up near the camera.

cut TO:

int - Jonah's tent.

Jonah lies back on his mat, staring up thoughtfully.

jonAH

(singing)

No, it cannot be...

Your messages are meant for me.

 

He turns away from the camera and the wind picks up, blowing out his small OIL LAMP.

cut to black.

int - night. seafood restaurant

Besides Junior, a few more people have gathered around to hear the story, Laura included. They are entranced.

Laura is now sitting beside Junior, listening.

pa GRAPE

Yup. It sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to Jonah's enemies.

Bob returns, sliding into the booth, oblivious to the story.

bob

The tow truck's on it's way. Ya know, Junior, I love your dad and all, but that's the last time I pick him for a copilot

Bob notices the pirates staring.

bOB (cont'd)

Uh... what's going on?

Lunt slurps on his straw. Pa stares at him for a beat.

pa GRAPE

Ahem... We're telling a little story. You should listen, too.

Bob glances around, then nods and smiles feebly.

pa GRAPE (cont'd)

As I was saying, it sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to the Ninevites.

laura

What's 'mercy'?

lunt

It's what this whole story is about!

junior

I thought it was about compassion... remember? The menu?

Mr. Lunt looks a little embarrassed.

lunt

Uh, yeah. There's that, too.

pa GRAPE

Better check your menu again - we got TWO specials today... and they go hand in hand!

Junior picks up his menu, just in time to see "MERCY..... MARKET PRICE" fade in right beneath compassion.

larry

Compassion is when you want to help someone who needs help. Mercy is when you give someone a second chance... even if they don't deserve it! This story is about both of them!

PA GRAPE

That's right, my cucumber friend. Ya can't have mercy without compassion... but mercy is even more important! Jonah was afraid God was going to give Nineveh a second chance - that he was going to help them even though they didn't deserve it!

laura

So what did he do?

dissOLVE TO:

ext - day. outside jonah's tent.

pa nARRATOR

Well, never before had he gotten a message from God that he didn't want to deliver! He didn't know what to do!

Jonah backs out of tent, shutting the flap behind him. No sooner does he turn around, than he is greeted warmly by townspeople.

jerry

Good morning, Jonah! What's the word?

Jonah starts to panic.

joNAH

What? Nothing! There is no word!

jerry

(surprised)

Nothing at all?

joNAH

No!! Nothing at all! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm very busy!

Jonah hurries off, only to be greeted by another townsperson.

neZZER

Good morning Jonah! What's the word?

joNAH

(very panicky)

Stop it!! There is no word!! Nothing!!

(to himself)

I've got to get out of here!

Jonah starts to run. Nezzer looks after, confused.

joNAH (cont'd)

(running, looking over shoulders to make sure no one's following)

There is no word... I have no new messages!!

And above all, I am not... going... to... Nineveh!!

Jonah runs face first into giant map of middle east, posted next to a merchant's booth advertising cruise tickets.

cut TO:

ext - day. dockside.

The merchant is SCOOTER. He has a small booth right at the edge of the dock. He sells tickets for cruises out of this small port. There are several ships docked behind him, one of which belongs to the Pirates.

scooter

Sorry, sir! I can't sell ya a ticket to Nineveh!

jonAH

(confused)

What?!? Who are you?!?

scooter

The name's Angus. I sell cruise tickets! There's nothing like a cruise on the Great Sea ta clean the sand outa yer wicket, aye? But ya can't sail ta Nineveh! It's landlocked! See?

(gestures with a loud 'thwack!' to map with pointer)

Ya can't go by sea... ya gotta go by land!

jonAH

(still confused)

But I don't want to go to-

Jonah is interrupted by passing townspeople

wOMAN #1

Oh, hello Mr. Jonah! What's the word?

sCOOTER

Ah! He's goin' ta Nineveh!!

wOMAN #1

Oh, really?

jonAH

(erupts)

I am not going to Nineveh! Why on Earth would I want to go to Nineveh?!? In fact, I'm going in the opposite direction!

(looks to map)

What's the furthest thing in the world from Nineveh?

SCOOTER

Well if you have a few days, you could sail down to Egypt... it's lovely this time of year...

Something on the map has caught Jonah's eye. He isn't listening.

jonAH

There! I want to go there!

Camera follows Jonah's gaze to the far end of the map - to an area called "Tarshish."

SCOOTER

Wha-? Tarshish? Why, that would take weeks! It's the other end of the world!!

jonAH

Perfect! How much?

SCOOTER

Even if you had the money, no one around here has the time to sail all the way to Tarshish...

Scooter notices one of the Pirates lounging above deck in a recliner, listening to their theme song on a cheap, AM radio.

scoOTER (cont'd)

Then again...

Jonah notices Pirates as well.

cut TO:

ext - day. Pirate ship - above deck.

All 3 Pirates are lined up, explaining why they can't possibly sail to Tarshish.

pa GRAPE

(overlapping)

We couldn't possibly... we're very busy with... cargo... and stuff...

lunt

You know, Pirates have to pillage and plunder and... uh, that really takes it out of you...

larry

... and Alf is on in a half-hour so I don't think we should... uh...

pa GRAPE

... and besides that, we don't really sail.

(beat)

At all.

(beat)

So the answer is 'no.'

jonAH

(after a pause)

Money is no object.

Pregnant pause. The Pirates are motionless. Then Pa Grape breaks the silence.

pa GRAPE

Next stop, Tarshish! I'll hoist the mainsail!

larry

I'll pop the popcorn!

lunT

I'll get the moist towelettes! Where did we put them? Hey, Larry, have you seen the towelettes?

LarrY

I got it! I got it!

LuNT

No, those are baby wipes. They'll dry your skin out.

Pirates scurry around like crazy, imagining all the cheese curls their newfound wealth will buy. Jonah smiles - relieved - but then looks a bit concerned as he realizes he is now 'officially' running away from God.

The Pirates prattle on as their ship moves away from the dock under full sail. Sailing erratically, they careen into the ship next to them as they head toward the open sea.

pa grape (os)

Sorry! My fault!!

Pa NARRATOR

Even though we'd never sailed before, we took to it like a fish to water!

Cut to Larry standing dramatically in the crow's nest, spyglass to his eye. He scans the sea aggressively. He spots something.

LarrY

Thar she blows!

Cut to Lunt, staring up at him from the deck

LuNT

Where?

LarrY

(looking down at the deck)

Right there! Next to the grill!

We cut to Larry's POV through the telescope to show a ping-pong ball on the deck of the ship next to the BBQ grill. Lunt moves into shot. Cut to Lunt on deck.

LUNT

Got it!

Lunt takes the ball to the pint pong table. Pa is standing on the top of one side of the table with paddle. Jonah stands behind the opposite side, holding paddle lethargically.

Pa GRAPE

6-0!

Pa serves the ball. It bounces right past Jonah, who makes no attempt to hit it. He's too depressed to try. He watches it bounce off the table and over toward the grill.

Pa GRAPE (cont'd)

7-0! That's a skunk! I win!

Jonah looks on dryly. Lunt and Larry cheer.

Lunt and Larry

Yeah! Yippee

Pa GRAPE

Whadaya say, Jonah? 2 out of 3?

JoNAH

Ahh... No. I'm done.

Jonah turns and listlessly walks away from the table.

PA GRAPE

Argh! When we get to Tarshish, Ho-ho's! On me!

LuNT AND LARRY

Yeah! Yippee

(cheering in unison!)

We winny at the ping pong!

We get the ho-ho and the ding dong!

Ding-dong!

Cut to shot from the bulkhead ad Jonah listlessly walks toward stairs to go below deck.

pa nARRATOR

Once we finally got out to sea, Jonah went below deck to rest a bit.

cut TO:

int - day. SHIP'S HOLD.

Typical ship's hold. Dark and musty. Bags of grape leaves on floor, barrels of who-knows-what, etc. Two bunks hang off one wall - one over the other. Light comes from several oil lanterns, plus some natural light down ladder from above deck and through cracks in planking above. Jonah enters and looks around.

joNAH

(a little depressed)

Oh, what have I done? What have I done?

Jonah grabs bag of grape leaves and tosses it on bunk to use as a pillow. He drops onto the bunk on his back, with his head on the bag, unaware that there is a large worm in the bag he has chosen.

tape

(from bag)

You are powerful and attractive.

jonah

(glances around nervously)

What? Who's there?

TAPE

You do not run from your problems, but confront them face-to-face.

joNAH

(jumping up)

Ah!! The bag! It speaks!

Throws bag against opposite wall.

Khalil

(from pillow)

Ow! What did you do that for?

joNAH

Mr. Twisty? ... Who's there? Show yourself!

Worm crawls up on barrel or something. He is holding headphones, which he places back in the bag of leaves. Jonah has never seen a worm exactly like this one.

Khalil

Hello!

joNAH

What are you?

KHALIL

Who, me?... Oh, my name is Khalil. I am a caterpillar. Well, that's only half true. My mother was a caterpillar. My father was a worm. But I'm okay with that now.

joNAH

(can't pronounce)

Khalil?

khalil

Khalil. You've got to get your gut into it.

(pause)

I bet you're wondering why I'm here.

jonah

(not really interested)

Aaah... you... tidy up around the ship?

KHALIL

Oh, no - I do not work on the ship.

(proudly)

I am a small business operator! A traveling salesman! I sell Persian rugs door to door! See?

JONAH

(still not interested)

Oh - lovely. A-

Jonah opens his mouth to speak, but Khalil cuts him off.

KHALIL

By the way, do you know where this ship is going?

JONAH

Yes, Tarshish.

KHALIL

(eyes widen)

Tarshish! What a trip!

(thinks)

You know, that may be just what I need! The Persian rug business has not been going very well around here...

(brightens)

But I still have a positive mental attitude... because of my motivational tapes!

Pulls headphones out of bag of leaves - tape is still playing. Jonah looks on curiously.

tape

You are a skilled metalworker.

Khalil smiles big.

KHALIL

I am a skilled metalworker!

(shrugs)

I did not know that!

Jonah stares, perplexed. Khalil puts headphones back in back - clicks off tape. Jonah turns to straighten his bunk.

jONAH

Yes... well, that's lovely, Carlyle, but if you don't mind, I think I'll just get some rest...

Khalil is staring intently at Jonah's profile. It looks very familiar. Suddenly, he realizes who he's looking at.

KHALIL

(excited)

Jonah!?!

Jonah startles.

JONAH

Huh - ?

KHALIL

You're Jonah!!

JONAH

You know me?

KHALIL

Of course I do! You are the most famous prophet in the whole world!!

Jonah is flattered, tries to hide a smile.

JONAH

Well, I don't know if I'd say -

KHALIL

I sell your licensed merchandise! Look! I have the Jonah rugs...

Pulls out Persian rug with Jonah's profile on it.

khaLIL (CONT'D)

... the Jonah plush toy...

Pulls out tiny plush Jonah.

KHALIL (CONT'D)

... with sound chip!

Khalil gives the Jonah doll a few whacks to the belly.

plush toy

(tinny - sound chip style)

A message from the Lord!

(whack)

A message from the Lord!

jONAH

Well, I'm... flattered...

khALIL

You are huge!! You are a celebrity!!

JONAH

(modestly)

Well... I...

KHALIL

From town to town - delivering God's messages! What a life! You are a big shot!!

JONAH

(still hiding a smile)

Oh, no... it's really...

kHALIL

(not slowing down a bit)

The man God can count on to deliver his messages!

This line nicks Jonah, and his fake modesty starts to fade.

JONAH

(deflating)

Yes... well...

KHALIL

You and God are like peas in a pod! Like two humps on a camel - you always 'sway the same way!'

Jonah is wilting.

kHALIL (CONT'D)

(laughing)

Oh, that's a good one! You know, humor runs very deep in my family! My uncle was a big star back at a comedy club in Nineveh... the Taj Ma-Haha... Standing room only!

(grows sober)

Then he was hit with a fish. I'm telling you, those people don't know right from wrong.

joNAH

Oh, Nineveh.

Khalil

Hmm? You are sad now, my friend? Something about Nineveh makes you feel sad inside?

joNAH

I don't really want to talk about it... I just need some rest...

Khalil

Oh, you do not have to tell me.

joNAH

Good.

Khalil

Because I already know.

joNAH

(startles)

You do?

Khalil

Oh, yes. There is a woman in Nineveh, is there not? A beautiful young asparagus! She is waiting there for you, no?

joNAH

Um, no.

Khalil

(keeps right on going)

You were promised to be married - but your job is now in the way. The woman's father is the head of an international ring of camel thieves! This very day you set sail for Tarshish to deliver a message that will break the back of the camel thieves - but in the process will break the heart of the woman you love!

Jonah stares - unable to speak.

Khalil (CONT'D)

Insight runs very deep in my family. Do not worry, the first one is free.

JONAH

(beyond desperate)

Please, Carlyle... I just need to get some rest...

KHALIL

It's Khalil. But you can call me Carlyle if you want to! When we get to Tarshish, you can deliver the message, and I'll sell the plush toys! We can be a team!

Jonah stares at the wall and groans.

Toy

A message from... the Lord!

JONAH

Ugh...

kHALIL

Well, sweet dreams travelling buddy! We can make our plans to save those camels tomorrow!

Clearly depressed, Jonah closes his eyes. We hear the "click" of Khalil's tape recorder, as the motivational tape starts back up. The look on Jonah's face contrasts with the line from the tape.

tAPE

You are a go-getter.

fade tO bLACK.

 

int - dream sequence. Cut to white limbo.

Jonah over white limbo background. Jonah is walking. Passes Scooter, dressed as ticket merchant. Everything is mysterious.

joNAH

Yes - which way is Tarshish?

sCOOTER

(kind of trance-like)

Right this way... ya can't miss it!

joNAH

Thank you!

Jonah continues - relieved to be heading for Tarshish. Suddenly God's voice interrupts, which sounds suspiciously like Pa Grape.

god

Jonah...

Jonah is surprised - looks around for source.

joNAH

What? Who is it?

god

Jonah... Where are you going?

joNAH

Oh! It's you, Lord.

(nervously)

Um - I'm going to... I'm going...

god

Jonah!

joNAH

I'm sorry, I can't hear you!

Jonah starts to walk very quickly.

god

Jonah!

Jonah starts to run.

joNAH

I can't hear you! Lalalalalalala...!

god

Jonah!

Suddenly, running becomes difficult. Jonah looks down and sees that he is now running in water, and the water seems to be rising.

joNAH (o.S.)

(struggling)

I... can't... hear... you!

PA GRAPE (o.S.)

Jonah!

Water splashes Jonah's face as he tries vainly to run against the rising tide.

dissolve TO:

int - day. Ship's hold.

Dream transition back to Jonah, tossing in his bunk. The hold of the ship is flooding and water is splashing Jonah's face. Pa Grape is trying to wake him.

pa GRAPE

Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!

joNAH

(eyes closed)

No! I- I can't hear you!

pa GRAPE

Come on, wake up! We got trouble!

Jonah finally opens his eyes and sees his surroundings. Water sloshes around the hold as the ship is rocked by an immense storm.

joNAH

(groggy)

What?

(notices situation)

What's happening?!?

PA GRAPE

We're in a storm! Like I've never seen before! If we don't do something quick, we're gonna sink!!

We cut to the WORM with his mouth stuffed with grape leafs, bobbing around in a small pot while munching away and licking his fingers.

Khalil

(speaking with his mouth full)

We seem to have sprung a leak, traveling buddy!

PA GRAPE spots the worm and becomes angry.

PA GRAPE

Huh?... Hey! What are you doin' here?

The WORM looks nervous.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

Didn't I tell you to get off my ship, ya lousy leaf eater?

The WORM nods timidly in affirmation.

Khalil

Well, yes... but you see, my new friend and I are going to Tarshish to break the back of the camel thieves!!

Pa glances curiously at Jonah, who gives him an "it's a long story" look.

Khalil (cONT'D)

Crime-fighting runs very deep in my family!

PA GRAPE

... Why if it wasn't for this storm I'd make ya walk the plank!

(turning his attention to Jonah)

And you! How can you sleep at a time like this?

JONAH

What's going on?

PA GRAPE

I'll tell you what's going on! We're all gonna be fish food if I don't get some help!

JONAH and the WORM startle.

joNAH

(panic)

Well - what can we do?

PA GRAPE

Get up and pray to your god! Maybe he'll have mercy on us and spare our lives! ... Oy!

PA GRAPE turns to go above deck.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

Somebody "up there" must be really upset with somebody "down here!"

JONAH looks nervous, the WORM looks at JONAH. PA GRAPE then turns back and brightens, just having had a realization.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

...Wait a minute! That's it!... Alright you two, follow me!

The WORM and JONAH look curiously at each other.

EXTERIOR - DAY. PIRATE SHIP AT SEA

LARRY and MR LUNT are on deck at a small folding table, playing go fish with a deck of fish cards. MR LUNT has a big "handful" of cards. LARRY is holding only one card and has his "suits" laid out neatly in front of him. The ship is rocking violently and the two pirates and their table slide up and down the deck as they play.

LuNT

You got electric eel?

Larry

Nope. Go Fish...

(tauntingly)

...one more card....

MR. LUNT

You are one cheatin' buccaneer.

LARRY

How'm I supposed to cheat at "go fish?"

MR LUNT thinks about the question.

MR. LUNT

Uhhh... I don't know...

PA GRAPE

(Off-screen)

Alright ya Lazy's!

PA GRAPE, JONAH and the WORM approach.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

Game over! Shuffle 'em up and deal us in!

LARRY

...but...

MR. LUNT

(Mockingly)

Hee Hee.

The other three gather around the table. MR LUNT gathers the cards and "shuffles" them. PA GRAPE lays the ground rules... We cut between character's reactions as he speaks.

PA GRAPE

Okay! Here's the deal. The way I see it, there is a reason for this storm. Somebody "up there" is really upset with somebody "down here." And it's not gonna let up until we know who that "somebody" is. It could be any one of us...

MR LUNT deals the cards.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

...I have my suspicions...

PA GRAPE turns sharply toward the WORM, who reacts in terror.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

But we won't know for sure until we figure it out scientifically.

EVERYONE looks at each other suspiciously.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

All right men -- Go fish!... looser takes a swim!

LIGHTNING flashes. EVERYONE startles.

We montage through an intense game of "go fish" as the storm continues to rage. We dissolve between different types of fish cards being flipped up, passed around, and set down on the table. We see character's faces as the game progresses - if they're holding a lot of cards, they look nervous, if not, they're relaxed. MR LUNT appears to be losing at one point, then the game shifts and the WORM is on the loosing end. We cut away to a wide shot of the pirate ship and see it being tossed around by the waves. The worm starts to make a comeback. We hear reverby "go fishes" and various "aarghs" and "uh-ohs" throughout the game . Finally, only the WORM and JONAH are left with cards. They both look very nervous. MUSIC stops. The WORM asks timidly;

KhaLIL

...You got any... trout?

JONAH'S face drops. He slides the WORM a card. The WORM picks the card up, then slowly lays down his last four cards face up - four whales! The WORM is out. JONAH is the loser. All eyes turn toward JONAH. PA GRAPE is confused.

KhaLIL (cONT'D)

Hmmm? What a goose I am! It's a match! I had it all along!

PA GRAPE

Huh??!! I thought for sure...

JONAH

Alright! I admit it. It's my fault! All my fault! I'm the one to blame!

Khalil looks at Jonah, confused.

PA GRAPE

But... I... the worm...

JONAH

(cutting PA off)

I am a Hebrew, and I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land. And I'm running away from Him! He told me to go to Nineveh, but I didn't listen! You know, I don't like those people...

Mr. Lunt

(chiming in)

Oooh. Fish slappers.

Cut back to Khalil, shaking his head in disbelief.

JONAH

Yes... so I ran. I ran and I ended up here and now everyone's in terrible danger all because of me. I'm afraid the only thing left is to be thrown into the sea!

LARRY

Awww... you don't have to do that... we gotta plank. You can just walk off...

JONAH, thinking himself noble for the offer, is a little surprised by LARRY'S comment and comments dryly...

JONAH

...Yes... thank you. You're too kind.

LARRY smiles at the compliment.

PA GRAPE

Well Jonah, ol' buddy. It was nice knowin' ya... Normally you'd be entitled to a refund, but under the circumstances - you know, with you dyin' and all ...

JONAH is again underwhelmed by his hosts' benevolence.

JONAH

... No... I don't suppose a refund would do me much good now, would it?...

PA GRAPE

Ah, thanks! You're a trooper.

(to LARRY)

Ain't he a trooper?

LARRY nods and smiles in agreement. JONAH looks down and catches Khalil's eye.

KHALIL

But... the camels...

joNAH

(looks down)

Oh...

Jonah shakes his head sadly, then looks pitifully toward the sea.

Suddenly, MR LUNT brightens up, then chimes in...

MR. LUNT

Hey! Wait a minute! I just remembered something! Maybe you don't have to walk the plank, after all!

ALL

Huh?!!

Exterior - day. REAR OF Pirate ship at sea

Our friends have all gathered around a big lump covered with a tarp at the back of the ship. The storm continues to rage.

MR. LUNT

Every winter, my cousin from Moose Lake asks me to take care of this...

MR LUNT peels off the tarp revealing a large gas powered outboard dual propeller boat motor.

ALL

Oooooh.

LARRY

Cool.

PA GRAPE

What is it?

MR. LUNT

This my friends, is a Jupiter 1600 horsepower, high-octane, dual propeller, pull ignition, outboard motor... with the optional chrome trim package.

The chrome shimmers.

ALL

(in the same tone)

Oooooh.

LARRY

(in the same tone)

Cool.

PA GRAPE

(in the same tone)

What is it?

MR. LUNT

It gets us back to Joppa.

PA GRAPE

Oh.

JONAH

Well... How does it work?

MR. LUNT

That I don't know.

Everyone stands there and stares at the engine. The WORM then speaks up.

KHALIL

Perhaps I could help.

(to Jonah)

You know, technical competency runs -

joNAH

(interrupting)

I know, very deep in your family.

The worm is surprised.

KHALIL

Oh! Our reputation precedes us! Well then... it appears that one should pull the cord and then perhaps push this black bubbly thingy...

Everyone thinks that's as good of an idea as any other. They all ignorantly nod in agreement. The WORM does just that. He pulls the cord a couple of times and the engine turns over but does not start. He then squeezes the fuel line bubble a couple of times. Nothing happens. Everyone looks at the WORM, who becomes a little nervous that his plan did not work. He revises it:

KHALIL (cONT'D)

Oh.. no... Maybe it's the other way around. Perhaps if one first pushes the black bubbly thingy and then pulls the cord...

Everyone again ignorantly nods. The WORM squeezes the fuel line bubble a couple of times then gives the cord a firm pull. The engine starts up immediately. The propellers start spinning.

All

Aaah!

The WORM, proud of himself, adds:

KHALIL

See?

All

(Yelling)

Ahhhhh!

Just then, the propellers catch the surface of the deck of the ship. Wood chips fly as the spinning blades propel the engine all the way across the deck - ripping a trail in the planks. Cut to shots of the propeller chasing characters through screen. They scream as the motor follows. It then crashes through the guard rail on the bow of the ship and drops into the sea. Everyone stares in disbelief.

MR. LUNT

(after a pause)

Yep. That's how it works.

Everyone turns angrily to the worm, who is standing there dumbfounded. He notices the glares and becomes frightened.

KHALIL

It has been delightful, but I must go now...

The WORM runs away from the group and dives into an Art Bigotti bowling bag in the pirate's pile of leisure gear next to the card table. We cut to CU of JONAH who offers a resigned look as the camera pushes in to his eyes- this is his fate. He has no other choice but to...

Exterior - day. The Plank of Pirate ship at sea

We pull out of JONAH'S face to reveal a different background. He's now standing on the "plank" of the ship and is wearing a little ducky flotation ring and a swim cap. The PIRATES stand at the base of the plank with their heads bowed and their eyes closed. The storm continues to rage.

PA GRAPE

(Praying)

Oh Lord, don't let us die for this man's sin. And don't hold us responsible for his death, because it isn't our fault. O Lord, you have sent this storm upon him for your own good reasons.

LARRY

And keep my ducky safe.

PIrates

Amen.

The PIRATES look up from their prayer to JONAH. He looks at them, gulps, then turns toward the sea.

Jonah

Gulp!

We cut to the WORM poking his head out of the bowling bag - he looks sad for his friend. JONAH bounces a few times then jumps off the plank and splashes into the sea. Immediately, the winds begin to die down and the sea starts to calm. The clouds part and sun shines once again. In a matter of seconds, the sea and air are completely calm. JONAH bobs up and down softly in his little ducky ring. He looks around. The PIRATES, a little surprised that their plan actually worked, look over the side of the ship at JONAH.

PA GRAPE

That was easy.

Exterior - day. Underwater

We cut to a below the water looking up at JONAH shot. We hear the PIRATE'S voices through the water as OMINOUS "JAWS-LIKE" STRINGS sound.

MR. LUNT

Well.. Should we pull him back in?

BAAAA DUMMM

PA GRAPE

I don't see why not.

BAAAA DUMMM

EXTERIOR - DAY. PIRATE SHIP AT SEA

PIRATES looking at JONAH. LARRY acquires a lifesaver ring and tosses it out to JONAH. He misses by a mile.

JONAH is not sure what to make of the situation. He thinks for a moment and then opens his mouth to speak. Before he can say anything, something brushes up against him causing him to turn a few degrees. STRINGS back in. BAAAA DUMM. JONAH looks nervous. The PIRATES look nervous. STRINGS back in full. LARRY pulls the ring back in quickly and throws it out again. Not even close. JONAH looks over at the distant ring and gets pushed a few feet through the water as the music intensifies. JONAH is getting very scared.

JONAH

Something touched me!... There's something in the water!...

PA GRAPE and MR LUNT yell frantically as LARRY pulls the ring back in once again.

PA GRAPE

Hurry up! Hurry!

MR. LUNT

I'm hurrying!

PA GRAPE

Hang on, Jonah!

(to Lunt)

Aim this time!

LuNT

I was aiming!

Pa GRAPE

I can never tell where you're looking...

LuNT

You should talk!

JoNAH

Hurry!

Lunt throws the ring... It misses again.

JoNAH (cont'd)

Fellows... please!

Pa GRAPE

Pull it back in. Hurry!

LuNT

Okay, okay! I got it!

Pa GRAPE

Let me do that!

LuNT

No, no! I'll throw it!

JoNAH

Fellows... Please!

Pa GRAPE

Com'on! Give it here!

LuNT

I said I got it!

LarrY

Excuse me, gentlemen! Perhaps I can be of some assistance.

LARRY tosses the ring. This time it's headed right for JONAH! Slow motion. Very dramatic. Very Bay Watch. The ring lands perfectly around JONAH - just like the ring toss at the carnival! LARRY smiles - proud of his achievement. MUSIC relaxes slightly. LARRY begins to pull JONAH in. Just as JONAH begins to move toward the boat - looking a little more hopeful, we see a GIANT WHALE come to the surface behind JONAH and swallow him whole. The PIRATE'S expressions turn from relief to shock. LARRY reacts:

LARRY (cont'd)

Oops.

One of the Pirates notice that the life-ring rope is sailing out very rapidly, as the whale swims away with the life-ring in it's mouth. They are attached to the whale.

PA GRAPE

Huh? (Gasp)

The rope reaches its full length, pulls taut, and then the metal cleat fastening it to the mast breaks loose, sailing toward the front of the ship. They are no longer attached to the whale!

pirateS

(all relieved)

[sigh]

Back to the cleat, which sails towards the bow. It fails to clear the rail, however, and instead wedges firmly against the front rail. Back to the Pirates, whose faces fall as they realize they are one again attached to the whale.

pirates (cont'd)

Hm?

Before they can speak, the boat jerks into motion. All three Pirates are knocked backwards off their feet, rolling head over heals all the way across the deck to the wall of the poop deck.

PIRATES (cont'd)

Aaaaaaahhh!!!

The SHIP races through the water. PA GRAPE gets up and frantically looks around for a solution to the problem.

PA GRAPE

Man the cannon!

Mr LUNT

Aye, aye cap'n!

Larry and Pa run up to the cannon at the bow. Mr. Lunt looks on concerned.

MR. LUNT

(standing)

We don't got no ammo!

LARRY looks around and spots the pile of leisure gear.

LARRY

Oh yes we do!

The ship races through the water.

Exterior - day. Cannon of pirate ship.

Our brave buccaneer LARRY stuffs the cannon with various leisure items and fire them off. A TENNIS RACKET,

PA GRAPE

Fire one!

MR LUNT pulls a string on the cannon. The TENNIS RACKET flies out, spins wildly out of control and splashes into the sea nowhere near the whale. LARRY then stuffs in two croquet mallets.

PA GRAPE (cont'd)

Fire Two!

MR LUNT pulls the string on the cannon. Same result. LARRY then spots the ammo jackpot - the Art Bigotti bowling ball bag. He removes the ball and places in the cannon. Just before the ball sinks into the cannon, the worm pops his head out of the thumb-hole and says pathetically...

kHALIL

Hello?!?

The BALL drops in.

PA GRAPE

Fire three!

MR LUNT pulls the string. The Ball comes roaring out of the cannon. We follow it's flight as the worm pops his head out of the thumb hole again and screams in terror.

kHALIL

AAAAAAAAIIIIIII'm coming traveling buddy!

From the WORM'S POV, the camera flies to where the WHALE had been - but now it is nowhere in sight. Presumably it has gone deep below the surface. We cut back to the WORM, who looks confused. He calls out and whistles as if looking for a lost dog;

kHALIL (cONT'D)

Traveling buddy?.. (whistle) Where are you?

Suddenly, the WHALE leaps out of the water catching the bowling ball in his mouth like a dog catching a treat. Hanging in the air (ala Free Willy), he holds it in it his mouth and we hear a loud gulping noise. With that, the WHALE crashes back into the sea, releasing the life preserver as he disappears.

We see the life preserver pop out of the water. As it does, the PIRATE SHIP slows - they are no longer attached to the WHALE.

100 ft off the bow of the ship, The PIRATES stand and look out in relief toward sea as the ship comes to a stop. Pause as they reflect. Pa and Mr. Lunt remove their hats in respect.

PA GRAPE

Now that boy really knows how to go fish.

The RUBBER DUCKY floatation ring pops out of the water in the foreground. Larry face lights up. He turns to the others, who do not share his joy. Self-consciously, he tries to match their somber looks.

FADE TO BLACK.

 

FADE IN:

int. - whale.

The scene is quite dark, with JONAH forlornly sitting on a barrel or some other indigestible object inside the whale. After a moment, the bowling ball rolls up next to him.

joNAH

(dryly)

Oh, look... a bowling ball. If I could only find some pins...

The worm pops up out of the bowling ball like a girl jumping out of a cake.

kHALIL

You found better than that, travelling buddy! It's me!!

jONAH

(shudders as if he suddenly feels ill)

Oh, my...

kHALIL

So forget about Tarshish! All we need to do is get this whale to swim to Nineveh! You give the message - I sell the plush toys - we'll be right back on track!

jONAH

(interrupting)

Carlyle, please don't speak to me. I'm having a rather bad day.

Jonah stands and walks away from worm, depressed and annoyed.

kHALIL

Well you don't need to be so down about it - Mr. Grumpy-pants!

Jonah whirls back toward worm, irate.

jonah

Look around you! We're inside a whale! We're going to be digested!! Do you know what that means?!?

kHALIL

Of course I do! Digestion runs very deep in my family. I'm just trying to have a positive outlook, you know!

(pause)

You know the difference between you and me is that you see the whale as half empty, but I see the whale as half full!

Jonah is dumbfound.

joNAH

I don't know what that means.

kHALIL

(thinks for a moment)

Neither do I.

Worm looses energy - looks around. Jonah turns away and sits down forlornly.

joNAH

Oh, I might as well face it. God gave me a job to do and I disobeyed him. I ran the other way! I've done something terrible and now I'm getting what I deserve. [sigh.] I'm going to die here in this whale.

The worm looks back at Jonah sympathetically - opens his mouth to speak, but realizes he has no way to cheer up his travelling buddy. VOICES are heard from elsewhere in the whale.

singER 1 (os)

Have you ever seen anything so pathetic?

singer 2 (os)

Mmm mmm. This boy needs some help!

jonAH

(startles)

What? Who's there?

singer 3

Take it easy, Jonah! We're on your side!

jonAH

How did you know my name? How did you get in here?!?

kHALIL

(confused)

Were you in the bowling ball, too?

sinGER 1

Oh, no. That's not how we get around. No, we came straight from the big man himself!

jONAH

You mean... ?

Jonah gestures up, knowingly.

singer 2

Mmm Hmm! And just like you, we deliver his messages!

jONAH

(brightens)

So you're prophets, too?

singer 1

Not exactly. Ya see, we work on a slightly higher level.

jONAH

(confused)

You do?

Angels nod.

singer 3

(dramatically - leaning in)

And Jonah - we've got a message for you!

Jonah looks around nervously. Music starts.

sinGER 1

You're feelin' pretty blue - you didn't do what God requested...

singer 2

Yeah, I'd be mopin' too, if I was gonna be digested!

singer 3

This ain't a pretty picture - no, it ain't a pretty sight.

singer 2

You ran from God this morning and you're...

AlL

...whale chow tonight!

 

(But) Hold up!

 

Hang on!

singer 1

Not so fast!

Your life ain't over yet!

singer 3

We're here to tell you all about...

SINGER 2

...the forgiveness that...

All

...you can get!

Lights reveal full gospel choir in the background. Choir 'oohs' over next stanza, then claps over first chorus before joining in big on second chorus.

singer 1

(You see,) Our God's a god of mercy,

SINGER 2

...and our God's a god of love.

all

And right now, he gonna lend a helping hand from up above!

Tempo picks up - band kicks in - clappin' and swayin' commence!

all singers

Praise the Lord! He's the God of second chances!

You'll be floored! How his love, your life enhances!

(You can) be restored - from your darkest circumstances!

Our God is the God of second chances!

singer 3

Ain't it great to know a God who wants to give a second chance.

kHALIL

Why, that's enough to get a smile from Mr. Grumpy-pants!

singer 1

So if you say you're sorry for all the stuff you do,

singer 2

We know that he'll be ready with a second chance for you!

 

everyone

Praise the Lord! He's the God of second chances!

You'll be floored! How his love, your life enhances!

(You can) be restored - from the darkest circumstances!

Our God is the God of second chances!

Our God is a god...

all singers

If you - believe

God's love - is true

Then you - should know

What you - should do!

(Repeat several times, building)

If you - believe

God's love - is true

Then you - should know

What you - should do!

(to chorus2)

Second chances!

Second chances!

 

Praise the Lord! He's the God of second chances!

You'll be floored when His love your life enhances.

You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!

Our God is the God of second chances!

 

Chorus repeats.

cuT TO:

ext. - evening. surface of sea.

Scooter and George are fishing with poles from a small fishing boat. We can faintly hear the music from the whale, filtering up through the water. Scooter notices.

Scooter looks puzzled, then leans over the edge of the boat and stares down into the water.

cut TO:

ext. night. underwater.

As music continues, we see the whale swimming slowly away from the camera, every-so-slightly "dancing" to the music within him. As whale disappears into the darkness, we transition back to restaurant. Song ends big over transition.

wipe TO:

int - night. seaFOOD RESTAURANT

All veggies are now present in booth, and listening with rapt attention.

pa GRAPE

So from inside the whale, Jonah prayed and asked God to forgive him for not obeying. He told God that if he got another chance, he would go to Nineveh, even though he didn't like those people very much.

Bob

(now very interested)

So did he get another chance?

PA GRAPE

(sly smile - amused that Bob is so interested)

Shouldn't you be lookin' our for yer tow truck?

BOB

(hurried)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That can wait. Did Jonah get another chance?

 

pa GRAPE

Well, God saw that Jonah needed help, and he wanted to help him.

junior

That's compassion!

bob

But did he give him a second chance even though he didn't deserve it? You know... mercy?

pa GRAPE

After three days, Jonah noticed something strange happening...

disSOLVE TO:

int - whale.

Jonah and worm are sitting around inside whale. Suddenly the 'floor' of the whale starts undulating - and we here loud rumbling sounds. Jonah and worm are terrified as the 'undulation' becomes increasingly violent!

-or-

This shot could be underwater exterior of whale - showing whale reacting to his 'upset' stomach. No interior needed.

cut TO:

ext day - surface of the sea

The sea is calm, but we can faintly hear the 'rumbling' sound. Suddenly there is a much louder sound - somewhere between a massive burp and a stomach rumble. Jonah is launched from the sea like a ballistic missile from a submarine - with the worm hanging on desperately to Jonah's bag. They land in a heap on a sandy beach. Jonah looks pretty weird. His skin is very pasty, his clothes are torn, and he is wrapped in seaweed - very Robinson Crusoe-ish.

joNAH

(moan)

He moans a bit, then rolls over and looks up - right into the face of his camel, Reginald!

joNAH (cont'd)

(still on his back)

Oh! Reginald! Good to see you! Yes... well...

disSOLVE TO:

ext day - road to nineveh

Lawrence of Arabia shot... endless desert. Jonah rides Reginald across barren countryside. Clip clop, clip clop. Worm is riding in Jonah's bag, peering out at the monotonous landscape, which grows more barren as they near Nineveh - as if the cruelty of the Ninevites has disrupted nature.

pa nARRATOR

So God told the whale to burp up Jonah - and Jonah got his second chance!

disSOLVE TO:

Jonah and Khalil riding toward Nineveh.

Pa nARRATOR (cont'd)

And just like he promised, he headed straight for Nineveh!

Jonah passes signs... "Welcome to Nineveh - Home of the Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!" ... Followed by "Visitors Welcome... To Leave!"

Jonah and Khalil look pretty nervous. They enter the canyon leading to Nineveh. Jonah looks around, uncomfortably. Then a noise ahead attracts his attention. A CRAZED MAN, possibly from Joppa, is running right at him... His eyes wide with terror.

Crazed Man

(hysterical)

Turn back!! Turn back!! Turn back!!!

The man runs right by Jonah, who turns to watch, eyes wide.

CRAZED MAN (cont'd)

The slapping!

Whack! He runs right into an outcrop on the canyon wall... Bounces back, then keeps on going.

CrAZED MAN (cont'd)

The slapping!

Jonah and Khalil stare after, eyes wide. We hear the crazed man's voice trail off in the distance.

CrAZED MAN (cont'd)

Turn back! Turn back!

Jonah and Khalil look at each other, clearly frightened, then turn ahead and nervously continue their journey. They continue a bit, and then round a corner. Light from Nineveh fills Jonah's face and he pulls up Reginald in awe of the sight he sees. Just ahead, the canyon opens up and Nineveh spreads out in front of him, under a red, hazy sky. The sound of 'urban chatter' and distant fish slapping drifts up. Swallowing hard, Jonah urges Reginald on. (Maybe we should include a shot of Reginald looking back at Jonah reluctantly.)

Jonah approaches the gate of the great city, and two guards step out in from of him, blocking his path. They are pea Ninevite guards, with Cockney accents. (rapid-fire exchange as guards interrupt Jonah.)

JoNAH

(to himself)

Go in, give the message, get out...

Go in, give the message, get out...

Guard 1

Who goes 'ere?

JoNAH

Ah, yes... My name is Jonah... And I'm a prophet... from -

Guard 2

You're not from 'ere, are you?

JoNAH

Um... No, you see, I'm from -

GUARD 1

That would make you a stranger, wouldn't it?

JoNAH

Well, um, yes. I suppose so... But I -

GUARD 2

We don't like strangers.

JoNAH

No... yes, I've heard that... But you see I have a -

GUARD 1

So why're you 'ere?!?

JoNAH

Well - I have a message.

GUARD 1

A message? For who?

Jonah wasn't expecting this question.

JoNAH

(thinking)

Well... For everyone! For the whole city!

The guards find this ludicrous.

GUARD 1

You've got a message for the 'ole city?!?

GUARD 2

... the 'ole city?!?

GuarD 1

Oh, that's rich!!!

Guards start to laugh.

GUARD 2

I'll alert the king! "You're honor! A Bleached asparagus has a message for us all!"

GUARD 1

Most important!

They laugh themselves silly. Khalil pears around Jonah's shoulder.

KHALIL

I do not think this is going very well.

JoNAH

Oh, let's just go home! I did what you said, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Jonah turns Reginald to leave during this line. Just as he starts to trot away, someone calls his name.

Pa GRAPE (o.S.)

Jonah?!?

Jonah spins around to see the Pirates standing in the entrance to the city, apparently on their way out. They look rather silly, as each wears what appears to be a large foam cheese curl on their head. (similar to Wisconsin's "cheddar heads.")

Jonah

(confused)

What?

The Pirates step out of the gate, with mouths agape. Jonah recognizes them, and slides off Reginald.

KhALIL

(excited)

It is our friends from the ship!

JoNAH

(recognizing them)

What on earth... ? What are you doing here?

LarrY

What are you doing here?

LuNT

Ya! You were... you were...

Pa GRAPE

...fish food!

The two parties meet off to the side of the gate. While they are talking, Jonah periodically glances up curiously at the Pirates headgear.

KhALIL

The whale spit us out like so much bad cous-cous, and here we are now! Delivering the message to Nineveh!

JoNAH

But they wouldn't let us in, so I guess we're going home.

LuNT

Hey, I bet we could get him in...

Jonah pulls back, not expecting this. On his shoulder, Khalil smiles broadly.

JoNAH

Huh?

Cut TO:

Ext. Nineveh gate - momenTS LATER

CU on Guard 1, who snaps to attention as travelers approach.

Cut to his POV - the three pirates stand smiling in front of him, with Jonah behind them and Khalil peering from is shoulder. They look like they're posing for a family picture. (Though Jonah doesn't look like he wants to be part of the family.)

Guard 1 softens as he recognizes the celebrities

GuaRD 1

Hey, look! It's the cheese curls blokes!

The pirates smile.

GUARD 1 (cont'd)

(sweetly)

Comin' back for a visit, are ya?

(notices Jonah - hardens)

Ahem - is this fella with you?

Pa GRAPE

Oh, yes! He's with us!

GUARD 1

(to Jonah)

You're with them, eh?

JoNAH

(trying to smile)

Yes, indeed! Why, I sailed halfway across the world with these... fine... gentlemen.

Has to force out those last few words... His smile fading like he's feeling suddenly ill.

GuARD 1

(eyeing Jonah suspiciously)

Alright. You can come in.

(pause as they pass)

Enjoy your stay in Nineveh.

The group passes through the gate. Jonah and Khalil glance back nervously, to see Guard 1 continue to make strange, comically menacing, "eye on you" faces.

JoNAH

What was that all about? How did you do that?

Pa snaps to, excited to tell his story.

Pa GRAPE

Remember that money you gave us?

(suddenly concerned)

By the way, you aren't gonna want that refund, are ya?

Jonah

(considers)

Ah...

Pa GRAPE

(relieved)

Good. Cuz we spent it!!! Every last penny! On cheese curls!

Jonah stares.

JoNAH

Cheese curls?

LuNT

Yup! 1458 bags of "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!"

LarrY

And you'll never guess what we found in bag 497...

Jonah doesn't have a clue.

Pa GRAPE

(leaning in - hushed tone)

The golden ticket!

Jonah doesn't get it.

Pa GRAPE (cont'd)

We won the "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!"

JoNAH

And the prize was... ?

Jonah glances back and forth at their hats. Pa looks up.

Pa GRAPE

(nods)

Mmm hmm. But in addition to our enviably fashionable headgear, we also got a tour of Mister Twisty's factory - right here in Nineveh!

The group enters the crowded market area. Ninevites mill around... Assorted fish slapping in the background. Jonah and Khalil aren't wild about what they see.

Pa GRAPE (cont'd)

Which, despite its unseemly location, was a splendid experience!

LarRY

And, believe it or not, in this town we are famous!

LuNT

(noticing something)

Hey, look! Here comes a city official to greet us!!

Everyone looks to see a Ninevite and several guards walking aggressively toward them. They do not look happy.

Pa GRAPE

(aloof)

Hello! We were in the neighborhood, so we thought we'd -

City Official

(referring to Pirates)

These are the men! Arrest them at once!!

Everyone's in shock.

Pa GRAPE

But...

JoNAH

Excuse me. What have they done?

CITY OFFICIAL

Thievery! High theft against the Royal City of Nineveh!

LuNT

That's ridiculous!!

CiTY OFFICIAL

Oh, is it?!?

He grabs Larry and spins him around. On his back is a small pack. The City Official pulls out a knife, and everyone gasps. He slits the bottom of Larry's pack, and 8-10 mini-sized bags of Mister Twisty's Cheese Curls fall to the floor.

LarrY

(panicked)

No! Wait! I thought they were free samples!!

CiTY OFFICIAL

Take them away!!

JoNAH

You can't do that!

The city official spins to Jonah.

CiTY OFFICIAL

I'm sorry... are you with these men?

Jonah isn't sure how to answer.

JoNAH

Well, um... yes, I suppose...

Jonah glances to the side to see a guard approaching him swiftly.

Jonah (cont'd)

Hello... What are you doing?

Jonah's POV - the guard rears back, his fish flashes through the air toward Jonah. SFX - SMACK! And simultaneous BLACKOUT.

Cut to:

Ext. Nineveh market - latER

Tight on Jonah's head - covered by a black bag. The bag is pulled off and Jonah blinks around in the sunlight.

Cut to Jonah's POV - a good sized crowd of Ninevites stands in a circle around him, staring intently at him.

JoNAH

(encouraged)

Oh! Wonderful! It must be time for my speech!

Cut to bag coming off Pa Grape's head. He tries to move, but is tied tight.

Pa GRAPE

Hey! I can't move!

Cut to bag off Lunt's head. He pulls against ropes!

LuNT

I can't move, either!!

Cut to Larry, who's bag is off and who also can't move.

Cut to Jonah, who looks down confused and realizes that he can't move either. He looks over to Pa in his confusion and sees that...

(LS Pa) Pa can't move because he's tied back-to-back with Lunt to the front of, beneath a huge, ominously hanging metal fish held up with a rope. This doesn't look good.

Cut to Jonah's face - his eyes widen and his mouth falls.

JoNAH

[Gasp!]

Cut back to LS pa on bulls-eye. Pa looks up and notices Jonah looking at him with panic on his face.

Pa GRAPE

What? Have I got somethin' on my face?

Cut to Pa's face - he sees Jonah's situation.

Cut to LS Jonah (Pa's POV) - also, in the same situation.

Cut to Pa's face who echoes Jonah's reaction.

pa GRAPE (cont'd)

[Gasp!]

Cut to Lund, who repeats this sequence by looking at Larry's situation.

luNT

[Gasp!]

Cut to Larry, who repeats by looking at Lunt's situation.

larry

[Gasp!]

Jonah

This doesn't look good...

Cut to Larry, who feels responsible.

LarrY

(on the verge of tears)

I'm sorry guys! I thought they were free samples. They were right out there in the open... in a big bowl. Very misleading!

Pa GRAPE

Oh, don't go blamin' yourself!

Lund is cranky with Pa.

LuNT

No... blame HIM!

(gestures over shoulder to Pa)

"Let's put it all in cheese curls," he says. "No," I say, "We need a BALANCED portfolio!" A little stock, a little bonds... A little cash or cash equivalents... And THEN maybe some snacks. But no. "Put it all in cheese curls!" he says.

(to Pa)

Man, you gotta plan for the future!

Pa GRAPE

What? It got us here, didn't it?!?

Everyone stares at Pa, confused. Pa realizes what they are thinking.

Pa GRAPE (cont'd)

(gestures around)

Not "here" literally... But...

(looks off mistily)

We were somebody! We were celebrities!

LunT

(outraged)

We are going to die!

Lunt is interrupted by the City Official

CiTY OFFICIAL

People of Nineveh! These four men...

(glances toward Khalil)

... and that small... whatever-it-is...

KhALIL

(indignant)

I am a caterpillar!!

(to self)

Well, that is only half true...

City OFFICIAL

Have been found guilty of high thievery against the Royal City of Nineveh!

The crowd hisses.

City OFFICIAL (cont'd)

For their punishment... "The Slap of No Return!"

The crowd looks quizzically at the fish poles, no sure what to make of them. The pirates look up at them, not sure whether to be frightened or not. The City Official notices the lack of respect for his latest invention.

Larry

What's so funny?

CiTY OFFICIAL

Observe!

The Pirates and Jonah look on as the City Official places a large pumpkin on a small wooden platform in from of the fifth fish pole. There is a hush as he walks over to the rope, anchored to a stake in the ground, raises a curved sword high in the air, and brings it down, severing the rope

The fish falls, splattering the pumpkin to bits. Pumpkin hits Jonah's face. After a beat, the crowd starts cheering and the Pirates and Jonah start crying like little babies.

All

[No! Waaaaaaaaah! Etc.]

Cut to Khalil, who is tied with string to the backside of Jonah. He can't see anything.

KhALIL

(confused)

What is happening that is making you all cry like little babies?!?

Jonah yells over the commotion

JoNAH

Why on earth do you take snack food so SERIOUSLY?!?

The city official turns to answer, but it interrupted by a trumpet fanfare. He spins back to the crowd.

CiTY OFFICIAL

People of Nineveh! I give you... King Twistomer!!

More trumpet fanfare... Camera pans up the building facing the "condemned" to a balcony several stories overhead. 2 attendants stand on either end of the balcony. From the shadows between them emerges King Twistomer (the giant gourd from "Hi Silk Hat" - with Goliath's voice) a very large, grumpy-looking gourd, with more than a passing resemblance to the more chipper, slimmer pitchman Jonah has seen on several snack bags and billboards. The Pirates' jaws drop.

Pa GRAPE

It's "Mister Twisty"

JoNAH

Well, that explains it!

Lunt and Larry squint up at the gourd.

LarRY

He looks happier on the bag.

CiTY OFFICIAL

(to King)

Your royal gourdliness... These are the perpetrators of the heinous act against your curls of cheese!

King Twistomer scowls.

CiTY OFFICIAL (cont'd)

For their punishment... "The Slap of No Return!"

A rise from the crowd. King Twistomer smiles.

King twistomer

Proceed.

The city official spins with his sword. Jonah's eyes widen.

JoNAH

Wait!

(to King)

Won't you at least give the guilty parties the chance to speak in their own defense?!?

The City Official looks up to the king, who ponders.

KinG TWISTOMER

You may speak.

The sword is lowered. Jonah relaxes a bit.

JoNAH

Well... As I understand it, the snacks in question were right out in the open... In a large bowl!!

(pleading to crowd)

I think we'll all agree this was somewhat misleading...

(looks for support)

Don't you think?

The city official glances to the king. The king ponders... softening... nodding... then looks down to the city official.

KinG TWISTOMER

Slap them.

Again the sword flashes high in the air. Jonah panics! The Pirates start whimpering loudly. Jonah no desperately appeals directly to the City Official.

JoNAH

No! You don't understand! I'm not REALLY with them... I mean... How could I be? While they were taking the tour, I was in the belly of a whale!!

The City Official freezes - the sword jerking in his hand. The crowd around them hushes down some. The Official looks up to Jonah quizzically.

CiTY OFFICIAL

What... did you... say?

JoNAH

(not really noticing the reaction)

I said while they were on the tour... I was in the belly of a whale!!

The crowd GASPS. The Official steps back - clearly shaken.

CiTY OFFICIAL

(shocked)

But... You are not dead!

JoNAH

No! That's just it! I was in the whale for 3 days and nights! Then I prayed to my God, and the great monster spit me up onto the shore... So that I could bring you all a message.

The official is shaken... The crowd whispers among themselves. The king's eyes widen - then narrow. He approaches the edge of the balcony.

King TWISTOMER

Hmm... Asparagus... Here in Nineveh we bow to the Great Fish... We celebrate the Great Fish in our art...

Jonah looks around at the whale images on buildings and the large metal fish hanging over his head.

JoNAH

Yes, I noticed...

King TWISTOMER

If what you are saying is true...

The King ponders for a moment. The Official steps up and responds...

CiTY OFFICIAL

Yes... How do we know if he is telling the truth, sire?

King TWISTOMER

(to Official)

Smell him.

CiTY OFFICIAL

(confused)

Y-your highness?

King TWISTOMER

Smell him.

The Official awkwardly approaches Jonah, and takes a big whiff. Jonah smells TERRIBLE. He stagers back, reeling... Barely able to stay on his feet.

JoNAH

(apologetic)

I'm... terribly sorry... I've been meaning to shower...

The King's eyes widen.

King TWISTOMER

He has been in the Great Fish. We must hear the message.

This is so unexpected that Jonah isn't sure what to do next.

JoNAH

What? Oh...the message... Yes...

Jonah thinks - but it has been so long he has a hard time remembering what he was supposed to say. As he stammers, Khalil shakes his head in disbelief.

JoNAH (cont'd)

...the message... What was the message?

KhALIL

Com'on!

JoNAH

(to King)

It's been so long... I...

(to himself)

Oh! Yes Ahem...

(collects himself)

Stop it!!

The crowd gasps and recoils. The King's eyes widen.

JoNAH

Stop cheating! Stop lying! And especially, stop slapping people with fishes!! Or this entire city will be destroyed!!

Jonah looks around dramatically. The crowd shudders... The King looks concerned. Back to Jonah who is smiling contentedly.

JoNAH (cont'd)

A message from the Lord!

Pa nARRATOR

Well, the King was very upset! He had no idea they weren't suppose to do that stuff! No one had ever told him that before!

A decree is handed to the city official.

CiTY OFFICIAL

A decree from the King! Let everyone call urgently to God. Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. Perhaps the God that brought this man out of the Great Fish, will give us... a second chance!

Score swells... Crowd erupts... Everyone smiles. Jonah looks around, tugging against his ropes.

King TWISTOMER

And let the asparagus and his friends go free!

They are all untied and congratulated by the crowd. Happy, happy.

 

EXTERIOR - DAY. NINEVEH

Wide shot of NINEVEH. The clouds have completely moved away and it's a perfectly sunny day. SCORE is triumphant. Birds sing. Flower bouquets fly like graduation caps.

pa nARRATOR

So the king and the people of Nineveh said they were sorry, stopped the fish-slapping and started being nice to people...

cut to:

Interior night - seafood restaurant

laura

Wow! That's great!

junior

Yeah! Everyone musta been really happy, right?

pa NARRATOR

Well, almost everyone.

dissOLVE TO:

ext. day - NINEVEH

Jonah and worm are being warmly thanked by Ninevites. Worm is eating it up, but Jonah is just nodding along. Several Ninevite kids run happily away from Jonah and the worm, clutching Jonah plush toys to their chests.

JoNAH

(ad lib)

Yes, thank you! Farewell! Goodbye, thank you!

KhALIL

(ad lib)

Goodbye all you lovely people!

pa NARRATOR

You see, Jonah figured God wouldn't really forgive the Ninevites. I mean, they had done some terrible stuff. No! He figured God had something else in mind.

JoNAH

Sigh...

Jonah sits in the sand, silently, staring at Nineveh. The worm is a bit confused.

KHALIL

What are we doing?

jonah

Oh, it's time to watch the fun!

KHALIL

Aaaand what fun would that be?

jonah

Well, I did what I was supposed to do... I warned them that they were going to get in big trouble! So now that they've had their warning, it's time to watch God wipe them off the face of the Earth! Aha!

Worm looks at Jonah quizzically. Jonah doesn't notice.

jONAH (cont'd)

I picked a safe distance so we won't get singed.

Jonah sits back to watch the destruction. The worm looks at Jonah, then looks at Nineveh.

Time goes by. The hot sun beats down. Nothing happens. Jonah is sweating, but still smiling.

joNAH (cont'd)

This is going to be great! The bad guys! Finally getting what they deserve!

More time goes by. The sun is intense. Jonah is wilting.

pa narrator

So Jonah waited for God to destroy Nineveh. Even now, God was compassionate towards Jonah and caused a plant to grow that shaded him from the hot sun.

Jonah looks up and sees large weed hanging overhead like an umbrella.

joNAH

Hmm? Oh! Yes! Very nice! Thank you! Very nice!

He settles in to watch some more. The worm looks back and forth between Jonah and Nineveh. Then he notices the weed and looks - suddenly - hungry.

pa narrator

Jonah kept waiting. But it didn't seem like anything was happening! He wondered if maybe God was forgetting something.

Jonah stands and looks up toward heaven, then back to Nineveh.

jonah

Alright! I did my job! So... fire! Brimstone! Whatever! You pick! Right over there!

(pause)

I'll just... sit here under my weed... and wait.

Jonah sits back down and forces a smile, leaning up against the weed. Without warning, the weed and Jonah crash to the ground. Jonah sits up quickly and looks around.

jONAH (cont'd)

What? - What happened?

Jonah spies worm, happily munching a mouthful of weed, and sees the partially chewed weed stump.

jONAH (cont'd)

What? How could you?!?

KHALIL

(surprised)

Hmm? All your whining made me hungry! It was just a weed...

jONAH

(suddenly despondent)

Just a weed?!? It - it was my shade! It was my friend!

(melodramatic)

Oh, dear Lord, how could you let this happen?!?

Jonah mourns for the weed like a fallen comrade. The worm can take it no more.

KHALIL

Would you look at yourself?!?

Jonah looks up - startled by the worm's intensity.

KHALIL (cont'd)

You care more about that weed than about all the people in Nineveh!!

jONAH

Well... I...

KHALIL

Why are you here now? Instead of back in the belly of that whale?

Jonah opens his mouth, but doesn't have an answer.

KHALIL (cONT'D)

Because God is compassionate! He wanted to help you! And because he is merciful! He gave you a second chance!

jONAH

(chipper)

Oh, yes - and I'm very grateful-

KHALIL

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe God loves everybody! Not just you! That maybe he wants to give everyone a second chance!

jONAH

Uh - well...

KHALIL

He saw that those people needed help - that they didn't know right from wrong - and he wanted to help them! And that is why he sent you!

jONAH

Ah-

KHALIL

And when you told them what they were doing wrong they said they were sorry - they put down their mackerels and their halibuts - and they asked God for a second chance. And by golly, he gave them one!!

(Jonah ponders)

Don't you see? God wants to give everyone a second chance! And so should we!

Jonah is initially moved by this truth, but then becomes theatrically pouty - like the spoiled rich kid who isn't getting his way.

jONah

Well, if they get a second chance - those fish-slappers - well, then... it would be better if I were dead!

(flops onto the ground)

Oh, I wish I were back in that whale!

Jonah is a basket case. The worm looks at him in disbelief.

KHALIL

You are pathetic.

(pause)

You know, patience runs very deep in my family... but not that deep. I'm out of here!

Khalil starts to walk off.

jONah

What? What are you doing?

KHALIL

(turning back)

I wanted to be big and important... just like you! But the world doesn't need more people who are "big and important," the world needs more people who are nice. And compassionate. And merciful.

(pause)

That's what I want to be.

(pause)

You can find yourself a new traveling buddy. Goodbye.

jONah

You can't just leave!

KHALIL

Can and am!

jONah

But... who will I talk to? You can't just leave me here all alone?

(pause)

Hello?

Reginald? Carlisle? Khowleel? Carleel? Howie? (etc... ad lib)

Jonah tries to call the worm's name - but can't get the pronunciation right. He tries several times with comical results as the camera cranes higher above him, revealing the worm walking further and further away and Jonah looking smaller and more alone.

cut TO:

int. night - seafood restaurant

Abrupt cut to shot of Pirates peering over booth.

pa grape

(after a beat)

The end!

Immediately, the Pirates slide the Plexiglas divider shut between the two booths. It shuts with a loud whack, startling the listeners in the next booth who continue staring in disbelief.

bob

(confused)

Wait a minute... its's over?

pa grape (os)

Yup!

Bob

That's how it ends?!?

Pa GRAPE

Yup!

junior

But what did Jonah learn?

Lunt opens screen again.

lunT

(looking at Junior)

The question, my friends, is not "what did Jonah learn." The question is - what did you learn?

junior

(thinking)

Well, I learned that we need to help people who need help...

(pause)

And we need to give 2nd chances. Even if they don't deserve them.

(looks up)

But what's that got to do with us?

Pa turns and looks directly at Bob, who startles.

pa GRAPE

Hey... tomato...

bob

Eh?

pa GRAPE

Your friend there... the big asparagus. If I'm not mistaken, he didn't do such a good job helping you with the map.

bob

Oh, it was a disaster! He said he was sorry and that he'd do better next time, but no way! Uh uh!

(Bob realizes what he's said and looks down)

Mercy. I guess everyone deserves a second chance.

Dad Asparagus smiles.

pa GRAPE

Yup! Now get outa here before my crab legs get cold!

Pirates shut window once more. Veggies smile, then Dad snaps out of the "feel good" moment.

dad

You know, that still wasn't a very good way to end a story!

Others agree. From across the barrier, Pa yells out...

pa GRAPE (os)

Well, whadya want? A big musical number?!?

Everyone looks at each other and agrees that sound pretty good.

DAD

Well... yeah!

Pa turns to Larry.

PA GRAPE

Who do they think I am... Twippo?

A male voice from the lobby.

voice (o.S.)

Yes?

Several veggies look up, as they recognize the voice. They turn in their seats and peer over the booth to the entry-way, where they see none other than Twippo himself! (Archibald Asparagus, dressed in an Elvis-y sort of outfit.)

veggies

Twippo!!!

Twippo smiles - a little apprehensively. Veggies rush him - Bob in front.

VeGGIES (cont'd)

Yeah... (etc., ad lib)

bOB

What are you doing here?!?

Twippo

Well, I've got a concert tonight, but I'm running late! Can't find Route 59 to save my life! So I stopped here for directions.

jr.

We're going to your concert tonight!

(pause - looks down)

At least we were...

bob

(downcast)

And then... porcupines!!

dAD

... and underwear!!

Annie

... and pirates!!

bOB

... and now it looks like we aren't going to make it at all.

Twippo

Good heavens! Well, if it's a ride you need, I've got plenty of room in my bus... you can all come with me!

Veggies eyes widen - big smiles!

veGGIES

[That's be great! Wow! etc.]

Laura looks down - she can't come.

lAURA

...yeah. Everyone but me.

Junior notices... Thinks...camera pushes in slowly as Junior makes his big decision. Touching score. Junior smiles and offers Laura his ticket.

JR

Laura... You can have my ticket.

Pause on Laura. She is surprised and touched.

LaURA

But Junior, it was my fault.

Junior simply smiles and lifts the ticket up to her once again. Laura looks tenderly at Junior and smiles.

Everyone smiles - amazed. Score swells.

Twippo is impressed.

Twippo

Why, that was a very compassionate thing to do!

Bob

And merciful!

TwipPO

Tell you what... I'll give you all a ride to the concert, and I'll make sure you ALL get have backstage passes!

Veggies erupt in celebration. Happy, happy!

VeGGIES

(celebration!)

Hurray! (ad lib)

Twippo

Speaking of mercy, have any of you heard the story of a man named... Jonah?

Veggies freeze, not sure what to say, then all respond at once.

veGGIES

Yes.

Twippo is taken aback.

Twippo

Oh. Well... uh, would you like to hear a song about it?

pERCY

Is it like the bald bunny song?

Twippo

Not really... it's more of a 'big musical number.'

dAD

Perfect!

wipe to:

Twippo on stage at Seafood Restaurant. Theatrical lights on him. He's holding his guitar, ready to play.

Twippo

(singing - ballad-like)

When I was a boy I went to church back home in Arizona

And that was where I heard the tale of a man whose name was Jonah!

Now Jonah was a prophet, but that's not why he's remembered.

We tell the tale, 'cuz in a whale he nearly was dismembered!

Horns and drums jump in - big band feel. Either curtain behind Twippo or wall itself pulls back to reveal Broadway musical-ish set with fake, 2D pirate ship rocking to beat on fake, 2D waves. Actual pirates are perched atop fake ship.

pirATES

(singing)

Jonah was a prophet!

Twippo

Ooh, ooh!

pirates

But he really never got it!

Twippo

Sad, but true!

PIRATES

If you've been watching you can spot it!

Twippo

Doodle-ee-doo!

PIRATES

He did not get the point!

Twippo

Compassion and mercy!

From me to you and you to me!

Exactly what God wants to see!

And yes, that is the point!

pirATES

(singing)

Jonah was a prophet!

Twippo

Ooh, ooh!

pirates

But he really never got it!

Twippo

Sad, but true!

PIRATES

If you've been watching you can spot it!

Twippo

Doodle-ee-doo!

PIRATES

He did not get the point!

Twippo, now playing the role of Jonah, jumps up on the pirate ship cutout.

Twippo

Now Jonah set sail

On a pirate ship in a dreadful gale

Wind blows, fake lighting. Pirates takeover narrative as Twippo either falls or flies on a line into the mouth of a fake whale cutout that has been wheeled on stage.

piRATES

Got eaten up by a giant whale

But managed not to be dead.

Twippo sticks his head out of the top of the whale, (blowhole region) to prove he's still alive. Smiles big.

pirATES (cont'd)

You'd think he would learn a lot

From being saved from a awful spot

But the second chance that he had got

He didn't want to be spread!

Whale cutout leaves - maybe pull in Nineveh cutout, or string of Ninevites for Twippo to scowl at. Musical break - little dance time - then set changes to Jonah on hill, under cutout weed. Pirates get melodramatically sorrowful.

 

piRATES (cont'd)

(weepy)

So poor old Jonah -

Now he's all alone-a!

Pirates raise energy as giant megaphone cutout lowers from above, letting them yell at Jonah on hill.

PIRATES (cont'd)

Gotta use a megaphone-a!

To get it through to his head!

(shouted through megaphone)

Hey!!!

Hill and weed "blow away" from force of shouted 'hey.' Twippo stands and comes forward on stage, no longer playing Jonah.

pirATES (cont'd)

(singing)

Jonah was a prophet!

Twippo

Ooh, ooh!

pirates

But he really never got it!

Twippo

Sad, but true!

PIRATES

If you've been watching you can spot it!

Twippo

Doodle-ee-doo!

PIRATES

He did not get the point!

Musical break - seque ways into more intimate spoken part.

Twippo

(spoken)

Now, true, in your life you probably don't ride on a camel

And you probably won't wake up inside a large, aquatic mammal.

But all the same, like Jonah, there is something you can do -

Everyone deserves to get a second chance from you!

Big horn sting, then all sing together...

all

Compassion and mercy!

From me to you and you to me!

Exactly what God wants to see!

And yes, that is the point!

Start "bringing it down." Maybe Twippo starts pulling pirate ship across stage, faking an 'exit.'

pirATES

(softer)

Jonah was a prophet!

Twippo

(softer)

Ooh, ooh!

pirates

But he really never got it!

Twippo

Sad, but true!

pirATES

(even softer)

Jonah was a prophet!

Twippo

Ooh, ooh!

pirates

But he really never got it!

Twippo

Sad, but true!

Stop exit at center-stage - turn and strike a pose.

pirATES

(loud)

Jonah was a prophet!

Big chord - end of song. Crowd goes wild. Voice heard from the foyer...

KhaliL

I beg your pardon. I hate to break up the party, but who needed a tow?

Everyone looks at Khalil.

TwiPPO

Ah... Have we met?

Khalil smiles at camera - cut to black

THE END